Walk With Me

     Easter Sunday's forecast called for sunshine, so my husband and I took the short ferry ride over to Bowen Island for lunch and an easy hike around the lake. We had already celebrated early Easter with a family brunch on Good Friday, so our day was wide open.
     The last time we had visited Bowen together was in the spring of 2010, during our son's six week stay at The Orchard Recovery Centre. For six consecutive Saturdays, my husband and I travelled there to learn more about addiction and begin rebuilding relationships. After one of those sessions, the three of us had used our free time to walk around this very lake together. It was a memorable afternoon because, for the first time in a long time, we were speaking to each other from the heart, which stirred up many intense emotions, negative and positive. That year, Easter weekend fell during Michael's six week stay there, so this was an added layer my husband and I were now experiencing.
     All the emotions and memories now being triggered was not something I had foreseen at all. Thankfully, a mantra soon appeared - Walk with me. During each long in-breath, I silently expressed those words, and with each long out-breath, I slowly released the air in my lungs. I repeated this cycle as needed over the course of the hike, visualizing Michael's spirit walking with us now.
     Later that day, while approaching the dock for the return ferry, I looked up to see a lone, majestic eagle fly in, very low, directly overhead. I overheard the young, native woman walking behind me tell her friend, "In my culture this is a powerful spiritual symbol. My grandmother will be so happy when I tell her about this." For me, this eagle's appearance was an incredible sign of support. This trip certainly became much more than I had anticipated ... it turned out to be the perfect way to connect with our son on this Easter Sunday.
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Shifting Moments

How quickly it still shifts from moment to moment.  Awaking Friday morning to a magnificent sunrise.  Contrasting greatly with the storm of the previous day.  Strolling in the sunshine along the rocky seashore. Chatting and laughing with a friend and her dog.  Grateful for the change of scenery and distractions.  Upon returning to the cottage, checking my computer.  Noticing a posting made minutes earlier.  A photo of Michael.  Standing beside the ocean, arms stretched out wide. Taken days before he died.  One I have seen before.  Now catching me completely off guard.   This scene a perfect match to the one I had just been experiencing.  A second uploaded image showing a necklace his aunt had created  for herself in his memory.   Incorporating a heart and a star.  This, my first glimpse of it.  Both pictures instantly transporting me from a sense of peace and lightness to one of heart piercing sadness. Tears falling.  Breathing through it.  Then moving on with the day. Enjoying an afternoon with more laughter and conversation.  A short drive and ferry ride later, arriving home with a sense of contentment. Noticing the stack of unopened mail.  Tearing open a large envelope addressed to me.  Reading the enclosed letter from one of Michael's and Kelly's high school teachers.  One who is also living in this community. Sharing her condolences, as well as some memories.  Resulting in further emotions to process.  More tears.  In both cases, greatly appreciating that others continue to think about him.  Making the effort to share that.   As difficult as it is being in the feelings these pictures and words evoke, I am thankful for the communication.  Helping me feel connected and supported.  This ongoing roller-coaster ride.

Eight Months and Thirty Years

A morning filled with intense emotions.  The highs and lows of motherhood swirling within.  Today marking thirty years of being a mother.  Reflecting on how astonishing it feels to have a daughter this old.  Appreciating the good fortune of being able to share my life with her.  Valuing our loving relationship.  So proud of the woman she is. Simultaneously, recognizing it was Monday morning eight months ago today when my son left this world.  The feelings of grief understandably heightened.  Powerful emotions stemming from these two extreme experiences.  Coexisting.  Realizing love is at the core of it all.

Glorious Day

Taking our time.  Enjoying a magnificent fall drive to the cabin. Sunshine highlighting the vibrant colours along the way.  Stopping for lunch in Hope rather than just driving through.  Then on to Manning Park.  Bundling up for a peaceful walk around one of the many lakes.   Inhaling the crisp mountain air.  Light dusting of snow underfoot. Spotting several chipmunks and birds going about their day.  Hearing the powerful whoosh of a bald eagle's wings overhead.  Stopping briefly at the memorial just because.  Breathing through the emotions. Arriving at our destination shortly before dusk.  Witnessing a family of deer grazing along the shore.  All in all, a glorious day.

Willow Energy

The majestic weeping willow stands at the shore.  Matriarch of the ground upon which the cabin was built.  A younger one nearby, planted in honour of my mother's passing.  Powerful symbols of psychic and intuitive energies.  Embodying properties the ancients attributed to them.  Powers of wisdom, intuition, dreams, emotions and rebirth. When first stepping onto this land in the spring of 2000, the dynamic energy was instantly recognizable.  A year later, intuition prompting me to explore connections to this property using my pendulum.  Probing past life associations family members may have had to this area.  Shown that Michael and I were the only ones.  He my daughter, I his father.  This willow connection running deep.  My paternal grandmother born in the German town of Wiedenbrück, or Willow Bridge.  Willow energy.  Profoundly embedded in me.

Sea of Emotions

Finding every day to be a very bumpy ride indeed.  Travelling in this sea of emotions.  Sadness, contentment, disappointment, joy, grief, love, loneliness, and gratitude.  Often shifting from one to another in mere seconds.  Some days filled with more of the uplifting feelings.  Others weighted in favour of those that can be difficult to endure.  When experiencing prolonged periods of the challenging emotions,  I think back to a recommendation heard regarding cravings at an addictions education seminar last year.  To notice the urge, acknowledge it, observe it, and remember that it will pass.  Works with uncomfortable feelings too.  A healthy prescription for helping to stay the course.