Unforgettable Phone Calls

It was a winter afternoon in late January 1966, when the telephone rang.  My nine year old self was in our kitchen showing my mother some of the 'treasures' I had purchased earlier that day at my school's White Elephant Sale.  As I was walking into the living room to answer it, I told my mother that this was going to be someone calling to tell us that Canada Oma had died.  ( My two German grandmothers were distinguished by the country they lived in, with my paternal grandmother here, and Deutschland Oma still in Germany).  Sure enough, it was my uncle calling from Peace River, to inform us that his mother had passed away there in her sleep.  She had not been seriously ill and was only 62 years of age so this was not something we had been expecting.  That is my first memory of connection to spirit and I believe that it is from her that I inherited my ability to 'see' and know the other.  Fast forward to the call I received a few weeks ago, just before 2pm on March 7th.  My husband called me on my cell and without any preamble asked me where I was. I told him I was at home and all he said was, "Wait there, I'll be home in ten minutes," and hung up. In that moment I knew that my son was dead.  I walked out into the backyard, stood in the sunshine with my eyes closed and from deep within I asked the Universe to please give me the strength to endure what lay before me. 

Grateful for Social Media

For our family it has been a huge benefit to be so connected via social media.  Coincidentally, this is the field Michael was studying through online BCIT courses and implementing at work.  Staying in touch through Facebook pages, "In Loving Memory of Mike Gibson" and "Love and Prayers for Kelly", helped all of us immensely.  To witness the online connection and support for our family and friends was overwhelming.  People sharing their love, memories, prayers and photos on those sites continues to give us strength.  Of course, this was in addition to all the cards, flowers, food, calls and visits we received.  It's not as if social media replaced the more traditional gestures of support but rather, it added a whole other dimension that we would not have had available to us if this had happened ten years ago, and for that I am grateful.
( Further to this, see Greg Hoekstra's article Thursday, March 31st in the North Shore Outlook newspaper) http://www.bclocalnews.com/greater_vancouver/northshoreoutlook/news/119008559.html

Sadness

As the rain falls outside my window, I cuddle up with a blanket on my comfy sofa, Kleenex box in hand, listening to the songs that played at his service and allow the tears to flow. It feels so good to release some of my sadness. As the lyrics in Toby Keith's "Cryin' For Me" remind me, "I'm not crying cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm crying for me."  Even though my soul understands, my heart feels so sad.

Leap of Faith

When I first began posting here seven weeks ago, I had no inkling of where it might lead.  I was taking a leap of faith.  Faith that even though I didn't know why this and why now, I had to trust the guidance from spirit and intuition that this was what I needed to do. In a very short time, it has become an important part of my life.  I give thanks to all of you reading in Canada, Mexico, Germany, Japan, Italy, United States, Monaco, United Kingdom, Hong Kong, and Malaysia.  I am deeply honoured that you take time from your day to check in with me.  You sustain me and help me to continue putting one foot in front of the other every single day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Fear of Death

Speaking to family and friends about death and trying to understand their feelings around it is for me an ongoing source of wonder. Fifteen years ago I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to confront my own mortality which allows me to process the current events with more ease than might otherwise have been the case.  I see the fear of death in so many around me and if I could, would wave a magic wand to release that for them all. Why the fear?  Fearing death will not prevent it, but it will inhibit one's capacity to fully live Life. 

A Feather Bench

During a guided meditation at the ISA (International Spiritual Alliance) last night, I had a very beautiful experience. The facilitator's voice had led us each to our own bench, then left us in silence to see and feel what was waiting there.  As I approached my bench, I noticed that it was made of tiny white feathers ( like those I had seen the day before the accident), and I immediately realized how comfortable it would feel to sit there. As soon as I did, I noticed that Michael was sitting beside me to my right, Kelly was sitting to my left, and Diesel was at my feet gazing up at me.  As I looked from one to the other, I could feel the pure and peaceful energy of all three.  Then with his big smile, Michael leaned over and told me he had known ahead of time that I would be able to handle this, and that was why he and I were having this experience of a mother losing a child.  I understood exactly what he meant and knew it to be true.  A few moments later, in a voice filled with kindness and love, he told me that now I didn't need to take care of them any more.  At first I was surprised, but then recognized the truth of those words.  After the facilitator's voice brought us back to the room, I was left with the reminder that it is all unfolding exactly as it should, and that one day I too will return to pure spirit form again. 

Just Breathe

This morning I will go out into the sunshine for a jog along the seawall where I will absorb the warmth of the sun and the uplifting energy of the ocean's ions . Throughout my run, and over the course of the day, I will repeat my mantra of "Just Breathe". Two very simple words that will help keep me present and grounded.

The Weight of Grief

As I trudged along the mountainside trail early this morning, rain mixing with the tears on my face, I felt the weight of grief sitting on my shoulders, and in my heart. With each step, my legs felt as if they were carrying the load of a thousand pounds.  I had to look hard for gratitude and glimpsed it in the knowing that I will be surrounded by so many others this afternoon, all of us sharing our love and support in the sorrow of missing our beautiful Kelly. 

Heart-Shaped Balloon

A couple of days after the accident I was getting ready for a run, and wondered what it would feel like not having Diesel by my side. As I laced up my runners, an enormous transparent silvery pink heart-shaped balloon appeared above me, with both Diesel and Michael suspended inside, smiling and exuding peaceful loving energy.   That heart hovered above me for the entire run, and I understood that both of them would always be with me, albeit in a different form.  Then, on the morning of Michael's service, as I was meditating, the heart appeared again.  I had been asking for all three to please share their strength, and help me through this day. This time, I saw that the heart had been stretched on one side and made even bigger to allow Kelly to join them there!  It was such a beautiful and powerful image for me to hold on to, not only for that day, but for all those yet to come. 

Two Weddings and a Funeral

2009, the year our family and friends joined together on a beach in West Vancouver for a fabulous celebration of our daughter Kate's marriage to Scott.  2010 gave us all yet another opportunity to gather and rejoice at our daughter Stephanie's marriage to Brook, on the rocky shores of the Sunshine Coast. 2011, the year our family is joined in a North Vancouver forest by all who knew him, to celebrate and honour our son Michael.  There may not be the happiness and joy today that we felt during those previous occasions,  but I do know that the beauty, love and support will definitely be there.  

Solace in Nature

Out in nature, that's where I find my solace.  Away from the busy and should dos.   Slowly and deeply breathing in that life force as I wander along the trail, allowing my mind to notice the fern and the snowdrop, hearing the river running full and the birds singing so sweetly. Smiling when I can, tearing up when I need to. Cycling through my emotions.  Feeling gratitude for all I have and ever have had.  It is here where I most often hear the words or phrases that awaken an understanding within.

It Had to be Both?

How strong are you asking me to be?  It wasn't enough that one should die?  It had to be both?  I know that I will feel joy again but for now I will shed tears. 

Gratitude in my Heavy Heart

My heart is feeling very sad and heavy today, and yet I also feel gratitude because we are the fortunate ones.  As we grieve our losses, we are surrounded by so much love and support from family, friends, co-workers, and community.  The food, flowers, cards, emails, calls and visits comfort us and give us strength.  I can walk along the river and let my mind wander.  I can sleep in my warm bed to restore myself for what's to come. I can listen to soothing music to ease my pain. That is not the case across the sea where entire communities are devastated with multitudes left behind without access to even the most basic components of survival, let alone receiving any emotional or physical support to help them with their monumental losses.  I have faith that gratitude will get me through this, as it has never failed me in the past.

Asking For Help

Our assignment was to have Michael's eulogy ready by Sunday afternoon when we would meet with the officiant for the upcoming memorial service.  We had spent all day Thursday, as well as Friday morning, creating the obituary and felt absolutely drained.  How could we possibly tackle the even larger task before us?  On Saturday morning I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window when it hit me.  I could ask for help. I immediately knew who that perfect person would be. I called my best friend/"sister" to see if she would be able to take on this incredibly difficult job. She's an amazing writer, has known Michael his whole life, and due to a previous commitment that is taking her out of the country, she will be unable to attend the service in person.  Through her tears, she agreed and told me she would be honoured to do that for us. Yesterday she arrived here with her gift of a beautiful tribute to Michael.  I have come a long way over the years in terms of even being able to accept help from others, to now arriving in a place of being able to take it even one step further and ask for it. This is part of my growth in all of this crazy.

Invaluable Gifts

Kelly, you are such a beautiful, loving, and caring person.  You are also very petite, prompting the words cute and sweet to fall from my lips when describing you to others.  You are one of the strongest women I know - a rock for your friends and family.  No one should have to endure what you have these past few years. The family dinner the eight of us shared a week and a half ago was full of laughter, good stories, and affection for each other.  Then, last Thursday evening you and Michael made those delicious chicken fajitas for the four of us, and again, we shared dinner, conversation, and most importantly, each other's company.  The two of you so happy together and on top of the world.  Those evenings, along with countless ones before, are invaluable gifts that I will hold in my heart forever as we all move forward into this new reality.  My heart is filled with love for you as I watch you dig deep to draw on that strength you carry so that we may share the gift of many more meals together. 

Brown Clowns

Chocolate Labrador Retrievers.  Among other things, they are intelligent, silly, active, fun and easy to just hang out with. They are game for whatever is going on. Diesel was the dog version of our son, with his infectious smile, caring eyes, love of water, and cabin life.  Both living in the moment.  Those two had such a deep bond and understanding of each other, with Michael teaching Diesel new tricks right to the end. Hogan, our friend's dog, Diesel's half brother and hiking buddy, had flowers sent to our home yesterday along with a card to let us know how much he misses him.  Our daughter's dog Gulliver, Diesel's nephew, has been spending more time here with us as we all share stories and comfort each other.  The three of them, AKA the "Brown Clowns", enjoyed such great times together at the cabin.  We will miss Diesel so much but it was destined that he would leave with his best friend Michael so that they could continue sharing their good times together! 

A Difficult Choice

This was the most difficult step yet, standing in that cold room looking at the various display cremation coffins, imagining my baby boy's body, all 6 foot 2 inches of him, being placed in one of these.  Knowing that it was only the shell he had left behind was of little comfort in that moment. So many choices, from the purely functional to the ornate.  With lining and pillow, or without?  As I wandered from casket to casket, I kept staring at the most basic one, literally a cardboard box.  My rational mind could understand that it really didn't matter which one I finally chose, but my heart and soul felt otherwise.  As I contemplated all the options, Michael's sense of humour and practicality were trying to make a case about how appropriate that cardboard version would be. He was laughing as he showed me the comic connection to his work environment which was full of cardboard boxes, and then in his no nonsense way adding, "Mom, the fancier ones are just a waste of money."  He listened to my arguments with compassion and that sparkle in his eyes, and then smiling, he indulged me in my final choice.  Thank you Michael for being with me and lightening up that difficult situation, just as you had done for me so many times before.

Small White Feathers

Last Sunday afternoon, as I was gazing out the front den window I noticed two small white objects floating down through the air.  At first glance they appeared to be very large snowflakes but I knew that was impossible as it was too sunny and warm outside.  Then I thought that they could be small feathers but I didn't think any more about it. A while later I was downstairs looking out the back kitchen window and observed two more of these objects drifting down.  This time it made an impression and I wondered what the significance might be.  On Monday morning I opened the den door to the front deck and noticed two small white fluffy feathers lying right before me.  I then went down to the french doors by the back deck and noticed two more waiting right outside.  I gathered them all up and put them on my desk.  A few hours later, a constable came to our home to inform us of our son's death which had happened early that morning.  I have put those feathers in a glass dish for safe keeping - I feel that angels were sending me a sign. 

My Precious Son

I had been preparing myself for this possible outcome for a very long time and now that the worst has happened, it isn't a surprise at all.  I had the feeling for many years that my precious son Michael was not going to be on this earth for very long, and yesterday it came to pass.  Twenty five years young. I loved him with all my heart and he went knowing that his entire family loved and supported him completely.  Who could have known it would happen like this?  Literally, an accident, no one's fault.  It was his time and Diesel's time as well.  I am grateful that they have each other to continue on their journey together.  I will not say goodbye as we will continue to send love to each other always.

Metaphysical High

What a powerful weekend of metaphysical activity that was.  Doing a full evening of tarot readings along with five other readers on Friday night created such an enormous collective energy that was so invigorating both during, and after the event.  What I neglected to do later that night was a cleansing for myself and therefore, the energy of the evening kept me flying so high all through the night, that I only dozed in and out of sleep, never really getting into that deep restful state.  The following night, I met up with the Paranormal Investigation group and had invited an accomplished medium along.  She gave me the gift of valuable confirmation of my own experiences there including seeing the little girl I had felt in that building a few months before. Observing and understanding the energies around the pendulum we were working with was also very powerful.  I am so grateful for all the experiences that presented themselves to me these past few days and know that I am exactly where I need to be, as of course, we always are.

You Are Enough

There are those in our midst who are great visionaries, peacemakers, teachers, researchers, artists, scientists, all making an obvious difference in our world.  I am not one of these.  When I start to compare my own existence to those who are living such seemingly more important lives, I recall the words spoken to me when I voiced this concern to the Universe.  I heard the answer, "You Are Enough."  I need only to think about the yellow daffodil in my garden and be reminded that her only concern is to become the best flower she can, given the conditions within and around her.  She doesn't compare herself to the rich red colouring of the tulip, the height of the gladiola, the petite blossom of the snowdrop.  Instead, her efforts go solely into being the best daffodil she can.  When she has succeeded in creating the magnificent flower she was meant to be, my life is enriched as a result.   

Smiles

Smiles.  When I was a child in the early sixties, the bright yellow Smiley face with its two black dots for eyes and a black half circle for a mouth, made its first appearance.  It wasn't long before that image had permeated my world.  Smiley decorated the covers of notebooks, was plastered on T-shirts, worn as jewellery, stuck on car bumpers, hung from VW mirrors, and splashed across bedspreads.  As the internet took hold in the eighties, Smiley morphed into the digital form of an emoticon, making regular appearances in online communication. It was to serve the purpose of trying to convey an emotional clue of cheerfulness and positive feelings, in correspondence where the possibility of misinterpretation abounds, since body language and other non verbal cues are absent.  Here's the thing.  Nothing beats a genuine smile, for both the giver and the recipient. Today, I will make a conscious effort to smile at a minimum of twenty people, knowing that all I risk is the possibility of uplifting myself, as well as others, who may also be feeling a little low on this grey day.

Grandmother's Advice from Spirit

Why a blog? Why now? I had been told by intuitives many times over the past few years that I should be writing.  Each time I heard it, I assumed that they were referring to the writing of a book and in preparation, I had started rereading the journals I had been keeping for most of my life, paying particular attention to the times I experienced spiritual and intuitive moments.  However, the idea of writing a book didn't really resonate with me at all.  It never occurred to me that the actual entries I was making in my journals were the writing these seers may have been referring to. Then exactly four weeks ago today, I attended an evening of mediumship at the International Spiritual Alliance and during that session, my paternal grandmother came through. She was holding out a basket filled with laundry and the message was that I had a "laundry basket full of choices" available to me, with freedom that she hadn't had in her lifetime.  She went on to say that she knew how overwhelmed I was feeling because I had so many  possibilities to chose from. That accurately described the last couple of years for me - I so had many ideas swirling around in my head, but wasn't taking action on any.  She then told me to act on just one or two of those ideas this year, that it was now time to choose, and if they failed to work out, it would be no big deal.  The key was for me to take action now.  She reminded me that I have connection to spirit, just as she did.  After showing herself holding me by the hand, I was told how much she loved me, and then she was gone.   Well, I took those words to heart and I committed to daily postings on this blog, the site and title of which I had actually set up almost two years ago but never posted a single word.   I am so grateful to my grandmother for coming through and giving me the loving push I needed to send me on my way. 

An Angel Answers

A few weeks after my mother died, I was resting on a stone beside the creek near my home, thinking about her and asking for a sign so that we would know she was with us as we were celebrating my daughter's graduation later that day.  When I met up with my daughter a couple of hours later, she related an incident which had occurred to her at exactly the same time that my request was being made to my mother.  She had been walking along the sea wall path and in contrast to previous outings, had decided not to listen to music en route.  Suddenly, a tinkling sound caught her attention and when she turned around to investigate, she realized that the tiny pewter angel ornament which had been her Oma's, had fallen off her key chain and now lay upon the pavement!  Had she been plugged in to her tunes, that precious moment would have gone unnoticed.  Upon her return home, she handed me the angel, and it is safely nestled in my jewellery box as a constant reminder that angels are listening, and if we are available, we will hear the answers.