Did That Just Happen?

 

     In advance of my upcoming overseas trip, I downloaded an app onto my cellphone yesterday afternoon, in order to help me stay connected with family, without incurring any great costs. I had heard reference made to WhatsApp a couple of times, but knew nothing about it. Once downloaded, I noticed an updated list of my phone contacts, notifying me of those using this app. Scrolling down, I saw Michael Gibson listed there, with the notation, "Hey there! I am using WhatsApp". What?! Had he downloaded this app before he died? Was it even around five years ago? Impulsively, I went into the Chat function and typed,
 "Miss you 💗".
     Obviously, he would not actually answer his phone. My assumption was that the message would go out into the ether and that the intention behind it would be felt by my son. Seconds later, I heard an audio alert on my cell and read the reply, "Sorry, but who r u?" In that moment, I felt as if I was in a parallel universe. I walked into my living room and settled into the lounge chair located near the large, open, glass sliding door. It took me a few minutes to figure out that Michael's cell number must have been reassigned to someone else so I typed out a short reply apologizing for the mistaken identity.
     When I was done, I sat there looking out into the yard, contemplating what had just happened when I suddenly caught sight of a tiny feather drifting down, just outside the door opening. I jumped up, stepped outside, and started laughing as I watched it land on the path, right beside the glass door. "Are you kidding?" and "Did that just happen?" swirled around in my mind. This time around it was a light grey feather, instead of the usual white, and I am not yet sure if the colour is of great significance or not. One thing I do know for sure is how grateful I am to have access to the myriad ways of staying connected to family, regardless of where in the world we may be.  
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Pink Feather

   

     Last week, Kelly came to me in a short, but beautiful, vivid dream. With a carefree and happy demeanour, she playfully ran across a grass field, exuding love. It had been years since I dreamt of her - it felt wonderful to feel her presence again. 

     Today, midway through boot camp, our group headed outside for an activity on the back parking lot and while running over to the equipment, I noticed a small, neon pink feather lying on the pavement. I picked it up and looked around to see if there was an obvious source or if there were any others ... no and no. Then, my thoughts turned to Kelly. I could not help but think this feather was linked to the dream, since they were both filled with the same kind of love energy. That fun, free and easy kind of love. Smiling all the way into my heart, I turned the feather this way and that before tucking it into my pocket for safe keeping.  

     I am grateful for both these exquisite events, for heaven knows, one can never experience too much love!

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Rest in Peace

                       

     After eighty-five years on this earth, my father died March 5th, achieving a goal he had set for himself decades ago - "I'm going to live to be 85." An adventurer, life-long scholar, health conscious man with a can-do attitude, he lived a long, full life. Fortunately, he did not have to endure a prolonged period of suffering before he died.
     The last time I saw him, before visiting him in the hospice the day before he died, was at my son's funeral, five years ago. The difficult relationship between my father and I resulted in estrangement from one another for the past seven years. However, I am grateful for the many opportunities he offered me for personal growth - no regrets. And he excelled at being an Opa, throwing himself fully into that role with his five grandchildren. 
     Still enjoying downhill skiing a couple of months before he died, it was fitting that he was buried with his ski poles. May he rest in peace and fully experience love on the other side. I continue to send him mine.
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Still Trying to Finesse the Balancing Act

     Four and a half years ago today. While placing flowers at Boal Memorial this afternoon, the photo that resides there resonated even more deeply than usual. This picture of Michael and Kelly was taken five years ago, in early September 2010, at a lakeside cabin on the Sunshine Coast, during the rehearsal dinner for our oldest daughter's wedding. I love the energy these two exude in this scene, that of fully embracing life. During the past three days, however, this image unexpectedly evoked the opposite reaction within me, acting as a constant reminder of our loss, continually tugging at my heart, threatening to weigh me down. 
     My husband and I had been invited to spend the weekend at this cabin with the same daughter, her husband and two children - yes, we are that lucky. Eating dinner together on the deck, gazing up at the stars with my granddaughter snuggled in my lap, cuddling with my grandson by the fire - I am grateful for each of these beautiful moments, and many, many more. Yet, as always, the highs of being with my family coexist intimately with the lows of missing my son. Four and a half years in ... trying to finesse this balancing act has not become any easier. 
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Sign of the Season

While preparing for our annual tree-decorating event at Boal Memorial, I paused by the front window this morning and gazed out over the frost-covered lawn.  Dry days, with unusually cold temperatures, has resulted in thick frost, creating an illusion of snow.  I stood there, the intense duality within me threatening to overwhelm - so much to be grateful for existing alongside deep sadness due to loss.  While breathing slowly and deeply into the scene before me, I became aware of one tiny snowflake drifting down.  Any smaller, and it would have been invisible to the naked eye.  A few moments later, another one appeared, followed by a third some seconds after that.  This delicate show continued for a short time - the tiniest of snowflakes floating down one by one, all well spaced apart.  And then, the display was over.  The first snowflakes of the year.  So subtle.  Easily overlooked, without any accumulation. Their appearance, however, was not lost on me.  On this significant day, it was not feathers that made me smile, but rather, a beautiful sign of the season. 

Powerful Antidote

Another rewarding evening spent at the International Spiritualist Alliance.  Only a small number of us showed up for the open circle session to practice our connection with spirit.  This resulted in a great deal of hands-on experience for all.  It began with a guided meditation to help ground and prepare us.  This was followed by energy work in the form of expanding auras, sensing spirit, and giving psychometry readings.  We closed with a lengthy healing meditation sending energy to those within the room, as well as to people in our greater community who could also benefit.  The evening served as a powerful antidote to the challenging energy I had encountered earlier in the day.  How grateful am I?  Very.  

All Will be Revealed

I am grateful for the gift of consecutive sunny days, warmer temperatures, and the new growth bursting forth around me.  It is magical to be experiencing spring within a garden entirely new to me, one that has been lovingly tended to over the years.  As the fresh green shoots from various bulbs emerge here and there, I consider what kinds of flowers might appear.  When I walk by the tightly closed rhododendron buds, I speculate on the colour that will eventually be revealed.  As I lean in to take a closer look at the dark pink blossoms showing up on some of the bushes, I wonder what they are called.  And then, within minutes of sitting down to write this post, a hummingbird arrived to nourish itself at the feeder we brought with us - the first one I have seen here since we moved in, adding an exclamation mark to all of this magnificence.  Exquisite timing.

Holding the Pieces Together

Over the past few weeks, as I occasionally considered the approaching second anniversary of Michael's death, I noticed that my feelings of dread were not as overwhelming as they were last year, and for that I was grateful.  Then suddenly, this morning, I hit the emotional wall.  I had set aside time to unpack a few more boxes and clean the house in preparation for our family dinner tomorrow.  I was missing him terribly, so during the housework, I decided to blast the music that had played at his service.  I had not heard this CD for the better part of a year.  A few songs in, over the noisy vacuum cleaner, I was startled by a shattering noise.  When I looked over to where the sound had come from, I saw one of the glass candle holders from the top shelf lying broken on the floor, reduced to shattered fragments.  It had been one of a matching pair given to me a few months after the tragedy - one honouring Michael and the other for Kelly.  I picked up the remains of the base, and even before I turned it over to check the initial on the bottom, I knew it would be an M.  That is when the floodgates opened. When I tried to make sense of what had happened, I realized that the music speaker was on a lower shelf and the vibration must have shaken the one candle holder off.  Was it an accident or something more?  It was definitely a reflection of the shattered feelings I was experiencing. Tomorrow I plan on going to yoga, then babysitting my granddaughter, followed by spending time with my family.  This will all contribute in helping to hold my pieces together.

Friend to Friend

Other than going out for an invigorating run through the canyon this morning, I spent most of the day working on my book, a rewarding, yet emotionally challenging project.  Again today, I thought about how grateful I am that my best friend is dedicating hours upon hours of her free time to edit this book.  Even though there is still much to do before it gets published, thanks to her, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  Then late this afternoon, I received a surprise message from a young woman I have never met.  This friend of Kelly's, now living in the Okanagan, had communicated with me only once before, via Facebook last year.  She was now contacting me to share her delight in recently finding out that one of her new co-workers happened to be a good friend of Mike's.  These two discovered their astonishing connection after the young man explained where he lived - across the street from our family's cabin.  My heart soared as I read about this crazy, wonderful association, and I can well imagine the comfort and stories they will share.  Support can come from those we have known for years, as well as from those we hardly know, and all of it is greatly appreciated.   

Spirited Balloon

On this gorgeous sunny morning, picturing a fully inflated, brightly coloured, helium balloon.  Imagining myself tying a message to its string before releasing it into the sky.  Limiting it to just one sentence. Taking a few moments to consider what that might be.  The perfect words showing up soon after.  "I am grateful for the set of attributes that I have come into this life with, and for all the experiences I have had to date, which together enable me to continue gaining wisdom and achieving growth in this lifetime."  Feeling confident in this spirited balloon's ability to carry my weighted words despite its seemingly delicate appearance. 

Gift of Wellness

Ensconced in a traditional Swiss house in the charming village of Klosters, high up in the alps.  An ongoing symphony of cow bells playing in the background.  Awakening to children from an adjoining apartment singing their scales.  Good friends generously offering us this opportunity to enjoy a few weeks of wellness.  Expansive meadows, cool mountain streams, colourful wild flowers, and stunning views right outside the door.  The slow pace here holding space to just be.  Grateful to be able to enjoy such a glorious gift.              

Comforting Communication

Enjoying a glass of wine in these waning moments of this summer solstice evening.  Alone with lights dimmed.  Cherishing the warm glow of a beautifully decorated candle.  One covered in a delicate swirling pattern of sage and coral.  Sitting here reflecting on the moving events at the ISA tonight.  Receiving a message from my son.  Him describing a forest scene with sun shining through the trees.  Exactly where I had been running this morning.  Making reference to our communication there.  Something we always engage in.  Expressing his joy in being able to stay connected.  Passing on encouragement.   Knowing I need it.  My mother coming through as well.  Later, taking my turn up on the platform.  Practising mediumship.  Bringing a message through for someone else in the audience.  Thankful to be learning to serve in this way.  Then upon leaving, speaking to a woman whom I had never met.  Learning she is also living with the experience of losing a child.  Finding great comfort in our conversation.  Both of us wondering aloud what this journey would look like without the spiritual awareness.  Agreeing it would likely be very grim indeed.  Instead, so grateful to know what we know.

Bird on a Wire

As the saying goes, it is often the little things.  Walking along the mountainside power line trail.  Tail wagging Gulliver eagerly accompanying me.  Light rain with cool temperatures.  Definitely not uplifting weather.  With each step, carrying the emotional weight of preparing for the upcoming golf tournament.  Appreciating how wonderful it will be to all spend time together.  Simultaneously acknowledging the complex feelings it brings to the fore.  Midway along the journey, slowing down to send a message to the universe. Gazing skyward while humbly requesting dry weather for the weekend. Seconds later noticing a tiny bird perched high above.  On one of the electrical wires.  Suspended more than fifteen metres above the earth. Recognizing it to be an exquisite hummingbird.  Fluffing its feathers. Putting on quite a show.  Instantly sensing a shift in my disposition. Welcoming this reoccurring symbol of connection.  So grateful to be noticing it.  Very much appreciating its presence.  This small being making a huge impact.  With a lighter heart and bounce in my step, sending a smile of thanks for this magnificent moment.

Heartfelt Visit

Spending an engaging evening over wine and appies with one of my daughters here last night.  Along with two acquaintances adjusting to a very recent loss.  This mother and daughter now a family of two.  The four of us taking turns filling each other in.  Sharing anecdotes about the ups and downs of life.  Some much appreciated laughter too. Touching upon the gifts available to us after experiencing a profound loss.  Greater compassion for others.  Increased confidence and freedom to make fitting choices for oneself.  Deeper appreciation for the right here, right now.  A heartfelt visit leaving me feeling connected, uplifted, and grateful.

Inspired Writing

Writing these daily entries for exactly one year now.  Accepting the challenge my Oma's spirit lovingly presented.  Never imagining how meaningful this endeavour would become.  Certainly not creating this all on my own.  Continuing to receive inspiration from the unseen. Enabling me to receive support and encouragement from caring individuals in over seventy countries.  Grateful to each and every one. 

Table For Fifteen

Preparing for tomorrow night's dinner.  Setting the table for fifteen. Celebrating Christmas Eve here, German style.  As we have for the past nine years.  Carrying on the tradition my parents passed on.  My great-niece making her initial appearance at this particular event.  A few days shy of her first birthday.  Bringing her sweet energy to this family gathering.  Myself, unsure of what to expect this first Christmas without my son.  Obviously an emotional time.  Not lamenting over it.  Just going with it.  Knowing each person here will be missing him too. Directing my attention to what is present.  Simultaneously acknowledging what is missed.  Therein lies the balancing act.  Not tempted to wish this celebration away.  Never.  So much to be grateful for.  The individual aspects of this tradition continually changing as they must.  However, the integrity of the whole remaining supportive, reassuring, and intact.

Mother Nature's Gift

Grateful for the amazing winter weather so far.  Predominantly cool, dry days.  Bright skies.  Contrasting the more common scenario.  That of endless weeks of rain and gloom.  Makes a difference.  A big one. Thanking Mother Nature for her perfect timing.  Giving this gift, this particular year.  Very much appreciated. 

Warmed Through and Through

Time out.  Spending two nights with a friend at her ocean side cottage. No plans.  This day leisurely unfolding before me.   A blustery winter storm playing out on the other side of the huge picture window.  Logs crashing.  Gulls soaring.  Cedars dancing.  So cosy inside.  Warmed by a wood burning fireplace.  Meditating on the wind and waves. Relaxation and peacefulness infusing the space.  Truly grateful for this friendship.  Relishing in the luxury of such a generous opportunity.         

Birthday Season Begins

Our birthday season begins.  The ten of us born between mid October and the end of January.  Starting with my husband's special day.  Our family celebrating at the bowling lanes tonight.  Something we have not done in years.  Complete with food, cake, and singing 'Happy Birthday' off key.  Looking forward to the pure and simple fun of playing together. Missing their presence but grateful that we continue creating joyful moments to share.

Powerful Petals

That lanky rosebush out front hard at work once more.  Had been flowerless for quite some time.  Began blooming again this week.  Four huge pink blossoms in all their glory.  Pausing to breathe in their rich fragrance while passing by.  Feeling uplifted and grateful within mere seconds.  What power those delicate petals possess.  Positioned in the centre of this townhouse complex.  Accessible to anyone wishing to stop and share in their splendour.  Wondering how many do.