First Birthday

Dearest Granddaughter,
Later today we will be celebrating your first birthday, which falls tomorrow.  I have baked you a carrot cake; I cannot remember the last time I made one.  What I do know is that it was an obvious choice given that I had baked this same kind for your mother on her first birthday too.
What you have shown me about yourself thus far:
You give freely of your kisses - to stuffed animals, pictures in books, friends and family.
Your entertaining facial expressions are an ongoing source of joy and laughter.
You enjoy eating, moving your body to music, and reading "Pat the Bunny".
You are not keen on cats nor the feel of grass under your feet.
You are confident and curious, partnered with a healthy dose of cautiousness.
You have a wonderful sense of humour.
You are beautiful.

As you grow older, there may be times when you forget how fabulous you are.  I hope not.  However, if you do, you can read this birthday letter to help remind you of your inherent beauty and worth.  During this first year you have brought a great gift to our entire family, just by being you.

Thank you for being born.

Love and kisses,
Oma

Reconnecting

Attending a funeral at Boal Memorial last Tuesday.  For the mother of one of Mike and Kelly's good friends.  First time back in that chapel since Michael's service.  So many familiar faces.  Seeing Kelly's family, along with numerous young men and women experiencing that great loss last year.  Personally finding great comfort in reconnecting with them all.  Despite the sad circumstances.  Then later, flowers in hand, walking up the pathway into the forest alone.  Towards the two plaques positioned side by side on the wall.  Surprised and thoroughly heartened by the sight of so many of Kelly and Mike's friends already there. Followed by many more joining in.  Recounting stories.  Some tears. And laughter.  Punctuated by quiet reflection.  All acutely feeling loss. Then one young woman reaching down to the ground.  Picking up a penny lying beside a pot of flowers.  Directly in front of the plaques. Holding up the coin to show me.  The two of us shaking our heads in amazement.  Sharing a smile.  Recognizing and appreciating the ongoing marvels.

Heartfelt Visit

Spending an engaging evening over wine and appies with one of my daughters here last night.  Along with two acquaintances adjusting to a very recent loss.  This mother and daughter now a family of two.  The four of us taking turns filling each other in.  Sharing anecdotes about the ups and downs of life.  Some much appreciated laughter too. Touching upon the gifts available to us after experiencing a profound loss.  Greater compassion for others.  Increased confidence and freedom to make fitting choices for oneself.  Deeper appreciation for the right here, right now.  A heartfelt visit leaving me feeling connected, uplifted, and grateful.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

My husband so often reminds me of my son.  With his body language, comments he delivers, and some of the choices he makes.  Both smart, funny and capable guys.  Two tall, blue-eyed, handsome men. Yesterday, over a leisurely breakfast outdoors.  Commenting aloud to my husband about him balancing precariously on his chair.  With that grin on his face and gleam in his eyes, throwing out the cheeky comeback of, "What could possibly go wrong?".  Indeed.  Words that could easily have been spoken by my son.  Reflecting that happy-go-lucky attitude. Providing us with another opportunity for full blown laughter.  To the point of tears.  Words to hold on to for subsequent smiles. 

A Good Laugh

Ordering tickets by phone for an upcoming jazz performance. Supplying the receptionist with my credit card number.  She requesting the expiry date.  Reading out 12/12 to her, then immediately bursting into laughter.  Explaining my behaviour to this bewildered woman.  Noting my card will expire in December 2012.  Coinciding perfectly with the "end of the world".  Talk about synchronicity.  Not in agreement with that pessimistic prediction, but definitely appreciating the good laugh it prompted! 

We Did It

Outside of the funerals, personally finding these last two days the most difficult this year.  Feeling fragile all weekend.  Walking that thin line between holding it together and falling apart.  Phone calls, emails, and time spent with loving family bringing much appreciated support. Combined with deep breathing, some laughter, meditation, and numerous heartfelt hugs.  Taking time to send love to others experiencing a difficult time as well.  Collectively contributing to a Christmas that was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Myself, my husband, our daughters, and son-in-laws proudly embracing the expression, "We did it."

Spoken from the Heart

The power of words.  Experiencing so many beautiful examples. Meeting up with a friend over coffee yesterday.  Sharing connection and meaningful conversation.  An uplifting visit.  Soon after, reading a message filled with reassuring words from another.  Such caring expressed therein.  In the evening, taking in an author's talk at the library.  Regaling the audience with her life stories.  Resulting in an hour of continuous laughter.  Later, receiving a call from a friend reading my daily post.  Wondering how my day had been.  Reaching out with compassion.  This morning reading loving thoughts sent by another.  Sharing her wisdom.  Friends communicating their care and support.  Offering comforting words.  Coinciding with the good fortune of being entertained by a charming stranger.  Words at times seeming quite inadequate.  Yet so powerful when spoken from the heart. Expressing them and receiving them.  

Heartwarming Time Together

The comfort of turkey soup.  Made with love.  Enjoying a bowl on this rainy day back home.  Reflecting on the weekend.  Missing his energy, wit and one liners.  Fondly reflecting on his winning ways while playing various games.  Cribbage, Skip-Bo, Game of Things, Bean Bag Toss, Yahtzee.  All of us spending hours on these pastimes.  Warmed by an ever burning fire and each other.  Anecdotes of Michael weaving their way through our time together.  Plenty of joy and laughter interspersed with pangs of sadness while continuing to adapt to this new scenario.   A heartwarming time overall.

One Full, One Still Empty

With the installation of his ashes and plaque complete, it was time to visit.  Last week, my husband and I together.  Unsure of what to expect.  Another 'first' in a line of many.  Pleasantly surprised.  Emotional of course, but not undone.  Standing there with the knowledge that these were only the fragments of his earthly remains.  That his spirit would always be connected to mine.  Feeling the love behind the eight words we had chosen to capture what we hoped he would be remembered for.  Your smile, laughter and caring heart touched many.  Then yesterday, ventured over again, alone.  Gazed at the round space in the wall, directly beside his.  The one meant for Kelly.  Still empty, unmarked.  Disappointment and anxiety creeping in, wondering if the plan will still go ahead.  That their remains be laid to rest side by side.  Understanding that in the big picture, it will not be end of the world if it does not come to pass.  To help comfort my heart however, very much hoping it will.

( Update: I received confirmation later this afternoon that arrangements had already been made.  So very, very grateful for that.)

Really?

I recently had a heartfelt conversation with someone very close to Kelly.  He spoke about the bewilderment he often feels when reflecting upon the fact that she is gone.  I understand.  He commented that occasionally he will look over at his roommate, tilt his head and exclaim, "Really?".  One little word representing the mind-boggling thought - Did all that craziness actually happen?  Then laughter.  Again, I understand.  Head tilt.  Really?  Laughter.  A confused kind of laughter.  Releasing stress.  Helping the body cope while the brain keeps trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.  

Michael Shares

Last night, I attended another powerful evening of mediumship at the ISA.  A good friend arrived as well and was able to share this experience with me.  About an hour in, the medium asked if she could come to me.  She mentioned that before the session started, she had overheard me saying that our family had hosted a memorial golf tournament for my son.  She then stated that he had been there with us and proceeded to share what was coming through from him. The following is what she said recorded as accurately as possible, without having taped the session.  My own observations, which I noted to myself while she was speaking, are in brackets:
He had a great sense of humour and things would come out of his mouth that made people laugh, not at him, but with him.  There was so much laughter at the celebration with some people laughing so hard that they were falling down! (absolutely)  During the golf game, many balls were lost including coloured ones, even a green one.  People did not even bother looking for them.  Apparently one ended up in a tree and you will find it some day without purposefully have to go looking for it.  There were many wild shots played out there. (Personally I lost 4 pink balls and did not spend much time looking for any of them) He was amazed by all the food we had and would have loved to have had some.  He loved to eat.  He could not believe how many people were there and was impressed that there was room for them all. (66 ) He wondered if the floor would collapse under the weight of so many people. (Bob actually reinforced the deck earlier this spring for just that reason) He was proud of the family for helping others with what has happened.  He had wanted to help others as well and was beginning to do that in his life.  He is happy that you honoured him in this way.  This tournament was the kind of thing he would have loved and enjoyed. ( I had this conversation with many people during the weekend)  By doing this you were creating memories and he had talked about making memories when he was alive. ( Bob and I specifically talked about this Sunday morning while we watched Michael's friends out on the dock rehashing the previous day) He is around you often, hears you talking to him, and knows that you hear him too. When he passed he immediately knew it was the right time to go. ( I knew that the moment I heard the news) The phrase "bass ackwards" came through.  ( I often use this play on "ass backwards" to describe crazy actions)  He knows that you are grieving, but that you are not stuck.  Once you got over the initial realization of what had happened you were able to start moving forward.  (Absolutely correct)
As my friend later commented, his words came through with playful, happy energy, infused with his sense of humour. I left feeling nurtured and uplifted. Connected and grateful. An experience chosen by few, available to all.