Emotional Tasks

Tasks relating to Michael's life continuing to weave their way through mine.  More than a year after his passing.  Finding a new home for his prized mountain bike.  Check.  Collecting and submitting his final income tax return.  Check.  As a group, completing the puzzle he and Kelly had begun.  Check.  None of these undertakings particularly daunting, yet a significant emotional charge accompanying each one. Processing them on a visceral level.  Calling for another expenditure of emotional energy.  The reserves of which still running low.  And so it goes.

Conflicted

Collecting ideas about how to best mark the one year anniversary next week.  The obvious visit to Boal Memorial.  Then gathering here at home with his sisters and brothers-in-law for mutual emotional support.  Relighting the gold candles used at his service.  Watching family videos.  Perhaps working on that unfinished puzzle Michael and Kelly had started, still lingering under the chair.  For dinner, ordering Chinese or preparing chicken fajitas.  The latter option reflecting the meal they created for us the day before leaving for their last cabin weekend.  Later, possibly playing a game together.   All simple but meaningful activities.  Connecting us to memories and the energy of our son and brother.  However, behind all this planning, certainly feeling conflicted.  On the one hand, focusing on honouring how much he meant to us and how deeply he is missed.  On the other, desperately wishing he were physically here instead. 

An Emotional Puzzle

Peeking out from under the huge armchair in the den.  The front edge of a large framed canvas.  Supporting hundreds of puzzle pieces.  Half of them connected to each other.   The remainder still waiting to be directed to their rightful places.  A pastime Michael engaged in last winter while convalescing after another shoulder surgery.  Kelly working on this with him.  Keeping him company.  Finding it curious that this incomplete project remains there.  Right where they left it.  For someone who thrives in a neat and orderly environment as I do, this seems to be an odd choice.  Usually storing or disposing of unused items with efficiency.  Packing up and donating his clothes.  Cleaning out his room.  All dealt with in a timely fashion.  Today however, still unwilling to return those pieces to their box.  Obviously representing something more.  Perhaps reminding me of the simple activities they enjoyed together.  Clearly understanding it cannot reside there forever. Possibly completing this project together after a family dinner one day. Not wishing to tackle this alone.  Not yet.