I Still Call Bullshit

This morning, while placing flowers at the memorial plaque engraved with my son's birth and death dates, the voice in my head is still calling bullshit.  On a soul level, I understand Michael's passing, however, as his mother, I doubt if it will ever make sense.  The accident happened two and a half years ago today.  It might as well be two and a half months ago, since time has done little, if anything, to alter my day-to-day reality with respect to this intense loss.  How could it?  He is gone. He will never again give me a hug, never again call me on the phone, never again sit down to a family meal.  Regardless of what is happening in my day, experiencing joy or sadness or anything in-between, this companion called grief is with me, always.  I would not have anticipated this is how it would be, but as with any profound life experience, you don't know until you are in it.

Emotional Tasks

Tasks relating to Michael's life continuing to weave their way through mine.  More than a year after his passing.  Finding a new home for his prized mountain bike.  Check.  Collecting and submitting his final income tax return.  Check.  As a group, completing the puzzle he and Kelly had begun.  Check.  None of these undertakings particularly daunting, yet a significant emotional charge accompanying each one. Processing them on a visceral level.  Calling for another expenditure of emotional energy.  The reserves of which still running low.  And so it goes.

Love From My Son

Reflecting on something wonderful that happened in the early morning on the recent anniversary of Michael's passing.  Lying awake in bed, well before six.  Trying to decide whether or not to get up. Thinking about how early it was and how nice it would be to fall back to sleep after such a restless night.  Moments later seeing Michael's head appear directly beside mine.  Almost touching, cheek to cheek.  Hearing him whisper, "I love you Mom," directly into my ear.  Twice.  Feeling the love behind the words flood through my entire body.  Reminding me of that deep connection we continue to share.  The next conscious thought as I continued to lie awake was, " What would Mikey do?"  The answer came swiftly and clearly.  He would roll over and go right back to sleep!  Which I promptly did for two more hours.  Another amazing gift from spirit.

Embodiment of Love

Dearest Kelly, you were the living embodiment of love.  Reflected in your warm smile and expressive eyes.  Readily felt by anyone in your presence.  Today marks the passing of an entire year without you.  Such a beautiful person greatly missed by so very many.  Friends and family trying to adjust to living with the void left behind.  Necessitating the creation of a revised connection to you.  Seeking comfort in the numerous memories alive in our hearts and minds.  Feeling uplifted when recognizing the loving signs that continue to appear.  Enabling us to stay linked with your spirit forever.

Last of the Firsts

Well, here it is.  March 7th showing itself once again.  This time, marking the first anniversary of Michael's passing.  Committing early on to fully experiencing this grieving process.  Giving myself the gift of this entire first year.  Without any expectation of what it might look or feel like.  Not pushing anything away.  Greatly appreciating the luxury of being able to do so.  Now having a personal reference point for an entire year's worth of emotionally charged days this life altering event presented.  A milestone of sorts.  Saying goodbye to the last of the firsts.

Unequivocal Response

Early yesterday morning, receiving an unexpected phone call from a close friend.  Describing the occurrence of an incredible metaphysical event at her home.  Involving the surprise appearance of a photograph of my son.  A portrait of him in his graduation gown.  Waiting for her to discover upon waking.  Lying face up under the dining room table.  This photo not one that had been out anywhere on display.  Her living alone, without any pets, removing any doubt of it mistakenly arriving there. This act designed to get her full attention.  Only two days after appealing for communication from Michael.  Sharing a close bond since his birth, but left without contact since his passing.  Open to the concept of communication with spirit.  Never imagining it presenting itself this clearly.  Asking with sincerity and open heart.  Impressively rewarded with an unequivocal response.  

Phenomenal Perspective

Being out in nature.  Numerous opportunities for gaining wisdom there. One particularly memorable experience occurring a month after my mother's passing.  Strolling alongside a stream, inviting her to please continue sending signs.  A few steps later, looking across into the forest, focusing on the most distant point.  Hearing, "Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist."  A phrase filled with double negatives, but the message quite clear.  Pointing out that based solely on what I could see, the forest ended at that furthest visible point. However, the whole of my being understanding it continued much further.  Having walked there many times before.  Comprehending the existence of more.  An entire world flourishing beyond what my eyes were perceiving.  The spirit world together with Mother Nature communicating a reassuring perspective on death.  Bestowing awareness regarding the ongoing existence of my mother's essence, despite leaving the physical realm.  Phenomenal.