Signs of Support

     Tomorrow marks the 8th anniversary of Michael's death. Rather than taking flowers to Boal Memorial on the actual date, as I have in the past, this year I decided ahead of time that I would go this morning - a mental health choice that I felt would make tomorrow a little easier and more uplifting.
     A few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to participate in a community fundraiser - an afternoon Scrabble Tournament taking place on March 7th to raise money for grandmothers in Africa. My husband and I play Scrabble most evenings so I knew it could be an enjoyable event and said "yes", grateful for the distraction, the opportunity to support a good cause, and knowing I would have the support of this friend on a trigger day, another mother who lives with the loss of a child. Later this month will mark seven years since her adult daughter's accidental death.
     This morning, my plan was to walk my younger daughter's chocolate lab Barrett (related to Diesel and born four days before the fatal accident involving Mike, Kelly and Diesel), along the river for about an hour, then take him with me to Boal, which would be his first time there.  After getting into my car (which was parked in the carport), I reached over to close my door when I noticed one small feather lying on the ground nearby. Smiling to myself, I reached down and picked it up, then placed it on the seat beside me - thankful for this little sign.
     After fetching Barrett, I drove to Bridgeman Park, located beside Lynn Creek. Due to the ongoing construction in the area, I had not been there since last spring but today, it felt like the right place to go. I parked the car, leashed up the dog and let him out. He instantly beelined it to a fence post about 30 metres away, to take a pee. As I stood there waiting for him, I looked up at the post and could hardly believe my eyes -  a small, pink heart resting near the top! Obviously, the perfect spot for our walk together today.
     After our river walk, we visited Boal, then after dropping him off, I headed home. Later, I picked up my granddaughter after school and brought her back to my house. She immediately noticed the feather I had now placed on my kitchen counter and told me she had found one that looked exactly the same. Reaching into her backpack, she pulled out a twin feather. When I asked her about it, she told me she had found it while walking along Mosquito Creek during her class field trip this morning, put it into her pocket until she got back to school, then into her knapsack for safekeeping! The signs and loving energy of the day filled my well, placing me in good stead for tomorrow.
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Salmon Inspiration

While swimming lengths at the pool recently, I was surprised to feel fatigue setting in around the 3/4 mile mark.  I contemplated slowing down or even cutting my swim short, but then I considered the salmon in my local river.  When they were young, they made their way down to the ocean.  Now, those fortunate enough to have survived to maturity have returned to their birth river.  Swimming upstream against the current, periodically challenged to leap over rock barriers, these salmon exert themselves fully for days on end.  Their goal is to return to their spawning grounds regardless of the hurdles that await them en route.  As I thought about the determination each one of them exhibits during that long and arduous journey, it was an easy decision to finish out my little swim without compromise.

Summer Storm

Shortly before midnight, I was awakened by a rare summer storm.   It was not the rumbling of the thunder that lured me out of the comfort of my bed, but rather, the intense lightening.  So extreme, that each flash lit up the inside of my entire house, due to the full glass walls at the back and numerous clerestory windows along the sides.  Light spilled down through the skylight, as well.  

I ventured outside in my robe to fully experience the magnitude of Mother Nature's show.  Rain poured down the rain chains into the stones below, creating a vertical river in my backyard.  In the absence of any wind, the gigantic evergreens seemed to stand at attention, each lightening flash flooding them fully.  It was as if the trees were posing to have their majestic presence captured by a heavenly photographer. Viewing this entire spectacle with awe, I briefly wondered if I would meet the skunks or bear that had recently visited here.

Within the hour, the storm had passed, and the darkness returned.  The river, reduced to a trickle.  I wandered back to bed and considered how fortunate I was to have witnessed such unexpected beauty.  This morning I recalled that just before going to bed, I had entered a contest to win a winter storm watching getaway.  Perhaps last night was just a taste of things to come. 

Bittersweet Day

Sitting here in the dark.  Well after midnight now.  Writing by the light of two small candles glowing beside my son's picture on the shelf. Earlier this evening, enjoying a leisurely family dinner here.  With everyone pitching in.  A few hours later, the girls, their husbands, the baby, and my friend all going home.  Now still experiencing that familiar bittersweet state.  Pleasure tinged with sadness.  Present from the planning and preparation right through to the clean up.  Lingering in my heart long after.  Every time.  Recognizing it earlier this afternoon.  While walking along the river trail.  The notion, "My heart breaks many times a day," presenting itself.  Aptly describing ones such as this.

Sun's Kiss

The two of us ambling along through the forest yesterday afternoon. Close to the river's edge.  Silently enjoying the unhurried pace.  Bundled up in down vest and gloves.  Approaching a clearing in the trees. Slowing down even further.  My face instinctively angling itself towards the sun.  Like the potted plant on the kitchen sill.   Keen to absorb the maximum available warmth and light.  Continuing to walk with eyes closed.  Lost in the moment.  Deeply appreciating this kiss of life.    

Awaiting Lighter Moments

Dull and flat.  These two words aptly describing both the inside and out. Missing them so very much.  That space they inhabited so noticeably empty.  Acutely feeling that void.  Resulting in a dullness within.  The gloomy, damp, grey weather adding its unwelcoming layer of flatness to the day.  However, there is a walk along the river with my young companion this morning, followed by the book club get-together this evening.  Hence, lighter moments await.  They always do.            

Michael's Reccurring Dream

When my son was nine years old, he shared this very powerful reccurring dream with me.  In it, our family is standing on the grassy banks of a river running through a valley, with Michael and I on one side and Bob, Kate and Stephanie on the other.  We all jump in and start swimming downstream, where the river becomes increasingly stronger with rapids up ahead.  "Hold on to that rock over there Michael", I call out.  At this point he and I are still swimming on our side of the river with the others across from us.  He misses the rock that I'm now holding onto, while Bob and the girls head to shore.  Michael continues down the river alone, ending up in a whirlpool, getting spun around and pushed down to the bottom of the river, dying.  At this point he wakes up from the dream.  The river symbolized his spiritual path. My interpretation of this dream at the time was that even though he was part of a close and loving family, ultimately he was alone on this journey of life with difficult times ahead. That dream proved to be very prophetic.

The River as a Teacher

The Capilano is a deep and majestic river, mere minutes from my home where I often walk my dog Diesel and lose myself in nature. One day not too long ago, I was contemplating the power of the water as it roared over the boulders and was struck by the awareness that each of those single water drops does not obsess about what it's purpose here on earth may be, or of it's worth as an individual being the way I sometimes can. Instead, there is a deep knowing that all that is required is that it be it's full self and that by doing that, together they can literally move mountains and are powerful beyond measure.