Moving On?

Moving on.  Well-meaning individuals tossing versions of this phrase into conversations.  With regards to grieving the death of my son.  "I'm glad to see you're moving on."  Implying leaving something behind.  As if putting it somewhere in the past is the answer.  Not relating to that concept at all.  Not moving anywhere.  Living with it.  Choosing to be in the present as much as possible.  Experiencing what is, right now. Extremely sad that Michael is gone.  Beyond description.  Living with that reality.  This not something that can change.  At the same time, loving the presence of my granddaughter.  Lucky enough to be kissing and holding her often.  Appreciating that immensely.  Grief and joy co-existing daily.  One not precluding the other.  Moving on?  Not part of the equation.

Comforting Communication

Enjoying a glass of wine in these waning moments of this summer solstice evening.  Alone with lights dimmed.  Cherishing the warm glow of a beautifully decorated candle.  One covered in a delicate swirling pattern of sage and coral.  Sitting here reflecting on the moving events at the ISA tonight.  Receiving a message from my son.  Him describing a forest scene with sun shining through the trees.  Exactly where I had been running this morning.  Making reference to our communication there.  Something we always engage in.  Expressing his joy in being able to stay connected.  Passing on encouragement.   Knowing I need it.  My mother coming through as well.  Later, taking my turn up on the platform.  Practising mediumship.  Bringing a message through for someone else in the audience.  Thankful to be learning to serve in this way.  Then upon leaving, speaking to a woman whom I had never met.  Learning she is also living with the experience of losing a child.  Finding great comfort in our conversation.  Both of us wondering aloud what this journey would look like without the spiritual awareness.  Agreeing it would likely be very grim indeed.  Instead, so grateful to know what we know.

Impressive Shot

Another amazing unexplainable occurrence.  Out on the golf course for the MGMG tournament last weekend.  Playing a Texas Scramble format.  In a foursome including one of Mike's friends, a cabin neighbour.  The two of them spending much time together over the years.  Including occasionally golfing together on this same course. This young man, a passable golfer, now teeing off at #7, our final hole. Taking his drive with a Nike brand ball.  Pulling the shot, causing the ball to veer off to the left.  Assuming to find it less than a third of the way down this 435 yard fairway, somewhere in the rough.  All four of us searching for quite some time, without any luck.  Finally leaving it, and finishing out that hole.  Then both carts making their way back to the clubhouse to meet up with all the others who had already completed the course.  His sister and I leading the way along the #8 fairway.  Spotting a ball up ahead.  Lying out in plain view.  Driving closer to investigate. Realizing it was a Nike ball!  Doing the math.  Coming up short.  What we were looking at seemed impossible.  Well over 5o0 yards to this spot. At least 150 yards further than a pro would make.  The second cart soon joining us.  The young man confirming it was his ball.  All of us looking at each other, completely dumbfounded.  A sign from Mike to his friend?  One currently going through some personal challenges. The four of us returning to the parking lot.  Sharing our story with fellow golfers.  Trying to comprehend the experience.  Laughing at the playfulness and impressive nature of that event.

Taking Flight

Spending the day at the cabin alone.  Finishing up some chores.  Then relaxing in the sun.  Basking in the loving energy of the weekend. Feeling its imprint upon this space.  At its peak, seventy-one of us gathering to share old memories.  Creating many new ones as well. The last of the group leaving this morning.  Those baby birds who had been chirping in the birdhouse all weekend deciding it was time as well. Taking their first flight this afternoon.  Embarking on the next experience before them.  Leaving the comfort and safety of the nest behind.

Bird on a Wire

As the saying goes, it is often the little things.  Walking along the mountainside power line trail.  Tail wagging Gulliver eagerly accompanying me.  Light rain with cool temperatures.  Definitely not uplifting weather.  With each step, carrying the emotional weight of preparing for the upcoming golf tournament.  Appreciating how wonderful it will be to all spend time together.  Simultaneously acknowledging the complex feelings it brings to the fore.  Midway along the journey, slowing down to send a message to the universe. Gazing skyward while humbly requesting dry weather for the weekend. Seconds later noticing a tiny bird perched high above.  On one of the electrical wires.  Suspended more than fifteen metres above the earth. Recognizing it to be an exquisite hummingbird.  Fluffing its feathers. Putting on quite a show.  Instantly sensing a shift in my disposition. Welcoming this reoccurring symbol of connection.  So grateful to be noticing it.  Very much appreciating its presence.  This small being making a huge impact.  With a lighter heart and bounce in my step, sending a smile of thanks for this magnificent moment.

Reconnecting

Attending a funeral at Boal Memorial last Tuesday.  For the mother of one of Mike and Kelly's good friends.  First time back in that chapel since Michael's service.  So many familiar faces.  Seeing Kelly's family, along with numerous young men and women experiencing that great loss last year.  Personally finding great comfort in reconnecting with them all.  Despite the sad circumstances.  Then later, flowers in hand, walking up the pathway into the forest alone.  Towards the two plaques positioned side by side on the wall.  Surprised and thoroughly heartened by the sight of so many of Kelly and Mike's friends already there. Followed by many more joining in.  Recounting stories.  Some tears. And laughter.  Punctuated by quiet reflection.  All acutely feeling loss. Then one young woman reaching down to the ground.  Picking up a penny lying beside a pot of flowers.  Directly in front of the plaques. Holding up the coin to show me.  The two of us shaking our heads in amazement.  Sharing a smile.  Recognizing and appreciating the ongoing marvels.

Bittersweet Day

Sitting here in the dark.  Well after midnight now.  Writing by the light of two small candles glowing beside my son's picture on the shelf. Earlier this evening, enjoying a leisurely family dinner here.  With everyone pitching in.  A few hours later, the girls, their husbands, the baby, and my friend all going home.  Now still experiencing that familiar bittersweet state.  Pleasure tinged with sadness.  Present from the planning and preparation right through to the clean up.  Lingering in my heart long after.  Every time.  Recognizing it earlier this afternoon.  While walking along the river trail.  The notion, "My heart breaks many times a day," presenting itself.  Aptly describing ones such as this.

We ♥ U

Driving up to the cabin again.  Only our second time this year.  That familiar underlying apprehension gaining momentum while nearing Princeton.  Then rounding that bend.  Approaching the cross.  Spotting huge bursts of colour around the base.  Curiosity quickly replacing the anxiety.  Drawing closer to see a multitude of brilliant silk flowers. What a magnificent surprise.  Stopping the car to take it all in.  Various shades of yellow, blue, pink, orange, red, and purple.  Artfully arranged blossoms around a purple and yellow hand painted sign.  We ♥ U Kelly + Mike.  Their friend creating a lasting expression of her feelings.  Not Rest in Peace or You are Missed.  Choosing to focus on love instead.  Uplifting energy to counter some of the sadness.  The ripple effect of this heartfelt gesture impacting others.  The two of us turning to smile at each other.  And carrying on with lighter hearts.

I'm Right Here

Enjoying a dynamic conversation with a young woman recently. Someone I had never spoken to.  She initiating the contact.  Calling me after receiving prompting by spirit.  Not personally acquainted with Michael or Kelly before they passed.  Only hearing of their existence from a friend.  Now on the phone with me, relaying experiences of spirit connection.  The first occurring on the eve of the memorial golf tournament last June.  Spending the night with two friends.  Sleeping in a home with a connection to Kelly.  Waking to her legs being shaken.  With powerful energy.  Sitting up and noticing a young man standing at the foot of the bed.  Hearing him say, "I'm right here." Observing a young woman quietly standing nearby.  Understanding she was seeing Mike and Kelly.  People she had never met.  In the morning, discussing it with friends who had known the two.  Receiving confirmation about what she had surmised.  A second incident occurring last week.  A voice suggesting, "You need to talk to my mom." Again recognizing Mike.  Unsure of the reason behind the advise. Listening to her intuition.  Following through.  Not long into our conversation, understanding why.  Later, conveying a related incident to her.  Describing the experience my husband had around that time last year.  Being roused from his sleep.  By a voice speaking those exact same three words.  "I'm right here."  Feeling his son standing at the foot of the bed!  All of these occurrences showing further evidence of eternal existence.  These individuals open to experiencing it.  In love and light. 

The Illusion of Secrets

Attending a Celebration of Life for a fond old family friend a few days ago.  Passing after eight decades here on earth.  A man who had been part of my life since early childhood.  His family, my family and a third one spending so much time with each other.  Three newlywed couples immigrating to Canada as young adults.  Embarking on new lives here. Soon raising children together.  Resulting in three families closely intertwined.  Picnics, camping trips, sleepovers, house parties, and holidays together.  Then abruptly, eleven years later, contact ceasing between our family and the third one.  No longer allowed to play with their daughter.  Severing the relationship between our brothers as well. Confusing times.  No one explaining why.  Then decades later, experiencing a powerful vision while napping on the couch.  Shedding light on what had transpired.  Mentioning it to my mother.  She confirming the details.  Giving her an opportunity to share the hurt still felt by that betrayal.  Adultery.  A painful family secret revealed.  Now running into my former playmate at the service.  Seeing each other again for the first time in forty-four years.  Discussing the situation of broken ties.  She only now learning of the reason why.  The ripple affect of the choices made by those two individuals long ago still reverberating in the universe.  For any number of reasons, neither accepting full responsibility for those actions in this lifetime.  Perhaps caught up in the mighty illusion of secrets.  Obliging them to carry the weight of those decisions into subsequent incarnations.

Spa Time

A friend and I recently spending time together at an outdoor spa in the woods.  One year after our inaugural visit.  Luxuriating in three hours of pure relaxation.  Coexisting in silence.  Mindfully moving from one experience to another.  Enjoying a predominantly meditative state. Fully embracing the sensation of being, rather than doing.  Soaking in the pools.  Reposing in steam and sauna. Reclining in deck chairs beside the stone fire pit, bundled up in white terry robes.  Tears of gratitude rolling down my cheeks while reflecting on the abundance in my life. Later, some of sadness while lounging near the forest's edge.  Emotions mirroring the weather.  Billowing clouds, cool breezes, sunny breaks, and rain showers.  Observing a marked difference between this year's visit and last.  This time around achieving a much deeper sense of contentment and bliss.

Cherished Gift

Transitioning from there to here, swiftly and safely.  Beautiful baby Kennedy arriving mere hours ago.  A little girl, just as the pendulum had indicated months ago.  My heart overflowing with love and joy in the presence of her perfection.  Listening to those precious sounds of contentment as she nestled near her mother's breast.  Seeing her father's face reflect great wonder and delight.  Smelling her softness in my arms.  So very grateful for this cherished gift of a granddaughter. Welcome to our family little one.  You have chosen well.  

The Dance Continues

Ten years ago today.  My mother leaving her physical self behind.   Returning wholly to spirit form.  Continuing to connect on that level. Coming through again last week.  Sending encouragement regarding a current project.   Reminding me of our eternal link.  Sensing her unconditional love and support while awaiting the arrival of our newest family member.  Baby Parker due in exactly one week.  These ribbons of existence continuing to perform their extraordinary dance.   

Time to Bloom

Later today, co-facilitating an evening session of well-being for a small group.  Two of us combining our interests, wanting to share our passions.  Leading participants through relaxing yoga poses and intuitive development activities.  A perfect combination.  The concept leaping into my awareness while swimming lengths a few weeks ago. Set in motion days later, and now finally here.  Not without some accompanying doubt and anxiety along the way.  This morning, shown a powerful image during mediation.  Seeing a simple flower with its long graceful stem lying horizontally along the ground.  Then slowly rising to a fully vertical position.  Clearly symbolizing growth and time to bloom.   All the preparation enabling it to now stand strong and sure. This magnificent experience giving me exactly the reassurance that was needed.

Emotional Tasks

Tasks relating to Michael's life continuing to weave their way through mine.  More than a year after his passing.  Finding a new home for his prized mountain bike.  Check.  Collecting and submitting his final income tax return.  Check.  As a group, completing the puzzle he and Kelly had begun.  Check.  None of these undertakings particularly daunting, yet a significant emotional charge accompanying each one. Processing them on a visceral level.  Calling for another expenditure of emotional energy.  The reserves of which still running low.  And so it goes.

Thirteen Months

Thirteen months today.  Spending this morning working on the 2nd Annual Mike Gibson Golf Tournament to be held in early June.  Then heading over to Boal Memorial to pay my respects.  His dad golfing with friends on this beautiful sunny day.  Wearing a sweater that belonged his son.  Finding a measure of comfort in that.  

Invaluable Pennies

Delightfully witnessing Michael, Kelly and Diesel's spirits coming through again last Wednesday evening.  With encouraging and uplifting messages as always.  The mention of feathers, new endeavours, and loving support very much appreciated.  One detail not initially resonating was the medium's mention of Mike showing her pennies. Then going on to say it seemed that I had been recently finding pennies in the oddest places, and picking them up.  After the session, mentioning to her that it was not something I had been experiencing, but that there was a connection.  Sharing with her what had transpired within a short time of the accident last year.  Early that fateful Monday morning, a close family member getting out of bed.  Stepping into the hall and hearing the unexpected sound of coins falling in the den. Walking over to investigate and discovering pennies spinning on the floor.  Quite unsure of what to make of it.  Particularly since his wife, the only other person in the house, was not yet awake.  Making a connection after hearing the news.  This past Thursday morning, this same relative unexpectedly stopping by my home.  Something he had never done before.  Conversation eventually turning to the happenings of the previous evening.  Describing the session to him, along with the confusing message regarding pennies.  Seeing the look of surprise on his face.  Listening to his words tumbling out.  Sharing that for the past few weeks he had suddenly started finding pennies in unexpected locations.  Thinking of them as his lucky pennies, and therefore taking the time to pick them up.  Good luck in his life being a little scarce of late.  A few hours after saying our goodbyes, finding himself out at the driving range with one of Mike's best friends.  Practising their golf swings for the upcoming tournament.  Calling me to say that it had just happened again.  While walking over to consult the swing guide, spotting a penny lying there on the windowsill.  All of this leaving me filled with such gratitude.  For receiving the message in the first place, and then being able to pass it on.  Resulting in reassurance to someone he loved.  Reminding me that messages from spirit may not always be fully understood in the moment.  Trusting that they reveal themselves in time.  All unfolding as it should. 

Footnote:  That same Thursday afternoon, the 2012 Federal Budget announcing the elimination of our penny beginning later this year. Front page headline in Friday's local paper reading "Pinching Pennies."  

Rich and Vivid Life

Preparing for bed a couple of nights ago.  Expressing gratitude for being able to experience life with an integrated connection to the unseen. Wondering how to articulate to another what it feels like to live this way.  Immediately shown an analogy.  Imagining a person seeing the entire world without colour.  Solely in shades of black and white. Certainly functional, but fairly dull.  Then flipping a switch.  Allowing all the colours of the rainbow to be observed and factored in.  Adding a huge measure of intensity to all perceptions.  Bringing increased vibrancy to daily life.  If that individual were then to incorporate the additional layer of gaining information through intuition and spirit connection, he would experience yet another magnificent shift.  Just as dramatic as the first.  Resulting in an even richer and more vivid life. 

Love From My Son

Reflecting on something wonderful that happened in the early morning on the recent anniversary of Michael's passing.  Lying awake in bed, well before six.  Trying to decide whether or not to get up. Thinking about how early it was and how nice it would be to fall back to sleep after such a restless night.  Moments later seeing Michael's head appear directly beside mine.  Almost touching, cheek to cheek.  Hearing him whisper, "I love you Mom," directly into my ear.  Twice.  Feeling the love behind the words flood through my entire body.  Reminding me of that deep connection we continue to share.  The next conscious thought as I continued to lie awake was, " What would Mikey do?"  The answer came swiftly and clearly.  He would roll over and go right back to sleep!  Which I promptly did for two more hours.  Another amazing gift from spirit.

Embodiment of Love

Dearest Kelly, you were the living embodiment of love.  Reflected in your warm smile and expressive eyes.  Readily felt by anyone in your presence.  Today marks the passing of an entire year without you.  Such a beautiful person greatly missed by so very many.  Friends and family trying to adjust to living with the void left behind.  Necessitating the creation of a revised connection to you.  Seeking comfort in the numerous memories alive in our hearts and minds.  Feeling uplifted when recognizing the loving signs that continue to appear.  Enabling us to stay linked with your spirit forever.

Looking Forward

Standing on the threshold of a new adventure.  Ready to embrace the next chapter of my life.  Devoting attention and energy to publishing a book.  Based on the entries of this online diary.  The seed for this idea planting itself late last summer.  Growing stronger over the ensuing weeks and months.  After today, posting here less frequently.  In order to do justice to this project.  Looking forward to stepping into this journey of the unknown.  Wholly identifying with the first card in the Tarot.  The Fool positioned on the brink of a precipice.  With pure potential, beginning another cycle on The Fool's Journey. 

Last of the Firsts

Well, here it is.  March 7th showing itself once again.  This time, marking the first anniversary of Michael's passing.  Committing early on to fully experiencing this grieving process.  Giving myself the gift of this entire first year.  Without any expectation of what it might look or feel like.  Not pushing anything away.  Greatly appreciating the luxury of being able to do so.  Now having a personal reference point for an entire year's worth of emotionally charged days this life altering event presented.  A milestone of sorts.  Saying goodbye to the last of the firsts.

Under the Same Sun

A year ago today, I last heard your voice.  Calling home from the cabin. Describing the long leisurely walk you had just completed.  Along with Kelly and Diesel.  Under sunny skies, around the frozen snow-covered lake.  Hearing the pure happiness in your voice.  Prompting my heart to smile. Knowing the three of you were enjoying an amazing weekend together.  Holding onto this beautiful image.  Under the same sun, my son, that is thankfully shining down on me today.

If I Seem Distracted

If I do not smile when passing by, forgive me.  If I do not make eye contact, it is not about you.  If I seem distracted, bear with me. Currently putting all my effort into just keeping it together.  Holding on 'til Wednesday passes.  Focusing on mindful breathing.  Meditating. Meeting up with a friend.  And definitely stopping at the florist on the way home.  Buying myself some flowers. 

Pink and Gold Bruised Heart

Coming up on twelve months.  Searching for the word to best describe this mother's heart.  Some in this situation referring to theirs as being scarred.  Implying lack of hope for further healing.  Personally not to viewing it that way.  Neither wounded nor damaged accurately expressing it either.  Earlier this week, settling on bruised.  A piece of my heart now feeling deeply and severely bruised.  Along with the expected corresponding ache and vulnerability.  Likely both lifelong companions.  Fully accepting that.  The greater part of my heart still thoroughly capable of giving and receiving love.  Then a couple of days ago, experiencing an added dimension.  During yoga, in Savasana, with mind's eye fully opened.  Perceiving an abundance of soft pink energy infusing my heart.  Interspersed with swirling strands of gold. Filling the space beyond capacity.  Flowing in and out in every direction.  Once again, witnessing the spiritual body supporting the emotional and physical ones.  With the powerful energies of light and love. 

Unequivocal Response

Early yesterday morning, receiving an unexpected phone call from a close friend.  Describing the occurrence of an incredible metaphysical event at her home.  Involving the surprise appearance of a photograph of my son.  A portrait of him in his graduation gown.  Waiting for her to discover upon waking.  Lying face up under the dining room table.  This photo not one that had been out anywhere on display.  Her living alone, without any pets, removing any doubt of it mistakenly arriving there. This act designed to get her full attention.  Only two days after appealing for communication from Michael.  Sharing a close bond since his birth, but left without contact since his passing.  Open to the concept of communication with spirit.  Never imagining it presenting itself this clearly.  Asking with sincerity and open heart.  Impressively rewarded with an unequivocal response.  

Self-Help Strategies

Recognizing the need for additional self-help strategies earlier this week, while navigating a predominantly grief filled day.  Prompting me to make an appointment for an early evening massage.  Contacting one of Mike and Kelly's friends to plan an upcoming coffee date.  Bundling up against the cold and stepping out to absorb some late afternoon sun on the patio.  While there, breathing deeply with eyes closed, asking for a sign of reassurance from my son.  Within moments, hearing the distinct sound of a hummingbird flying by.  The first one I have noticed this season.  Then moving inside to settle in on the sofa.  Rereading an old copy of The Little Prince.  Allowing this exquisite story to wash over me.  At the end of the day, none of these activities "fixing" the situation. Just doing what they were intended to which was to support my spirit. And that, they did beautifully.

Discovering the Courage

In conversation with one of Michael's friends recently.  She also struggling with darkness and suicidal thoughts.  Just as my son had for years.  Genetically predisposed to both depression and addiction.  Then having them triggered by life experiences.  Further aggravated by the stigma and misconceptions still sadly surrounding these issues. Encouraging the keeping of secrets and resulting feelings of shame.  All combining to create trying situations.  Personal challenges. Innumerable versions of these existing in varying degrees for each one of us.  Choosing particular lessons before incarnating.  Leading to opportunities for spiritual growth.  Remembering this assists with discovering the courage required to face the trials.  Enabling one to make advantageous decisions.   Towards a lighter and more joy filled existence.

Conflicted

Collecting ideas about how to best mark the one year anniversary next week.  The obvious visit to Boal Memorial.  Then gathering here at home with his sisters and brothers-in-law for mutual emotional support.  Relighting the gold candles used at his service.  Watching family videos.  Perhaps working on that unfinished puzzle Michael and Kelly had started, still lingering under the chair.  For dinner, ordering Chinese or preparing chicken fajitas.  The latter option reflecting the meal they created for us the day before leaving for their last cabin weekend.  Later, possibly playing a game together.   All simple but meaningful activities.  Connecting us to memories and the energy of our son and brother.  However, behind all this planning, certainly feeling conflicted.  On the one hand, focusing on honouring how much he meant to us and how deeply he is missed.  On the other, desperately wishing he were physically here instead. 

Playing With Light

Driving down the freeway to the International Spiritualist Alliance with three passengers the other night.  Two of them inviting themselves along to experience this environment for the first time.  Curious about mediumship demonstration and receiving messages from spirit.  En route, briefly describing the process to them and what they could expect. Midway through this conversation, passing through a tunnel. Emerging from there to discover every one of the dozens of streetlights repeatedly flashing on and off in unison.  This activity continuing alongside and ahead of us for the next few kilometres.  Our group of four expressing amazement.  Remarking that this was something none of us had ever witnessed, anywhere.  Then sharing a good laugh when recognizing the likely forces behind this playing with the light.  Happily witnessing the magic of spirit connection long before arriving at our destination.

Phenomenal Perspective

Being out in nature.  Numerous opportunities for gaining wisdom there. One particularly memorable experience occurring a month after my mother's passing.  Strolling alongside a stream, inviting her to please continue sending signs.  A few steps later, looking across into the forest, focusing on the most distant point.  Hearing, "Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist."  A phrase filled with double negatives, but the message quite clear.  Pointing out that based solely on what I could see, the forest ended at that furthest visible point. However, the whole of my being understanding it continued much further.  Having walked there many times before.  Comprehending the existence of more.  An entire world flourishing beyond what my eyes were perceiving.  The spirit world together with Mother Nature communicating a reassuring perspective on death.  Bestowing awareness regarding the ongoing existence of my mother's essence, despite leaving the physical realm.  Phenomenal.  

Profound Shifts

What a fascinating period this is shaping up to be.  Recognizing profound shifts in the lives of many.  Not limited to friends and family. As if the cracks and fissures created during the intense shakedown of the past year have finally given way.  Necessitating the restructuring of ones day-to-day engagement.  Calling for the courage to step into the unknown.  Initially, with the likely companions of discomfort and apprehension.  Leading to magnificent opportunities offering incredible potential. 

Brighter Days

Despite these grey and damp skies, the unmistakable presence of hope exists.  Noticing a multitude of spring's early signs.  Well ahead of the official date, still four weeks away.  Appreciating clusters of delicate snowdrops in a neighbour's garden.  Passing by bushes profusely adorned with pink hued buds.  Grateful for the masses of daffodils inching their way closer to flowering.  Surprisingly spotting an early blooming cherry tree yesterday afternoon.  All this new life, combined with increasing daylight, attempting to brighten the days with optimism and cheer. 

Ouija Concern

Running errands in a historic part of our city.  Spotting a quaint shop filled to the rafters with curios and antiques.  Stepping inside to discover a Ouija board resting on a shelf amid the clutter.  Feelings of concern instantly flooding in.  Vividly recalling a personal experience with this divining tool.  Ignorantly using it with adverse affects.  Leaving me with uncomfortable results.  Exactly twenty years ago, during a weekend away with a group of women friends.  Only learning of the recommendation to stay away from this low form of channelling after the fact.  Definitely not a game to be played with.  Hoping the board for sale in this store lingers there forever.

Heartfelt Visit

Spending an engaging evening over wine and appies with one of my daughters here last night.  Along with two acquaintances adjusting to a very recent loss.  This mother and daughter now a family of two.  The four of us taking turns filling each other in.  Sharing anecdotes about the ups and downs of life.  Some much appreciated laughter too. Touching upon the gifts available to us after experiencing a profound loss.  Greater compassion for others.  Increased confidence and freedom to make fitting choices for oneself.  Deeper appreciation for the right here, right now.  A heartfelt visit leaving me feeling connected, uplifted, and grateful.

Detach With Love

Detaching with love.  A difficult lesson frequently presented to me in this lifetime.  With close family members.  The arena in which so much opportunity for learning occurs.  First hearing it described this way at an Al-Anon meeting.  Concerning being in relationships with people who are dealing with addiction.  Working on separating an addict's behaviour from the essence of their soul.  Enabling me to love an individual while simultaneously choosing not to tolerate the objectionable, and often hurtful, conduct.  Vividly recalling an incident from long ago.  Receiving guidance with this after an hour of still time. While meditating on an important relationship.  Hearing the phrase, "Compassion yes, responsibility no."   Often falling short when trying to put into daily practise, but definitely worth striving for.  Providing a healthy alternative to engaging in anger, drama and pain.

Sense of Unease

It began a few days ago.  This underlying sense of unease.  Anticipating the first anniversary of my son's death.  Not dwelling on it but definitely feeling anxious.  Surprised to discover this heightened emotional state beginning already.  The actual date still three weeks away.  Reassuring myself that like the difficult days that have gone before, this too shall pass.  Contemplating meaningful ways for our family to mark the occasion.  A part of me wishing I could already be on the other side of that weighted day.   

Love Birds

Admiring the two miniature bronze lovebirds perched upon the cabinet. Ones I presented to my husband on Valentine's Day last year. Contemplating the third tiny bird nestled in-between.  Resting upon a leaf.  Slightly smaller than the others but similar in style and colouring. Placed there last March.  Receiving this sympathy gift days after the accident.  A shopkeeper in our neighbourhood impulsively picking it up off a shelf.  Then handing it to a family friend to pass on to us. Unaware that there were already two birds awaiting it at home.  Such an exquisite moment of synchronicity. 

Intriguing Obituaries

Browsing through the obituaries in the paper this morning.  Something I have done for years.  True to that Scorpio trait of being intrigued by death.  Noting the words chosen when condensing a life into a few sentences.  Reading between the lines.  Observing which aspects of a person's lifetime are included and considering those which might purposefully be omitted.  Paying attention to their ages.  A few living mere hours, some over one hundred years.  Most falling somewhere in-between.  Wondering about those indicating no service by request. Recognizing that the majority of obituaries are written by loved ones, a number by care facilities, and on occasion, by the individual themselves.  An exercise my son had undertaken less than a year before he died.  Unbeknownst to his family.  To facilitate gaining clarity for himself.  Sealing it in an envelope.  One of his sisters discovering it within days of his passing.  His father reading it aloud at his funeral. Imparting a clear sense of what was in Michael's heart and what he aspired to be remembered for.  Ending with, "You will be greatly missed!"  Indeed, he certainly is.

Extraordinary Farewell

Waking early yesterday to savour our final beach morning.  Meditating on the rolling waves.  Sending out a silent request.  Asking if it might be possible to witness a whale breaching nearby before journeying home. Then heading out for a short walk.  Keen to absorb a few last precious rays.  Spotting a humpback not too far in the distance.  Repeatedly tail slapping as if conveying a farewell.  Sending it gratitude from my heart for that.  Returning to the condo to pack our bags.  Locking the sliding door off the lanai.  Standing up to take one last look at the view with my husband.  In that exact moment, seeing a huge whale breaching directly before us!  This only the second one we observed doing this in close proximity during the entire twelve days here.  Beholding the first one while aboard a whale watching trip.  Walking out the front door and leaving with an enormous smile on my face.  Once again deeply impressed by how beautifully the universe listens.

Om Bath

Some love to shower, others prefer to bathe.  Myself, definitely one of the latter.  Enjoying the grounding effect of soaking in a tub of warm water.  Not long ago, discovering an entirely new bathing experience. Accomplishing it without getting wet.  A meditation teacher leading our group through an Om Bath.  In lieu of participants beginning and ending the Om chant simultaneously, having us stagger the start. Immersing ourselves in continual Oms over the course of fifteen minutes.  Akin to singing rounds in a choir.  Phenomenal sound experience.  Bathing fully clothed.

Inspired Writing

Writing these daily entries for exactly one year now.  Accepting the challenge my Oma's spirit lovingly presented.  Never imagining how meaningful this endeavour would become.  Certainly not creating this all on my own.  Continuing to receive inspiration from the unseen. Enabling me to receive support and encouragement from caring individuals in over seventy countries.  Grateful to each and every one. 

Postcard From Hawaii

Very much appreciating these rejuvenating days in the sun.  Yet, there is no escaping the loss.  No place on earth exists where that would that be possible.  Not even here in paradise.  Marking eleven months today. Thinking about you innumerable times, each and every hour.  While swimming with the honus and asking to share their strength.  In conversation with the affable young man considering a job opportunity in Alberta.  When spotting the handcrafted transparent shell ornament consisting of two doves with a heart suspended between them.  And so many of the moments in-between.  Postcard from Hawaii.  Michael, wish you were here.

Curious Observation

Over lunch at a busy restaurant with my husband Saturday afternoon.  Reminiscing about our son.  Wishing I could ask him something only he would know the answer to.  Half-jokingly suggesting aloud that he, "Knock once for yes, twice for no."  Knowing it was too noisy to actually hear a reply.  This morning, my husband offering a curious observation. Remarking that the numbered ticket he had received for our dinner pickup that same day was number 13.  Then Sunday, his rental agreement contract, number 13.  Within twenty-four hours, the only two activities we had engaged in concerning numbered paper receipts.  Both referencing Michael's favourite number.  

Definition of Beauty

Humpback whales.  Never given them much thought.  Stocky dark coloured body incorporating a hump.  Head and jaw covered with knobs.  Not particularly beautiful at all.  Dismissing them as ugly in fact.  Judging them solely on pictures I had seen.  Now spending a few days sharing these warm waters.  Swimming and snorkelling in their breeding grounds.  Marvelling at their spectacular breaching and tail slapping.  Entertained by the males singing their complex songs. Smiling at young ones playfully engaged.  Offering me an opportunity to rethink my definition of beauty.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

My husband so often reminds me of my son.  With his body language, comments he delivers, and some of the choices he makes.  Both smart, funny and capable guys.  Two tall, blue-eyed, handsome men. Yesterday, over a leisurely breakfast outdoors.  Commenting aloud to my husband about him balancing precariously on his chair.  With that grin on his face and gleam in his eyes, throwing out the cheeky comeback of, "What could possibly go wrong?".  Indeed.  Words that could easily have been spoken by my son.  Reflecting that happy-go-lucky attitude. Providing us with another opportunity for full blown laughter.  To the point of tears.  Words to hold on to for subsequent smiles. 

Healing Islands

Falling into a welcoming beach chair.  The two of us returning after strolling barefoot for miles along the shore.  Settling in with eyes closed.  Feet resting comfortably in the sand.  Breathing in the strength of the waves.  Basking in the warmth of the cloud filtered sun.  Enjoying the light breeze caressing my cheek.  Feeling grounded.  Meditating on it all.  Within moments the words, "Help me heal" materializing. Intuitively repeating them with each new wave rolling in.  Heal.  This one word succinctly revealing why Hawaii, and why now.  More than a vacation or holiday.  The powerful elements of these islands lovingly extending themselves to us.  Helping to heal the trauma our souls have sustained.       

Glorious Beginning

Ensconced on the lanai, morning coffee in hand.  Embraced by the warmth and humidity.  Awakened by nature's alarm clock moments earlier.  A variety of bird songs rousing me from my sleep.  Ranging greatly in pitch and intensity.  Before me, grand palms framing a serene ocean view.  Bougainvillea and plumeria blossoms contributing vibrant bursts of colour along with fragrance to the scene.  Glorious way to begin a day.  

Fun in the Sun

Off to enjoy the sun and sand.  Time for some long overdue fun.  A good friend generously loaning us the use of her oceanfront condo.  Looking forward to experiencing the physical representation of the vision shown in that meditation last spring.  Walking the beach.   Swimming with the turtles.  Contemplating that link between the stars above and those below.  Feeling infinitely connected.

Spirited and Beautiful

Twenty-eight years ago today.  Welcoming my second daughter into this world.  This spirited little Aquarian born cross-eyed with crooked feet.  Beautiful just the same.  Bestowing upon her a name that never quite fit.  Then legally changing it just before her first birthday.  So thankful this wise soul chose me to be her mother.  That she picked this family to be born into.  Teaching me to be a better person.  Challenging me to consider other perspectives.  Continuing to enrich my life with her love.  Every day. 

Telepathic Abilities

Telepathy.  Tuning into each other's minds.  An experience many can relate to.  Completing a thought concerning another individual and shortly thereafter receiving communication from them.  Making a game of this with my children when they were young.  Finding myself experiencing this phenomenon more often now.  Frequently receiving confirmation within seconds.  Generally in person or through phone conversation.  Most recently via text.  Promptly receiving the precise answer to a question I had barely finished mentally formulating.  One this individual and I had not previously discussed.  Subsequently, allowing my imagination to wander.  Considering the notion of people marvelling at the digital tools available for immediate communication. Imagining future generations looking back on this era with fondness. They remarking how quaint it was that their forefathers believed they had made such progress.  Before mankind began directing more effort into further developing innate telepathic abilities.  No longer dependent on cumbersome equipment to all be sharing thoughts instantly with each other.  Tapping into the potential that lies within.

Life Imitating Art

Michael had been working in marketing at his father's printing business in the months before he died.  One of his minor tasks was taking over responsibility for the outdoor sign.  To ensure that a good selection of humorous phrases were posted there.  Entertaining the public as they passed by.  Installing this one a few weeks before the accident:
  
  ʇuǝpıɔɔɐ  

uɐ pɐɥ noʎ

 sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ

uɐɔ noʎ ɟı 

Posting it on their company Facebook page as well.  Seemingly funny at the time.  In hindsight, perhaps a bizarre example of life imitating art instead.

Heartfelt Connection

Still in shock.  In a good way.  Late last week, a courier arriving at our front door with a large package addressed to me.  Eagerly opening the beautifully wrapped box.  Discovering a remarkably generous and thoughtful heart themed gift.  One I will wear with love.  Sent by a group of compassionate people who know my story from afar.  Individuals I have never met.  Living thousands of miles away.  A most amazing heartfelt connection. 

A Mother Hen Experience

Low energy weekend.  Emotionally and physically.  Acutely missing my son.  Making every effort to pull myself up.  Swim at the pool.  Long meditation.  Out for a run.  All with little success.  Suddenly, the image of a mother hen flashing through my mind.  Identifying with her immediately.  Proud of her baby chicks.  Happy to see them flourishing, exploring their environment, making their own way.  Then finding herself momentarily faltering.  Keenly feeling that empty space left behind by the one now gone.  Experiencing an overwhelming desire to gather in the ones remaining.  Wanting to hold them close.  Needing the reassurance of that motherly connection.  Enlisting help from my daughters.  Both thankfully able to accommodate.  One having coffee with me,  the other coming over to play cards.  Helping to soothe this mother's heart.

Five Days in a Row

Five days in a row.  Without shedding tears of sadness thinking about my son.  A record thus far.  Worth noting and certainly thankful for. Not making assumptions today about what tomorrow, next week, or next month may look like.  Trusting it is all unfolding as it should. Fully appreciating this, right now.

Snow Day

Snow day.  Rare occurrence in this part of the country.  Some communities in our area enjoying one or two this week.  Schools and businesses shutting down.  Opening up unexpected space in many people's lives.  Time out.  A gift from Mother Nature.  Encouraging folks to slow down.  Step away from the frantic pace many have adapted. Creating an opportunity to rediscover a sense of play.  Read a book. Savour a cup of tea.  Engage in board games.  Get out for a walk. Perhaps reawakening the joy these simple pastimes can bring.

A Good Laugh

Ordering tickets by phone for an upcoming jazz performance. Supplying the receptionist with my credit card number.  She requesting the expiry date.  Reading out 12/12 to her, then immediately bursting into laughter.  Explaining my behaviour to this bewildered woman.  Noting my card will expire in December 2012.  Coinciding perfectly with the "end of the world".  Talk about synchronicity.  Not in agreement with that pessimistic prediction, but definitely appreciating the good laugh it prompted! 

Gratitude List Payoff

This idea arriving a few days ago.  While swimming lengths in the public pool.  To create another written gratitude list.  It had been a while.  Recognizing the need to recharge my batteries.  Rekindle the lighter energy within.  Challenging myself to come up with more than the nominal dozen or two notations.  Setting the goal of listing one hundred entries this time.  Assuming that might take a while. Surprising myself.  Completing it in less than fifteen minutes.  Easily. Resulting in such a deep sense of contentment and appreciation.  Huge payoff for such a minimal investment.

Ongoing Love Story

An ongoing love story.  Reiterating this theme to others a couple of times during the weekend.  Explaining that so much around Michael and Kelly's passing revolves around love.  Then, spending yesterday afternoon with my husband in the heart of the city.  Enjoying a leisurely lunch, followed by an ocean side walk along the seawall.  Under cool and sunny skies.  Both of us filled with gratitude and contentment. Soaking it all in.  By chance, glancing down onto the beach below. Instantly stopping to take in a heartwarming sight.  A huge creative expression of love formed with large stones.  Laid out vertically, close to three metres long.  Beginning with the letter K at the top, followed by the outline of a heart, with the letter M underneath.  K ♡ M.  Amazing. Had thoughts of what to make for dinner or concerns about next week been occupying my mind, this gift would likely have gone unnoticed. Being present, in the moment.  Open and available to enjoy this heartening opportunity to connect with love. 

Perfect Combination

Such a powerful experience earlier this week.  One that will not be forgotten.  Lighting the candle. Sitting cross-legged.  Connecting to breath, eyes closed.  From deep within, calling upon the universe for assistance.  Silently formulating the request, "Help me through, help me through."  Invoking support to feel strong and grounded.  Moments later, guidance arriving in the form of a mantra.  One entirely new to me.  "Be Strong--I Can--I Am." Spontaneously repeating it numerous times.  Allowing it to resonate completely.  Resulting in relaxation and a measure of renewed fortitude. Meditation and prayer.  A perfect combination.

Reassuring Experience

Michael coming through to visit his sisters.  Dog by his side, at the ISA last night.  Sharing specific and detailed messages with his energy. Including a shout-out to his dad as well.  Leaving no doubt as to the identity of this, their brother's, spirit.  Another reassuring experience demonstrating the continued existence of beings.  Clearly remaining connected to each other.

Sun's Kiss

The two of us ambling along through the forest yesterday afternoon. Close to the river's edge.  Silently enjoying the unhurried pace.  Bundled up in down vest and gloves.  Approaching a clearing in the trees. Slowing down even further.  My face instinctively angling itself towards the sun.  Like the potted plant on the kitchen sill.   Keen to absorb the maximum available warmth and light.  Continuing to walk with eyes closed.  Lost in the moment.  Deeply appreciating this kiss of life.    

Immense Resolve

Such immense resolve required in order to stay the course.  The amount of energy expended while doing so, extraordinary.  That proverbial rug so often getting pulled right out from under me.  Without any warning. Last Friday afternoon.  The day before an already emotionally charged weekend.  An envelope from the Ministry of Public Safety arriving in the mail.  Discovering a cover letter inside, along with the official Coroner's Report.  Including numerous details.  Time of Death.  Cause of Death. By What Means.  And more.  Black and white reminder of the harsh reality.  A formal version of events.  Not much in the way of new information.  Thankfully.  Moments later, the phone ringing.  My husband calling to say he would be working a little late.  Telling him about the letter.  He spontaneously responding with morbid humour. "He's probably still dead."  Leaving me laughing and crying.  Truly exhausting.

Sharing Laughs

Reading "Zits" comic strip in the Sunday funnies yesterday.  The one cartoon Michael and I regularly shared laughs over.  Right til the end. Both of us recognizing our mother/son relationship so accurately mirrored there.  First frame, dated January 8, 2012.  Mother on the phone.  "Hello Olive Garden? I'd like to make a reservation for three for my son's birthday."  This story concluding with the teenage son making last minute changes to the plans.  Leaving his mom banging her head against the wall.  Really?  Same birthday???  Immediately recognizing this sign from my witty son.  Still sharing laughs.  Offering up humour to lighten the load.  Our family and two friends later marking Michael's birthday at The Old Spaghetti Factory.  The idea leaping in a couple of months ago.  This inexpensive restaurant with its lively energy always his first pick for a dinner out.  Our group acknowledging the significance of this day with stories and laughter over a meal.  Helping to take the edge of an extremely difficult occasion. 

My Son's Birthday

January 8, 1986.  The day my baby boy was born.  So many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and heart today.  Carrying that little life full of potential.  Expecting him to be a her.  Thrilled to be wrong.  Easiest baby ever.  Such a loving and playful child.  Growing into a confused, risk taking teen.  So many ups and downs.  Becoming a young man attempting to find his way.  Spending his last birthday in the hospital.  Having again walked to the middle of the bridge the evening before.  Contemplating suicide once more.  Then picking up the pieces and finding resolve.  Optimism and hope.  Twenty-five.  For years the magic number friends and acquaintances were repeating. Assuring me that often boys did not begin to mature until then.  For Michael, celebrating twenty-five birthdays would be all that he needed. There would be no more.  Cannot begin to describe what it feels like to be observing this day without him. 

Ten Months or Last Year

Tomorrow marks ten months since the accident.  Observing how different it feels to state that it happened last year.  To say that my son died last year.  A simple word substitution causing such a pronounced shift in perspective.  Discussing it in terms of 'months' indicating that the event occurred recently.  Very much reflecting the way it still feels. The words 'last year' implying it transpired some time ago.  Noting reluctance on my part to describe it this way.  Due to the assumption of less intense emotional attachment perhaps.  Not ready for that yet.  Still perceiving that it happened such a short time ago.  That curious concept of time coming into play once again.  The stark reality is that the event happened.  The language used when referring to it does not alter the actual incident.  What is does is affect and reflect my reaction to it.  Two separate issues.  One I can choose to change, the other I cannot.

Flowers Flowers Everywhere

Oh my, what a day it was.  Heavy rains falling all morning.  The first time my autistic companion and I would be forgoing our walk. Suddenly, an unexpected break in the weather.  Heading out in our rubber boots.  Mine bursting with colourful hearts.  Perfect for navigating the water logged trail and its plentiful mud puddles. Halfway into our creek side stroll, noticing a small shiny object lying in the dirt. The size of a penny.  Silver in colour.  Dismissing it as a piece of trash. Carrying on.  Then stopping.  Backtracking.  Picking it up and turning it over.  Holding a clear resin flower shaped embellishment in my hand. In pristine condition.  Five multifaceted petals with silver backing.  Not valuable in the traditional sense.  However, priceless to me.  Instantly recognizing this as a sign from my late mother.  Laughing out loud. January 4th, her birthday.  A task that had already been planned for later that afternoon?  Purchasing a bouquet to tie to her memorial bench in the Village.  More than a token gesture.  As an avid gardener, flowers had been a great passion of hers.  Evening came.  Off to Open Circle with guided meditation at the ISA.  The facilitator describing a grassy meadow to explore.  Mine filled with red poppies instead.  Trying hard to find the grass.  The poppies stubbornly remaining.  Continuing along a path.  Hearing the message whispered by the trees, "You are doing it". Reassuring me that I was on the right track.  Arriving at a bench and resting there.  Soon feeling my mother hug me from behind.  Pink and gold energy surrounding us.  Just as described in a previous ISA encounter.  Then clearly hearing my mother utter three words. "Forget me not."  Initially confused.  Of course not, she was my mother.  Then, the aha moment.  At her service ten years ago, I had arranged for two kinds of seed packages to be available for guests to take home.  Plant in her memory.  Poppies was one, forget-me-nots, the other.  Yesterday, a colourful day filled with flowery signs from spirit.  Not consciously asked for.  Yet offered up in abundance for me to recognize and treasure. With love, beauty, and uplifting energy.  Dankeschön Mama. 

Adapting to New Realities

Speaking to a woman recently widowed.  One of five mothers in my circle of friends and acquaintances dealing with this new challenge within the past year.  Conversation turning to the topic of grieving. Listening to each other's stories.  Comparing similarities and differences between our situations.  She, of course, missing her husband.  At the same time, imagining that losing a child would be more difficult to deal with.  Two words in particular striking a chord. Untimely death.  Not heard it expressed so succinctly before. Regardless of the particulars, all of us adapting to our new realities.  To the best of our abilities. 

Time Does Not Exist

Time does not exist.  Exposed to this idea many years ago.  Hearing those exact four words while sleeping one night.  Understanding the truth of this phrase the moment it was presented.  Upon awakening, immediately recalling the concept.  Recognizing the importance of it. Presently noting that Samoa recently switched time zones.  Resulting in the 'loss' of an entire day.  December 30, 2011 did not exist in that country.  Another opportunity to question the generally accepted concept of time.

Promising Year

A year filled with promise and adventure.  Becoming a grandmother, travelling, and continuing to write.  Looking forward to many rewarding times ahead.  Embracing further change.  Without that intense spiking energy present this time last year.  Sensing a lighter, less dense quality to the beginning of 2012. 

Taking Stock

Another calendar year drawing to a close.  Opportune time to take stock.  Reflecting on the great changes and challenges that occurred. All allowing for deeper learning and understanding.  About myself, as well as others.  A year rich in loving moments and experiences. Certainly one thoroughly filled with tremendous significance.

Forever

Gazing up at the large photo perched upon the shelf.  A carefree image of Michael hamming it up with his friends.  Finding myself once again ruminating on the concept of forever.  Initially viewing it from the purely physical perspective.  Contemplating the reality of him never sitting here on the sofa with me again.  It takes my breath away.  Then purposefully redirecting my thinking.  Flipping it over.  Turning it around.  Focusing on the understanding that his essence exists eternally.  Enabling me to resume breathing comfortably once again.

Energizing Experience

In conversation with an old acquaintance recently.  A teacher whose daughter passed a few years ago.  Describing the feeling he gets when connecting to her spirit.  Tingling that begins along the edges of his arms.  Then rapidly spreading from there.  Quite familiar with this sign myself.  Feeling charged.  Often experiencing the sensation when making a connection with my son.   During tarot readings over the years as well.  A physical indicator that contact has been made.  In my case, often accompanied by watery eyes.  Possibly due to the change in energetic frequency.  Raising ours while they lower theirs.  Enabling us to meet somewhere in-between.  Always an energizing and uplifting experience.

Candlelight Magic

The beauty of candlelight.  Simply magical.  Surrounding myself with it as often as possible.  Especially this time of year.  More than thirty candles placed in the living/dining area alone.  Creating an enchanting ambiance.  Not reserved for special occasions.  Enjoying their bewitching flames daily.  Down the hall, an entire pine cabinet dedicated to this endeavour.  Storing additional tapers, pillars and tea lights, along with numerous holders.  Affectionately known as The Candle Cupboard.  These candles providing such warmth and splendour.  Breathing life into the darkness.

We Did It

Outside of the funerals, personally finding these last two days the most difficult this year.  Feeling fragile all weekend.  Walking that thin line between holding it together and falling apart.  Phone calls, emails, and time spent with loving family bringing much appreciated support. Combined with deep breathing, some laughter, meditation, and numerous heartfelt hugs.  Taking time to send love to others experiencing a difficult time as well.  Collectively contributing to a Christmas that was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Myself, my husband, our daughters, and son-in-laws proudly embracing the expression, "We did it."

Table For Fifteen

Preparing for tomorrow night's dinner.  Setting the table for fifteen. Celebrating Christmas Eve here, German style.  As we have for the past nine years.  Carrying on the tradition my parents passed on.  My great-niece making her initial appearance at this particular event.  A few days shy of her first birthday.  Bringing her sweet energy to this family gathering.  Myself, unsure of what to expect this first Christmas without my son.  Obviously an emotional time.  Not lamenting over it.  Just going with it.  Knowing each person here will be missing him too. Directing my attention to what is present.  Simultaneously acknowledging what is missed.  Therein lies the balancing act.  Not tempted to wish this celebration away.  Never.  So much to be grateful for.  The individual aspects of this tradition continually changing as they must.  However, the integrity of the whole remaining supportive, reassuring, and intact.

Mother Nature's Gift

Grateful for the amazing winter weather so far.  Predominantly cool, dry days.  Bright skies.  Contrasting the more common scenario.  That of endless weeks of rain and gloom.  Makes a difference.  A big one. Thanking Mother Nature for her perfect timing.  Giving this gift, this particular year.  Very much appreciated. 

Luminous Occasion

Winter Solstice.  Our northern hemisphere experiencing the longest night of the year.  From here on in, less darkness, more light. Definitely worth celebrating.  Festivals, rituals, and gatherings marking this occasion around the world.  One such event taking place tonight in the Chinese Gardens downtown.  Complete with lanterns and live music. Planning on heading over to enjoy the luminous affair.  Adding fuel to the internal flame.  Helping to keep it burning bright.

Unique Journey

In discussion with other parents experiencing the loss of a child.  One mother mentioning something most can identify with.  Likely our biggest common denominator.  "The most important rule in life got broken."  Outliving ones child.  All of us branching out from there.  So many aspects influencing this journey of grieving.  Just as with any huge life altering experience.  The age of the child.  How she died.  The quality of life he was having.  The nature of the parent child relationship.  Family dynamics.  Personality traits.  Spiritual beliefs or the lack thereof.  Personal challenges the parent was facing in addition to this death.  Degree of available resources and support.  A unique journey for each one of us.  No two paths exactly alike.

Modifying Traditions

Filling Christmas stockings.  Truly the highlight of gift giving for me. Beginning in the fall.  Sourcing the ideal items for each family member. A collection of humorous, luxurious, and practical ones.  Wrapping up each little treasure.  All leisurely taking turns Christmas morning. Opening them one by one.  The girls spending the past couple of Christmas mornings with their husbands.  As they should. Establishing their own traditions.  So it had come down to the three of us.  Michael, my husband and I.  Diesel enthusiastically joining in.  Thoroughly enjoying ourselves.  This season, deciding against hanging the stockings for just us two.  Not keen on dealing with the emptiness that would so obviously be sitting there with us.  Simply because of how it came to be. Choosing to give it a pass this time around.  Open to reinstating that tradition in the future.  Understanding that eventually this is how it would have been.  However, this year planning to go snowshoeing instead.

Gathering at the Tree

This coming Sunday.  Our daughters, son-in-laws, my husband and I meeting up.  Decorating a mini Christmas tree together.  Starting this annual tradition at Oma's graveside ten Christmases ago.  Symbolically sharing the holidays with someone we loved.  Lighting candles clipped to the branches.  Singing German carols.  Recounting memories. Moving the occasion to Boal Memorial this year.  Using the same tree Michael helped decorate last December.  Adding some new ornaments for our brother and son.  Kelly and Diesel too.  Knowing my mother will happily meet us there.  All gathering together. 

Parallel Celebrations

Vivid imagination or a glimpse into the other?  Rather than focusing on loved ones not being here to celebrate with us, turning it around. Broadening the perspective.  Picturing their spirits having an amazing time of it where they are.  Seeing the possibility of parallel celebrations. Their experience filled with such depth and beauty.  They occasionally pausing to look over at us with loving hearts.  Wishing we could be there with them to feel that magnificence.  Reminding themselves that for now, this is how it must be.  That we all take turns moving back and forth between these versions.   Taking great care not to diminish the joyfulness of their festivities.  Understanding how disrespectful that would be. 

Recovering Equilibrium

Two steps forward, one step back.  After many days of feeling predominantly optimistic and upbeat, the spirit falters.  Yesterday afternoon.  Several situations converging in a short space of time. Looking through old photos in preparation for a commemorative event later this week.  Listening to unsolicited excuses from a relative about how long it has been since getting together.  Planning Christmas Eve dinner.  Exploring alternate plans for Christmas morning.  All contributing to wearing down emotional reserves.  Tonight a candlelight ceremony at The Compassionate Friends.  The support group for parents who have lost a child.  Following through on a suggestion Michael made last month, I will attend.  This activity likely to provide emotional support.  Assist with recalibration.  Recovering equilibrium. 

Comfortable and Comforting

Pulled out the winter boots.  White suede, grey rubber, red trim. Olympics 2010 edition Sorels.  Purchased to wear while volunteering for those winter events last year.  Guaranteed to keep me cozy and warm while trekking along the trail with my companion later this morning. The last time they were worn was nine months ago.  But not by me. During that first weekend in March.  Unbeknownst to me, Michael had packed them for Kelly to use up at the cabin.  For walking around the frozen lake and playing in the snow.  Wanting her to be comfortable. Personally anticipating a sense of comfort when wearing these boots again.  Looking forward to walking with them.

Seeing Love

Psychometry.  The art of discovering information about someone by holding an object associated with them.  Found myself practising this with a dozen people last week.  Each of us anonymously depositing something of ours into a basket.  Then taking turns pulling out an object.  Sitting with it for some time.  Writing down any impressions received.  Sights, sounds, smells, words, feelings.  Later sharing the information one by one before the group.  Lastly, confirming whose item it was and receiving feedback on accuracy of the reading.  Deciding to submit an heirloom ring worn daily.  One my maternal grandmother had purchased for herself many, many years ago.  Clean modern design consisting of three identical diamonds on a gold band.  Inherited by my mother, who in turn gifted it to me weeks before she died.  The resulting reading was impressive with the reader accurately commenting on my personality traits and recent events.   However, the highlight was the intense colour association.  This woman describing a most magnificent vision of bright pink, edged with gold.  Commenting that this was the most glorious shade of it she had ever seen.  Explaining that it represented love and that the owner of this ring was surrounded by so much of it.  That I know to be true.  Love.  Not only an energy we can feel, but one that can also be seen.

Birthday Presence

Dear Kelly,
As your father and brothers celebrate yours and your twin's birthday this weekend, I call upon you to draw in close.  That they may feel your presence and know you are there with them.  To remind them that you will always be part of the family.  As for me, I am so glad you were born and in my life.  Such strength, compassion, love, and optimism.  Thank you for being you.   
All my love,
Vera

Side By Side

Their remains now finally resting in peace, side by side.  Finding a significant measure of comfort in this.  Michael and Kelly so deeply connected in this lifetime.  Belonging together.  This a physical symbol of that.  In the aftermath of calamity, it can be the little things that matter. 

Nine Months

Doing the math.  Three quarters of the way through this first year. Anticipating the challenges that still lie ahead.  More birthdays without them, including hers and his.  Celebrating Christmas and New Years. Then Valentine's Day, followed by the one year anniversary.  Mulling over ways to best honour the occasions.  Striving to incorporate love and joy into each of these events.  Providing some balance to the obvious sadness of missing them. 

Providing Comfort

In conversation with one of Kelly's dear friends.  Discussing the reluctance of co-workers to mention Kelly's name.   Not speaking of their colleague who has passed.  Perhaps afraid of upsetting this friend. Fearing they may cause additional heartache.  If only they could be reassured that the tears and sadness come regardless.  That is our reality when we have lost someone we loved. The irony is that they would actually provide comfort by sharing a memory or remarking how much they miss her smile and cheerful disposition.  Hearing others speak of our loved one actually helps ease the pain.  Knowing they mattered to others.  That they are missed.  That they will not be forgotten.

Valuable Gifts

Wow!  What a fabulous gathering of youthful energy at our home this weekend.  Close to thirty of Mike and Kelly's good friends coming together to welcome the season.  Sharing friendship, conversation, and good cheer.  Crafting tree ornaments containing mini photos.  Old stories and new ones making the rounds.  All in an atmosphere infused with love and joy.  This, Michael's wish for them all.  To stay close. Support each other.  Further evidence that valuable gifts can be realized when acting on the power of a dream.  

Wondering Where You Are

Browsing through my niece's old photos on Facebook.  Coming upon one with the caption reading, "Christmas at the Grandparents". Showing the four young girl cousins posing in front of Oma's fireplace on Christmas Eve.  My daughters and my brother's two.  Taken in the mid 80's.  Posted in 2007.  Michael writing the very first comment.  Three simple words.  Asking, "where am I?" He being the fifth and last born of the grandchildren on this side. The fact is that photo was taken in December 1985, two weeks before he was born.  This coming Christmas Eve, it will once again be the four girls together.  Celebrating here at our home.  Now all married women building families of their own.  And Mikey, we will all indeed be wondering where you are. 

Celebrating the Light

Waking up to frost under clear skies.  Ahhh.  December now arriving in all its glory.  Perfect weather for slipping into the spirit of the season. Embracing the preparations and festivities.  With mindfulness and an open heart.  Celebrating the light.  In social gatherings or with just one other.  Choosing to continue finding the joy. 

Focusing on the Good

Fascinating really.  This natural tendency to focus on the good. Thinking often about the happy and positive memories of our years together as mother and son.  Not dwelling on the challenging and difficult times of the later years.  Of which there were many.  Those remaining very much in the background.  Perhaps due to the nature of the relationship now.  Back to connecting purely spirit to spirit.  No ego involved. 

An Emotional Puzzle

Peeking out from under the huge armchair in the den.  The front edge of a large framed canvas.  Supporting hundreds of puzzle pieces.  Half of them connected to each other.   The remainder still waiting to be directed to their rightful places.  A pastime Michael engaged in last winter while convalescing after another shoulder surgery.  Kelly working on this with him.  Keeping him company.  Finding it curious that this incomplete project remains there.  Right where they left it.  For someone who thrives in a neat and orderly environment as I do, this seems to be an odd choice.  Usually storing or disposing of unused items with efficiency.  Packing up and donating his clothes.  Cleaning out his room.  All dealt with in a timely fashion.  Today however, still unwilling to return those pieces to their box.  Obviously representing something more.  Perhaps reminding me of the simple activities they enjoyed together.  Clearly understanding it cannot reside there forever. Possibly completing this project together after a family dinner one day. Not wishing to tackle this alone.  Not yet. 

Shifting Moments

How quickly it still shifts from moment to moment.  Awaking Friday morning to a magnificent sunrise.  Contrasting greatly with the storm of the previous day.  Strolling in the sunshine along the rocky seashore. Chatting and laughing with a friend and her dog.  Grateful for the change of scenery and distractions.  Upon returning to the cottage, checking my computer.  Noticing a posting made minutes earlier.  A photo of Michael.  Standing beside the ocean, arms stretched out wide. Taken days before he died.  One I have seen before.  Now catching me completely off guard.   This scene a perfect match to the one I had just been experiencing.  A second uploaded image showing a necklace his aunt had created  for herself in his memory.   Incorporating a heart and a star.  This, my first glimpse of it.  Both pictures instantly transporting me from a sense of peace and lightness to one of heart piercing sadness. Tears falling.  Breathing through it.  Then moving on with the day. Enjoying an afternoon with more laughter and conversation.  A short drive and ferry ride later, arriving home with a sense of contentment. Noticing the stack of unopened mail.  Tearing open a large envelope addressed to me.  Reading the enclosed letter from one of Michael's and Kelly's high school teachers.  One who is also living in this community. Sharing her condolences, as well as some memories.  Resulting in further emotions to process.  More tears.  In both cases, greatly appreciating that others continue to think about him.  Making the effort to share that.   As difficult as it is being in the feelings these pictures and words evoke, I am thankful for the communication.  Helping me feel connected and supported.  This ongoing roller-coaster ride.

Balanced Living

Living a balanced life.  A popular expression.  Frequently heard of late. Referring to the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves.  Visualizing a pie.  Ideally each piece of it receiving an adequate amount of attention daily.  The size of the pieces adjusting slightly as needed.  Actively moving ones body.  Connecting with spirit. Engaging the brain.  Interacting with feeling.  Every day.  Seemingly simple yet an ongoing challenge.

Warmed Through and Through

Time out.  Spending two nights with a friend at her ocean side cottage. No plans.  This day leisurely unfolding before me.   A blustery winter storm playing out on the other side of the huge picture window.  Logs crashing.  Gulls soaring.  Cedars dancing.  So cosy inside.  Warmed by a wood burning fireplace.  Meditating on the wind and waves. Relaxation and peacefulness infusing the space.  Truly grateful for this friendship.  Relishing in the luxury of such a generous opportunity.         

Ribbons of Life

When contemplating our existence, I frequently see dancing ribbons. An image that has repeatedly appeared in my mind's eye.  All of us shown as beautiful thin bands of richly coloured silk.  Drifting horizontally beside, below, above one another.  Unaware of any beginning or end.  Each ribbon representing a spirit's path over many lifetimes.  Interacting with each other in wavelike motions.  At times moving closer.  Periodically touching.  Followed by floating a little further apart.  Experiencing the space.  An oft repeated cycle.  Weaving a dynamic tapestry together. 

Mother Daughter Moment

Enjoying a cherished mother daughter moment yesterday.  In a beautifully appointed tea house not far from home.  Serene inviting atmosphere.  Spending time together.  This morning, reflecting on a very poignant mother daughter experience with my own mom.  Fifteen years ago.  Spending an afternoon seated side by side.  Each in our own comfortable recliners.  Chatting about this and that.  Warm attentive staff hovering about.  In the chemo clinic at our local hospital.  Each receiving our own unique life prolonging elixirs.  The two doctors coincidentally scheduling our treatments for the same time.  An image that will stay with me always.  Today recognizing the similarities amidst the stark contrasts of those two experiences.  Mothers and daughters connecting.

Looking Forward

Cold temperatures.  Early snowfall.  Christmas invitations beginning to arrive.  Craft fairs well underway.  Decorations filling shop windows. Propelling me forward into the holiday season.  Anticipating taking in magical outdoor light displays, hearing carols, decorating our home, hosting friends and family.  Purchasing a minimal amount of presents. Preferring to focus on the festivities.  As always, carefully selecting where and when to invest time and energy.  Choosing enjoyment over stress.  Knowing some aspects of the celebrations will look quite different this year.  Looking forward to the season nevertheless. 

Amusing Delivery

Sorting through the day's mail.  Coming across an oversized envelope addressed to my son.  Mike Gibson.  Tearing it open.  Discovering a Tiffany & Co. holiday catalogue inside.  From the famous jewellery store.  Chuckling to myself.  Unable to recall ever receiving one addressed to our home.  Flipping through pages adorned with images of pricey gift items.  Set against the renowned robin egg blue background. Wondering about his name being included on this mailing list. Thinking about his nature, even as a young child.  Very much a romantic.  This booklet perhaps connected to the level their relationship had progressed to around Valentine's Day this year.  Never knowing. Only imagining.  Finding it quite amusing.

All Three Coming Through

Another magnificent evening.  Attending a mediumship demonstration at ISA.  All three coming through together.  Silently asking for this scenario before the session began.  Michael doing all the talking.  Kelly standing quietly by his side.  Diesel there with them too.  Appearing in order to share messages.  The medium transmitting the information. Suggesting getting out more.  Checking out the support group again. Spending less time home alone.  Wanting to see me happy.  Michael radiating powerful energy affirming the loving connection we share. Smiling that million dollar smile.  Reminding me of the deep bond we have.  Pointing out he knows it is something I still very much feel. Mentioning that missing them is understandable.  Particularly considering how recently it all occurred.  All of this information creating a slight shift.  Carrying me forward again.  Smiling.  Feeling positive and uplifted.  Much lighter in my heart.

Easier?

People occasionally asking, "Is it getting easier yet?"  Finding myself wondering what that even means.  Easier?  Implying less difficult, less pain, less discomfort.  Unsure how to answer.  What are we measuring? Eight months into grieving the loss of a child.   The phrase WTF still surfacing many times a day.  Not experiencing a single wakeful hour without thinking of him.  Of them.  An improvement over every few minutes.  Does this qualify?  Overall, understanding the question to be a form of caring.  Wondering how things are going.  Innocently asking. Truthfully answering, "As well as can be expected". 

Life-Affirming

Such good fortune.  Meeting up one recent morning with a friend on the seawall.  Walking and talking for hours.  Spending that afternoon with two of Kelly's closest friends.  Sharing stories and memories.  The following day, seeing Michael's best friend.  Dropping by here for a short visit.  Later, feasting with my husband and another couple. Making tentative vacation plans over an exquisite evening meal. Yesterday, walking the leaf strewn trail with one daughter and her puppy.  Relishing the energies of the sun and wind together.  Today, meeting up for a late lunch with the other.  Spending precious time with one another.  Numerous life-affirming moments over the course of a few days.  Giving much needed balance to the melancholy ones. 

Love Letters

Sunday mornings.  Time for our weekly love letters.  Most weeks, but not all.  My husband and I taking turns posing one question to answer separately.  Sometimes emotional topics leading to heartfelt discussion. "What do I like most about our marriage and why?" or "What is the nicest thing you've done for me this week and how do I feel about that?". Often in the more quirky realm.  "If you were a bird, what kind would you be and why?" or "What was your favourite comfort food as a child and how did it make you feel?".  Writing for ten minutes max. Exchanging our answers.  Reading through each other's letters twice before commenting.  Spending a few minutes sharing our thoughts on what we have discovered.  Continuing to reveal something of our essence to each other.  Each and every time.  Often to ourselves as well. Committing to this activity fourteen years ago after attending a workshop together.  One I was directed to in my sleep.  The name of it spelled out in large white capital letters many times over the course of the night.  All these years and hundreds of letters later.  Helping this relationship stay fresh and alive.