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Four and a half years ago today. While placing flowers at Boal Memorial this afternoon, the photo that resides there resonated even more deeply than usual. This picture of Michael and Kelly was taken five years ago, in early September 2010, at a lakeside cabin on the Sunshine Coast, during the rehearsal dinner for our oldest daughter's wedding. I love the energy these two exude in this scene, that of fully embracing life. During the past three days, however, this image unexpectedly evoked the opposite reaction within me, acting as a constant reminder of our loss, continually tugging at my heart, threatening to weigh me down.
My husband and I had been invited to spend the weekend at this cabin with the same daughter, her husband and two children - yes, we are that lucky. Eating dinner together on the deck, gazing up at the stars with my granddaughter snuggled in my lap, cuddling with my grandson by the fire - I am grateful for each of these beautiful moments, and many, many more. Yet, as always, the highs of being with my family coexist intimately with the lows of missing my son. Four and a half years in ... trying to finesse this balancing act has not become any easier.
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Experiencing another week on the roller-coaster of intense highs and lows. Continuing to work with the graphic designer, readying my book for print - necessitating combing through each page repeatedly, resulting in understandably heightened emotions. Marking another Mother's Day - visiting with my daughters and extended family, four generations of mothers and their children gathered together. Organizing the upcoming memorial golf tournament, resulting in daily opportunities to reconnect with community and friends. At times, I feel weighed down by the more difficult aspects of these endeavours. Then, as I began writing this post, out in the sunshine this afternoon, I recognized that woven under, over and around all the challenges are the nourishing elements of support, love, and gratitude. All those involved are mutually giving and receiving these life-sustaining energies. Support. Love. Gratitude. All opening the door to let the light shine in.
A morning filled with intense emotions. The highs and lows of motherhood swirling within. Today marking thirty years of being a mother. Reflecting on how astonishing it feels to have a daughter this old. Appreciating the good fortune of being able to share my life with her. Valuing our loving relationship. So proud of the woman she is. Simultaneously, recognizing it was Monday morning eight months ago today when my son left this world. The feelings of grief understandably heightened. Powerful emotions stemming from these two extreme experiences. Coexisting. Realizing love is at the core of it all.
