Taking Stock

Another calendar year drawing to a close.  Opportune time to take stock.  Reflecting on the great changes and challenges that occurred. All allowing for deeper learning and understanding.  About myself, as well as others.  A year rich in loving moments and experiences. Certainly one thoroughly filled with tremendous significance.

Forever

Gazing up at the large photo perched upon the shelf.  A carefree image of Michael hamming it up with his friends.  Finding myself once again ruminating on the concept of forever.  Initially viewing it from the purely physical perspective.  Contemplating the reality of him never sitting here on the sofa with me again.  It takes my breath away.  Then purposefully redirecting my thinking.  Flipping it over.  Turning it around.  Focusing on the understanding that his essence exists eternally.  Enabling me to resume breathing comfortably once again.

Energizing Experience

In conversation with an old acquaintance recently.  A teacher whose daughter passed a few years ago.  Describing the feeling he gets when connecting to her spirit.  Tingling that begins along the edges of his arms.  Then rapidly spreading from there.  Quite familiar with this sign myself.  Feeling charged.  Often experiencing the sensation when making a connection with my son.   During tarot readings over the years as well.  A physical indicator that contact has been made.  In my case, often accompanied by watery eyes.  Possibly due to the change in energetic frequency.  Raising ours while they lower theirs.  Enabling us to meet somewhere in-between.  Always an energizing and uplifting experience.

Candlelight Magic

The beauty of candlelight.  Simply magical.  Surrounding myself with it as often as possible.  Especially this time of year.  More than thirty candles placed in the living/dining area alone.  Creating an enchanting ambiance.  Not reserved for special occasions.  Enjoying their bewitching flames daily.  Down the hall, an entire pine cabinet dedicated to this endeavour.  Storing additional tapers, pillars and tea lights, along with numerous holders.  Affectionately known as The Candle Cupboard.  These candles providing such warmth and splendour.  Breathing life into the darkness.

We Did It

Outside of the funerals, personally finding these last two days the most difficult this year.  Feeling fragile all weekend.  Walking that thin line between holding it together and falling apart.  Phone calls, emails, and time spent with loving family bringing much appreciated support. Combined with deep breathing, some laughter, meditation, and numerous heartfelt hugs.  Taking time to send love to others experiencing a difficult time as well.  Collectively contributing to a Christmas that was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Myself, my husband, our daughters, and son-in-laws proudly embracing the expression, "We did it."

Table For Fifteen

Preparing for tomorrow night's dinner.  Setting the table for fifteen. Celebrating Christmas Eve here, German style.  As we have for the past nine years.  Carrying on the tradition my parents passed on.  My great-niece making her initial appearance at this particular event.  A few days shy of her first birthday.  Bringing her sweet energy to this family gathering.  Myself, unsure of what to expect this first Christmas without my son.  Obviously an emotional time.  Not lamenting over it.  Just going with it.  Knowing each person here will be missing him too. Directing my attention to what is present.  Simultaneously acknowledging what is missed.  Therein lies the balancing act.  Not tempted to wish this celebration away.  Never.  So much to be grateful for.  The individual aspects of this tradition continually changing as they must.  However, the integrity of the whole remaining supportive, reassuring, and intact.

Mother Nature's Gift

Grateful for the amazing winter weather so far.  Predominantly cool, dry days.  Bright skies.  Contrasting the more common scenario.  That of endless weeks of rain and gloom.  Makes a difference.  A big one. Thanking Mother Nature for her perfect timing.  Giving this gift, this particular year.  Very much appreciated. 

Luminous Occasion

Winter Solstice.  Our northern hemisphere experiencing the longest night of the year.  From here on in, less darkness, more light. Definitely worth celebrating.  Festivals, rituals, and gatherings marking this occasion around the world.  One such event taking place tonight in the Chinese Gardens downtown.  Complete with lanterns and live music. Planning on heading over to enjoy the luminous affair.  Adding fuel to the internal flame.  Helping to keep it burning bright.

Unique Journey

In discussion with other parents experiencing the loss of a child.  One mother mentioning something most can identify with.  Likely our biggest common denominator.  "The most important rule in life got broken."  Outliving ones child.  All of us branching out from there.  So many aspects influencing this journey of grieving.  Just as with any huge life altering experience.  The age of the child.  How she died.  The quality of life he was having.  The nature of the parent child relationship.  Family dynamics.  Personality traits.  Spiritual beliefs or the lack thereof.  Personal challenges the parent was facing in addition to this death.  Degree of available resources and support.  A unique journey for each one of us.  No two paths exactly alike.

Modifying Traditions

Filling Christmas stockings.  Truly the highlight of gift giving for me. Beginning in the fall.  Sourcing the ideal items for each family member. A collection of humorous, luxurious, and practical ones.  Wrapping up each little treasure.  All leisurely taking turns Christmas morning. Opening them one by one.  The girls spending the past couple of Christmas mornings with their husbands.  As they should. Establishing their own traditions.  So it had come down to the three of us.  Michael, my husband and I.  Diesel enthusiastically joining in.  Thoroughly enjoying ourselves.  This season, deciding against hanging the stockings for just us two.  Not keen on dealing with the emptiness that would so obviously be sitting there with us.  Simply because of how it came to be. Choosing to give it a pass this time around.  Open to reinstating that tradition in the future.  Understanding that eventually this is how it would have been.  However, this year planning to go snowshoeing instead.

Gathering at the Tree

This coming Sunday.  Our daughters, son-in-laws, my husband and I meeting up.  Decorating a mini Christmas tree together.  Starting this annual tradition at Oma's graveside ten Christmases ago.  Symbolically sharing the holidays with someone we loved.  Lighting candles clipped to the branches.  Singing German carols.  Recounting memories. Moving the occasion to Boal Memorial this year.  Using the same tree Michael helped decorate last December.  Adding some new ornaments for our brother and son.  Kelly and Diesel too.  Knowing my mother will happily meet us there.  All gathering together. 

Parallel Celebrations

Vivid imagination or a glimpse into the other?  Rather than focusing on loved ones not being here to celebrate with us, turning it around. Broadening the perspective.  Picturing their spirits having an amazing time of it where they are.  Seeing the possibility of parallel celebrations. Their experience filled with such depth and beauty.  They occasionally pausing to look over at us with loving hearts.  Wishing we could be there with them to feel that magnificence.  Reminding themselves that for now, this is how it must be.  That we all take turns moving back and forth between these versions.   Taking great care not to diminish the joyfulness of their festivities.  Understanding how disrespectful that would be. 

Recovering Equilibrium

Two steps forward, one step back.  After many days of feeling predominantly optimistic and upbeat, the spirit falters.  Yesterday afternoon.  Several situations converging in a short space of time. Looking through old photos in preparation for a commemorative event later this week.  Listening to unsolicited excuses from a relative about how long it has been since getting together.  Planning Christmas Eve dinner.  Exploring alternate plans for Christmas morning.  All contributing to wearing down emotional reserves.  Tonight a candlelight ceremony at The Compassionate Friends.  The support group for parents who have lost a child.  Following through on a suggestion Michael made last month, I will attend.  This activity likely to provide emotional support.  Assist with recalibration.  Recovering equilibrium. 

Comfortable and Comforting

Pulled out the winter boots.  White suede, grey rubber, red trim. Olympics 2010 edition Sorels.  Purchased to wear while volunteering for those winter events last year.  Guaranteed to keep me cozy and warm while trekking along the trail with my companion later this morning. The last time they were worn was nine months ago.  But not by me. During that first weekend in March.  Unbeknownst to me, Michael had packed them for Kelly to use up at the cabin.  For walking around the frozen lake and playing in the snow.  Wanting her to be comfortable. Personally anticipating a sense of comfort when wearing these boots again.  Looking forward to walking with them.

Seeing Love

Psychometry.  The art of discovering information about someone by holding an object associated with them.  Found myself practising this with a dozen people last week.  Each of us anonymously depositing something of ours into a basket.  Then taking turns pulling out an object.  Sitting with it for some time.  Writing down any impressions received.  Sights, sounds, smells, words, feelings.  Later sharing the information one by one before the group.  Lastly, confirming whose item it was and receiving feedback on accuracy of the reading.  Deciding to submit an heirloom ring worn daily.  One my maternal grandmother had purchased for herself many, many years ago.  Clean modern design consisting of three identical diamonds on a gold band.  Inherited by my mother, who in turn gifted it to me weeks before she died.  The resulting reading was impressive with the reader accurately commenting on my personality traits and recent events.   However, the highlight was the intense colour association.  This woman describing a most magnificent vision of bright pink, edged with gold.  Commenting that this was the most glorious shade of it she had ever seen.  Explaining that it represented love and that the owner of this ring was surrounded by so much of it.  That I know to be true.  Love.  Not only an energy we can feel, but one that can also be seen.

Birthday Presence

Dear Kelly,
As your father and brothers celebrate yours and your twin's birthday this weekend, I call upon you to draw in close.  That they may feel your presence and know you are there with them.  To remind them that you will always be part of the family.  As for me, I am so glad you were born and in my life.  Such strength, compassion, love, and optimism.  Thank you for being you.   
All my love,
Vera

Side By Side

Their remains now finally resting in peace, side by side.  Finding a significant measure of comfort in this.  Michael and Kelly so deeply connected in this lifetime.  Belonging together.  This a physical symbol of that.  In the aftermath of calamity, it can be the little things that matter. 

Nine Months

Doing the math.  Three quarters of the way through this first year. Anticipating the challenges that still lie ahead.  More birthdays without them, including hers and his.  Celebrating Christmas and New Years. Then Valentine's Day, followed by the one year anniversary.  Mulling over ways to best honour the occasions.  Striving to incorporate love and joy into each of these events.  Providing some balance to the obvious sadness of missing them. 

Providing Comfort

In conversation with one of Kelly's dear friends.  Discussing the reluctance of co-workers to mention Kelly's name.   Not speaking of their colleague who has passed.  Perhaps afraid of upsetting this friend. Fearing they may cause additional heartache.  If only they could be reassured that the tears and sadness come regardless.  That is our reality when we have lost someone we loved. The irony is that they would actually provide comfort by sharing a memory or remarking how much they miss her smile and cheerful disposition.  Hearing others speak of our loved one actually helps ease the pain.  Knowing they mattered to others.  That they are missed.  That they will not be forgotten.

Valuable Gifts

Wow!  What a fabulous gathering of youthful energy at our home this weekend.  Close to thirty of Mike and Kelly's good friends coming together to welcome the season.  Sharing friendship, conversation, and good cheer.  Crafting tree ornaments containing mini photos.  Old stories and new ones making the rounds.  All in an atmosphere infused with love and joy.  This, Michael's wish for them all.  To stay close. Support each other.  Further evidence that valuable gifts can be realized when acting on the power of a dream.  

Wondering Where You Are

Browsing through my niece's old photos on Facebook.  Coming upon one with the caption reading, "Christmas at the Grandparents". Showing the four young girl cousins posing in front of Oma's fireplace on Christmas Eve.  My daughters and my brother's two.  Taken in the mid 80's.  Posted in 2007.  Michael writing the very first comment.  Three simple words.  Asking, "where am I?" He being the fifth and last born of the grandchildren on this side. The fact is that photo was taken in December 1985, two weeks before he was born.  This coming Christmas Eve, it will once again be the four girls together.  Celebrating here at our home.  Now all married women building families of their own.  And Mikey, we will all indeed be wondering where you are. 

Celebrating the Light

Waking up to frost under clear skies.  Ahhh.  December now arriving in all its glory.  Perfect weather for slipping into the spirit of the season. Embracing the preparations and festivities.  With mindfulness and an open heart.  Celebrating the light.  In social gatherings or with just one other.  Choosing to continue finding the joy. 

Focusing on the Good

Fascinating really.  This natural tendency to focus on the good. Thinking often about the happy and positive memories of our years together as mother and son.  Not dwelling on the challenging and difficult times of the later years.  Of which there were many.  Those remaining very much in the background.  Perhaps due to the nature of the relationship now.  Back to connecting purely spirit to spirit.  No ego involved. 

An Emotional Puzzle

Peeking out from under the huge armchair in the den.  The front edge of a large framed canvas.  Supporting hundreds of puzzle pieces.  Half of them connected to each other.   The remainder still waiting to be directed to their rightful places.  A pastime Michael engaged in last winter while convalescing after another shoulder surgery.  Kelly working on this with him.  Keeping him company.  Finding it curious that this incomplete project remains there.  Right where they left it.  For someone who thrives in a neat and orderly environment as I do, this seems to be an odd choice.  Usually storing or disposing of unused items with efficiency.  Packing up and donating his clothes.  Cleaning out his room.  All dealt with in a timely fashion.  Today however, still unwilling to return those pieces to their box.  Obviously representing something more.  Perhaps reminding me of the simple activities they enjoyed together.  Clearly understanding it cannot reside there forever. Possibly completing this project together after a family dinner one day. Not wishing to tackle this alone.  Not yet. 

Shifting Moments

How quickly it still shifts from moment to moment.  Awaking Friday morning to a magnificent sunrise.  Contrasting greatly with the storm of the previous day.  Strolling in the sunshine along the rocky seashore. Chatting and laughing with a friend and her dog.  Grateful for the change of scenery and distractions.  Upon returning to the cottage, checking my computer.  Noticing a posting made minutes earlier.  A photo of Michael.  Standing beside the ocean, arms stretched out wide. Taken days before he died.  One I have seen before.  Now catching me completely off guard.   This scene a perfect match to the one I had just been experiencing.  A second uploaded image showing a necklace his aunt had created  for herself in his memory.   Incorporating a heart and a star.  This, my first glimpse of it.  Both pictures instantly transporting me from a sense of peace and lightness to one of heart piercing sadness. Tears falling.  Breathing through it.  Then moving on with the day. Enjoying an afternoon with more laughter and conversation.  A short drive and ferry ride later, arriving home with a sense of contentment. Noticing the stack of unopened mail.  Tearing open a large envelope addressed to me.  Reading the enclosed letter from one of Michael's and Kelly's high school teachers.  One who is also living in this community. Sharing her condolences, as well as some memories.  Resulting in further emotions to process.  More tears.  In both cases, greatly appreciating that others continue to think about him.  Making the effort to share that.   As difficult as it is being in the feelings these pictures and words evoke, I am thankful for the communication.  Helping me feel connected and supported.  This ongoing roller-coaster ride.

Balanced Living

Living a balanced life.  A popular expression.  Frequently heard of late. Referring to the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves.  Visualizing a pie.  Ideally each piece of it receiving an adequate amount of attention daily.  The size of the pieces adjusting slightly as needed.  Actively moving ones body.  Connecting with spirit. Engaging the brain.  Interacting with feeling.  Every day.  Seemingly simple yet an ongoing challenge.

Warmed Through and Through

Time out.  Spending two nights with a friend at her ocean side cottage. No plans.  This day leisurely unfolding before me.   A blustery winter storm playing out on the other side of the huge picture window.  Logs crashing.  Gulls soaring.  Cedars dancing.  So cosy inside.  Warmed by a wood burning fireplace.  Meditating on the wind and waves. Relaxation and peacefulness infusing the space.  Truly grateful for this friendship.  Relishing in the luxury of such a generous opportunity.         

Ribbons of Life

When contemplating our existence, I frequently see dancing ribbons. An image that has repeatedly appeared in my mind's eye.  All of us shown as beautiful thin bands of richly coloured silk.  Drifting horizontally beside, below, above one another.  Unaware of any beginning or end.  Each ribbon representing a spirit's path over many lifetimes.  Interacting with each other in wavelike motions.  At times moving closer.  Periodically touching.  Followed by floating a little further apart.  Experiencing the space.  An oft repeated cycle.  Weaving a dynamic tapestry together. 

Mother Daughter Moment

Enjoying a cherished mother daughter moment yesterday.  In a beautifully appointed tea house not far from home.  Serene inviting atmosphere.  Spending time together.  This morning, reflecting on a very poignant mother daughter experience with my own mom.  Fifteen years ago.  Spending an afternoon seated side by side.  Each in our own comfortable recliners.  Chatting about this and that.  Warm attentive staff hovering about.  In the chemo clinic at our local hospital.  Each receiving our own unique life prolonging elixirs.  The two doctors coincidentally scheduling our treatments for the same time.  An image that will stay with me always.  Today recognizing the similarities amidst the stark contrasts of those two experiences.  Mothers and daughters connecting.

Looking Forward

Cold temperatures.  Early snowfall.  Christmas invitations beginning to arrive.  Craft fairs well underway.  Decorations filling shop windows. Propelling me forward into the holiday season.  Anticipating taking in magical outdoor light displays, hearing carols, decorating our home, hosting friends and family.  Purchasing a minimal amount of presents. Preferring to focus on the festivities.  As always, carefully selecting where and when to invest time and energy.  Choosing enjoyment over stress.  Knowing some aspects of the celebrations will look quite different this year.  Looking forward to the season nevertheless. 

Amusing Delivery

Sorting through the day's mail.  Coming across an oversized envelope addressed to my son.  Mike Gibson.  Tearing it open.  Discovering a Tiffany & Co. holiday catalogue inside.  From the famous jewellery store.  Chuckling to myself.  Unable to recall ever receiving one addressed to our home.  Flipping through pages adorned with images of pricey gift items.  Set against the renowned robin egg blue background. Wondering about his name being included on this mailing list. Thinking about his nature, even as a young child.  Very much a romantic.  This booklet perhaps connected to the level their relationship had progressed to around Valentine's Day this year.  Never knowing. Only imagining.  Finding it quite amusing.

All Three Coming Through

Another magnificent evening.  Attending a mediumship demonstration at ISA.  All three coming through together.  Silently asking for this scenario before the session began.  Michael doing all the talking.  Kelly standing quietly by his side.  Diesel there with them too.  Appearing in order to share messages.  The medium transmitting the information. Suggesting getting out more.  Checking out the support group again. Spending less time home alone.  Wanting to see me happy.  Michael radiating powerful energy affirming the loving connection we share. Smiling that million dollar smile.  Reminding me of the deep bond we have.  Pointing out he knows it is something I still very much feel. Mentioning that missing them is understandable.  Particularly considering how recently it all occurred.  All of this information creating a slight shift.  Carrying me forward again.  Smiling.  Feeling positive and uplifted.  Much lighter in my heart.

Easier?

People occasionally asking, "Is it getting easier yet?"  Finding myself wondering what that even means.  Easier?  Implying less difficult, less pain, less discomfort.  Unsure how to answer.  What are we measuring? Eight months into grieving the loss of a child.   The phrase WTF still surfacing many times a day.  Not experiencing a single wakeful hour without thinking of him.  Of them.  An improvement over every few minutes.  Does this qualify?  Overall, understanding the question to be a form of caring.  Wondering how things are going.  Innocently asking. Truthfully answering, "As well as can be expected". 

Life-Affirming

Such good fortune.  Meeting up one recent morning with a friend on the seawall.  Walking and talking for hours.  Spending that afternoon with two of Kelly's closest friends.  Sharing stories and memories.  The following day, seeing Michael's best friend.  Dropping by here for a short visit.  Later, feasting with my husband and another couple. Making tentative vacation plans over an exquisite evening meal. Yesterday, walking the leaf strewn trail with one daughter and her puppy.  Relishing the energies of the sun and wind together.  Today, meeting up for a late lunch with the other.  Spending precious time with one another.  Numerous life-affirming moments over the course of a few days.  Giving much needed balance to the melancholy ones. 

Love Letters

Sunday mornings.  Time for our weekly love letters.  Most weeks, but not all.  My husband and I taking turns posing one question to answer separately.  Sometimes emotional topics leading to heartfelt discussion. "What do I like most about our marriage and why?" or "What is the nicest thing you've done for me this week and how do I feel about that?". Often in the more quirky realm.  "If you were a bird, what kind would you be and why?" or "What was your favourite comfort food as a child and how did it make you feel?".  Writing for ten minutes max. Exchanging our answers.  Reading through each other's letters twice before commenting.  Spending a few minutes sharing our thoughts on what we have discovered.  Continuing to reveal something of our essence to each other.  Each and every time.  Often to ourselves as well. Committing to this activity fourteen years ago after attending a workshop together.  One I was directed to in my sleep.  The name of it spelled out in large white capital letters many times over the course of the night.  All these years and hundreds of letters later.  Helping this relationship stay fresh and alive.

Remembrance Day 11-11-11

Pondering this holiday.  Remembrance Day.  Evoking confusion and sadness within.  Born in Canada in the 50's to newly arrived German immigrant parents.  Before reaching their teens, both left fatherless due to the war.  My father frequently imparting stories at our dinner table of those horrific years.  His underlying anger while describing frequent bombings, scarce resources, bloodshed, and lives lost.  Often blaming the enemy.  Portraying his family and friends as the victims.  Truly patriotic.  As a young person, all of this leaving me quite confused. Wondering about the glaring omission of the fact that his leaders had instigated that violence.  Later understanding that his upbringing was yet another tragic war casualty.  The children all victims of course. Subsequently noting my father and father-in-law technically enemies before my birth.  The latter enlisting with the Royal Canadian Air Force. Dropping bombs overseas.  My life informed by these two families on opposing sides of those circumstances.  Born into one, married into the other.  Leaving me somewhere in-between.  Thinking of all those who have needlessly suffered in countless wars.  Saving the poppies for others to wear.

Neither Strange Nor Crazy

Hearing voices.  Seeing messages.  Knowing things.  An acquaintance recently venturing to say, "Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you are a little off the wall."  No offense taken.  Quite the contrary. Finding it amusing.  Understanding that many of my experiences may seem strange and even crazy to others.  Being absolutely fine with that. Knowing these happenings all contribute to a richer and more vibrant life.  Hoping that by sharing here, others feel reassured when experiencing some of these occurrences themselves.  We are neither strange nor crazy.

Awaiting Lighter Moments

Dull and flat.  These two words aptly describing both the inside and out. Missing them so very much.  That space they inhabited so noticeably empty.  Acutely feeling that void.  Resulting in a dullness within.  The gloomy, damp, grey weather adding its unwelcoming layer of flatness to the day.  However, there is a walk along the river with my young companion this morning, followed by the book club get-together this evening.  Hence, lighter moments await.  They always do.            

Spiritual Smorgasbord

Reflecting on various spiritual concepts and activities my children were exposed to.  A smorgasbord of experiences.  As infants, each one being celebrated with a personal Dedication ceremony facilitated by the Unitarian church.  A few years later, all singing in the local United church choir.  During that same period, participating in a sacred event at a nearby Buddhist temple.  Receiving Dao, involving the awakening of ones third eye.  Then as a young teen, each daughter experiencing a unique celebration marking her transition from girl to woman. Throughout the years, all three spending cherished time with their Oma, a practising Catholic.  Diverse experiences amassed from numerous sources.  All stimulating their spiritual awareness.

Eight Months and Thirty Years

A morning filled with intense emotions.  The highs and lows of motherhood swirling within.  Today marking thirty years of being a mother.  Reflecting on how astonishing it feels to have a daughter this old.  Appreciating the good fortune of being able to share my life with her.  Valuing our loving relationship.  So proud of the woman she is. Simultaneously, recognizing it was Monday morning eight months ago today when my son left this world.  The feelings of grief understandably heightened.  Powerful emotions stemming from these two extreme experiences.  Coexisting.  Realizing love is at the core of it all.

Baby Parker

This is what hope and joy look like.  A little one making its way into our family.   All of us lovingly awaiting the spring arrival of you, Baby Parker.  Visions of your soul and Uncle Mike conferring ahead of time. About where and when to incarnate.  Some serious discussion.  Much laughter too.  Spending pure quality time together.  Choosing Michael's oldest sister and her husband to be the parents.  Two people keen on giving your life the best possible beginnings.  Surrounded by loving family and friends.  Great choice little one.  Very much looking forward to welcoming you into my arms soon.  You having already found a place in my heart.

Children's Parable

The Little Soul and the Sun.  Wonderfully written children's parable. Beautifully illustrated picture book.  A story of learning about who we really are.  Dealing with incarnation and having the human experience. Two little spirits discussing their responsibilities to each other.  All set in a loving environment.  Simple language.  Powerful message.  Written for children but so delightful to read as an adult.  Looking forward to taking it down off the shelf and rereading it soon.  A pleasant little interlude.

Palindrome Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.  A palindrome one at that.  Celebrating 55 years young.  On 2011-11-02.  All the numbers reading the same backwards and forwards.  An auspicious occasion to my way of thinking. Optimistically anticipating a powerful year ahead.  Sensing one abounding with positive and rewarding experiences.  Including savouring a piece of scrumptious birthday cake today!  

Day of the Dead

An intriguing festival.  Day of the Dead.  Countries around the world celebrating memories of their deceased family and friends today. National holiday for some.  Creating altars with offerings of food and symbolic tokens for departed spirits.  Visiting relatives' graves, candles and flowers in hand.  Reciting funny stories, dancing, and eating sugar skulls.   Slight variations on the same theme depending on where it is being celebrated.   However, the overriding sentiment the same. Predominantly festive atmosphere full of colour and life.  In stark contrast to the prevailing attitude to death here in this part of the world. Primarily one of fear and separation.  Imagining immersion in a culture joyfully celebrating this day.  With such a healthy perspective. Receiving such pleasure just thinking about it.

Costumes and Fireworks

Hallowe'en.  One of his favourite celebrations.  Even into adulthood. Various costumes over the years.  Clown, pirate, and Mexican in the early years.  Progressing to ghoul, vampire, and devil.  Followed by hockey player, gangster, and assorted others.  Later in his teens, filling his knapsack with fireworks and firecrackers.  Heading up to the park with a friend despite parental warnings.  Not surprisingly, getting everything confiscated by police a short time later.  Then as an adult, creating unique costumes for parties.  Telling me that actually wearing them was usually quite uncomfortable.  Despite the ideas appearing to be such good ones at the time.  Pure Mike.  Diesel always keen to participate as well. Greeting trick-or-treaters while wearing a Hawaiian shirt or sports jersey.  Those two.  They loved having fun.  Hopefully enjoying their existence immensely wherever they are.  Perhaps even making themselves known during the festivities tonight.    

Glorious Day

Taking our time.  Enjoying a magnificent fall drive to the cabin. Sunshine highlighting the vibrant colours along the way.  Stopping for lunch in Hope rather than just driving through.  Then on to Manning Park.  Bundling up for a peaceful walk around one of the many lakes.   Inhaling the crisp mountain air.  Light dusting of snow underfoot. Spotting several chipmunks and birds going about their day.  Hearing the powerful whoosh of a bald eagle's wings overhead.  Stopping briefly at the memorial just because.  Breathing through the emotions. Arriving at our destination shortly before dusk.  Witnessing a family of deer grazing along the shore.  All in all, a glorious day.

Dream Inspired Event

Planning a gathering.  Here at home later this fall.  Inviting Michael and Kelly's friends.  The younger crowd.  Inspired by the dream last week.  The idea leaping in the morning after.  So looking forward to it. Knowing how uplifting it will be.  An opportunity for them to reconnect as a group.  Spending time in each other's company.  Sharing more memories and hugs.  Staying in touch.  Continuing to support one another.  Just as it was shown in the dream.

Money is Not Real

Financial news making headlines daily.  Drama and fear the dominant energies involved.  Observing this with detachment.  Understanding money is not real.  Knowing from a young age that we exist without it. The notion of amassing large amounts lost on me.  Wondering about its position at the top of the value list for so many.  The pursuit and protection of it absorbing most of their time and energy.  Resulting in an absence of loving and meaningful relationships.  Contentment and happiness remaining elusive states.  Curious choice indeed.

Spoken from the Heart

The power of words.  Experiencing so many beautiful examples. Meeting up with a friend over coffee yesterday.  Sharing connection and meaningful conversation.  An uplifting visit.  Soon after, reading a message filled with reassuring words from another.  Such caring expressed therein.  In the evening, taking in an author's talk at the library.  Regaling the audience with her life stories.  Resulting in an hour of continuous laughter.  Later, receiving a call from a friend reading my daily post.  Wondering how my day had been.  Reaching out with compassion.  This morning reading loving thoughts sent by another.  Sharing her wisdom.  Friends communicating their care and support.  Offering comforting words.  Coinciding with the good fortune of being entertained by a charming stranger.  Words at times seeming quite inadequate.  Yet so powerful when spoken from the heart. Expressing them and receiving them.  

Cloud of Grief

Yesterday morning.  Blindsided by a heavy cloud of grief.  Blew in without warning.  Undeterred by the bright skies and sunshine outside. Stubbornly anchoring itself.  For no particular reason.  The date having no special significance.  Not missing them more than on other days.  It just happened.  This process of grieving so unpredictable.  Resulting in a 'holding my head above water' kind of day.  Profound sadness penetrating my entire being.  Weighing it down.  Tears flowing. Breathing laboured.  Despite meditation.  Not eased by the self talk of how much worse it could be.  Its firm grip remaining even after a long walk along the ocean.  Not relieved by a conversation with a friend or phone call to a relative.  Accepting this is what it looks like at times. Hopeful that today will be better.  Confident of being able to weather it if not.

Insights and Inspiration

Inspiration.  Wisdom from the universe.  Divine communication. Messages from spirit guides.  Gaining insight.  Various terms describing essentially the same phenomenon.  That of precious knowledge seeming to magically appear.  Designed to assist with living ones best life.  Delivered with loving guidance and support.  Available for anyone to tap into.  More easily and frequently accessed by people who are open.  Those regularly taking time to still the mind.  Quiet the chatter.  Yoga.  Meditation.  Deep breathing.  Out in nature.  Away from the distractions.  Opening the channels.  In and of itself enriching. Enabling wonders to occur.  Further exploration then possible.  Clearly communicating a specific concern.  With sincerity.  Inviting more of the often subtle messages in.  Paying attention in order to notice when they arrive.  Acting on them if it feels appropriate.  Always expressing gratitude for the guidance received.  Most important.  Increasing the possibilities of continued interaction.    

Emotional Support

Strolling along the seawall.  Reflecting on all those who have given me much needed emotional support over these past few months.  Then moving on to wondering about those who have been noticeably absent. Ones I imagined would be there but are not.  Feeling perplexed and saddened.  Contemplating this.  Subsequently turning it around. Realizing that of course the same could be said of me.  At times disappointing those looking for emotional support from me.  Expecting something I was or am still unable or unwilling to give.  Each one of us making daily choices based on who and where we are in life.  Deciding where to direct our energies.  Thankful for those who continue sharing theirs with me.

Michael Makes an Appearance

Showing himself last night.  For the first time, appearing to me in a dream.  Wherein a dozen of his friends were gathering on the grass in front of our home.  Male and female.  Soon following me inside. Making their way into the living room.  Joining hands to form a circle. Supporting each other.  Me, proceeding into the kitchen alone.  Seeing my son standing there.  Wearing jeans and a long sleeved pale pink shirt.  Looking just as he had before he passed.  My mind instantly processing that his friends were unable to see him.  Then picking up on his thoughts.  Sensing the pride he was feeling for all of them helping each other through this ordeal.  Such a powerful dream leaving me deeply moved.  This morning, speaking to one of his sisters.  She describing her evening at the townhouse last night.  Baking banana bread while listening to songs that reminded her of Mike.  Later, together with her husband in the living room, watching the slide show that had played at his service.  Suddenly distracted by an intense white ball of light hovering in the kitchen.  The size of a grapefruit.  Seconds later, seeing it explode, filling the entire room with a brilliant flash of light. Then disappearing.  Same evening.  Same rooms involved.  Two completely different events.  Very likely related.  Both of us feeling connected and thankful today.  

Colourful Contemplation

Today being Tuesday, blue comes to mind.  The colour that is.  Days of the week evoking colour personalities since childhood.  Wednesday dark brown.  Thursday purple.  Friday red.  Saturday medium brown. Sunday white.  Monday beige.  When thinking about a particular day, the corresponding tint popping into my head.  Later in life, complete experiences occurring entirely in just one colour.  Recently discovering a name for all this.  A form of synesthesia.  Noting the absence of some of the more vibrant options.   No pink, lime, orange, turquoise, or yellow days.  Those daily colour associations not preventing the black and white thinking of my youth.  Eventually however, experiencing an integration of sorts.  Enjoying more colourful contemplation now. 

Moral Inventory

Out for a run in the canyon.  Taking moral inventory.  Realizing there is still much work to do.  Acknowledging a number of traits that could use improvement.  Wanting to be kinder.  More compassionate.  Less judgemental.  More charitable.  Often falling short.  Humbling to recognize.  Walking this path of self improvement.  Never ending.  Always challenging.  One step at a time.

Birthday Season Begins

Our birthday season begins.  The ten of us born between mid October and the end of January.  Starting with my husband's special day.  Our family celebrating at the bowling lanes tonight.  Something we have not done in years.  Complete with food, cake, and singing 'Happy Birthday' off key.  Looking forward to the pure and simple fun of playing together. Missing their presence but grateful that we continue creating joyful moments to share.

Circle Gatherings

Meeting up in a church lounge.  The Compassionate Friends.  Each person there sharing a common experience.  Mourning the death of a child.  A close friend pointing out some time ago that I now belong to this "special club".  Reading in the group's literature that "there is no charge to attend, we have already paid our dues".  Appreciating the sentiment behind those words.  After the meeting, imagining the possibly of a circle gathering elsewhere sharing the pain of desperately wanting to have children but unable to.  Both grievous places to sit.  Of the two, preferring the one I am sitting in.

Hug from Spirit

Recalling a recent experience.  One from a couple of weeks ago. Mentioning to my husband that I could really use a hug from my mom. Craving that kind of nurturing.  Later that evening, practicing mediumship.  Standing behind a blindfolded fellow participant while she tuned in.  The two of us positioned in front of the sizable group. After accurately relating some characteristics of mine, she described a spirit which had come through for me.  One who had left with things unsaid.  In particular, how much she loved me.  Upon sharing further details, it became obvious that this was my mother.  Delivering her message of often being around me with love and coming specifically to give me a hug!  Another truly amazing experience.

Four Short Words

My son is dead.  Four short words.  By far the most difficult ones ever expressed in all these fifty-four years.  This phrase often jumping uninvited into my thoughts.  Regardless of what may be going on at the time. Heart tightening immediately.  Breathing more laboured.  Tears forming.  Understanding the truth of these words failing to prevent this visceral reaction.  An aspect of my being still frequently shocked by them.  Patience and compassion my allies in this.

Heartwarming Time Together

The comfort of turkey soup.  Made with love.  Enjoying a bowl on this rainy day back home.  Reflecting on the weekend.  Missing his energy, wit and one liners.  Fondly reflecting on his winning ways while playing various games.  Cribbage, Skip-Bo, Game of Things, Bean Bag Toss, Yahtzee.  All of us spending hours on these pastimes.  Warmed by an ever burning fire and each other.  Anecdotes of Michael weaving their way through our time together.  Plenty of joy and laughter interspersed with pangs of sadness while continuing to adapt to this new scenario.   A heartwarming time overall.

Giving Thanks

Seven months now.  Some milestones passed.  Others yet to come.  The flow of each day still very much up and down, in and out.  Going along for the ride to the best of my ability.  So looking forward to this weekend away.  A tradition started three years ago.  Celebrating Thanksgiving Gambier Island style.  Games to play, dogs to walk, and a bountiful turkey dinner to share.  Above all, time simply spent in each other's company.  So much to be thankful for.

Blowing Kisses

Perfect location.  Hanging there on the wall at the foot of the stairs.  A photo of just the two of them.  Taken at the cabin a couple of years ago. Both with their infectious smiles and piercing blue eyes.  That moment in time captured for eternity.  Connecting to this image when descending the staircase.  Through my heart and my eyes.  First thing in the morning.  Many times during the course of the day.  Often moved to blowing them a kiss.  Always a love filled moment.  And one of gratitude for having them in my life.

The Power of a Smile

Hanging on by a thread.  An expression that kept drifting through my mind this past day and a half.  Then, while walking in the drizzle along the trail with my young companion this morning, it hit me.  The idea that smiling, even when one is not feeling particularly happy, can actually reset one's sense of well-being.  So, I smiled.  Really hard.  That segued into asking spirit for help with feeling more content.  Instantly noticing the space around my heart opening up.   That flowed into creating a mental gratitude list.  Focusing on all the fabulous aspects of my life rather than directing attention to that which is gone.   As a result, experiencing an amazing shift in attitude.  Feeling much lighter.  Much better.  All from the power of a smile.

Slow Deep Breaths

One foot in front of the other kind of morning.  Focusing on mustering up some enthusiasm and energy.  Taking slow deep breaths.  Drawing on the universe's strength to propel me forward.  Acknowledging this is how it is right now.  Understanding this too shall pass. 

Labour of Love

Simple white wooden cross.  Now situated on the roadside.  A traditional symbol chosen to mark what transpired there thirty weeks ago today.  Not required, but the two of us believing this was something we needed to do.  Together planning, creating, and erecting it.  A true labour of love.  Built to last.  The talk of such things only slightly easier to bear than the actual implementation.  Both left feeling exhausted and proud.  Yet another challenging task completed. 

Pure and Simple

A moment infused with tranquility and contentment.  Across the lake, early morning sunlight streams onto the hillside.  Mesmerized by the magnificence.  Another day full of possibilities and potential.  In this beauty, the tears fall.  My body expressing the layer of grief that can only be processed on the physical level.  Regardless of time spent intellectualizing the situation or focusing on the spiritual aspect, there is energy still needing to be released.  This not negating the presence of the glorious day before me.  Pure and simple.

Puzzling Behaviour

Perplexing.  At times, disappointing.  Various scenarios with similar outcomes.  Acquaintances saying they will call.  Others announcing they would love to get together.  Mentioning plans to meet up.  For coffee, a walk, even weekends away.  Then nothing.  Days, weeks, months go by.  Not a word.  Initiating the discussion without following through.  Forgetful?  Too busy?  Life challenges?  Or simply empty gestures?  Puzzling behaviour.  Often observed over the years.  Still working on not getting too attached to the outcomes of these conversations.  An ongoing personal challenge.

Mediumship Skills

Another intriguing evening ahead.  Focusing on the development of mediumship skills.  A personal goal identified earlier this year.  Keen to continue the exploration of this discipline.  Improving my abilities. Taking another step forward.  Building on all that has come before. 

Shakti Energy

Shakti.  Sanskrit word meaning feminine divine force.  Creative power. Invoking this energy as needed.  Walking in the forest or seated cross legged with palms up.  Experiencing it recently in a guided meditation. My mother and both grandmothers showing up.  All three positioned directly behind me.  Fortifying me with the maternal energy they embodied.  Supporting me in this journey.  Feeling deeply reassured by their presence.  As mothers, they experienced numerous challenges.  Choosing this incarnation myself.  Fulfilling my deepest desire.  To be a mother.  Thankful for all it encompasses.

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem.  Seize the day.  And what a day it was.  Unseasonably warm weather.  Without commitments.  Decided to hike The Chief.   Arriving in Squamish, we laced up and headed off.  Passing moss covered boulders, majestic timbers, fast flowing river and fellow hikers. Atop the north peak, sharing a sandwich.  Drinking in the amazing view.  Then scrambling back down around boulders and logs, over bridges and stairways.  A carefree three hour adventure.  Time for coffee and people watching.  Stopping to browse through a gallery.  Back home, warm bath and simple pasta dinner.  Followed by Scrabble and a movie.  Not a day without tears but a great day to be alive.

Beauty in Dying

Fall equinox.  A new season begins.  Fresh crisp apples.  Juice droplets spraying out with every bite.  The comfort of a favourite sweater. Providing warmth against the cooler air.  Leaves soon to be piled high. Perfect for jumping into.  Moments of pure pleasure.  The most poignant aspect of fall, however, lying in its colours.  Those brilliant hues of oranges, yellows and reds.  Leaves embarking on the last leg of their journey.  Glorious to behold.  Impressed by the magnificence of this transformation.  Reviving a long held awareness that beauty can be found in dying.

La Pietà

La Pietà.  Opportunities abound for feasting ones eyes upon this powerful image.  Statues and paintings of it exhibited the world over in churches, galleries and museums.  No religious beliefs required in order to be stirred by this scene.  At the core, a mother cradling her deceased adult son.  Of late, reflecting on that.  Recalling the memory of standing in St. Peter's.  Deeply moved by Michelangelo's exquisite marble piece.  Feeling the sorrow and heartbreak emanating from that statue.  Now focusing on another aspect.  One not as obvious to me before.  That of profound love.  Calling to mind the impossibility of such pain existing without the love that came before.  I am not Mary, nor was he Jesus.  There was no crucifixion.  Relating however to the essence of that experience.  That of a mother outliving her child.  Embracing the depth of that love.  Something shared by millions over the ages. 

Spiritual Endeavours

ISA drop-ins begin again.  Back in full swing after the summer hiatus. Looking forward to Open Circle this evening.  Engaging in guided meditation.  Practicing intuitive skills.  Exploring various spiritual endeavours.  Bathed in healing and heartwarming energy.  Nurturing my soul.

Illuminating Visit

Invited to their townhouse to share an evening meal.  A visit with extended family.  Enjoying tasty appetizers in the living room.  Then taking our seats around their dining room table.  Beneath the glistening chandelier.  Chatting, eating, and laughing together.   Halfway through, mentioning Michael's name.  Prompted by the topic of conversation.  The light bulbs above instantly beginning a flickering dance. This chandelier once again showing us that his energy was there.  My daughter and I making eye contact.  The five of us in awe.  Big smiles all around.  Gratefully witnessing it first hand.  The oscillating bulbs indicating his obvious presence for close to half an hour.  Then settling back down into a steady glow.  Lingering over desert.  Once again reassured of his continued existence.  So thankful for his illuminating visit!  

Meditation for All

An entire day devoted to group meditation.  Enriching and elevating.  A generous gift on so many levels.  Fifty-five women.  Two men.  Curious about the imbalance.  Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Salvador Dalí.  Just a few of the accomplished men who engaged in this healthful practice.  All luminaries.  Enlightened beings.  Myself, looking forward to a future where all feel comfortable exploring meditation.  Male and female in equal measure.  Collectively reaping the rewards.  

Nourishing My Soul

Family dinners.  Making the effort.  Investing the time.  Not just limited to special occasions.  A Thursday evening, just because.  Interaction and communication revolving around a meal.  My daughters and son-in-laws believing in the importance of this too.  All taking turns hosting this cherished event .  Sharing supper and ourselves with each other.   Experiencing that deep connection, love and support.  Bonding. Contributing to the strength of the family.  Simple fare or a gourmet meal, this always nourishes my soul. 

Princess Kelly

Flipping through photo albums on this half year anniversary.  Encountering numerous pictures of her sweet face.  'Princess', the word that comes to mind.  Not the high maintenance kind.  Far from it.  Kelly was stunningly beautiful, inside and out.  A unique combination of girly girl and tomboy.  Such a sweet nature.  Sparkling blue eyes.  Radiant smile.  Long glossy brown hair.  Always gorgeous, no matter what she wore.  And most importantly, a heart filled with love for so many.  This her eternal gift to us all.

Powerful Petals

That lanky rosebush out front hard at work once more.  Had been flowerless for quite some time.  Began blooming again this week.  Four huge pink blossoms in all their glory.  Pausing to breathe in their rich fragrance while passing by.  Feeling uplifted and grateful within mere seconds.  What power those delicate petals possess.  Positioned in the centre of this townhouse complex.  Accessible to anyone wishing to stop and share in their splendour.  Wondering how many do. 

Heart Tattoo

Looking forward to this day with keen anticipation.  An appointment with the tattoo artist to honour Michael and Kelly.  A pink heart.  An obvious choice.  Positioned so that it is embraced by the wings of my phoenix.  Their initials inscribed in script within.  So many references to hearts and love when thinking of them.  That palpable uplifting energy present the last time we spoke.  The heart-shaped balloon shown to me days after the accident.  With Michael and Diesel inside.  Again showing up on the day of my son's service.   The three of them together in this same balloon.  The ice drawing on the lake, I ♡ KP.  Their love for family, friends and each other.  The love so many felt for them.  All this lives on.  This heart tattoo a creative expression encompassing of all that.

Roller-Coaster Ride

Saturday afternoon.  Feeling such contentment after a long walk on the back roads.  Preparing a lunch to enjoy on the beach.  Glancing out the window.  Seeing my husband hunched over the workbench below.  The scene before me causing my heart to leap up into my throat.  Saw in hand.  Two long, thin pieces of wood beside him.  Building a cross.  To commemorate the accident site.  The vulnerability of this moment hitting me hard.  Knowing a father never imagines this would ever be asked of him.  A spur of the moment decision for him to start this project now.  The concept of a memorial for that spot discussed but not finalized.  Together agreeing to explore options for a suitable plaque before continuing on.  A short time later, both able to savour our meal and the remainder of the day.  A wild and crazy roller-coaster ride indeed. 

Wrapped in Comfort

Enjoying  a mug of coffee up at the lake.  Sitting in lotus pose on the wicker chair outdoors.  A chill in this early morning air.  Afghan draped over my legs.  One my mother knit many years ago.  Something she loved to do.  Finding a welcoming home here after she died.  Beiges and browns.  Subtle zigzag pattern.  Practical.  Nothing flashy or showy at all.  Resting on the back of the sofa till needed.  Always ready to be pulled into service.  Offering warmth and comfort to all.  My mother's energy expressed in this treasured blanket.  Wrapped up in it, feeling that connection each and every time.

Walking Prayer Pose

Wandering along the mountain trail.  My companion, a young autistic man.  Slow and steady pace.  Perfect for paying heed to our lush surroundings.  Absorbing the breathtaking view.  Sampling the blackberries.  The expression on his face indicating they were still a little on the sour side.  Requiring a few more of these sunny days in order to fully ripen.  Observing two paragliders descending overhead.  A blue heron settling on a cedar bough nearby.  My hands coming together in prayer before me as we continue on our way.  Thankful for the gift of such a magnificent morning.

Six Months Today

Grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult.  Two simultaneously, doubly hard.  Six months today.  Both of them in or around my thoughts most of the day.  Some of the night.  Grief still residing deeply in so much of my being.  Eased at times by the knowing they are together.  That was Michael and Kelly's destiny.  Finding a measure of comfort in this.  Also buoyed by their smiling faces when asking them for help with all of this.  Diesel on occasion showing up with his grin.   Envisioning them watching over all those who loved them, with pride.  Observing us carrying on to best of our ability.  One hundred percent behind us.  And always in our hearts.

Invigorating Energy

Today, the first day of school for many.  New beginnings.  Back to work for others.  The return to routines.   This week offering a shift in focus.  Fresh ideas to consider.  Renewed commitment to existing endeavours.  All enhanced by an atmosphere charged with invigorating energy.  

Moment to Moment

Out for a run in the sun.  Pondering the expression, "One day at a time".  Using it often.  Realizing that perhaps, "One moment at a time" might be more accurate.   Reflecting on the previous evening.  Still early.  Playing Scrabble on the patio.  Warm air, lush greenery, wispy pink clouds against a pale blue sky.  Thoroughly enjoying it all.  Then suddenly, in all that magnificence, feeling a pang of anguish in my chest.  As if a knife were piercing my heart.  Three of Swords card in the Tarot deck.  Why?  For a fleeting moment, expecting  Mike and Kelly to walk in the back door, come out back, pull up some chairs and share highlights of their day.  Then, just as quickly as that image had appeared, the realization followed.   It would not be so.  All of this washed over and through me within seconds.  A few tears shed.  Shortly thereafter, smiling at the beauty of the half moon and the antics of the birds in the fountain.  This is how it flows.  Moment to moment.

Long Weekend

Another long weekend begins.  Always appreciated.  Bringing the gift of an extra day for playing in the sun.  Whispering a quiet goodbye to the summer that barely was.  Subtle hints of the approaching season now waiting in the wings. 

Lovable Being

Puppy energy.  A chocolate lab's curiosity, intelligence, and enthusiasm for life.  Up for whatever is going on.  This is what Barrett shares with me this week.  Staying here while his pack takes a much needed holiday to rejuvenate and restore.  My routines happily adjusted to accommodate this lovable fur covered being.   

Steeling Oneself

To steel oneself.  An expression that resonates of late.  Visualizing a length of rebar inserted into the spine.  In order to remain upright and carry on.  The opposing image, that of a puddle.  Just lying there.  Unable to partake of or undertake anything.  So much looking forward to the seawall walk with a good friend this evening.  Followed by a bite with further conversation.  Will continue to steel myself today.  Puddles are unable to enjoy such outings. 

Spirit Revival

Feeling somewhat beat up this morning.  Imagining this may be akin to having gone ten rounds.  The result of having watched the DVD of his service for the first time.  Mind, body and soul reliving that event of five and a half months ago.  Will not be choosing to do that very often.  Next up, meditation.  To revive my spirit and regain my equilibrium. Breathing deeply into that love connection accessed from within my heart. Where peace and comfort are waiting to be found.

Peacefully Coexisting

Another warm summer evening.  Attended an outdoor concert by the sea.  Two young musicians sharing their talents.  Went alone, but felt connected.  Followed by an impromptu late dinner nearby with one of my daughters.  Later, relaxing back home on the patio.  Breathing in the stillness and solitude by candlelight.  Soon interrupted by the sounds of a bear plodding along the small creek behind the hedge.  Mere metres away.  With its strong sense of smell.   Each of us knowing the other was there.  No fear.  Peacefully coexisting.  

Not Just Puppies and Rainbows

Gratitude list.  Valuable personal tool that helps keep perspective.  Focusing on the positive.  During last night's yoga class, we were each asked to consider just one thing we were grateful for.  To incorporate that into our practice.  What immediately came to mind was gratitude for how Michael died.  Or rather, how he did not die.  That he did not commit suicide.  It would be even harder to bear.  Reminded that it is not only puppies and rainbows that find their way onto gratitude lists.  Discovered one in my journal, written a few years ago.  Sixty one items long.  Today's would have as many, or more.

Adeptness of Human Nature

Strong and fragile.  Alternating between both states many times a day.  Emotionally and physically.  Able to keep perspective much of the time.  Drawing on compassion and patience for self and others while adjusting to this situation.  Focusing on gratitude.  Staying active for overall mental and physical well being.  All this interspersed with bouts of low energy.  Periods of penetrating sadness.  Feeling lost.  How could it be otherwise?  Heartened by this ability to flow back and forth between these contrasting states.  Continuing to marvel at the adeptness of human nature.  

Geronimo

Summer holidays.  Ideally, time for students to enjoy carefree adventures, daydreaming, and exploring their world.  While watching a young teen ride his bicycle along the trail, I was reminded of Michael's love of biking.  The hours and money spent customizing his prized mountain bike, all on his own dime.  Arriving home one summer evening with the bike noticeably worse for wear.  Explaining what had transpired.  Hoisting the bike atop a large storage container parked on the school field.  Riding right off it!  Testing his suspension.  Me, cringing while listening to his story.  Picturing him flying helmetless through the air.  Now smiling as I reflect upon that escapade.   So typical of who he was.   Wondering about the possibly of him yelling "Geronimo" as he took to the air!  Calling out the name of his fearless spirit guide. 

Urge to Call

Find myself longing to talk with my daughters more often.  Phone conversations every few days.  Meeting up weekly if possible.  Craving that ongoing connection.  Even more so than before.  In part, to counter my sense of vulnerability.  Of loss.  While reflecting on my recent phone conversations with them, the urge to call my son came on with great intensity.  The desire to speak with him as I could when he had a physical presence.  To ask about his week.  Touching base.  Longing for the banter.  Grateful for the new style of communication we do have, but often missing the old.

Willow Energy

The majestic weeping willow stands at the shore.  Matriarch of the ground upon which the cabin was built.  A younger one nearby, planted in honour of my mother's passing.  Powerful symbols of psychic and intuitive energies.  Embodying properties the ancients attributed to them.  Powers of wisdom, intuition, dreams, emotions and rebirth. When first stepping onto this land in the spring of 2000, the dynamic energy was instantly recognizable.  A year later, intuition prompting me to explore connections to this property using my pendulum.  Probing past life associations family members may have had to this area.  Shown that Michael and I were the only ones.  He my daughter, I his father.  This willow connection running deep.  My paternal grandmother born in the German town of Wiedenbrück, or Willow Bridge.  Willow energy.  Profoundly embedded in me.

Wordless Communication

Lounging in a beach chair, gazing out over the water.   Enveloped in peace and solitude.   Observing the approaching doe.  Watching her pass within a few metres.  A fawn not far behind.  Looking up at me, mama pauses briefly.  Making eye contact, we share wordless communication.  They then both return to grazing on the tender greens growing along the shore.  Quite confident that no harm will come their way.   Eventually wandering up the path.  Possibly never knowing the sense of awe and gratitude they left behind.

State of Contentment

Long meditative lake swim.  Dock time.  Leisurely late lunch at a local winery.   Whiling away the hours playing board games.  Plans made to spend a day with a very good friend, more of a sister really.  All under sunny skies.   Collectively creating a much appreciated state of contentment.  

Sparkling Chandelier

A few days ago, one of my daughters stopped by and with a grin on her face announced, “Guess who came over to my place last night?"  “Who?” I inquired. “Mike and Kelly!” she answered. With a huge smile on her face, she proceeded to fill me in.  A good friend had been invited over to her place for a visit.  Just the two of them spending an evening together.  The songs from Mike’s service playing in the background.  Conversation soon turning to spiritual beliefs and the afterlife.  Discussing the book, “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”. The idea that when it’s your time, it’s your time.  My daughter reiterating that energy continues to exist as energy.  It does not die.  And that for her, this made it all somewhat easier to bear. In that moment, the chandelier hanging above them caught their attention.  The intensity of the light in the bulbs began fluctuating wildly.  Brighter, dimmer. Continuously moving from one to the other.  “Sparkling” was the word she used. Both women could feel the very playful, humorous and loving energy in the room and instantly knew who was behind this.  They burst out laughing as they toasted Mike and Kelly’s presence. Twenty minutes later, it had all settled down.  A powerful experience that some may have found upsetting. These two however, reassured that our loved ones spirits are very much present in our lives. 

One Trip at a Time

This, our seventh visit to the cabin since that pivotal day.  Palpable unease present while preparing for the trip.  Finding it challenging to be here.  Our new reality much more difficult.  More so than at home.  Possibly due to less distraction.  Perhaps the result of just being here.  The place they spent their last weekend together on earth.  Intensely missing them.  Acutely feeling Diesel’s absence this time.  Making an effort to focus on patience.  Knowing that it will never be the same but hoping it will eventually get easier.  One trip at a time.

Connecting the Dots

Reflecting on some of the key events that led to the existence of this online diary.  Connecting all the dots.  Winning that trip to Mazatlan which required my daily posts on a promotional blog during the first week of January this year.  Describing the smorgasbord of experiences encountered there.  Blogging.  Something I had never done before.  An amazing opportunity.  Then, a month later.  The first week of February.  With prompting from my paternal grandmother's spirit, I committed to posting five days a week on my own blog.  Assuming at the time that the each entry might take thirty minutes or so.  Soon realizing that it took a couple of hours a day. Before long, the first week of March had arrived.  During which an accident occurred that would take their lives.  And change mine forever.  More than six months have passed since that first entry entitled "It's Just a Life".  Now, writing closer to three hours a day.  Spending many more playing with the possible concepts and themes.  Gaining clarity and awareness in the middle of the night.  Rising every morning, inspired to write.  Engrossed in the process.  Recognizing how much it nourishes me.  Curious to see where it leads.  This, the monumental gain from that tragic loss.

Uplifting Moments

Yesterday, late afternoon.  Pleased to see the sun finally shining while heading out to accomplish a few routine errands.  Never imagining that so many uplifting moments awaited me, interspersed between my stops.  An impromptu cafe visit over iced tea with one of my daughters.  A chance meeting with an acquaintance mentioning her desire to plan a walk together.   Saying hello to a former neighbour.  Being stopped by the mother of one of Michael's classmates offering her condolences and taking time to chat.  Receiving an email from Kelly's family informing me that arrangements had already been made.  So much heartfelt energy shared within the span of two hours.  Followed by the joy of arriving home to share with my husband that I had had a GREAT afternoon!   

One Full, One Still Empty

With the installation of his ashes and plaque complete, it was time to visit.  Last week, my husband and I together.  Unsure of what to expect.  Another 'first' in a line of many.  Pleasantly surprised.  Emotional of course, but not undone.  Standing there with the knowledge that these were only the fragments of his earthly remains.  That his spirit would always be connected to mine.  Feeling the love behind the eight words we had chosen to capture what we hoped he would be remembered for.  Your smile, laughter and caring heart touched many.  Then yesterday, ventured over again, alone.  Gazed at the round space in the wall, directly beside his.  The one meant for Kelly.  Still empty, unmarked.  Disappointment and anxiety creeping in, wondering if the plan will still go ahead.  That their remains be laid to rest side by side.  Understanding that in the big picture, it will not be end of the world if it does not come to pass.  To help comfort my heart however, very much hoping it will.

( Update: I received confirmation later this afternoon that arrangements had already been made.  So very, very grateful for that.)

Corpse Pose

During the last pose in a hatha yoga class.  Often it is here where the wisdom is heard.  Sanskrit name, Savasana.  The sound of the word itself relaxing.  Shaaavaaasaaanaaa - ahhh.  English translation, Corpse pose.  Lying on one's back with legs and arms resting outward at a slight angle, eyes closed.  Where relaxation permeates my entire being.  In this blissful meditative state, the awareness arrived.  Making the connection that some seek to create this extraordinary experience through the use of alcohol, drugs, and other mind altering agents.  This choice often followed by detrimental, and even potentially fatal side effects.  Contrast that with Savasana.  An opportunity for a natural 'high'.  Opening one to numerous possible side effects as well. Such as feeling infused with a deep sense of calm and contentment.   Being reminded of one's connection to all that is.  Experiencing the blurring of the lines between here and there.  All free.  All good.

Sublime Summer Day

Saturday, so much fun.  Under cloudy skies, we set off on the motorcycle.  A day for meandering, no agenda.  Up on the ferry deck, the very welcomed appearance of the sun.  Then off to a friend's ocean side cottage for a short but cherished visit.  Back on the road, made our way up the coast.  Bodies caressed by the warm summer breeze.  Exploration of nooks and crannies along the route before stumbling upon the perfect spot for a late lunch.  Painted Boat Resort.  Quaint name, delicious food, idyllic setting.  Filled with gratitude and contentment, it was time to head back.  A stop for coffee and desert en route.   Seaside stroll as well.   Return trip on the ferry, followed by a short ride for the last leg of our journey.  Interrupted by an impulsive stop along the way at the outdoor wedding of a daughter's friend.   To give the young bride a hug.  What a sublime summer day.

Gift of Time

The calendar pages continue to turn.  Five months yesterday.  Initially missing him with my every breath.  The tears flowing freely.  Today, twenty minutes may pass without thoughts of Michael, Kelly or Diesel.   Teary less often.   A few times a day.  Adapting.  This is the gift of time.

Living with Death

Parents grieving the death of a child.  Sisters mourning the loss of their brother.  Friends deeply missing one of their own.  This morning's paper filled with stories mirroring ours.  Human beings dealing with these inescapable human experiences, each in their own way.  Learning how to live with death.  Something asked of each one of us the moment we chose to be born.

A Refreshing Choice

Speaking with a young mother of three, now considering a fourth.  Discussing the prevalence of expectant parents desiring to know the sex of their fetus long before birth.  Sharing this news with friends and family months before their child is born.  She, in the minority.  Choosing to wait until the Birth Day.  How refreshing.  Embracing the anticipation and wonder leading up to that precious event.  Boy or girl, what will it be?  The subsequent excitement of finding out in that awe filled moment of birth.  The majority choosing to deny themselves the pleasures to be found in this gift of waiting.   One choice costing nothing, the other costing missed opportunities.  Just because one can, does not always mean one should.

Sea of Emotions

Finding every day to be a very bumpy ride indeed.  Travelling in this sea of emotions.  Sadness, contentment, disappointment, joy, grief, love, loneliness, and gratitude.  Often shifting from one to another in mere seconds.  Some days filled with more of the uplifting feelings.  Others weighted in favour of those that can be difficult to endure.  When experiencing prolonged periods of the challenging emotions,  I think back to a recommendation heard regarding cravings at an addictions education seminar last year.  To notice the urge, acknowledge it, observe it, and remember that it will pass.  Works with uncomfortable feelings too.  A healthy prescription for helping to stay the course.

Lipstick Lesbian

Went for my monthly haircut, extra short this time.  A glimpse in the mirror left me smiling as I recalled a previous hair related incident.  It occurred during Life Skills Coach training at Rhodes Wellness College.  A classmate had taken our group photo home and over dinner, had shown it to his partner and friends, all of whom were gay.  Pointing to my image, one friend commented on the short haircut and asked about this Lipstick Lesbian.  It fell upon my classmate to correct the inaccurate assumption.  We had a good laugh as he shared this with me the following day.  Recognizing the irony, as well as the timing.  One of our topics of course study?  Judgement.

Saying the Wrong Thing

"Are you over it yet?"  This from a loving and well meaning relative yesterday.  The resulting tears due in part to the shock of hearing it asked.  Twenty one weeks ago today.  Accept it?  Yes.  Over it?  No.  Not able to imagine it is something one ever gets "over".  Saying the wrong thing.   How often I have done that myself.  Sometimes knowing it as soon as the words left my lips.  At other times, the realization coming later.   Add in the moments of being totally unaware of the effect my words had on another.  Perhaps this is why some people neglect to make any reference at all to what has transpired.  Even though it is the first time we have seen each other since it happened.  Even though they know.  Fear of saying the wrong thing.  I understand.  

Lasting Friendships

A walk along the seawall this morning with a friend of forty years.   Time to catch up on each other's lives.  A daily occurrence in junior high.  Less frequent during college and university life.  As young wives and working mothers, a couple of times a year.  More often now.  Our life philosophies may be different, daily routines unalike, and our neighbourhoods further apart.  It is the similarities however, that have kept us connected.  Married over thirty years.  Mothering three children.  Navigating family dynamics.  We both know what is involved.  The two of us valuing this relationship and making the effort to stay in touch a few times a year, every year.  Lasting friendships.  Priceless.

Gift of Sunlight

Sunlight shining down on my world today.  So scarce of late, this precious gift.   Very grateful for its presence.   Will be spending time outdoors soaking it up.  Tomorrow it may be gone.

No Better Word

Words.  When expressing emotions, I have hundreds of eloquent ones to choose from.  And yet, on occasion it is a very primitive utterance that fits best.  F**K.  An expletive used to voice the deep sense of overwhelming loss I often feel as I reflect upon all that has happened.  When it hits me hard that they will not be back.  That physical connection, gone.  No more hugs.  None of their laughter or smiles.  Spoken silently in my mind or forcefully expelled from deep within my chest.  Sometimes it is the only word to choose.

Incredible Communication Network

After a restorative week away, it was time to return home.  A short wait time posted for the Peace Arch border crossing, so that was our pick.  It had been years since we last took this route.  Upon re-entering Canada,  I powered up my iPhone.  While awaiting reactivation, I realized that my mother's grave site was only a short distance away.  Three months since my last visit so we decided to stop by.  Then, glancing down at my iPhone, I noticed there was notification of a lone voicemail message.  Pulling into Victory Memorial cemetery I pushed play and heard Boal Memorial informing me that the plaque had been mounted on Michael's space in the wall.  It was now complete.  What uncanny timing.  Date that message was left?  Friday.  Friday night was when the third dream involving Michael and Kelly occurred.  Concerning a family discussion about a possible gathering at the Capilano Wall after both the plaques were placed.  Are you kidding me?  This incredible communication network continues to amaze me.

The Dreams Begin

So, the dreams finally begin.  I had not dreamed of either of them since they died.  Then, a couple of nights ago, the first one.  About Michael, about me.  In it, the subject of his death came up and I was very angry at a stranger's passing comment indicating how little value she placed on my son's life.  I became upset to the point of yelling.  I left the scene shaken, formulating the blog I would write about this incident entitled, "I Lost It!".  When I awoke, I was reminded of so much.  That as a mother, I will still fiercely protect my son, even after he has passed.  That my anger can still flare up in a moment's notice.  And that clearly, blogging has become an integral part of my life.

The following night, it was Kelly's turn.  She was with one of her best friends and her twin brother.  Through the dream story, she expressed matter-of-factly that in the years following her mother's death, she was unable to depend on others "to do" for her in the way her mother did.  Despite the efforts of many caring people in her life, ultimately no one could fill those shoes.  When I awoke from this dream, I was left with such deep sadness.  However, upon reflection, I recognized a powerful testament to her mother's love.

Both dreams revolving around motherly love and death.  I was curious to see when the dreams would begin.  Grateful that they have.

Paradise in a Parking Lot

We pull up to an older motel complex alongside the highway. Tired looking room with basic decor and amenities.  Looks and smells like it has passed its prime.  Bend is close to fully booked so it will do.  After exploring the town and enjoying a tasty lunch, it is time for a break.  My husband suggests we check out the small pool, conveniently located in the middle of our motel parking lot.  Separated from the asphalt by a mesh fence, no more.  I envision cracked cement, peeling paint, and dozens of fellow vacationers splashing around in what amounts to an over sized bath tub.  Upon opening the gate, I am thoroughly surprised.  The entire area is completely renovated, everything looks brand new.  Pale blue pool with glistening white tile.  Shiny aluminum ladder and handrail.  Crystal clear water.  Comfortable lounge chairs on a clean stone patio. And no one there. With the pool to myself,  I spend three quarters of an hour swimming mini laps, mesmerized by the beauty of the sunlight dancing on the pool floor.  With the sun on my back, the rest of the world falls away. A form of meditation.  I am gliding in that magnificent space where the air meets the water.   Existing in both realms simultaneously.  Pure bliss.  I found paradise in a parking lot.

Struggle or Suffer?

Suffer or struggle?  Two words similar in length each containing four common letters and a double consonant.  They may appear to be interchangeable.  However, when facing challenges, the word we use speaks volumes.  One person describes suffering from a condition.  Another shares that he struggles with it.  Suffering is the victim's word of choice.  One who tolerates the situation.  Allows the power to reside elsewhere.  Struggle implies exerting great effort trying to achieve positive results.  A person of strength.  So much expressed in just one word.

Making Us Laugh

"Letters to Uncle Mike".  This was the title of the book my eyes first landed upon as I entered the shop.  Skimming the back cover, I instantly recognized that same sharp sense of humour my son had.  A book filled with quirky questions regarding relationships, sex, manners, and more.  The kind that leaves one wondering, "Are these people for real?" All answered with an incredibly sharp wit.  My son was a keen observer of human behaviour and often used humour to share those insights.  He never got the chance to be an uncle but he did have many opportunities to share those laser observations and make so many of us laugh.

Soothing Seashore

Exploring the vibrant seashore.  Breathing in that invigorating ocean air.  Smiling at the puffins as they fly overhead.   Enchanted by the colourful sea stars and recalling that connection to a previous meditation.  Absorbing the soothing energy of the rolling waves.  Hand in hand, we amble barefoot along the beach, laughing as we create the sounds of barking sands.  Later, resting in adirondack chairs side by side, watching the world go by.  Every cell in my body feeling deeply relaxed.  So fortunate to be able to pass the time this way.  Being in the moment, together.

Road Trip

Pointed the car due south and set out on a road trip over the line.  No long list of things to see or do.  Time to just be.  Long overdue R & R.  Our last excursion to the Oregon Coast took place exactly twenty six years ago.  Two very young daughters, four months pregnant with our son.  The space bookended by these two visits embodied his time here with us.  Four months either side.  Intriguing.

Direct Communication

Argentina, Australia, Bahrain, Brazil, Canada, China, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kenya, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Monaco,  Netherlands, Norway, Philippines, Poland, Puerto Rico, Russia, Singapore, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Sri Lanka, Switzerland, Ukraine, United Kingdom, United States of America, and Vietnam.

People around the world reading my thoughts the moment I type them into cyberspace.   Most individuals accept this mysterious method of correspondence without question.  The majority do not understand it but see the evidence of its existence. What keeps some of those same people from realizing that communication with spirit is just as real?  Pure energy to energy contact.  Direct connection.  With faith and practice, our own innate abilities offers us this other style of communication with each other.  Experience the proof.  No technology required.