Monday, October 31, 2011
Hallowe'en. One of his favourite celebrations. Even into adulthood. Various costumes over the years. Clown, pirate, and Mexican in the early years. Progressing to ghoul, vampire, and devil. Followed by hockey player, gangster, and assorted others. Later in his teens, filling his knapsack with fireworks and firecrackers. Heading up to the park with a friend despite parental warnings. Not surprisingly, getting everything confiscated by police a short time later. Then as an adult, creating unique costumes for parties. Telling me that actually wearing them was usually quite uncomfortable. Despite the ideas appearing to be such good ones at the time. Pure Mike. Diesel always keen to participate as well. Greeting trick-or-treaters while wearing a Hawaiian shirt or sports jersey. Those two. They loved having fun. Hopefully enjoying their existence immensely wherever they are. Perhaps even making themselves known during the festivities tonight.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Taking our time. Enjoying a magnificent fall drive to the cabin. Sunshine highlighting the vibrant colours along the way. Stopping for lunch in Hope rather than just driving through. Then on to Manning Park. Bundling up for a peaceful walk around one of the many lakes. Inhaling the crisp mountain air. Light dusting of snow underfoot. Spotting several chipmunks and birds going about their day. Hearing the powerful whoosh of a bald eagle's wings overhead. Stopping briefly at the memorial just because. Breathing through the emotions. Arriving at our destination shortly before dusk. Witnessing a family of deer grazing along the shore. All in all, a glorious day.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Planning a gathering. Here at home later this fall. Inviting Michael and Kelly's friends. The younger crowd. Inspired by the dream last week. The idea leaping in the morning after. So looking forward to it. Knowing how uplifting it will be. An opportunity for them to reconnect as a group. Spending time in each other's company. Sharing more memories and hugs. Staying in touch. Continuing to support one another. Just as it was shown in the dream.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Financial news making headlines daily. Drama and fear the dominant energies involved. Observing this with detachment. Understanding money is not real. Knowing from a young age that we exist without it. The notion of amassing large amounts lost on me. Wondering about its position at the top of the value list for so many. The pursuit and protection of it absorbing most of their time and energy. Resulting in an absence of loving and meaningful relationships. Contentment and happiness remaining elusive states. Curious choice indeed.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The power of words. Experiencing so many beautiful examples. Meeting up with a friend over coffee yesterday. Sharing connection and meaningful conversation. An uplifting visit. Soon after, reading a message filled with reassuring words from another. Such caring expressed therein. In the evening, taking in an author's talk at the library. Regaling the audience with her life stories. Resulting in an hour of continuous laughter. Later, receiving a call from a friend reading my daily post. Wondering how my day had been. Reaching out with compassion. This morning reading loving thoughts sent by another. Sharing her wisdom. Friends communicating their care and support. Offering comforting words. Coinciding with the good fortune of being entertained by a charming stranger. Words at times seeming quite inadequate. Yet so powerful when spoken from the heart. Expressing them and receiving them.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Yesterday morning. Blindsided by a heavy cloud of grief. Blew in without warning. Undeterred by the bright skies and sunshine outside. Stubbornly anchoring itself. For no particular reason. The date having no special significance. Not missing them more than on other days. It just happened. This process of grieving so unpredictable. Resulting in a 'holding my head above water' kind of day. Profound sadness penetrating my entire being. Weighing it down. Tears flowing. Breathing laboured. Despite meditation. Not eased by the self talk of how much worse it could be. Its firm grip remaining even after a long walk along the ocean. Not relieved by a conversation with a friend or phone call to a relative. Accepting this is what it looks like at times. Hopeful that today will be better. Confident of being able to weather it if not.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Inspiration. Wisdom from the universe. Divine communication. Messages from spirit guides. Gaining insight. Various terms describing essentially the same phenomenon. That of precious knowledge seeming to magically appear. Designed to assist with living ones best life. Delivered with loving guidance and support. Available for anyone to tap into. More easily and frequently accessed by people who are open. Those regularly taking time to still the mind. Quiet the chatter. Yoga. Meditation. Deep breathing. Out in nature. Away from the distractions. Opening the channels. In and of itself enriching. Enabling wonders to occur. Further exploration then possible. Clearly communicating a specific concern. With sincerity. Inviting more of the often subtle messages in. Paying attention in order to notice when they arrive. Acting on them if it feels appropriate. Always expressing gratitude for the guidance received. Most important. Increasing the possibilities of continued interaction.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Strolling along the seawall. Reflecting on all those who have given me much needed emotional support over these past few months. Then moving on to wondering about those who have been noticeably absent. Ones I imagined would be there but are not. Feeling perplexed and saddened. Contemplating this. Subsequently turning it around. Realizing that of course the same could be said of me. At times disappointing those looking for emotional support from me. Expecting something I was or am still unable or unwilling to give. Each one of us making daily choices based on who and where we are in life. Deciding where to direct our energies. Thankful for those who continue sharing theirs with me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Showing himself last night. For the first time, appearing to me in a dream. Wherein a dozen of his friends were gathering on the grass in front of our home. Male and female. Soon following me inside. Making their way into the living room. Joining hands to form a circle. Supporting each other. Me, proceeding into the kitchen alone. Seeing my son standing there. Wearing jeans and a long sleeved pale pink shirt. Looking just as he had before he passed. My mind instantly processing that his friends were unable to see him. Then picking up on his thoughts. Sensing the pride he was feeling for all of them helping each other through this ordeal. Such a powerful dream leaving me deeply moved. This morning, speaking to one of his sisters. She describing her evening at the townhouse last night. Baking banana bread while listening to songs that reminded her of Mike. Later, together with her husband in the living room, watching the slide show that had played at his service. Suddenly distracted by an intense white ball of light hovering in the kitchen. The size of a grapefruit. Seconds later, seeing it explode, filling the entire room with a brilliant flash of light. Then disappearing. Same evening. Same rooms involved. Two completely different events. Very likely related. Both of us feeling connected and thankful today.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Today being Tuesday, blue comes to mind. The colour that is. Days of the week evoking colour personalities since childhood. Wednesday dark brown. Thursday purple. Friday red. Saturday medium brown. Sunday white. Monday beige. When thinking about a particular day, the corresponding tint popping into my head. Later in life, complete experiences occurring entirely in just one colour. Recently discovering a name for all this. A form of synesthesia. Noting the absence of some of the more vibrant options. No pink, lime, orange, turquoise, or yellow days. Those daily colour associations not preventing the black and white thinking of my youth. Eventually however, experiencing an integration of sorts. Enjoying more colourful contemplation now.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Out for a run in the canyon. Taking moral inventory. Realizing there is still much work to do. Acknowledging a number of traits that could use improvement. Wanting to be kinder. More compassionate. Less judgemental. More charitable. Often falling short. Humbling to recognize. Walking this path of self improvement. Never ending. Always challenging. One step at a time.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Our birthday season begins. The ten of us born between mid October and the end of January. Starting with my husband's special day. Our family celebrating at the bowling lanes tonight. Something we have not done in years. Complete with food, cake, and singing 'Happy Birthday' off key. Looking forward to the pure and simple fun of playing together. Missing their presence but grateful that we continue creating joyful moments to share.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Meeting up in a church lounge. The Compassionate Friends. Each person there sharing a common experience. Mourning the death of a child. A close friend pointing out some time ago that I now belong to this "special club". Reading in the group's literature that "there is no charge to attend, we have already paid our dues". Appreciating the sentiment behind those words. After the meeting, imagining the possibly of a circle gathering elsewhere sharing the pain of desperately wanting to have children but unable to. Both grievous places to sit. Of the two, preferring the one I am sitting in.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Recalling a recent experience. One from a couple of weeks ago. Mentioning to my husband that I could really use a hug from my mom. Craving that kind of nurturing. Later that evening, practicing mediumship. Standing behind a blindfolded fellow participant while she tuned in. The two of us positioned in front of the sizable group. After accurately relating some characteristics of mine, she described a spirit which had come through for me. One who had left with things unsaid. In particular, how much she loved me. Upon sharing further details, it became obvious that this was my mother. Delivering her message of often being around me with love and coming specifically to give me a hug! Another truly amazing experience.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
My son is dead. Four short words. By far the most difficult ones ever expressed in all these fifty-four years. This phrase often jumping uninvited into my thoughts. Regardless of what may be going on at the time. Heart tightening immediately. Breathing more laboured. Tears forming. Understanding the truth of these words failing to prevent this visceral reaction. An aspect of my being still frequently shocked by them. Patience and compassion my allies in this.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The comfort of turkey soup. Made with love. Enjoying a bowl on this rainy day back home. Reflecting on the weekend. Missing his energy, wit and one liners. Fondly reflecting on his winning ways while playing various games. Cribbage, Skip-Bo, Game of Things, Bean Bag Toss, Yahtzee. All of us spending hours on these pastimes. Warmed by an ever burning fire and each other. Anecdotes of Michael weaving their way through our time together. Plenty of joy and laughter interspersed with pangs of sadness while continuing to adapt to this new scenario. A heartwarming time overall.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Seven months now. Some milestones passed. Others yet to come. The flow of each day still very much up and down, in and out. Going along for the ride to the best of my ability. So looking forward to this weekend away. A tradition started three years ago. Celebrating Thanksgiving Gambier Island style. Games to play, dogs to walk, and a bountiful turkey dinner to share. Above all, time simply spent in each other's company. So much to be thankful for.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Perfect location. Hanging there on the wall at the foot of the stairs. A photo of just the two of them. Taken at the cabin a couple of years ago. Both with their infectious smiles and piercing blue eyes. That moment in time captured for eternity. Connecting to this image when descending the staircase. Through my heart and my eyes. First thing in the morning. Many times during the course of the day. Often moved to blowing them a kiss. Always a love filled moment. And one of gratitude for having them in my life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Hanging on by a thread. An expression that kept drifting through my mind this past day and a half. Then, while walking in the drizzle along the trail with my young companion this morning, it hit me. The idea that smiling, even when one is not feeling particularly happy, can actually reset one's sense of well-being. So, I smiled. Really hard. That segued into asking spirit for help with feeling more content. Instantly noticing the space around my heart opening up. That flowed into creating a mental gratitude list. Focusing on all the fabulous aspects of my life rather than directing attention to that which is gone. As a result, experiencing an amazing shift in attitude. Feeling much lighter. Much better. All from the power of a smile.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
One foot in front of the other kind of morning. Focusing on mustering up some enthusiasm and energy. Taking slow deep breaths. Drawing on the universe's strength to propel me forward. Acknowledging this is how it is right now. Understanding this too shall pass.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Simple white wooden cross. Now situated on the roadside. A traditional symbol chosen to mark what transpired there thirty weeks ago today. Not required, but the two of us believing this was something we needed to do. Together planning, creating, and erecting it. A true labour of love. Built to last. The talk of such things only slightly easier to bear than the actual implementation. Both left feeling exhausted and proud. Yet another challenging task completed.