Labyrinth Insights

Located in a dark gym, last week's solstice labyrinth was erected using seven hundred small paper bags, each containing a candle, placed about a foot apart on the floor.  I entered the complex, winding route with one simple intention: to be open to receive.  Proceeding with clear mind, soft gaze and measured steps, the poignant insights and appreciated reminders arrived.   
✪ There are many lights in my life including my husband, daughters, son-in-laws, granddaughter, brother, good friends, and extended family. 
✪  Michael's light and mine both shine brightly enough to touch each other, and in this way, we are never apart. 
✪ Passing by the people walking towards me along this path full of twists and turns, I was reminded that we are all proceeding towards enlightenment at our own pace, in our own way.
✪ One light is of great value and able to make a huge difference, however, many lights functioning together have the potential to create something greater than the sum of its parts. 
Halfway through this walking meditation I intuitively brought my hands together in prayer, and held them thus 'til the end, symbolizing connection to all, visible and invisible - to the others in the room, to those who had gone before me, to those yet to come.  Our lights were all shining together, producing one bigger and brighter light. Upon leaving, I felt gratitude for the numerous volunteers who had conceived, produced, and administered this labyrinth.  The vibrational rates of the hundreds and hundreds of people wandering this path were raised, helping to elevate humanity as a whole.  Returning outdoors, I felt connected to all that is, and today, I hold this experience in my soul as I prepare to step into the new year. 

Love and Gratitude

Two stockings now hang by the fireplace, my husband's and mine.  After some discussion, we decided to reinstate this tradition, having given it a pass last year.  There is some ambivalence here for me;  I am glad that we are brave enough to try this out, but experience a pang in my heart each time I notice the one that is not here.  Much of today will be spent lovingly preparing Christmas Eve dinner for the sixteen of us celebrating here tonight.  However, there is also time set aside for meditation this afternoon, ensuring that I connect on that deeper level with my son.  Later, two special candles will be lit -  ones standing sentry beside a photo of Michael and Kelly.  And as these emotionally charged days unfold,  I will continue to focus on gratitude and the abundance of love.  This is what nourishes me and enables joy to shine through.

Winter's Light

Winter has blown in with the promise of longer days, and shorter nights.  Tonight will find me in the city, wandering through a winter solstice labyrinth, created with over 700 candles.  A perfect way to celebrate the light within, as well as illuminate all the joy and love that surrounds me.   

Loving Support

Trimming the little tree with my family at Boal Memorial yesterday morning, experiencing the intense highs and lows of love.  Ever grateful for traditions such as this, which serve to anchor me.  Mindfully breathing deeply into my heart to balance what is here, and what is not. Lighting the candles and cuddling the baby.  Six of us singing an enthusiastic rendition of "O Tannenbaum."  Laughing as we stumbled through the lyrics.  In my mind's eye, through all of this, seeing Michael and Kelly working hard in the unseen, offering comfort to the newest little angels who have just arrived.  Embracing them with loving arms, helping them settle into that space where souls meet.  Together, all of us supporting one another with love.

Gift of Happiness

Taking advantage of the dry weather yesterday afternoon, my daughters, granddaughter, and I, headed over to the outdoor German Christmas Market.  Bundled up against the cold, warm beverages in hand, we wandered from stall to stall, appreciating the European wares, festive decorations, and delicious fare.  While holding the baby, I watched my daughters conferring with each other over possible stocking stuffers for their husbands, and felt deeply connected to my maternal lineage, both present and past.  Many years ago, as a young mother, I had visited a similar market in Germany, with my mother and her sister.  Here, as the Oma, out with my daughters and granddaughter, I recognized that the cultural and hereditary connections of women in my family were very much alive.  After saying our goodbyes, I arrived home, and while unpacking the white dove I had purchased for my tree, I was aware that every cell in my body felt fully activated.  It had been quite some time since I felt this way, and as I searched for the word to best describe this state, it eventually dawned on me: Happiness.  A simple outing, resulting in a cherished gift, that serves to sustain me today.    

A Hummingbird's Gifts

December 6th.  This date eliciting happy childhood memories of annual Nikolaus celebrations, together with other German speaking families. Today, unpacking Christmas boxes, while holding my granddaughter in my arms.  Sorting through countless ornaments and decorations.  Coming across my son's stocking.  Wondering what I might do with it. Something or nothing?  Trying to keep the anxiety at bay.  Focusing on the beauty in my life.  Then, glancing out the kitchen window.  Noticing a precious hummingbird landing on the nearby feeder.  These exquisite birds symbolizing so much.  Incorporated into legends and myths throughout the Americas.  When in flight, wingtips tracing out the infinity sign.  Messengers between worlds, representing immortality. Bringing uplifting energies of hope, joy, healing, and love.  This tiny creature filling my heart, and nourishing my spirit.   Sharing treasured gifts by its mere presence.

Undoing Moments

Back home.  Upon awakening, planning to commit this entire day to working on my book.  Optimistically anticipating finishing the edits of the final entries, then sending them off for proofing.  Moments after rereading my original post of the one year anniversary, the phone rings.  It is a collection agency asking for Michael Gibson.  I explain that my son died over a year and a half ago.  The woman expresses her condolences and requests the obituary or death certificate for confirmation.  I agree, hang up, and take care of it immediately.  Tears falling.  Will these undoing moments ever end?  Minutes later, it occurs to me that this is an agency I have never heard of, and has likely been given an old file from one of the initial organizations I dealt with last year.  I want to minimize these out-of-the-blue, heart wrenching incidents.  I call the agency back, and get a different representative.  I tell her that a few weeks after Michael died,  I received invoices addressed to him, regarding money he owed.  At the time, I called the companies involved, then sent copies of his death certificate.  I ask this agent where this particular file has come from.  I want to understand why they do not have the information that he is dead.  In a very aggressive tone, she informs me that she is not able to discuss those details.  She goes on to say that it is all protected by third-party federal regulations, blah, blah, blah.  These last three words, not hers, but rather, what I hear.  I try rephrasing my question.  In an unkind manner, she interrupts to inform me she cannot help.  Then, hangs up on me.  Hopefully, she never has to deal with the death of her child.  Perhaps she will find an alternate path to gaining some compassion. 

Grave Secret

While awaiting a recent flight home.  Standing in line at airport security, after snaking back and forth between the numerous banded posts.  Noticing three men wind their way towards me.  Two in their late eighties, along with one of middle age.  Overhearing snippets of their conversation, as they pass by.  Learning two are father and son. Gleaning all three to be churchgoers.  The younger one mentioning how wonderful it is that he lives so close to his place of worship.  They then moving away from me, along the length of the line, only to return again. This time, in a grave voice, one of the older men revealing, "I kept it a secret until he died."  Arriving at the front of the line, I get waved up to place personal items on the conveyor belt.  Leaving the men behind, my mind does somersaults.  Who was it?  What was their relationship?  Was it church related?  Why did he feel it needed to be kept secret?  Were there unintended consequences?  What price did he pay?  I will never know the circumstances of this particular situation. My heart hoping he is at peace with it now.

Thanksgiving Trailer Style

Spending the final week of our trailer trip here in sunny Palm Springs.  My husband choosing this deluxe RV resort for us to stay in, before heading home.  Manicured gardens, hundreds of palm trees, numerous birds, and gracious staff.  Enjoying a run this morning, followed by a long swim in one of the two outdoor pools after lunch.  Looking forward to a complimentary turkey meal with all the trimmings, at the clubhouse later on.  Celebrating American Thanksgiving.  How easy it is to be thankful in such opulence.  And yet, while relaxing in a lounge chair on the patio, overhearing complaints from some fellow guests nonetheless.  Most of them travelling in large, luxurious units.  Usually pulling an additional vehicle.  One commenting on how dreadful the next four years will be, referring to the political situation.  Another holding court in the hot tub, with his hard luck story of a having a flat tire.  A third seriously annoyed by the flies.   Leaving me tempted to work in that classic line of,  "My diamond slippers are getting too small,"  during dinner conversation, between the stuffing and the pie.              

Spirit Connection

So heartening to hear more and more people relaying personal experiences regarding connection with spirit.  Including some from folks who have had very little, if any, previous contact of this sort.  From individuals close to me, as well as from some I have never met.  Without prompting, feeling motivated to tell their stories to friends and acquaintances.  This week, learning of three episodes in just one day.
The first, during a phone conversation with a friend.  She explaining the scenario that just occurred while fretting over a hefty strata levy on her apartment.  One slated to coincide with her imminent retirement. While contemplating the implications of this, she clearly hearing Michael's voice announcing, "It's just money."  Something he would definitely say.
The second, while stopping by a local business.  A friend on staff there telling me about witnessing an incident in New York.  She and her running buddy travelling there for the recent marathon, only to have it cancelled due to the severe storm.  The two making the best of it, by going for a run through Central Park.   En route, my friend noticing her companion's tears.  The running partner explaining that during this jog, she had just engaged in a very real conversation with her mother, a woman who passed many years ago.  During the dialogue, mom was seated in her favourite chair, with her daughter kneeling before her, sharing photos of New York.  This companion previously closed to the possibilities of such communication.  Now, more open to receiving this message likely due to the natural disaster, and devastating circumstances in her environment.  Her mother's spirit taking the opportunity of a slight crack in the armour.  
The third, via the internet, from a young woman writing about her powerful interactions with Mike and Kelly's spirits.  Two people she had not met before their passing.  Seeing and hearing them clearly now. Wanting to spread the messages of everlasting love and connection to all.
I am joyfully noting these encouraging signs of stronger and more frequent spirit contact.  Firmly believing they add to our collective sense of peace and contentment. 

Supportive Energy

Our time in Sedona was coming to an end, and we had yet to explore the most photographed landscape in the region, that of Red Rock Crossing, adjacent to Cathedral Rock.  So, after parking the car, we followed the path along Oak Creek to Buddha Beach, where we came across hundreds of rock cairns -  on the forest floor, atop tree branches, on fallen logs, and out in the creek bed.  Red, beige, grey, and orange stones, in varying shapes and sizes, artfully balancing upon each other.  Wandering among them, I was inspired to try my hand at it.  Initially, I considered the idea of creating representations of my three children.  However, after picking up a round, grey rock, I realized I was forming a mother figure instead.  Complete with a heart-shaped stone balancing in her centre.  Then, leaving this gallery of love behind, we made our way over to the huge, red rock slab.  For my husband and I, this was the final one of the four Sedona vortexes left to experience.  Sites that are said to contain concentrated spiritual energy, each with specific energetic attributes described as masculine, feminine, or a combination of both.  After enjoying a simple picnic there, we decided it was time to open the sealed envelope we had been carrying around in our knapsack.  It had been given to me by one of Michael's friends the last time I was home.  She explained that she had hosted a New Year's Eve party in 1999 for a group of her thirteen-year-old friends.  They had each completed, then sealed, their own time capsule questionnaire, then left them at her home, to be opened together during their 2004 graduation year.  However, this project lay dormant until the envelopes were discovered this fall.  Now, in this peaceful space, my husband and I tugged open the flap of the one our son had signed, Mike G's.  Both of us silently reading the contents, beginning with the instruction at the top: Answer truthfully....no one will read this but you.  Going on to discover the words he chose to describe his life in that moment, as well as predictions of what may be.  Another priceless connection, thanks to the thoughtfulness of this friend.  After returning to our vehicle, I was curious about the nature of this particular vortex.  I was not surprised to read it was the only one with solely feminine energy.  Of course it was.

Día de los Muertos

Exactly a year after writing about Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) festivities, I happened upon these celebrations in a Mexican area of Sedona, Arizona this week.  With its powerful underlying spiritual energies, this town is an excellent place to experience such a heartfelt event.  Trees adorned with colourful ribbons and flags.  Hundreds of decorative skulls and skeletons prominently displayed.  A number of individuals dressed in ornate costumes wandering amidst musicians and dancers.  Everyone given the opportunity to honour deceased loved ones by placing candles and photos on altars strewn with marigolds and rose petals.  The public invited to paint on a collaborative community mural.  Together creating a vibrant atmosphere filled with love and uplifting energy for all to absorb.  Not without a few tears of course, but rewarded with hearts revived.

Champagne Birthday

My official 'Champagne Birthday' occurred when I turned two, well before I knew of such a thing.  Not wanting to miss an opportunity to imbibe this exquisite beverage, I decided to celebrate another version of this event, based on the year, rather than the day.  Even going so far as to pack two flutes in the trailer before we left.  Born in '56, I am raising a glass of bubbly to turning 56 today.  A virtual toast to my family and friends - thank you for being the best gifts in my life!

What's in a Name?

Many of my younger friends and acquaintances are welcoming little ones into the world.  Such an exciting time.  Early on, one of the big decisions is choosing a suitable name.  When our baby boy was born, all those years ago, we settled on Michael James Gibson, ten days later.  As he grew older, most of his family and friends began using the shorter form, Mike.  However, I made a point of calling him Michael.  When he was in his mid-teens, I explained why.  The two versions of the name each have their own unique energies, and consequently, affect personality and character differently.  Going by Mike potentially means having a harder time of it, versus answering to Michael.  Obviously, there are many factors outside of a person's first name, impacting one's life path.  Nonetheless, when I discovered this information, I decided it couldn’t hurt.  When recently flipping through the book describing all this in detail, I noticed the name Kelly listed in the same classification as Mike.  Out of a possible 81 distinct categories, including 1058 culturally diverse names, these two were in a group of a dozen monikers, sharing identical energetic influences.  Another curious coincidence in the lives of those two. 

Pure and Precious Moments

After spending a few hours playing with Kennedy, as well as cuddling her, feeding her, bathing her, and kissing her a thousand times over, here I sit, writing in my daughter's home.  Happily babysitting. The only sounds, other than the clicking of the keyboard, are ones of breathing.  Here in the family room, mine, and those of the two dogs curled up on their cushions before me.  Via the baby monitor, those my granddaughter makes while sleeping upstairs in her crib.  Feeling blessed to be passing my Saturday night this way.  With a full heart, experiencing life's most pure and precious moments.  Smiling as I consider how amusing it would be trying to explain this to my younger self.  

Divine Illumination

Waking with lingering impressions of a particularly clear and poignant dream.  In it, travelling with the trailer, just as we currently are.  However, in this scenario, stopping en route for a short layover at our cabin.  Running into one of Michael's friends who actually lives in that area.  Asking me if he and a buddy could spend the night with us, in our cottage.  Explaining that it is a little too hectic at his family's home right now.  Replying, "Of course, anytime."  Sensing this young man's compassionate nature, while receiving his  big bear hug from behind.  He wanting to know how I was doing.  Assuring him that I was well, and thanking him for inquiring.  A short time later, all of us relaxing around the fire outdoors.  Soon after,  his sister unexpectedly stopping by with a gift.  Extending her hand, and offering me a ring.  Mentioning that when first spotting it, she had instantly known it was meant for me.  A perfect, round stone, mounted upon a smooth gold band.  Somewhat pearl-like in appearance.  Its lower half, slate grey in colour.  The upper portion, glowing brilliant white.  Immediately understanding the powerful symbolism.  Even with, or possibly due to, underlying darkness, there exists in life an equal measure of beauty and light.  This dream casting divine illumination on the day ahead. 

Integrating Ideas and Choices

Off on an extended road trip.  My husband and I leaving to explore southwestern regions of the USA.  Bob's Idea; the impetus behind this adventure, as well as the name of our newly acquired trailer. Happy to go along for the ride.  With the understanding that I will be flying home without him a couple of times during this journey, in order to visit my granddaughter.  Before departing, mentioning this aspect of the expedition to others.  Unexpectedly, meeting up with bewilderment on occasion.  Some friends, even close relatives, unable to fathom this personal requirement.  Knowing me to be someone who has loved extensive travel in the past.  However, I am currently finding long trips away unappealing.  Open to the possibility that this may change in the future.  Confidently making the choice that makes sense in the present. 

Exquisite Encounter

Sitting cross-legged on the outdoor sofa, composing a passage for my book.  Inching closer towards publication; the twin energies of passion and heartbreak my constant companions.  While running in the canyon earlier in the day, reiterating to Michael my desire that he stay close.  To bolster my spirit, and continue assisting me with this work.  Now, fleshing out a piece regarding the shared floral arrangement on display at both his and Kelly's services.  Taking me back to those two very difficult days.  Ten minutes into this process, noticing a hummingbird approaching the nearby feeder.  Then, watching in amazement as it continued flying straight past the feeder, making its way under the glass roof, towards the French doors.  Following a direct path, there and back, in a stop-and-start fashion.  Parallel to the couch, within arm's reach, the entire time.  Before leaving the enclosed space, turning towards me, and hovering close to my face.  Pausing there for quite some time, indulging me in a tête-à-tête.  Then, returning to the trees.  Leaving me filled with awe and gratitude.  Over the course of the afternoon, repeatedly returning to check on me.  Each time, stopping in close proximity for several moments, before flying away.  Another unique experience reassuring me of the universe's support.  This exquisite one-to-one encounter a magical response to my original request.

Diluted Experiences

Sharing a meal with family.  Sipping coffee with a friend.  Walking the dog.  Spending time at the playground with a child.  Out on a date with a lover.  Various scenarios offering invaluable possibilities for meaningful connection and engagement.  In the course of a day, observing individuals in each of these situations opting to dilute the experiences.  Choosing to direct energy and attention to lengthy cell phone communication with others instead.  Distracting them from the gift of the here and now.  Leaving me to wonder if they would consider taking up the challenge of being fully present.  Putting down the phone during those precious moments.  Embracing the opportunity to pick up their life instead.

The Power of Intention

Thankful for this week's occurrence of receiving nocturnal wisdom. Gaining understanding by way of clear, concise information.  Not dreaming.  No interpretation required.  Rather, having a sense of tapping into the universe's vault of knowledge.  Regarding my relationship with a loved one.  Where frustration had been building. Feeling confused on how to deal with it.  Deciding to take time for meditation.  Specifically, asking for clarity on achieving resolution. While sleeping later that night, fully experiencing the information, not just seeing it.  Finding myself placed in a frustrating situation.  Actually walking the path to unhappiness and dismay.  Then, being repositioned to the beginning of exactly the same scene.  However, this time taking steps along an alternate route.  Resulting in contentment and acceptance.  Immediately aware that the variable responsible for determining the outcome was the intention I was holding within.  In the first scenario, acting on the assumption that the outcome would be unsatisfactory and disappointing.  In the second, feeling optimistic that it was unfolding in a hopeful and loving way.  A powerful and timely reminder that how I experience something is simply up to me. 
  

Opposite Sides of the Same Coin

Eighteen months in and still, most moments in my day are filtered through the lens of losing my son.  Thankfully, a little less frequently, and for the most part, with reduced intensity.  Two recent experiences in particular come to mind.  Both nonevents to an outsider, yet milestones for me.  Firstly, the entire twenty-four hours of August 7th passed without registering the significance of that date at all.  The first time, since March 7th, when I did not reflect upon a one month marker. Largely due to being out of the country and in a completely different time zone.  While observing this the following morning, I was enheartened. Pleasantly surprised.  Secondly, later that month, after an evening of exploring Zurich with a Swiss friend, I returned to my hotel room.  It was only then when I realized that not once had I thought of the loss during that entire six hour excursion.  The longest stretch by far during this year and a half.  In both cases, it was recognizing the absence of something that left me feeling encouraged.  Seeing what was not there. Experiencing opposite sides of the same coin.  This coin most definitely a penny.

Spirited Balloon

On this gorgeous sunny morning, picturing a fully inflated, brightly coloured, helium balloon.  Imagining myself tying a message to its string before releasing it into the sky.  Limiting it to just one sentence. Taking a few moments to consider what that might be.  The perfect words showing up soon after.  "I am grateful for the set of attributes that I have come into this life with, and for all the experiences I have had to date, which together enable me to continue gaining wisdom and achieving growth in this lifetime."  Feeling confident in this spirited balloon's ability to carry my weighted words despite its seemingly delicate appearance. 

Silent Screams

Experiencing total relaxation.  For mind, body, and soul.  Upon waking, allowing each day to comfortably unfold.  Choosing to make only minimal plans in advance.  Savouring an espresso on the deck. Practicing yoga outdoors.  Meditating in the warm breeze.  Hiking in the shade of the woods, or in the full sun along the alpine trails. Devouring simple picnics or elaborate restaurant offerings.  Falling asleep under a feather duvet, to the soothing sounds of the mountain stream nearby.  And yet, still hearing the silent screams in my mind. Accompanying me on this journey across the ocean.  Loud and clear. My psyche continuing to process the loss in minuscule pieces.  On that deepest level, wisely accepting only tiny fragments of the situation at a time.  Just as nature intended.  Leading me to consider Edvard Munch's famous painting The Scream.  The artist creating a visual representation of the weather and surrounding landscape of that specific moment.  He sensing something deeper in this expression of nature.  He hearing a silent scream too.

Beautiful Butterflies

Before leaving for this trip, dropping off the rough draft of my book at a friend's.  A talented graphic designer and artist offering to help with layout and illustration.  Arranging to leave it with her to brainstorm various possibilities.  Sitting beside each other at her kitchen table.  Explaining the material I had gathered thus far.  Discussing potential themes and images.  Turning to the photo of a shelf in my living room.  One dedicated entirely to Michael and Kelly.  The display including photos, candles, feathers and other tokens.  Explaining the significance of each item aloud.  Then intentionally choosing to skip over one.  Thinking it was less important than the rest.  Seconds later, watching a yellow butterfly enter the room.  Coming in from outside through a small opening on the left side of the main window.  Located quite a distance from where we were working.  Flying closer, then circling around the back of my friend's head, continuing behind mine.  Then returning to the outdoors via the narrow opening on the far right side of that same picture window.  Again through a space no wider than my hand.  Executing a perfect C shaped flight.  Shaking my head in disbelief while witnessing this once in a lifetime experience.  Exclaiming my utter surprise to my friend.  Pointing out the one item on the shelf in the photo I had not bothered to mention.  A yellow fabric butterfly mounted upon a smooth stone.  A decoration that had originally been placed in the pot of an orchid plant.  Receiving this sympathy gift three weeks after the accident.  From the owner of a small shop I occasionally frequent.  Holding onto the ornament.  That plant long gone.  This trinket obviously just as valuable as all the others up there on that shelf.  That beautiful butterfly coming to show me just that. 

Gift of Wellness

Ensconced in a traditional Swiss house in the charming village of Klosters, high up in the alps.  An ongoing symphony of cow bells playing in the background.  Awakening to children from an adjoining apartment singing their scales.  Good friends generously offering us this opportunity to enjoy a few weeks of wellness.  Expansive meadows, cool mountain streams, colourful wild flowers, and stunning views right outside the door.  The slow pace here holding space to just be.  Grateful to be able to enjoy such a glorious gift.              

Fish Out of Water

At times, verbalizing the loss leaves me struggling to breathe.  Straining to fill my lungs with oxygen.  Imagining a fish would feel this way, if plucked from the sea, then tossed ashore.  Undergoing this sense of insufficient intake of life sustaining fuel.  Experiencing it particularly when speaking to a very close friend or loved one about the impact of his death.  When acknowledging aloud that the space he held in our family has lost its density.  My reaction indicating there is still much left to release from within.  Even after spending hundreds upon hundreds of hours writing about it.  Thinking about it.  Talking about it. Connecting with spirit about it.  The journey continues.  There is no shortcut.    

Colourful Confirmation

I am one of the fortunate.  Able to avail myself of the healthful benefits associated with massage therapy.  Luxuriating in the stress release and deep relaxation of this self care treatment.  My latest session leaving me feeling even more grateful than usual.  After completing an hour of hands-on treatment, the therapist spontaneously deciding to spend extra time engaging in energy work.  Gently moving her hands around my head, without physically touching me.  With my eyes closed, soon noticing a rectangular, round-cornered gemstone hovering in the vicinity of my third eye.  Appearing in the palest shade of blue possible, just shy of being white.  It eventually fading, only to be replaced with a jewel of equal size and shape, but tinted rich ruby red.  Thereafter, in smooth succession, each gem disappearing, with a new one emerging in yet another spectacular colour.  From deepest orange through brilliant yellow, vivid emerald green, cool sapphire, vibrant indigo, and lastly, to peaceful violet.  An extraordinary display.  After dressing, eagerly describing this magical experience to the practitioner.  While speaking, suddenly recognizing all the traditional chakra colours.  The first image containing all the colours, appearing almost white.  Then the seven representing root to crown, following sequentially.  She now explaining the silent intention she had set for the additional healing work.  That of concentrating specifically on the chakras.  Choosing this theme for a client only once or twice before in all these years.  This unexpected result pleasantly surprising the two of us.  Both in awe of receiving such colourful confirmation of predominantly unseen energy.

Feathery Appearance

Late afternoon.  Feeling an unexpected urge to begin jotting down the rough draft for this post.  Going with it even though I would be heading out shortly.  Positioning myself in the centre of the sofa, out on the back deck.  That entire area covered by a glass roof.  With a wall to my back and another to the right, this space open to the elements on only two sides.  Mere minutes into the process, noticing something drifting down beside me, then landing on this couch.  Directly to my right. Gazing down at a small, delicate, light grey feather.  No recollection of ever seeing one like this here before.  Immediately looking skyward to determine its origin.  Trying to make sense of a seemingly impossible occurrence.  Seconds later, putting two and two together.  At least an aspect of it.  Recalling my discovery of tiny white feathers on the morning of Michael and Kelly's accident.  Those, the same size as this one, just fuller.  Two of them lying there on the mat, just steps from this sofa.  This time around, recognizing it to be a sign from another young man.  One I did not know.  Dear to a close friend of mine.  She emailing me earlier in the day after having been informed of his accidental death due to being hit by a car.  Occurring two days prior to this correspondence.  Leaving her feeling overwhelming sadness and shock, at the ostensibly senseless nature of this event.  Now, while staring at this feather, suddenly remembering this same friend of mine sitting here with me earlier in the week.  On this very couch, on the very day that young man died.  Me on the left, she on the right.  Exactly where this tiny grey feather now lay.  Definitely not an accident. 

Precious Painted Rocks

A close friend of Kelly's calling to share a beautiful love story. Regarding an incident occurring at her recent outdoor wedding.  Held on the property of a lakeside summer camp for teen girls.  This bride-to-be having to adjust to the fact that Kelly would not be there as her maid of honour.  Something they had previously agreed upon.  Instead, incorporating little touches throughout the day to represent her friend as best she could.  Including the best man carrying a single rose during the ceremony.  Later, while mingling with her guests, being asked about the significance of the rose by someone unaware of the history. The bride briefly explaining the situation.  Moments later, her young niece, the flower girl, joining the group.  Wanting to show her aunt the treasure she had just found.  Discovering a hand painted rock lying on a pile of dirt, away from the crowds.  Golden in colour, with spots of blue, green and yellow paint scattered around the circumference.  The name Kelly spelled out in bold, black letters on the top!  What a gift.  An unmistakable sign.  Reassuring the bride of Kelly's presence on this very significant day.  Following our conversation, me recalling another special painted rock in existence personalized with Kelly's name.  From my oldest daughter's wedding, less than two years ago.  Stephanie and her friends decorating stones with glitter paint.  One for each guest, with both first and last name.  Using them as place settings at the dinner.  Kelly, like most of us, taking hers home as a keepsake. Precious painted rocks.  Symbolizing love, friendship, and  family connection. 

Heartfelt Request

Preparing for morning meditation.  Focusing on the breath.  Taking longer than usual to get settled.  Once there, asking Michael's spirit to please continue staying close.  Visualizing our energies interweaving while sitting in this stillness.  Breathing the essence of him into my heart.  Very much needing his daily help while navigating this journey. Strongly believing in the existence of a spiritual law providing the availability of long term support in circumstances such as this.  Part of the contract when engaging in the experience of a parent losing a child. The bond between these spirits remaining especially strong and deeply attached.  Continuing to put out this heartfelt request nevertheless. Knowing the onus is on us to invite this help in.  They not wanting to overstep their parameters.  Waiting for our expression of free will instead. 

Summer Storm

Wakening to a hot and sunny Okanagan morning yesterday.  Feeling the weight of the building thunderstorm.  Likely the reason behind the previous night's restless sleep.  Getting out for a long swim.  The first of the year.  After lunch, settling in on the mat, overlooking the lake. Practicing yin yoga.  The atmospheric pressure finally releasing in the form of thunder, lightening and heavy rain.  This summer storm playing out all around me.  Breathing in that cooler, moist, sweet summer air.  Simultaneously releasing deep internal tension while holding those long poses.  Soon after, witnessing a magnificent rainbow.  Reflecting the very colours of the chakras.  Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.  Grateful for such a rich and vibrant day.

I ♡ U

Immersing myself in the creative process of producing the book.  Based on that first year.  With such great support.  Currently collecting images to consider including therein.  Flipping through photos taken from Michael's camera.  All printed off a few weeks after he died.  Coming across one I had completely forgotten about.  Having first seen it long before the ongoing penny theme became evident.  This picture capturing a loving message.  Spelled out with these copper coloured coins upon a tabletop.  I ♡ U.  Feeling the love behind it.  Adding a layer of understanding.  Shedding light on this theme.  Now recognizing that it began long before the end.  

Moving On?

Moving on.  Well-meaning individuals tossing versions of this phrase into conversations.  With regards to grieving the death of my son.  "I'm glad to see you're moving on."  Implying leaving something behind.  As if putting it somewhere in the past is the answer.  Not relating to that concept at all.  Not moving anywhere.  Living with it.  Choosing to be in the present as much as possible.  Experiencing what is, right now. Extremely sad that Michael is gone.  Beyond description.  Living with that reality.  This not something that can change.  At the same time, loving the presence of my granddaughter.  Lucky enough to be kissing and holding her often.  Appreciating that immensely.  Grief and joy co-existing daily.  One not precluding the other.  Moving on?  Not part of the equation.

Comforting Communication

Enjoying a glass of wine in these waning moments of this summer solstice evening.  Alone with lights dimmed.  Cherishing the warm glow of a beautifully decorated candle.  One covered in a delicate swirling pattern of sage and coral.  Sitting here reflecting on the moving events at the ISA tonight.  Receiving a message from my son.  Him describing a forest scene with sun shining through the trees.  Exactly where I had been running this morning.  Making reference to our communication there.  Something we always engage in.  Expressing his joy in being able to stay connected.  Passing on encouragement.   Knowing I need it.  My mother coming through as well.  Later, taking my turn up on the platform.  Practising mediumship.  Bringing a message through for someone else in the audience.  Thankful to be learning to serve in this way.  Then upon leaving, speaking to a woman whom I had never met.  Learning she is also living with the experience of losing a child.  Finding great comfort in our conversation.  Both of us wondering aloud what this journey would look like without the spiritual awareness.  Agreeing it would likely be very grim indeed.  Instead, so grateful to know what we know.

Impressive Shot

Another amazing unexplainable occurrence.  Out on the golf course for the MGMG tournament last weekend.  Playing a Texas Scramble format.  In a foursome including one of Mike's friends, a cabin neighbour.  The two of them spending much time together over the years.  Including occasionally golfing together on this same course. This young man, a passable golfer, now teeing off at #7, our final hole. Taking his drive with a Nike brand ball.  Pulling the shot, causing the ball to veer off to the left.  Assuming to find it less than a third of the way down this 435 yard fairway, somewhere in the rough.  All four of us searching for quite some time, without any luck.  Finally leaving it, and finishing out that hole.  Then both carts making their way back to the clubhouse to meet up with all the others who had already completed the course.  His sister and I leading the way along the #8 fairway.  Spotting a ball up ahead.  Lying out in plain view.  Driving closer to investigate. Realizing it was a Nike ball!  Doing the math.  Coming up short.  What we were looking at seemed impossible.  Well over 5o0 yards to this spot. At least 150 yards further than a pro would make.  The second cart soon joining us.  The young man confirming it was his ball.  All of us looking at each other, completely dumbfounded.  A sign from Mike to his friend?  One currently going through some personal challenges. The four of us returning to the parking lot.  Sharing our story with fellow golfers.  Trying to comprehend the experience.  Laughing at the playfulness and impressive nature of that event.

Taking Flight

Spending the day at the cabin alone.  Finishing up some chores.  Then relaxing in the sun.  Basking in the loving energy of the weekend. Feeling its imprint upon this space.  At its peak, seventy-one of us gathering to share old memories.  Creating many new ones as well. The last of the group leaving this morning.  Those baby birds who had been chirping in the birdhouse all weekend deciding it was time as well. Taking their first flight this afternoon.  Embarking on the next experience before them.  Leaving the comfort and safety of the nest behind.

Bird on a Wire

As the saying goes, it is often the little things.  Walking along the mountainside power line trail.  Tail wagging Gulliver eagerly accompanying me.  Light rain with cool temperatures.  Definitely not uplifting weather.  With each step, carrying the emotional weight of preparing for the upcoming golf tournament.  Appreciating how wonderful it will be to all spend time together.  Simultaneously acknowledging the complex feelings it brings to the fore.  Midway along the journey, slowing down to send a message to the universe. Gazing skyward while humbly requesting dry weather for the weekend. Seconds later noticing a tiny bird perched high above.  On one of the electrical wires.  Suspended more than fifteen metres above the earth. Recognizing it to be an exquisite hummingbird.  Fluffing its feathers. Putting on quite a show.  Instantly sensing a shift in my disposition. Welcoming this reoccurring symbol of connection.  So grateful to be noticing it.  Very much appreciating its presence.  This small being making a huge impact.  With a lighter heart and bounce in my step, sending a smile of thanks for this magnificent moment.

Reconnecting

Attending a funeral at Boal Memorial last Tuesday.  For the mother of one of Mike and Kelly's good friends.  First time back in that chapel since Michael's service.  So many familiar faces.  Seeing Kelly's family, along with numerous young men and women experiencing that great loss last year.  Personally finding great comfort in reconnecting with them all.  Despite the sad circumstances.  Then later, flowers in hand, walking up the pathway into the forest alone.  Towards the two plaques positioned side by side on the wall.  Surprised and thoroughly heartened by the sight of so many of Kelly and Mike's friends already there. Followed by many more joining in.  Recounting stories.  Some tears. And laughter.  Punctuated by quiet reflection.  All acutely feeling loss. Then one young woman reaching down to the ground.  Picking up a penny lying beside a pot of flowers.  Directly in front of the plaques. Holding up the coin to show me.  The two of us shaking our heads in amazement.  Sharing a smile.  Recognizing and appreciating the ongoing marvels.

Bittersweet Day

Sitting here in the dark.  Well after midnight now.  Writing by the light of two small candles glowing beside my son's picture on the shelf. Earlier this evening, enjoying a leisurely family dinner here.  With everyone pitching in.  A few hours later, the girls, their husbands, the baby, and my friend all going home.  Now still experiencing that familiar bittersweet state.  Pleasure tinged with sadness.  Present from the planning and preparation right through to the clean up.  Lingering in my heart long after.  Every time.  Recognizing it earlier this afternoon.  While walking along the river trail.  The notion, "My heart breaks many times a day," presenting itself.  Aptly describing ones such as this.

We ♥ U

Driving up to the cabin again.  Only our second time this year.  That familiar underlying apprehension gaining momentum while nearing Princeton.  Then rounding that bend.  Approaching the cross.  Spotting huge bursts of colour around the base.  Curiosity quickly replacing the anxiety.  Drawing closer to see a multitude of brilliant silk flowers. What a magnificent surprise.  Stopping the car to take it all in.  Various shades of yellow, blue, pink, orange, red, and purple.  Artfully arranged blossoms around a purple and yellow hand painted sign.  We ♥ U Kelly + Mike.  Their friend creating a lasting expression of her feelings.  Not Rest in Peace or You are Missed.  Choosing to focus on love instead.  Uplifting energy to counter some of the sadness.  The ripple effect of this heartfelt gesture impacting others.  The two of us turning to smile at each other.  And carrying on with lighter hearts.

I'm Right Here

Enjoying a dynamic conversation with a young woman recently. Someone I had never spoken to.  She initiating the contact.  Calling me after receiving prompting by spirit.  Not personally acquainted with Michael or Kelly before they passed.  Only hearing of their existence from a friend.  Now on the phone with me, relaying experiences of spirit connection.  The first occurring on the eve of the memorial golf tournament last June.  Spending the night with two friends.  Sleeping in a home with a connection to Kelly.  Waking to her legs being shaken.  With powerful energy.  Sitting up and noticing a young man standing at the foot of the bed.  Hearing him say, "I'm right here." Observing a young woman quietly standing nearby.  Understanding she was seeing Mike and Kelly.  People she had never met.  In the morning, discussing it with friends who had known the two.  Receiving confirmation about what she had surmised.  A second incident occurring last week.  A voice suggesting, "You need to talk to my mom." Again recognizing Mike.  Unsure of the reason behind the advise. Listening to her intuition.  Following through.  Not long into our conversation, understanding why.  Later, conveying a related incident to her.  Describing the experience my husband had around that time last year.  Being roused from his sleep.  By a voice speaking those exact same three words.  "I'm right here."  Feeling his son standing at the foot of the bed!  All of these occurrences showing further evidence of eternal existence.  These individuals open to experiencing it.  In love and light. 

The Illusion of Secrets

Attending a Celebration of Life for a fond old family friend a few days ago.  Passing after eight decades here on earth.  A man who had been part of my life since early childhood.  His family, my family and a third one spending so much time with each other.  Three newlywed couples immigrating to Canada as young adults.  Embarking on new lives here. Soon raising children together.  Resulting in three families closely intertwined.  Picnics, camping trips, sleepovers, house parties, and holidays together.  Then abruptly, eleven years later, contact ceasing between our family and the third one.  No longer allowed to play with their daughter.  Severing the relationship between our brothers as well. Confusing times.  No one explaining why.  Then decades later, experiencing a powerful vision while napping on the couch.  Shedding light on what had transpired.  Mentioning it to my mother.  She confirming the details.  Giving her an opportunity to share the hurt still felt by that betrayal.  Adultery.  A painful family secret revealed.  Now running into my former playmate at the service.  Seeing each other again for the first time in forty-four years.  Discussing the situation of broken ties.  She only now learning of the reason why.  The ripple affect of the choices made by those two individuals long ago still reverberating in the universe.  For any number of reasons, neither accepting full responsibility for those actions in this lifetime.  Perhaps caught up in the mighty illusion of secrets.  Obliging them to carry the weight of those decisions into subsequent incarnations.

Spa Time

A friend and I recently spending time together at an outdoor spa in the woods.  One year after our inaugural visit.  Luxuriating in three hours of pure relaxation.  Coexisting in silence.  Mindfully moving from one experience to another.  Enjoying a predominantly meditative state. Fully embracing the sensation of being, rather than doing.  Soaking in the pools.  Reposing in steam and sauna. Reclining in deck chairs beside the stone fire pit, bundled up in white terry robes.  Tears of gratitude rolling down my cheeks while reflecting on the abundance in my life. Later, some of sadness while lounging near the forest's edge.  Emotions mirroring the weather.  Billowing clouds, cool breezes, sunny breaks, and rain showers.  Observing a marked difference between this year's visit and last.  This time around achieving a much deeper sense of contentment and bliss.

Cherished Gift

Transitioning from there to here, swiftly and safely.  Beautiful baby Kennedy arriving mere hours ago.  A little girl, just as the pendulum had indicated months ago.  My heart overflowing with love and joy in the presence of her perfection.  Listening to those precious sounds of contentment as she nestled near her mother's breast.  Seeing her father's face reflect great wonder and delight.  Smelling her softness in my arms.  So very grateful for this cherished gift of a granddaughter. Welcome to our family little one.  You have chosen well.  

The Dance Continues

Ten years ago today.  My mother leaving her physical self behind.   Returning wholly to spirit form.  Continuing to connect on that level. Coming through again last week.  Sending encouragement regarding a current project.   Reminding me of our eternal link.  Sensing her unconditional love and support while awaiting the arrival of our newest family member.  Baby Parker due in exactly one week.  These ribbons of existence continuing to perform their extraordinary dance.   

Time to Bloom

Later today, co-facilitating an evening session of well-being for a small group.  Two of us combining our interests, wanting to share our passions.  Leading participants through relaxing yoga poses and intuitive development activities.  A perfect combination.  The concept leaping into my awareness while swimming lengths a few weeks ago. Set in motion days later, and now finally here.  Not without some accompanying doubt and anxiety along the way.  This morning, shown a powerful image during mediation.  Seeing a simple flower with its long graceful stem lying horizontally along the ground.  Then slowly rising to a fully vertical position.  Clearly symbolizing growth and time to bloom.   All the preparation enabling it to now stand strong and sure. This magnificent experience giving me exactly the reassurance that was needed.

Emotional Tasks

Tasks relating to Michael's life continuing to weave their way through mine.  More than a year after his passing.  Finding a new home for his prized mountain bike.  Check.  Collecting and submitting his final income tax return.  Check.  As a group, completing the puzzle he and Kelly had begun.  Check.  None of these undertakings particularly daunting, yet a significant emotional charge accompanying each one. Processing them on a visceral level.  Calling for another expenditure of emotional energy.  The reserves of which still running low.  And so it goes.

Thirteen Months

Thirteen months today.  Spending this morning working on the 2nd Annual Mike Gibson Golf Tournament to be held in early June.  Then heading over to Boal Memorial to pay my respects.  His dad golfing with friends on this beautiful sunny day.  Wearing a sweater that belonged his son.  Finding a measure of comfort in that.  

Invaluable Pennies

Delightfully witnessing Michael, Kelly and Diesel's spirits coming through again last Wednesday evening.  With encouraging and uplifting messages as always.  The mention of feathers, new endeavours, and loving support very much appreciated.  One detail not initially resonating was the medium's mention of Mike showing her pennies. Then going on to say it seemed that I had been recently finding pennies in the oddest places, and picking them up.  After the session, mentioning to her that it was not something I had been experiencing, but that there was a connection.  Sharing with her what had transpired within a short time of the accident last year.  Early that fateful Monday morning, a close family member getting out of bed.  Stepping into the hall and hearing the unexpected sound of coins falling in the den. Walking over to investigate and discovering pennies spinning on the floor.  Quite unsure of what to make of it.  Particularly since his wife, the only other person in the house, was not yet awake.  Making a connection after hearing the news.  This past Thursday morning, this same relative unexpectedly stopping by my home.  Something he had never done before.  Conversation eventually turning to the happenings of the previous evening.  Describing the session to him, along with the confusing message regarding pennies.  Seeing the look of surprise on his face.  Listening to his words tumbling out.  Sharing that for the past few weeks he had suddenly started finding pennies in unexpected locations.  Thinking of them as his lucky pennies, and therefore taking the time to pick them up.  Good luck in his life being a little scarce of late.  A few hours after saying our goodbyes, finding himself out at the driving range with one of Mike's best friends.  Practising their golf swings for the upcoming tournament.  Calling me to say that it had just happened again.  While walking over to consult the swing guide, spotting a penny lying there on the windowsill.  All of this leaving me filled with such gratitude.  For receiving the message in the first place, and then being able to pass it on.  Resulting in reassurance to someone he loved.  Reminding me that messages from spirit may not always be fully understood in the moment.  Trusting that they reveal themselves in time.  All unfolding as it should. 

Footnote:  That same Thursday afternoon, the 2012 Federal Budget announcing the elimination of our penny beginning later this year. Front page headline in Friday's local paper reading "Pinching Pennies."  

Rich and Vivid Life

Preparing for bed a couple of nights ago.  Expressing gratitude for being able to experience life with an integrated connection to the unseen. Wondering how to articulate to another what it feels like to live this way.  Immediately shown an analogy.  Imagining a person seeing the entire world without colour.  Solely in shades of black and white. Certainly functional, but fairly dull.  Then flipping a switch.  Allowing all the colours of the rainbow to be observed and factored in.  Adding a huge measure of intensity to all perceptions.  Bringing increased vibrancy to daily life.  If that individual were then to incorporate the additional layer of gaining information through intuition and spirit connection, he would experience yet another magnificent shift.  Just as dramatic as the first.  Resulting in an even richer and more vivid life. 

Love From My Son

Reflecting on something wonderful that happened in the early morning on the recent anniversary of Michael's passing.  Lying awake in bed, well before six.  Trying to decide whether or not to get up. Thinking about how early it was and how nice it would be to fall back to sleep after such a restless night.  Moments later seeing Michael's head appear directly beside mine.  Almost touching, cheek to cheek.  Hearing him whisper, "I love you Mom," directly into my ear.  Twice.  Feeling the love behind the words flood through my entire body.  Reminding me of that deep connection we continue to share.  The next conscious thought as I continued to lie awake was, " What would Mikey do?"  The answer came swiftly and clearly.  He would roll over and go right back to sleep!  Which I promptly did for two more hours.  Another amazing gift from spirit.

Embodiment of Love

Dearest Kelly, you were the living embodiment of love.  Reflected in your warm smile and expressive eyes.  Readily felt by anyone in your presence.  Today marks the passing of an entire year without you.  Such a beautiful person greatly missed by so very many.  Friends and family trying to adjust to living with the void left behind.  Necessitating the creation of a revised connection to you.  Seeking comfort in the numerous memories alive in our hearts and minds.  Feeling uplifted when recognizing the loving signs that continue to appear.  Enabling us to stay linked with your spirit forever.

Looking Forward

Standing on the threshold of a new adventure.  Ready to embrace the next chapter of my life.  Devoting attention and energy to publishing a book.  Based on the entries of this online diary.  The seed for this idea planting itself late last summer.  Growing stronger over the ensuing weeks and months.  After today, posting here less frequently.  In order to do justice to this project.  Looking forward to stepping into this journey of the unknown.  Wholly identifying with the first card in the Tarot.  The Fool positioned on the brink of a precipice.  With pure potential, beginning another cycle on The Fool's Journey. 

Last of the Firsts

Well, here it is.  March 7th showing itself once again.  This time, marking the first anniversary of Michael's passing.  Committing early on to fully experiencing this grieving process.  Giving myself the gift of this entire first year.  Without any expectation of what it might look or feel like.  Not pushing anything away.  Greatly appreciating the luxury of being able to do so.  Now having a personal reference point for an entire year's worth of emotionally charged days this life altering event presented.  A milestone of sorts.  Saying goodbye to the last of the firsts.

Under the Same Sun

A year ago today, I last heard your voice.  Calling home from the cabin. Describing the long leisurely walk you had just completed.  Along with Kelly and Diesel.  Under sunny skies, around the frozen snow-covered lake.  Hearing the pure happiness in your voice.  Prompting my heart to smile. Knowing the three of you were enjoying an amazing weekend together.  Holding onto this beautiful image.  Under the same sun, my son, that is thankfully shining down on me today.

If I Seem Distracted

If I do not smile when passing by, forgive me.  If I do not make eye contact, it is not about you.  If I seem distracted, bear with me. Currently putting all my effort into just keeping it together.  Holding on 'til Wednesday passes.  Focusing on mindful breathing.  Meditating. Meeting up with a friend.  And definitely stopping at the florist on the way home.  Buying myself some flowers. 

Pink and Gold Bruised Heart

Coming up on twelve months.  Searching for the word to best describe this mother's heart.  Some in this situation referring to theirs as being scarred.  Implying lack of hope for further healing.  Personally not to viewing it that way.  Neither wounded nor damaged accurately expressing it either.  Earlier this week, settling on bruised.  A piece of my heart now feeling deeply and severely bruised.  Along with the expected corresponding ache and vulnerability.  Likely both lifelong companions.  Fully accepting that.  The greater part of my heart still thoroughly capable of giving and receiving love.  Then a couple of days ago, experiencing an added dimension.  During yoga, in Savasana, with mind's eye fully opened.  Perceiving an abundance of soft pink energy infusing my heart.  Interspersed with swirling strands of gold. Filling the space beyond capacity.  Flowing in and out in every direction.  Once again, witnessing the spiritual body supporting the emotional and physical ones.  With the powerful energies of light and love. 

Unequivocal Response

Early yesterday morning, receiving an unexpected phone call from a close friend.  Describing the occurrence of an incredible metaphysical event at her home.  Involving the surprise appearance of a photograph of my son.  A portrait of him in his graduation gown.  Waiting for her to discover upon waking.  Lying face up under the dining room table.  This photo not one that had been out anywhere on display.  Her living alone, without any pets, removing any doubt of it mistakenly arriving there. This act designed to get her full attention.  Only two days after appealing for communication from Michael.  Sharing a close bond since his birth, but left without contact since his passing.  Open to the concept of communication with spirit.  Never imagining it presenting itself this clearly.  Asking with sincerity and open heart.  Impressively rewarded with an unequivocal response.  

Self-Help Strategies

Recognizing the need for additional self-help strategies earlier this week, while navigating a predominantly grief filled day.  Prompting me to make an appointment for an early evening massage.  Contacting one of Mike and Kelly's friends to plan an upcoming coffee date.  Bundling up against the cold and stepping out to absorb some late afternoon sun on the patio.  While there, breathing deeply with eyes closed, asking for a sign of reassurance from my son.  Within moments, hearing the distinct sound of a hummingbird flying by.  The first one I have noticed this season.  Then moving inside to settle in on the sofa.  Rereading an old copy of The Little Prince.  Allowing this exquisite story to wash over me.  At the end of the day, none of these activities "fixing" the situation. Just doing what they were intended to which was to support my spirit. And that, they did beautifully.

Discovering the Courage

In conversation with one of Michael's friends recently.  She also struggling with darkness and suicidal thoughts.  Just as my son had for years.  Genetically predisposed to both depression and addiction.  Then having them triggered by life experiences.  Further aggravated by the stigma and misconceptions still sadly surrounding these issues. Encouraging the keeping of secrets and resulting feelings of shame.  All combining to create trying situations.  Personal challenges. Innumerable versions of these existing in varying degrees for each one of us.  Choosing particular lessons before incarnating.  Leading to opportunities for spiritual growth.  Remembering this assists with discovering the courage required to face the trials.  Enabling one to make advantageous decisions.   Towards a lighter and more joy filled existence.

Conflicted

Collecting ideas about how to best mark the one year anniversary next week.  The obvious visit to Boal Memorial.  Then gathering here at home with his sisters and brothers-in-law for mutual emotional support.  Relighting the gold candles used at his service.  Watching family videos.  Perhaps working on that unfinished puzzle Michael and Kelly had started, still lingering under the chair.  For dinner, ordering Chinese or preparing chicken fajitas.  The latter option reflecting the meal they created for us the day before leaving for their last cabin weekend.  Later, possibly playing a game together.   All simple but meaningful activities.  Connecting us to memories and the energy of our son and brother.  However, behind all this planning, certainly feeling conflicted.  On the one hand, focusing on honouring how much he meant to us and how deeply he is missed.  On the other, desperately wishing he were physically here instead. 

Playing With Light

Driving down the freeway to the International Spiritualist Alliance with three passengers the other night.  Two of them inviting themselves along to experience this environment for the first time.  Curious about mediumship demonstration and receiving messages from spirit.  En route, briefly describing the process to them and what they could expect. Midway through this conversation, passing through a tunnel. Emerging from there to discover every one of the dozens of streetlights repeatedly flashing on and off in unison.  This activity continuing alongside and ahead of us for the next few kilometres.  Our group of four expressing amazement.  Remarking that this was something none of us had ever witnessed, anywhere.  Then sharing a good laugh when recognizing the likely forces behind this playing with the light.  Happily witnessing the magic of spirit connection long before arriving at our destination.

Phenomenal Perspective

Being out in nature.  Numerous opportunities for gaining wisdom there. One particularly memorable experience occurring a month after my mother's passing.  Strolling alongside a stream, inviting her to please continue sending signs.  A few steps later, looking across into the forest, focusing on the most distant point.  Hearing, "Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist."  A phrase filled with double negatives, but the message quite clear.  Pointing out that based solely on what I could see, the forest ended at that furthest visible point. However, the whole of my being understanding it continued much further.  Having walked there many times before.  Comprehending the existence of more.  An entire world flourishing beyond what my eyes were perceiving.  The spirit world together with Mother Nature communicating a reassuring perspective on death.  Bestowing awareness regarding the ongoing existence of my mother's essence, despite leaving the physical realm.  Phenomenal.  

Profound Shifts

What a fascinating period this is shaping up to be.  Recognizing profound shifts in the lives of many.  Not limited to friends and family. As if the cracks and fissures created during the intense shakedown of the past year have finally given way.  Necessitating the restructuring of ones day-to-day engagement.  Calling for the courage to step into the unknown.  Initially, with the likely companions of discomfort and apprehension.  Leading to magnificent opportunities offering incredible potential. 

Brighter Days

Despite these grey and damp skies, the unmistakable presence of hope exists.  Noticing a multitude of spring's early signs.  Well ahead of the official date, still four weeks away.  Appreciating clusters of delicate snowdrops in a neighbour's garden.  Passing by bushes profusely adorned with pink hued buds.  Grateful for the masses of daffodils inching their way closer to flowering.  Surprisingly spotting an early blooming cherry tree yesterday afternoon.  All this new life, combined with increasing daylight, attempting to brighten the days with optimism and cheer. 

Ouija Concern

Running errands in a historic part of our city.  Spotting a quaint shop filled to the rafters with curios and antiques.  Stepping inside to discover a Ouija board resting on a shelf amid the clutter.  Feelings of concern instantly flooding in.  Vividly recalling a personal experience with this divining tool.  Ignorantly using it with adverse affects.  Leaving me with uncomfortable results.  Exactly twenty years ago, during a weekend away with a group of women friends.  Only learning of the recommendation to stay away from this low form of channelling after the fact.  Definitely not a game to be played with.  Hoping the board for sale in this store lingers there forever.

Heartfelt Visit

Spending an engaging evening over wine and appies with one of my daughters here last night.  Along with two acquaintances adjusting to a very recent loss.  This mother and daughter now a family of two.  The four of us taking turns filling each other in.  Sharing anecdotes about the ups and downs of life.  Some much appreciated laughter too. Touching upon the gifts available to us after experiencing a profound loss.  Greater compassion for others.  Increased confidence and freedom to make fitting choices for oneself.  Deeper appreciation for the right here, right now.  A heartfelt visit leaving me feeling connected, uplifted, and grateful.

Detach With Love

Detaching with love.  A difficult lesson frequently presented to me in this lifetime.  With close family members.  The arena in which so much opportunity for learning occurs.  First hearing it described this way at an Al-Anon meeting.  Concerning being in relationships with people who are dealing with addiction.  Working on separating an addict's behaviour from the essence of their soul.  Enabling me to love an individual while simultaneously choosing not to tolerate the objectionable, and often hurtful, conduct.  Vividly recalling an incident from long ago.  Receiving guidance with this after an hour of still time. While meditating on an important relationship.  Hearing the phrase, "Compassion yes, responsibility no."   Often falling short when trying to put into daily practise, but definitely worth striving for.  Providing a healthy alternative to engaging in anger, drama and pain.

Sense of Unease

It began a few days ago.  This underlying sense of unease.  Anticipating the first anniversary of my son's death.  Not dwelling on it but definitely feeling anxious.  Surprised to discover this heightened emotional state beginning already.  The actual date still three weeks away.  Reassuring myself that like the difficult days that have gone before, this too shall pass.  Contemplating meaningful ways for our family to mark the occasion.  A part of me wishing I could already be on the other side of that weighted day.   

Love Birds

Admiring the two miniature bronze lovebirds perched upon the cabinet. Ones I presented to my husband on Valentine's Day last year. Contemplating the third tiny bird nestled in-between.  Resting upon a leaf.  Slightly smaller than the others but similar in style and colouring. Placed there last March.  Receiving this sympathy gift days after the accident.  A shopkeeper in our neighbourhood impulsively picking it up off a shelf.  Then handing it to a family friend to pass on to us. Unaware that there were already two birds awaiting it at home.  Such an exquisite moment of synchronicity. 

Intriguing Obituaries

Browsing through the obituaries in the paper this morning.  Something I have done for years.  True to that Scorpio trait of being intrigued by death.  Noting the words chosen when condensing a life into a few sentences.  Reading between the lines.  Observing which aspects of a person's lifetime are included and considering those which might purposefully be omitted.  Paying attention to their ages.  A few living mere hours, some over one hundred years.  Most falling somewhere in-between.  Wondering about those indicating no service by request. Recognizing that the majority of obituaries are written by loved ones, a number by care facilities, and on occasion, by the individual themselves.  An exercise my son had undertaken less than a year before he died.  Unbeknownst to his family.  To facilitate gaining clarity for himself.  Sealing it in an envelope.  One of his sisters discovering it within days of his passing.  His father reading it aloud at his funeral. Imparting a clear sense of what was in Michael's heart and what he aspired to be remembered for.  Ending with, "You will be greatly missed!"  Indeed, he certainly is.

Extraordinary Farewell

Waking early yesterday to savour our final beach morning.  Meditating on the rolling waves.  Sending out a silent request.  Asking if it might be possible to witness a whale breaching nearby before journeying home. Then heading out for a short walk.  Keen to absorb a few last precious rays.  Spotting a humpback not too far in the distance.  Repeatedly tail slapping as if conveying a farewell.  Sending it gratitude from my heart for that.  Returning to the condo to pack our bags.  Locking the sliding door off the lanai.  Standing up to take one last look at the view with my husband.  In that exact moment, seeing a huge whale breaching directly before us!  This only the second one we observed doing this in close proximity during the entire twelve days here.  Beholding the first one while aboard a whale watching trip.  Walking out the front door and leaving with an enormous smile on my face.  Once again deeply impressed by how beautifully the universe listens.

Om Bath

Some love to shower, others prefer to bathe.  Myself, definitely one of the latter.  Enjoying the grounding effect of soaking in a tub of warm water.  Not long ago, discovering an entirely new bathing experience. Accomplishing it without getting wet.  A meditation teacher leading our group through an Om Bath.  In lieu of participants beginning and ending the Om chant simultaneously, having us stagger the start. Immersing ourselves in continual Oms over the course of fifteen minutes.  Akin to singing rounds in a choir.  Phenomenal sound experience.  Bathing fully clothed.

Inspired Writing

Writing these daily entries for exactly one year now.  Accepting the challenge my Oma's spirit lovingly presented.  Never imagining how meaningful this endeavour would become.  Certainly not creating this all on my own.  Continuing to receive inspiration from the unseen. Enabling me to receive support and encouragement from caring individuals in over seventy countries.  Grateful to each and every one. 

Postcard From Hawaii

Very much appreciating these rejuvenating days in the sun.  Yet, there is no escaping the loss.  No place on earth exists where that would that be possible.  Not even here in paradise.  Marking eleven months today. Thinking about you innumerable times, each and every hour.  While swimming with the honus and asking to share their strength.  In conversation with the affable young man considering a job opportunity in Alberta.  When spotting the handcrafted transparent shell ornament consisting of two doves with a heart suspended between them.  And so many of the moments in-between.  Postcard from Hawaii.  Michael, wish you were here.

Curious Observation

Over lunch at a busy restaurant with my husband Saturday afternoon.  Reminiscing about our son.  Wishing I could ask him something only he would know the answer to.  Half-jokingly suggesting aloud that he, "Knock once for yes, twice for no."  Knowing it was too noisy to actually hear a reply.  This morning, my husband offering a curious observation. Remarking that the numbered ticket he had received for our dinner pickup that same day was number 13.  Then Sunday, his rental agreement contract, number 13.  Within twenty-four hours, the only two activities we had engaged in concerning numbered paper receipts.  Both referencing Michael's favourite number.  

Definition of Beauty

Humpback whales.  Never given them much thought.  Stocky dark coloured body incorporating a hump.  Head and jaw covered with knobs.  Not particularly beautiful at all.  Dismissing them as ugly in fact.  Judging them solely on pictures I had seen.  Now spending a few days sharing these warm waters.  Swimming and snorkelling in their breeding grounds.  Marvelling at their spectacular breaching and tail slapping.  Entertained by the males singing their complex songs. Smiling at young ones playfully engaged.  Offering me an opportunity to rethink my definition of beauty.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

My husband so often reminds me of my son.  With his body language, comments he delivers, and some of the choices he makes.  Both smart, funny and capable guys.  Two tall, blue-eyed, handsome men. Yesterday, over a leisurely breakfast outdoors.  Commenting aloud to my husband about him balancing precariously on his chair.  With that grin on his face and gleam in his eyes, throwing out the cheeky comeback of, "What could possibly go wrong?".  Indeed.  Words that could easily have been spoken by my son.  Reflecting that happy-go-lucky attitude. Providing us with another opportunity for full blown laughter.  To the point of tears.  Words to hold on to for subsequent smiles. 

Healing Islands

Falling into a welcoming beach chair.  The two of us returning after strolling barefoot for miles along the shore.  Settling in with eyes closed.  Feet resting comfortably in the sand.  Breathing in the strength of the waves.  Basking in the warmth of the cloud filtered sun.  Enjoying the light breeze caressing my cheek.  Feeling grounded.  Meditating on it all.  Within moments the words, "Help me heal" materializing. Intuitively repeating them with each new wave rolling in.  Heal.  This one word succinctly revealing why Hawaii, and why now.  More than a vacation or holiday.  The powerful elements of these islands lovingly extending themselves to us.  Helping to heal the trauma our souls have sustained.       

Glorious Beginning

Ensconced on the lanai, morning coffee in hand.  Embraced by the warmth and humidity.  Awakened by nature's alarm clock moments earlier.  A variety of bird songs rousing me from my sleep.  Ranging greatly in pitch and intensity.  Before me, grand palms framing a serene ocean view.  Bougainvillea and plumeria blossoms contributing vibrant bursts of colour along with fragrance to the scene.  Glorious way to begin a day.  

Fun in the Sun

Off to enjoy the sun and sand.  Time for some long overdue fun.  A good friend generously loaning us the use of her oceanfront condo.  Looking forward to experiencing the physical representation of the vision shown in that meditation last spring.  Walking the beach.   Swimming with the turtles.  Contemplating that link between the stars above and those below.  Feeling infinitely connected.

Spirited and Beautiful

Twenty-eight years ago today.  Welcoming my second daughter into this world.  This spirited little Aquarian born cross-eyed with crooked feet.  Beautiful just the same.  Bestowing upon her a name that never quite fit.  Then legally changing it just before her first birthday.  So thankful this wise soul chose me to be her mother.  That she picked this family to be born into.  Teaching me to be a better person.  Challenging me to consider other perspectives.  Continuing to enrich my life with her love.  Every day. 

Telepathic Abilities

Telepathy.  Tuning into each other's minds.  An experience many can relate to.  Completing a thought concerning another individual and shortly thereafter receiving communication from them.  Making a game of this with my children when they were young.  Finding myself experiencing this phenomenon more often now.  Frequently receiving confirmation within seconds.  Generally in person or through phone conversation.  Most recently via text.  Promptly receiving the precise answer to a question I had barely finished mentally formulating.  One this individual and I had not previously discussed.  Subsequently, allowing my imagination to wander.  Considering the notion of people marvelling at the digital tools available for immediate communication. Imagining future generations looking back on this era with fondness. They remarking how quaint it was that their forefathers believed they had made such progress.  Before mankind began directing more effort into further developing innate telepathic abilities.  No longer dependent on cumbersome equipment to all be sharing thoughts instantly with each other.  Tapping into the potential that lies within.

Life Imitating Art

Michael had been working in marketing at his father's printing business in the months before he died.  One of his minor tasks was taking over responsibility for the outdoor sign.  To ensure that a good selection of humorous phrases were posted there.  Entertaining the public as they passed by.  Installing this one a few weeks before the accident:
  
  ʇuǝpıɔɔɐ  

uɐ pɐɥ noʎ

 sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ

uɐɔ noʎ ɟı 

Posting it on their company Facebook page as well.  Seemingly funny at the time.  In hindsight, perhaps a bizarre example of life imitating art instead.

Heartfelt Connection

Still in shock.  In a good way.  Late last week, a courier arriving at our front door with a large package addressed to me.  Eagerly opening the beautifully wrapped box.  Discovering a remarkably generous and thoughtful heart themed gift.  One I will wear with love.  Sent by a group of compassionate people who know my story from afar.  Individuals I have never met.  Living thousands of miles away.  A most amazing heartfelt connection. 

A Mother Hen Experience

Low energy weekend.  Emotionally and physically.  Acutely missing my son.  Making every effort to pull myself up.  Swim at the pool.  Long meditation.  Out for a run.  All with little success.  Suddenly, the image of a mother hen flashing through my mind.  Identifying with her immediately.  Proud of her baby chicks.  Happy to see them flourishing, exploring their environment, making their own way.  Then finding herself momentarily faltering.  Keenly feeling that empty space left behind by the one now gone.  Experiencing an overwhelming desire to gather in the ones remaining.  Wanting to hold them close.  Needing the reassurance of that motherly connection.  Enlisting help from my daughters.  Both thankfully able to accommodate.  One having coffee with me,  the other coming over to play cards.  Helping to soothe this mother's heart.