Still Trying to Finesse the Balancing Act

     Four and a half years ago today. While placing flowers at Boal Memorial this afternoon, the photo that resides there resonated even more deeply than usual. This picture of Michael and Kelly was taken five years ago, in early September 2010, at a lakeside cabin on the Sunshine Coast, during the rehearsal dinner for our oldest daughter's wedding. I love the energy these two exude in this scene, that of fully embracing life. During the past three days, however, this image unexpectedly evoked the opposite reaction within me, acting as a constant reminder of our loss, continually tugging at my heart, threatening to weigh me down. 
     My husband and I had been invited to spend the weekend at this cabin with the same daughter, her husband and two children - yes, we are that lucky. Eating dinner together on the deck, gazing up at the stars with my granddaughter snuggled in my lap, cuddling with my grandson by the fire - I am grateful for each of these beautiful moments, and many, many more. Yet, as always, the highs of being with my family coexist intimately with the lows of missing my son. Four and a half years in ... trying to finesse this balancing act has not become any easier. 
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Not Only Lucky in Love

Not only am I lucky in love, but within the past 24 hours, I received notification from three different contests that my name had been drawn. It turns out that I have have won a case of my favourite crackers, a new book from Goodreads, and two tickets to the upcoming Home and Garden show.  I am always so grateful for these perks, large or small, benefiting my body, mind and spirit.

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You're Lucky You Don't Have a Son

I love family celebrations and fortunately there have been many, of late. Three birthday parties (including a milestone one for my 90-year-old father-in-law), as well as meals shared over Easter weekend. And coming up, a get-together for Mother's Day. After any family event, I always experience the inevitable emotional letdown of missing my son more acutely, but thankfully, the intensity of this feeling usually dissipates by morning.

Today, however, there are still lingering effects from a celebration that took place over a week ago, due to a comment an extended family member directed at my husband that evening. The words continue to reverberate in my mind, triggering this ache in my heart: "You're lucky you don't have a son." This, from someone who had known Michael. Obviously, it was an off-the-cuff comment; this person certainly did not intend to cause any pain. Still, it is difficult to understand how he could forget that we had had a son. Maybe it occurred to him later, maybe not. Upon reflection, there is the off chance that he hadn't forgotten, but neglected to consider the consequences his words might have. The impact this comment had on my husband and me was twofold: one, the shock upon hearing the words themselves, then the resulting pain, and two, recognizing the stark contrast between these two realities. My husband and I live with this profound loss every single day and yet, for this person, it appears that our son has slipped completely off the radar. And so, it goes. The learning continues.

Lavished with Abundance

The flood gates have opened - it's clearly a time of abundance in my life. Within the last few days, so many gifts have arrived from people near and far. Receiving word that I have been nominated for a Women of Worth award. Then, a phone call with an unexpected offer of ad space to market my book. The next day, an email informing me that I had won a book, then a friend's last minute invitation to attend a play as her guest. All of this in addition to my husband booking us an impromptu three day getaway for later week. There are times when abundance can be challenging to recognize, but when lavished upon me en masse this way, it certainly makes an impression.  Lucky me.

Lucky in Love

The web of interconnection between the visible and invisible continues to amaze me.  Those magical links between thought, spirit, and manifestation.  Thankfully, I do not need to understand the mysterious ways of the universe in order to appreciate them.  Between storms yesterday, my husband and I headed over to the Stanley Park seawall. The winds had died down and the rains were taking a short break, so we embarked on that 9 km walk.  Around the midway mark, the memory of the precious image we had seen exactly two years ago, while walking another seawall in the city, flashed through my mind. On that particular winter's day, we had noticed large stones displaying K ♡ M on the beach.  Now, I imagined how magnificent it would be to see another powerful sign such as that.  Well, I did not have to wait long at all.  Within ten minutes of having that thought, I looked down onto the sand below to see a hefty ship's rope spelling out the word love in cursive script.  The letters measured a metre high.  I stopped in my tracks, nudged my husband to take a look, then filled him in on what had crossed my mind minutes earlier.  On its own, that image would have been heartwarming enough.  Making the connection to the thought I had had ramped it up to the extraordinary.  I must be one of the luckiest people alive.     

Invaluable Pennies

Delightfully witnessing Michael, Kelly and Diesel's spirits coming through again last Wednesday evening.  With encouraging and uplifting messages as always.  The mention of feathers, new endeavours, and loving support very much appreciated.  One detail not initially resonating was the medium's mention of Mike showing her pennies. Then going on to say it seemed that I had been recently finding pennies in the oddest places, and picking them up.  After the session, mentioning to her that it was not something I had been experiencing, but that there was a connection.  Sharing with her what had transpired within a short time of the accident last year.  Early that fateful Monday morning, a close family member getting out of bed.  Stepping into the hall and hearing the unexpected sound of coins falling in the den. Walking over to investigate and discovering pennies spinning on the floor.  Quite unsure of what to make of it.  Particularly since his wife, the only other person in the house, was not yet awake.  Making a connection after hearing the news.  This past Thursday morning, this same relative unexpectedly stopping by my home.  Something he had never done before.  Conversation eventually turning to the happenings of the previous evening.  Describing the session to him, along with the confusing message regarding pennies.  Seeing the look of surprise on his face.  Listening to his words tumbling out.  Sharing that for the past few weeks he had suddenly started finding pennies in unexpected locations.  Thinking of them as his lucky pennies, and therefore taking the time to pick them up.  Good luck in his life being a little scarce of late.  A few hours after saying our goodbyes, finding himself out at the driving range with one of Mike's best friends.  Practising their golf swings for the upcoming tournament.  Calling me to say that it had just happened again.  While walking over to consult the swing guide, spotting a penny lying there on the windowsill.  All of this leaving me filled with such gratitude.  For receiving the message in the first place, and then being able to pass it on.  Resulting in reassurance to someone he loved.  Reminding me that messages from spirit may not always be fully understood in the moment.  Trusting that they reveal themselves in time.  All unfolding as it should. 

Footnote:  That same Thursday afternoon, the 2012 Federal Budget announcing the elimination of our penny beginning later this year. Front page headline in Friday's local paper reading "Pinching Pennies."