Focusing on the Good

Fascinating really.  This natural tendency to focus on the good. Thinking often about the happy and positive memories of our years together as mother and son.  Not dwelling on the challenging and difficult times of the later years.  Of which there were many.  Those remaining very much in the background.  Perhaps due to the nature of the relationship now.  Back to connecting purely spirit to spirit.  No ego involved. 

An Emotional Puzzle

Peeking out from under the huge armchair in the den.  The front edge of a large framed canvas.  Supporting hundreds of puzzle pieces.  Half of them connected to each other.   The remainder still waiting to be directed to their rightful places.  A pastime Michael engaged in last winter while convalescing after another shoulder surgery.  Kelly working on this with him.  Keeping him company.  Finding it curious that this incomplete project remains there.  Right where they left it.  For someone who thrives in a neat and orderly environment as I do, this seems to be an odd choice.  Usually storing or disposing of unused items with efficiency.  Packing up and donating his clothes.  Cleaning out his room.  All dealt with in a timely fashion.  Today however, still unwilling to return those pieces to their box.  Obviously representing something more.  Perhaps reminding me of the simple activities they enjoyed together.  Clearly understanding it cannot reside there forever. Possibly completing this project together after a family dinner one day. Not wishing to tackle this alone.  Not yet. 

Shifting Moments

How quickly it still shifts from moment to moment.  Awaking Friday morning to a magnificent sunrise.  Contrasting greatly with the storm of the previous day.  Strolling in the sunshine along the rocky seashore. Chatting and laughing with a friend and her dog.  Grateful for the change of scenery and distractions.  Upon returning to the cottage, checking my computer.  Noticing a posting made minutes earlier.  A photo of Michael.  Standing beside the ocean, arms stretched out wide. Taken days before he died.  One I have seen before.  Now catching me completely off guard.   This scene a perfect match to the one I had just been experiencing.  A second uploaded image showing a necklace his aunt had created  for herself in his memory.   Incorporating a heart and a star.  This, my first glimpse of it.  Both pictures instantly transporting me from a sense of peace and lightness to one of heart piercing sadness. Tears falling.  Breathing through it.  Then moving on with the day. Enjoying an afternoon with more laughter and conversation.  A short drive and ferry ride later, arriving home with a sense of contentment. Noticing the stack of unopened mail.  Tearing open a large envelope addressed to me.  Reading the enclosed letter from one of Michael's and Kelly's high school teachers.  One who is also living in this community. Sharing her condolences, as well as some memories.  Resulting in further emotions to process.  More tears.  In both cases, greatly appreciating that others continue to think about him.  Making the effort to share that.   As difficult as it is being in the feelings these pictures and words evoke, I am thankful for the communication.  Helping me feel connected and supported.  This ongoing roller-coaster ride.

Balanced Living

Living a balanced life.  A popular expression.  Frequently heard of late. Referring to the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves.  Visualizing a pie.  Ideally each piece of it receiving an adequate amount of attention daily.  The size of the pieces adjusting slightly as needed.  Actively moving ones body.  Connecting with spirit. Engaging the brain.  Interacting with feeling.  Every day.  Seemingly simple yet an ongoing challenge.

Warmed Through and Through

Time out.  Spending two nights with a friend at her ocean side cottage. No plans.  This day leisurely unfolding before me.   A blustery winter storm playing out on the other side of the huge picture window.  Logs crashing.  Gulls soaring.  Cedars dancing.  So cosy inside.  Warmed by a wood burning fireplace.  Meditating on the wind and waves. Relaxation and peacefulness infusing the space.  Truly grateful for this friendship.  Relishing in the luxury of such a generous opportunity.         

Ribbons of Life

When contemplating our existence, I frequently see dancing ribbons. An image that has repeatedly appeared in my mind's eye.  All of us shown as beautiful thin bands of richly coloured silk.  Drifting horizontally beside, below, above one another.  Unaware of any beginning or end.  Each ribbon representing a spirit's path over many lifetimes.  Interacting with each other in wavelike motions.  At times moving closer.  Periodically touching.  Followed by floating a little further apart.  Experiencing the space.  An oft repeated cycle.  Weaving a dynamic tapestry together. 

Mother Daughter Moment

Enjoying a cherished mother daughter moment yesterday.  In a beautifully appointed tea house not far from home.  Serene inviting atmosphere.  Spending time together.  This morning, reflecting on a very poignant mother daughter experience with my own mom.  Fifteen years ago.  Spending an afternoon seated side by side.  Each in our own comfortable recliners.  Chatting about this and that.  Warm attentive staff hovering about.  In the chemo clinic at our local hospital.  Each receiving our own unique life prolonging elixirs.  The two doctors coincidentally scheduling our treatments for the same time.  An image that will stay with me always.  Today recognizing the similarities amidst the stark contrasts of those two experiences.  Mothers and daughters connecting.

Looking Forward

Cold temperatures.  Early snowfall.  Christmas invitations beginning to arrive.  Craft fairs well underway.  Decorations filling shop windows. Propelling me forward into the holiday season.  Anticipating taking in magical outdoor light displays, hearing carols, decorating our home, hosting friends and family.  Purchasing a minimal amount of presents. Preferring to focus on the festivities.  As always, carefully selecting where and when to invest time and energy.  Choosing enjoyment over stress.  Knowing some aspects of the celebrations will look quite different this year.  Looking forward to the season nevertheless. 

Amusing Delivery

Sorting through the day's mail.  Coming across an oversized envelope addressed to my son.  Mike Gibson.  Tearing it open.  Discovering a Tiffany & Co. holiday catalogue inside.  From the famous jewellery store.  Chuckling to myself.  Unable to recall ever receiving one addressed to our home.  Flipping through pages adorned with images of pricey gift items.  Set against the renowned robin egg blue background. Wondering about his name being included on this mailing list. Thinking about his nature, even as a young child.  Very much a romantic.  This booklet perhaps connected to the level their relationship had progressed to around Valentine's Day this year.  Never knowing. Only imagining.  Finding it quite amusing.

All Three Coming Through

Another magnificent evening.  Attending a mediumship demonstration at ISA.  All three coming through together.  Silently asking for this scenario before the session began.  Michael doing all the talking.  Kelly standing quietly by his side.  Diesel there with them too.  Appearing in order to share messages.  The medium transmitting the information. Suggesting getting out more.  Checking out the support group again. Spending less time home alone.  Wanting to see me happy.  Michael radiating powerful energy affirming the loving connection we share. Smiling that million dollar smile.  Reminding me of the deep bond we have.  Pointing out he knows it is something I still very much feel. Mentioning that missing them is understandable.  Particularly considering how recently it all occurred.  All of this information creating a slight shift.  Carrying me forward again.  Smiling.  Feeling positive and uplifted.  Much lighter in my heart.

Easier?

People occasionally asking, "Is it getting easier yet?"  Finding myself wondering what that even means.  Easier?  Implying less difficult, less pain, less discomfort.  Unsure how to answer.  What are we measuring? Eight months into grieving the loss of a child.   The phrase WTF still surfacing many times a day.  Not experiencing a single wakeful hour without thinking of him.  Of them.  An improvement over every few minutes.  Does this qualify?  Overall, understanding the question to be a form of caring.  Wondering how things are going.  Innocently asking. Truthfully answering, "As well as can be expected". 

Life-Affirming

Such good fortune.  Meeting up one recent morning with a friend on the seawall.  Walking and talking for hours.  Spending that afternoon with two of Kelly's closest friends.  Sharing stories and memories.  The following day, seeing Michael's best friend.  Dropping by here for a short visit.  Later, feasting with my husband and another couple. Making tentative vacation plans over an exquisite evening meal. Yesterday, walking the leaf strewn trail with one daughter and her puppy.  Relishing the energies of the sun and wind together.  Today, meeting up for a late lunch with the other.  Spending precious time with one another.  Numerous life-affirming moments over the course of a few days.  Giving much needed balance to the melancholy ones. 

Love Letters

Sunday mornings.  Time for our weekly love letters.  Most weeks, but not all.  My husband and I taking turns posing one question to answer separately.  Sometimes emotional topics leading to heartfelt discussion. "What do I like most about our marriage and why?" or "What is the nicest thing you've done for me this week and how do I feel about that?". Often in the more quirky realm.  "If you were a bird, what kind would you be and why?" or "What was your favourite comfort food as a child and how did it make you feel?".  Writing for ten minutes max. Exchanging our answers.  Reading through each other's letters twice before commenting.  Spending a few minutes sharing our thoughts on what we have discovered.  Continuing to reveal something of our essence to each other.  Each and every time.  Often to ourselves as well. Committing to this activity fourteen years ago after attending a workshop together.  One I was directed to in my sleep.  The name of it spelled out in large white capital letters many times over the course of the night.  All these years and hundreds of letters later.  Helping this relationship stay fresh and alive.

Remembrance Day 11-11-11

Pondering this holiday.  Remembrance Day.  Evoking confusion and sadness within.  Born in Canada in the 50's to newly arrived German immigrant parents.  Before reaching their teens, both left fatherless due to the war.  My father frequently imparting stories at our dinner table of those horrific years.  His underlying anger while describing frequent bombings, scarce resources, bloodshed, and lives lost.  Often blaming the enemy.  Portraying his family and friends as the victims.  Truly patriotic.  As a young person, all of this leaving me quite confused. Wondering about the glaring omission of the fact that his leaders had instigated that violence.  Later understanding that his upbringing was yet another tragic war casualty.  The children all victims of course. Subsequently noting my father and father-in-law technically enemies before my birth.  The latter enlisting with the Royal Canadian Air Force. Dropping bombs overseas.  My life informed by these two families on opposing sides of those circumstances.  Born into one, married into the other.  Leaving me somewhere in-between.  Thinking of all those who have needlessly suffered in countless wars.  Saving the poppies for others to wear.

Neither Strange Nor Crazy

Hearing voices.  Seeing messages.  Knowing things.  An acquaintance recently venturing to say, "Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you are a little off the wall."  No offense taken.  Quite the contrary. Finding it amusing.  Understanding that many of my experiences may seem strange and even crazy to others.  Being absolutely fine with that. Knowing these happenings all contribute to a richer and more vibrant life.  Hoping that by sharing here, others feel reassured when experiencing some of these occurrences themselves.  We are neither strange nor crazy.

Awaiting Lighter Moments

Dull and flat.  These two words aptly describing both the inside and out. Missing them so very much.  That space they inhabited so noticeably empty.  Acutely feeling that void.  Resulting in a dullness within.  The gloomy, damp, grey weather adding its unwelcoming layer of flatness to the day.  However, there is a walk along the river with my young companion this morning, followed by the book club get-together this evening.  Hence, lighter moments await.  They always do.            

Spiritual Smorgasbord

Reflecting on various spiritual concepts and activities my children were exposed to.  A smorgasbord of experiences.  As infants, each one being celebrated with a personal Dedication ceremony facilitated by the Unitarian church.  A few years later, all singing in the local United church choir.  During that same period, participating in a sacred event at a nearby Buddhist temple.  Receiving Dao, involving the awakening of ones third eye.  Then as a young teen, each daughter experiencing a unique celebration marking her transition from girl to woman. Throughout the years, all three spending cherished time with their Oma, a practising Catholic.  Diverse experiences amassed from numerous sources.  All stimulating their spiritual awareness.

Eight Months and Thirty Years

A morning filled with intense emotions.  The highs and lows of motherhood swirling within.  Today marking thirty years of being a mother.  Reflecting on how astonishing it feels to have a daughter this old.  Appreciating the good fortune of being able to share my life with her.  Valuing our loving relationship.  So proud of the woman she is. Simultaneously, recognizing it was Monday morning eight months ago today when my son left this world.  The feelings of grief understandably heightened.  Powerful emotions stemming from these two extreme experiences.  Coexisting.  Realizing love is at the core of it all.

Baby Parker

This is what hope and joy look like.  A little one making its way into our family.   All of us lovingly awaiting the spring arrival of you, Baby Parker.  Visions of your soul and Uncle Mike conferring ahead of time. About where and when to incarnate.  Some serious discussion.  Much laughter too.  Spending pure quality time together.  Choosing Michael's oldest sister and her husband to be the parents.  Two people keen on giving your life the best possible beginnings.  Surrounded by loving family and friends.  Great choice little one.  Very much looking forward to welcoming you into my arms soon.  You having already found a place in my heart.

Children's Parable

The Little Soul and the Sun.  Wonderfully written children's parable. Beautifully illustrated picture book.  A story of learning about who we really are.  Dealing with incarnation and having the human experience. Two little spirits discussing their responsibilities to each other.  All set in a loving environment.  Simple language.  Powerful message.  Written for children but so delightful to read as an adult.  Looking forward to taking it down off the shelf and rereading it soon.  A pleasant little interlude.

Palindrome Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.  A palindrome one at that.  Celebrating 55 years young.  On 2011-11-02.  All the numbers reading the same backwards and forwards.  An auspicious occasion to my way of thinking. Optimistically anticipating a powerful year ahead.  Sensing one abounding with positive and rewarding experiences.  Including savouring a piece of scrumptious birthday cake today!  

Day of the Dead

An intriguing festival.  Day of the Dead.  Countries around the world celebrating memories of their deceased family and friends today. National holiday for some.  Creating altars with offerings of food and symbolic tokens for departed spirits.  Visiting relatives' graves, candles and flowers in hand.  Reciting funny stories, dancing, and eating sugar skulls.   Slight variations on the same theme depending on where it is being celebrated.   However, the overriding sentiment the same. Predominantly festive atmosphere full of colour and life.  In stark contrast to the prevailing attitude to death here in this part of the world. Primarily one of fear and separation.  Imagining immersion in a culture joyfully celebrating this day.  With such a healthy perspective. Receiving such pleasure just thinking about it.