Glorious Beginning

Ensconced on the lanai, morning coffee in hand.  Embraced by the warmth and humidity.  Awakened by nature's alarm clock moments earlier.  A variety of bird songs rousing me from my sleep.  Ranging greatly in pitch and intensity.  Before me, grand palms framing a serene ocean view.  Bougainvillea and plumeria blossoms contributing vibrant bursts of colour along with fragrance to the scene.  Glorious way to begin a day.  

Fun in the Sun

Off to enjoy the sun and sand.  Time for some long overdue fun.  A good friend generously loaning us the use of her oceanfront condo.  Looking forward to experiencing the physical representation of the vision shown in that meditation last spring.  Walking the beach.   Swimming with the turtles.  Contemplating that link between the stars above and those below.  Feeling infinitely connected.

Spirited and Beautiful

Twenty-eight years ago today.  Welcoming my second daughter into this world.  This spirited little Aquarian born cross-eyed with crooked feet.  Beautiful just the same.  Bestowing upon her a name that never quite fit.  Then legally changing it just before her first birthday.  So thankful this wise soul chose me to be her mother.  That she picked this family to be born into.  Teaching me to be a better person.  Challenging me to consider other perspectives.  Continuing to enrich my life with her love.  Every day. 

Telepathic Abilities

Telepathy.  Tuning into each other's minds.  An experience many can relate to.  Completing a thought concerning another individual and shortly thereafter receiving communication from them.  Making a game of this with my children when they were young.  Finding myself experiencing this phenomenon more often now.  Frequently receiving confirmation within seconds.  Generally in person or through phone conversation.  Most recently via text.  Promptly receiving the precise answer to a question I had barely finished mentally formulating.  One this individual and I had not previously discussed.  Subsequently, allowing my imagination to wander.  Considering the notion of people marvelling at the digital tools available for immediate communication. Imagining future generations looking back on this era with fondness. They remarking how quaint it was that their forefathers believed they had made such progress.  Before mankind began directing more effort into further developing innate telepathic abilities.  No longer dependent on cumbersome equipment to all be sharing thoughts instantly with each other.  Tapping into the potential that lies within.

Life Imitating Art

Michael had been working in marketing at his father's printing business in the months before he died.  One of his minor tasks was taking over responsibility for the outdoor sign.  To ensure that a good selection of humorous phrases were posted there.  Entertaining the public as they passed by.  Installing this one a few weeks before the accident:
  
  ʇuǝpıɔɔɐ  

uɐ pɐɥ noʎ

 sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ

uɐɔ noʎ ɟı 

Posting it on their company Facebook page as well.  Seemingly funny at the time.  In hindsight, perhaps a bizarre example of life imitating art instead.

Heartfelt Connection

Still in shock.  In a good way.  Late last week, a courier arriving at our front door with a large package addressed to me.  Eagerly opening the beautifully wrapped box.  Discovering a remarkably generous and thoughtful heart themed gift.  One I will wear with love.  Sent by a group of compassionate people who know my story from afar.  Individuals I have never met.  Living thousands of miles away.  A most amazing heartfelt connection. 

A Mother Hen Experience

Low energy weekend.  Emotionally and physically.  Acutely missing my son.  Making every effort to pull myself up.  Swim at the pool.  Long meditation.  Out for a run.  All with little success.  Suddenly, the image of a mother hen flashing through my mind.  Identifying with her immediately.  Proud of her baby chicks.  Happy to see them flourishing, exploring their environment, making their own way.  Then finding herself momentarily faltering.  Keenly feeling that empty space left behind by the one now gone.  Experiencing an overwhelming desire to gather in the ones remaining.  Wanting to hold them close.  Needing the reassurance of that motherly connection.  Enlisting help from my daughters.  Both thankfully able to accommodate.  One having coffee with me,  the other coming over to play cards.  Helping to soothe this mother's heart.

Five Days in a Row

Five days in a row.  Without shedding tears of sadness thinking about my son.  A record thus far.  Worth noting and certainly thankful for. Not making assumptions today about what tomorrow, next week, or next month may look like.  Trusting it is all unfolding as it should. Fully appreciating this, right now.

Snow Day

Snow day.  Rare occurrence in this part of the country.  Some communities in our area enjoying one or two this week.  Schools and businesses shutting down.  Opening up unexpected space in many people's lives.  Time out.  A gift from Mother Nature.  Encouraging folks to slow down.  Step away from the frantic pace many have adapted. Creating an opportunity to rediscover a sense of play.  Read a book. Savour a cup of tea.  Engage in board games.  Get out for a walk. Perhaps reawakening the joy these simple pastimes can bring.

A Good Laugh

Ordering tickets by phone for an upcoming jazz performance. Supplying the receptionist with my credit card number.  She requesting the expiry date.  Reading out 12/12 to her, then immediately bursting into laughter.  Explaining my behaviour to this bewildered woman.  Noting my card will expire in December 2012.  Coinciding perfectly with the "end of the world".  Talk about synchronicity.  Not in agreement with that pessimistic prediction, but definitely appreciating the good laugh it prompted! 

Gratitude List Payoff

This idea arriving a few days ago.  While swimming lengths in the public pool.  To create another written gratitude list.  It had been a while.  Recognizing the need to recharge my batteries.  Rekindle the lighter energy within.  Challenging myself to come up with more than the nominal dozen or two notations.  Setting the goal of listing one hundred entries this time.  Assuming that might take a while. Surprising myself.  Completing it in less than fifteen minutes.  Easily. Resulting in such a deep sense of contentment and appreciation.  Huge payoff for such a minimal investment.

Ongoing Love Story

An ongoing love story.  Reiterating this theme to others a couple of times during the weekend.  Explaining that so much around Michael and Kelly's passing revolves around love.  Then, spending yesterday afternoon with my husband in the heart of the city.  Enjoying a leisurely lunch, followed by an ocean side walk along the seawall.  Under cool and sunny skies.  Both of us filled with gratitude and contentment. Soaking it all in.  By chance, glancing down onto the beach below. Instantly stopping to take in a heartwarming sight.  A huge creative expression of love formed with large stones.  Laid out vertically, close to three metres long.  Beginning with the letter K at the top, followed by the outline of a heart, with the letter M underneath.  K ♡ M.  Amazing. Had thoughts of what to make for dinner or concerns about next week been occupying my mind, this gift would likely have gone unnoticed. Being present, in the moment.  Open and available to enjoy this heartening opportunity to connect with love. 

Perfect Combination

Such a powerful experience earlier this week.  One that will not be forgotten.  Lighting the candle. Sitting cross-legged.  Connecting to breath, eyes closed.  From deep within, calling upon the universe for assistance.  Silently formulating the request, "Help me through, help me through."  Invoking support to feel strong and grounded.  Moments later, guidance arriving in the form of a mantra.  One entirely new to me.  "Be Strong--I Can--I Am." Spontaneously repeating it numerous times.  Allowing it to resonate completely.  Resulting in relaxation and a measure of renewed fortitude. Meditation and prayer.  A perfect combination.

Reassuring Experience

Michael coming through to visit his sisters.  Dog by his side, at the ISA last night.  Sharing specific and detailed messages with his energy. Including a shout-out to his dad as well.  Leaving no doubt as to the identity of this, their brother's, spirit.  Another reassuring experience demonstrating the continued existence of beings.  Clearly remaining connected to each other.

Sun's Kiss

The two of us ambling along through the forest yesterday afternoon. Close to the river's edge.  Silently enjoying the unhurried pace.  Bundled up in down vest and gloves.  Approaching a clearing in the trees. Slowing down even further.  My face instinctively angling itself towards the sun.  Like the potted plant on the kitchen sill.   Keen to absorb the maximum available warmth and light.  Continuing to walk with eyes closed.  Lost in the moment.  Deeply appreciating this kiss of life.    

Immense Resolve

Such immense resolve required in order to stay the course.  The amount of energy expended while doing so, extraordinary.  That proverbial rug so often getting pulled right out from under me.  Without any warning. Last Friday afternoon.  The day before an already emotionally charged weekend.  An envelope from the Ministry of Public Safety arriving in the mail.  Discovering a cover letter inside, along with the official Coroner's Report.  Including numerous details.  Time of Death.  Cause of Death. By What Means.  And more.  Black and white reminder of the harsh reality.  A formal version of events.  Not much in the way of new information.  Thankfully.  Moments later, the phone ringing.  My husband calling to say he would be working a little late.  Telling him about the letter.  He spontaneously responding with morbid humour. "He's probably still dead."  Leaving me laughing and crying.  Truly exhausting.

Sharing Laughs

Reading "Zits" comic strip in the Sunday funnies yesterday.  The one cartoon Michael and I regularly shared laughs over.  Right til the end. Both of us recognizing our mother/son relationship so accurately mirrored there.  First frame, dated January 8, 2012.  Mother on the phone.  "Hello Olive Garden? I'd like to make a reservation for three for my son's birthday."  This story concluding with the teenage son making last minute changes to the plans.  Leaving his mom banging her head against the wall.  Really?  Same birthday???  Immediately recognizing this sign from my witty son.  Still sharing laughs.  Offering up humour to lighten the load.  Our family and two friends later marking Michael's birthday at The Old Spaghetti Factory.  The idea leaping in a couple of months ago.  This inexpensive restaurant with its lively energy always his first pick for a dinner out.  Our group acknowledging the significance of this day with stories and laughter over a meal.  Helping to take the edge of an extremely difficult occasion. 

My Son's Birthday

January 8, 1986.  The day my baby boy was born.  So many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and heart today.  Carrying that little life full of potential.  Expecting him to be a her.  Thrilled to be wrong.  Easiest baby ever.  Such a loving and playful child.  Growing into a confused, risk taking teen.  So many ups and downs.  Becoming a young man attempting to find his way.  Spending his last birthday in the hospital.  Having again walked to the middle of the bridge the evening before.  Contemplating suicide once more.  Then picking up the pieces and finding resolve.  Optimism and hope.  Twenty-five.  For years the magic number friends and acquaintances were repeating. Assuring me that often boys did not begin to mature until then.  For Michael, celebrating twenty-five birthdays would be all that he needed. There would be no more.  Cannot begin to describe what it feels like to be observing this day without him. 

Ten Months or Last Year

Tomorrow marks ten months since the accident.  Observing how different it feels to state that it happened last year.  To say that my son died last year.  A simple word substitution causing such a pronounced shift in perspective.  Discussing it in terms of 'months' indicating that the event occurred recently.  Very much reflecting the way it still feels. The words 'last year' implying it transpired some time ago.  Noting reluctance on my part to describe it this way.  Due to the assumption of less intense emotional attachment perhaps.  Not ready for that yet.  Still perceiving that it happened such a short time ago.  That curious concept of time coming into play once again.  The stark reality is that the event happened.  The language used when referring to it does not alter the actual incident.  What is does is affect and reflect my reaction to it.  Two separate issues.  One I can choose to change, the other I cannot.

Flowers Flowers Everywhere

Oh my, what a day it was.  Heavy rains falling all morning.  The first time my autistic companion and I would be forgoing our walk. Suddenly, an unexpected break in the weather.  Heading out in our rubber boots.  Mine bursting with colourful hearts.  Perfect for navigating the water logged trail and its plentiful mud puddles. Halfway into our creek side stroll, noticing a small shiny object lying in the dirt. The size of a penny.  Silver in colour.  Dismissing it as a piece of trash. Carrying on.  Then stopping.  Backtracking.  Picking it up and turning it over.  Holding a clear resin flower shaped embellishment in my hand. In pristine condition.  Five multifaceted petals with silver backing.  Not valuable in the traditional sense.  However, priceless to me.  Instantly recognizing this as a sign from my late mother.  Laughing out loud. January 4th, her birthday.  A task that had already been planned for later that afternoon?  Purchasing a bouquet to tie to her memorial bench in the Village.  More than a token gesture.  As an avid gardener, flowers had been a great passion of hers.  Evening came.  Off to Open Circle with guided meditation at the ISA.  The facilitator describing a grassy meadow to explore.  Mine filled with red poppies instead.  Trying hard to find the grass.  The poppies stubbornly remaining.  Continuing along a path.  Hearing the message whispered by the trees, "You are doing it". Reassuring me that I was on the right track.  Arriving at a bench and resting there.  Soon feeling my mother hug me from behind.  Pink and gold energy surrounding us.  Just as described in a previous ISA encounter.  Then clearly hearing my mother utter three words. "Forget me not."  Initially confused.  Of course not, she was my mother.  Then, the aha moment.  At her service ten years ago, I had arranged for two kinds of seed packages to be available for guests to take home.  Plant in her memory.  Poppies was one, forget-me-nots, the other.  Yesterday, a colourful day filled with flowery signs from spirit.  Not consciously asked for.  Yet offered up in abundance for me to recognize and treasure. With love, beauty, and uplifting energy.  Dankeschön Mama. 

Adapting to New Realities

Speaking to a woman recently widowed.  One of five mothers in my circle of friends and acquaintances dealing with this new challenge within the past year.  Conversation turning to the topic of grieving. Listening to each other's stories.  Comparing similarities and differences between our situations.  She, of course, missing her husband.  At the same time, imagining that losing a child would be more difficult to deal with.  Two words in particular striking a chord. Untimely death.  Not heard it expressed so succinctly before. Regardless of the particulars, all of us adapting to our new realities.  To the best of our abilities. 

Time Does Not Exist

Time does not exist.  Exposed to this idea many years ago.  Hearing those exact four words while sleeping one night.  Understanding the truth of this phrase the moment it was presented.  Upon awakening, immediately recalling the concept.  Recognizing the importance of it. Presently noting that Samoa recently switched time zones.  Resulting in the 'loss' of an entire day.  December 30, 2011 did not exist in that country.  Another opportunity to question the generally accepted concept of time.

Promising Year

A year filled with promise and adventure.  Becoming a grandmother, travelling, and continuing to write.  Looking forward to many rewarding times ahead.  Embracing further change.  Without that intense spiking energy present this time last year.  Sensing a lighter, less dense quality to the beginning of 2012.