Finding Comfort Within a Dream

     

     And so it begins ... emotionally, the most challenging few weeks of the year with regards to Michael's absence, from the beginning of December until his birthday early January. Plans for the Christmas season being made, decorations unpacked, seasonal music playing - all things, that for the most part, bring me joy. However, it's hard to ignore the huge spotlight that shines on all that is family, resulting in his absence holding an even larger space in my life.
     During this past weekend, I felt the sadness and tension building in my body, despite having spent a joy-filled afternoon up Grouse Mountain with my grandchildren the day before. While readying for bed Sunday night, I gazed into the bathroom mirror and from deep within my heart, beseeched Michael to please come through in a dream. I needed to connect with him, communicate with him, be with him.  It had been a few years since he had appeared in a dream.
     After waking the next morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee and wandered into the living room, surprised to see my husband sitting there, as he's often left for work by 7am. Settling into the comfy lounge chair across from him, I suddenly remembered that I did have a dream about Michael, but before I could even start sharing it with my husband, I began to cry - releasing some of the tension that had been building, along with the surprise that it had actually happened.  
     In the dream, I was walking down the narrow hallway of a house (not my own), when I came to a small room off to the right, its door half way open. Looking in, I noticed a single bed - no other furniture or decor. Lying on his back on top of the bedcover was a young male wearing sweat pants and a black hoodie. As I stepped closer, I saw that he was awake and guessed him to be about 14 years old. My first thought was that he looked very similar to Michael but I knew he was dead and had been an adult when he died, so I was confused. However, when I reached the bed, I knew it was him. I sat down beside him, in awe. With his eyes meeting mine, I took in his radiant round face and sweet smile. My heart melted. As I bent down to hug him, I asked how this was possible, how he was able to appear to me as a boy, fully alive. He explained that it was not easy but that he had chosen to squeeze into this shape so that I would easily recognize him and find comfort. Finding comfort, that I did. Understanding how this all works, no idea at all. Just so glad that it does.
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PS - I went into the storage room to find a photo of Michael to add to this post and the first album I pulled out held this one, Christmas 2000 aged 14 wearing his black hoodie 💗 

Multi-Layered Spiritual Connection

      Seated in the living room lounge chair last Saturday morning, with my back to the floor-to-ceiling window, I was rereading notes I had made during the summer of 2015, after meeting up with a young person at their request. This individual had never met Michael but learned about the death of our son through a business connection. They contacted me thinking I might be interested to hear about an experience they had had involving Michael, and of course, I was. During our visit, the person described a vivid dream in which Michael had shared an incredible amount of very accurate information.
     The reason I now wanted to refresh my memory about the details the person had relayed to me was because I was planning to stop in at the Orchard Recovery Centre that afternoon. In the dream, Michael had referred to a "cool circle bench in a quiet space on the island" and the individual knew it was a connection to the Orchard. They subsequently found out that names of deceased clients were memorialized there as well. I had never heard of the bench nor the honouring of Orchard participants who had died. Curious to learn more, I had vowed to follow up the next time I visited Bowen Island with a car. Today would be my first visit back to the recovery centre since attending the weekly family education sessions during Michael's six week stay there in the spring of 2010.
     Now, after closing my notebook, my husband, who had been looking out the window while sitting on the sofa across from me said that while I had been reading, a hummingbird had approached my back, hovered behind me for a few moments, just over my shoulder, then flown off.  Simply perfect, because midway through those notes were the words, "Nocturnal hummingbirds much louder, bigger and more playful than usual. One hovered and seemed to stare at him for a while. Like a friend of his. Then flew away."
    After arriving at the Orchard early Saturday afternoon, I spoke to one of the counsellors who had worked with our family and found out that staff had likely added Michael's name to the memorial garden in 2011, but she strongly encouraged me to create a tag of my own. I was led to the outdoor space, then left there to experience it alone. The circle bench, unlike anything I have ever seen, was indeed located in a quiet space, designed with an elongated, low-angled back rest, allowing one's entire body to relax into it. When seated, one's gaze is drawn upwards, beyond the tops of the towering trees, into the sky beyond. A meditative memorial space in the woods. While writing a short message on the thin copper tag I had been handed, I noticed that there were two stuck together and that the pen was actually pressing the message onto both tags. So, as an added bonus, I was able to take one home, with the same engraved wording that now hangs in a majestic cedar.  A gift to remind me of this deeply meaningful, multi-layered experience of connection to Michael's spirit.

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Pink Feather

   

     Last week, Kelly came to me in a short, but beautiful, vivid dream. With a carefree and happy demeanour, she playfully ran across a grass field, exuding love. It had been years since I dreamt of her - it felt wonderful to feel her presence again. 

     Today, midway through boot camp, our group headed outside for an activity on the back parking lot and while running over to the equipment, I noticed a small, neon pink feather lying on the pavement. I picked it up and looked around to see if there was an obvious source or if there were any others ... no and no. Then, my thoughts turned to Kelly. I could not help but think this feather was linked to the dream, since they were both filled with the same kind of love energy. That fun, free and easy kind of love. Smiling all the way into my heart, I turned the feather this way and that before tucking it into my pocket for safe keeping.  

     I am grateful for both these exquisite events, for heaven knows, one can never experience too much love!

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Realizing a Dream

Tomorrow, my husband and I will move into our mid-century modern home.  It's a jewel.  For years it has been his dream to live in this style of architecture, and last fall, after seeing this particular house, I was finally ready to embrace that dream with him.  With great sincerity, I then began asking the Universe for assistance to help make this a reality.  Financially, it seemed so far beyond our reach, but in early December, we committed to going for the dream even though we knew it would be a long shot.  From that moment on, there were frequent signs that the spirit world was assisting us in our endeavour.

There was the last minute, out of the blue, offer of two tickets to the sold out screening of the Coast Modern documentary (showcasing homes with this particular architecture), which we had unsuccessfully tried to get tickets for a week earlier -  seeing this movie prompted us to get serious and go for it.  There was the surprise of seeing March 7th indicated as the completion date on the contract our buyers initially presented to us when we sold our home (mirroring another "completion" date of great significance).  However, my favourite sign occurred when my husband did an Internet search on the address of the new home and noticed a link entitled North Vancouver-canyon-heights-Mike Gibson.  What??  When we clicked on that, we discovered a realtor named Michael Gibson in Vancouver who, at some point in the past, had linked this property to his website, even though it was not his listing.  These are just three of the dozens and dozens of crazy "coincidences" we experienced.  This dream was realized through much effort by numerous individuals, visible and invisible, all working together.  We could not have done it without them.

Divine Illumination

Waking with lingering impressions of a particularly clear and poignant dream.  In it, travelling with the trailer, just as we currently are.  However, in this scenario, stopping en route for a short layover at our cabin.  Running into one of Michael's friends who actually lives in that area.  Asking me if he and a buddy could spend the night with us, in our cottage.  Explaining that it is a little too hectic at his family's home right now.  Replying, "Of course, anytime."  Sensing this young man's compassionate nature, while receiving his  big bear hug from behind.  He wanting to know how I was doing.  Assuring him that I was well, and thanking him for inquiring.  A short time later, all of us relaxing around the fire outdoors.  Soon after,  his sister unexpectedly stopping by with a gift.  Extending her hand, and offering me a ring.  Mentioning that when first spotting it, she had instantly known it was meant for me.  A perfect, round stone, mounted upon a smooth gold band.  Somewhat pearl-like in appearance.  Its lower half, slate grey in colour.  The upper portion, glowing brilliant white.  Immediately understanding the powerful symbolism.  Even with, or possibly due to, underlying darkness, there exists in life an equal measure of beauty and light.  This dream casting divine illumination on the day ahead. 

Valuable Gifts

Wow!  What a fabulous gathering of youthful energy at our home this weekend.  Close to thirty of Mike and Kelly's good friends coming together to welcome the season.  Sharing friendship, conversation, and good cheer.  Crafting tree ornaments containing mini photos.  Old stories and new ones making the rounds.  All in an atmosphere infused with love and joy.  This, Michael's wish for them all.  To stay close. Support each other.  Further evidence that valuable gifts can be realized when acting on the power of a dream.  

Dream Inspired Event

Planning a gathering.  Here at home later this fall.  Inviting Michael and Kelly's friends.  The younger crowd.  Inspired by the dream last week.  The idea leaping in the morning after.  So looking forward to it. Knowing how uplifting it will be.  An opportunity for them to reconnect as a group.  Spending time in each other's company.  Sharing more memories and hugs.  Staying in touch.  Continuing to support one another.  Just as it was shown in the dream.

Michael Makes an Appearance

Showing himself last night.  For the first time, appearing to me in a dream.  Wherein a dozen of his friends were gathering on the grass in front of our home.  Male and female.  Soon following me inside. Making their way into the living room.  Joining hands to form a circle. Supporting each other.  Me, proceeding into the kitchen alone.  Seeing my son standing there.  Wearing jeans and a long sleeved pale pink shirt.  Looking just as he had before he passed.  My mind instantly processing that his friends were unable to see him.  Then picking up on his thoughts.  Sensing the pride he was feeling for all of them helping each other through this ordeal.  Such a powerful dream leaving me deeply moved.  This morning, speaking to one of his sisters.  She describing her evening at the townhouse last night.  Baking banana bread while listening to songs that reminded her of Mike.  Later, together with her husband in the living room, watching the slide show that had played at his service.  Suddenly distracted by an intense white ball of light hovering in the kitchen.  The size of a grapefruit.  Seconds later, seeing it explode, filling the entire room with a brilliant flash of light. Then disappearing.  Same evening.  Same rooms involved.  Two completely different events.  Very likely related.  Both of us feeling connected and thankful today.  

Incredible Communication Network

After a restorative week away, it was time to return home.  A short wait time posted for the Peace Arch border crossing, so that was our pick.  It had been years since we last took this route.  Upon re-entering Canada,  I powered up my iPhone.  While awaiting reactivation, I realized that my mother's grave site was only a short distance away.  Three months since my last visit so we decided to stop by.  Then, glancing down at my iPhone, I noticed there was notification of a lone voicemail message.  Pulling into Victory Memorial cemetery I pushed play and heard Boal Memorial informing me that the plaque had been mounted on Michael's space in the wall.  It was now complete.  What uncanny timing.  Date that message was left?  Friday.  Friday night was when the third dream involving Michael and Kelly occurred.  Concerning a family discussion about a possible gathering at the Capilano Wall after both the plaques were placed.  Are you kidding me?  This incredible communication network continues to amaze me.

The Dreams Begin

So, the dreams finally begin.  I had not dreamed of either of them since they died.  Then, a couple of nights ago, the first one.  About Michael, about me.  In it, the subject of his death came up and I was very angry at a stranger's passing comment indicating how little value she placed on my son's life.  I became upset to the point of yelling.  I left the scene shaken, formulating the blog I would write about this incident entitled, "I Lost It!".  When I awoke, I was reminded of so much.  That as a mother, I will still fiercely protect my son, even after he has passed.  That my anger can still flare up in a moment's notice.  And that clearly, blogging has become an integral part of my life.

The following night, it was Kelly's turn.  She was with one of her best friends and her twin brother.  Through the dream story, she expressed matter-of-factly that in the years following her mother's death, she was unable to depend on others "to do" for her in the way her mother did.  Despite the efforts of many caring people in her life, ultimately no one could fill those shoes.  When I awoke from this dream, I was left with such deep sadness.  However, upon reflection, I recognized a powerful testament to her mother's love.

Both dreams revolving around motherly love and death.  I was curious to see when the dreams would begin.  Grateful that they have.

3:33

What will today bring?  I have been lying awake for some time now.   Glancing over at the clock I behold 3:33.  It began last night.  That energy swirling around inside me while I was trying to fall asleep.  No caffeine or sugar to blame.  An overactive mind?  Most nights I am blessed with seven to eight hours of that altered state.  Rest.  Dream.  Rejuvenate.  Just not tonight. 

Michael's Reccurring Dream

When my son was nine years old, he shared this very powerful reccurring dream with me.  In it, our family is standing on the grassy banks of a river running through a valley, with Michael and I on one side and Bob, Kate and Stephanie on the other.  We all jump in and start swimming downstream, where the river becomes increasingly stronger with rapids up ahead.  "Hold on to that rock over there Michael", I call out.  At this point he and I are still swimming on our side of the river with the others across from us.  He misses the rock that I'm now holding onto, while Bob and the girls head to shore.  Michael continues down the river alone, ending up in a whirlpool, getting spun around and pushed down to the bottom of the river, dying.  At this point he wakes up from the dream.  The river symbolized his spiritual path. My interpretation of this dream at the time was that even though he was part of a close and loving family, ultimately he was alone on this journey of life with difficult times ahead. That dream proved to be very prophetic.