Preparing for Birth

The newest member of our family is due to arrive later this month - a second grandchild for me.  A he or she?  My gut says a boy.  Either way, all will soon be revealed.  While his tiny human form dons its finishing touches in preparation for birth, there are likely some intense, last-minute conversations occurring amongst the spirits.  His soul family all helping him fine tune his wish list of experiences and opportunities for this upcoming lifetime.  As he readies himself to move from the realm he currently calls home, his earth family patiently waits to embrace him here.

Puzzling Behaviour

Perplexing.  At times, disappointing.  Various scenarios with similar outcomes.  Acquaintances saying they will call.  Others announcing they would love to get together.  Mentioning plans to meet up.  For coffee, a walk, even weekends away.  Then nothing.  Days, weeks, months go by.  Not a word.  Initiating the discussion without following through.  Forgetful?  Too busy?  Life challenges?  Or simply empty gestures?  Puzzling behaviour.  Often observed over the years.  Still working on not getting too attached to the outcomes of these conversations.  An ongoing personal challenge.

Urge to Call

Find myself longing to talk with my daughters more often.  Phone conversations every few days.  Meeting up weekly if possible.  Craving that ongoing connection.  Even more so than before.  In part, to counter my sense of vulnerability.  Of loss.  While reflecting on my recent phone conversations with them, the urge to call my son came on with great intensity.  The desire to speak with him as I could when he had a physical presence.  To ask about his week.  Touching base.  Longing for the banter.  Grateful for the new style of communication we do have, but often missing the old.

Autopsy and Ashes

Four more emotionally charged conversations related to my son's death, all within a few hours.  First, yet another call to the BC Coroner's office trying to track down the one form I still need to obtain from them.  I was informed once again that the Autopsy Report has not yet been completed which means their office cannot fill in the Physician's Statement I require.  This was followed by a phone call to the insurance company explaining my delay in not being able to supply them with all the information they have requested.  Then, I received a call from Boal Chapel reminding me that they are still waiting for my husband's signature before they can proceed with placing Michael's ashes in the space we have chosen.  That was followed by another call from them a short time later wondering when my younger daughter would pick up the small portion of the remains she had asked for.  An autopsy on my son's body.  Discussing his ashes again.  These conversations leave me struggling to fully breathe.  Thankfully all the people I had to talk to were extremely compassionate and kind, which makes it all a little easier to endure.

Update: Just after I posted this earlier today, I received yet another call enquiring about the proofing of his marker, which I had already signed off on four weeks ago!  Maybe I should have hired a personal assistant to take care of all these details because it sometimes feels like it is all too much for me to bear.

The Orchard Experience

I was curious.  Had I known my son as well as I thought I did? As I lay on his bed reading through the notes from his time at The Orchard treatment centre, I found myself feeling relieved that there were no huge surprises.  The new information that I did learn left me feeling sad, but not shocked.  After he died ten weeks ago, one of my first thoughts was gratitude that he had found the courage and strength to commit to that program last year.  By doing so, he gave himself and our family the gift of rebuilding relationships.  We were able to have the difficult conversations.  Without that shared experience, this new reality would feel vastly different.  As it is, he left knowing how much I loved him, and I am left knowing he loved me.  That goes a long way.