Self-Help Strategies

Recognizing the need for additional self-help strategies earlier this week, while navigating a predominantly grief filled day.  Prompting me to make an appointment for an early evening massage.  Contacting one of Mike and Kelly's friends to plan an upcoming coffee date.  Bundling up against the cold and stepping out to absorb some late afternoon sun on the patio.  While there, breathing deeply with eyes closed, asking for a sign of reassurance from my son.  Within moments, hearing the distinct sound of a hummingbird flying by.  The first one I have noticed this season.  Then moving inside to settle in on the sofa.  Rereading an old copy of The Little Prince.  Allowing this exquisite story to wash over me.  At the end of the day, none of these activities "fixing" the situation. Just doing what they were intended to which was to support my spirit. And that, they did beautifully.

Discovering the Courage

In conversation with one of Michael's friends recently.  She also struggling with darkness and suicidal thoughts.  Just as my son had for years.  Genetically predisposed to both depression and addiction.  Then having them triggered by life experiences.  Further aggravated by the stigma and misconceptions still sadly surrounding these issues. Encouraging the keeping of secrets and resulting feelings of shame.  All combining to create trying situations.  Personal challenges. Innumerable versions of these existing in varying degrees for each one of us.  Choosing particular lessons before incarnating.  Leading to opportunities for spiritual growth.  Remembering this assists with discovering the courage required to face the trials.  Enabling one to make advantageous decisions.   Towards a lighter and more joy filled existence.

Conflicted

Collecting ideas about how to best mark the one year anniversary next week.  The obvious visit to Boal Memorial.  Then gathering here at home with his sisters and brothers-in-law for mutual emotional support.  Relighting the gold candles used at his service.  Watching family videos.  Perhaps working on that unfinished puzzle Michael and Kelly had started, still lingering under the chair.  For dinner, ordering Chinese or preparing chicken fajitas.  The latter option reflecting the meal they created for us the day before leaving for their last cabin weekend.  Later, possibly playing a game together.   All simple but meaningful activities.  Connecting us to memories and the energy of our son and brother.  However, behind all this planning, certainly feeling conflicted.  On the one hand, focusing on honouring how much he meant to us and how deeply he is missed.  On the other, desperately wishing he were physically here instead. 

Playing With Light

Driving down the freeway to the International Spiritualist Alliance with three passengers the other night.  Two of them inviting themselves along to experience this environment for the first time.  Curious about mediumship demonstration and receiving messages from spirit.  En route, briefly describing the process to them and what they could expect. Midway through this conversation, passing through a tunnel. Emerging from there to discover every one of the dozens of streetlights repeatedly flashing on and off in unison.  This activity continuing alongside and ahead of us for the next few kilometres.  Our group of four expressing amazement.  Remarking that this was something none of us had ever witnessed, anywhere.  Then sharing a good laugh when recognizing the likely forces behind this playing with the light.  Happily witnessing the magic of spirit connection long before arriving at our destination.

Phenomenal Perspective

Being out in nature.  Numerous opportunities for gaining wisdom there. One particularly memorable experience occurring a month after my mother's passing.  Strolling alongside a stream, inviting her to please continue sending signs.  A few steps later, looking across into the forest, focusing on the most distant point.  Hearing, "Just because you cannot see it does not mean it does not exist."  A phrase filled with double negatives, but the message quite clear.  Pointing out that based solely on what I could see, the forest ended at that furthest visible point. However, the whole of my being understanding it continued much further.  Having walked there many times before.  Comprehending the existence of more.  An entire world flourishing beyond what my eyes were perceiving.  The spirit world together with Mother Nature communicating a reassuring perspective on death.  Bestowing awareness regarding the ongoing existence of my mother's essence, despite leaving the physical realm.  Phenomenal.  

Profound Shifts

What a fascinating period this is shaping up to be.  Recognizing profound shifts in the lives of many.  Not limited to friends and family. As if the cracks and fissures created during the intense shakedown of the past year have finally given way.  Necessitating the restructuring of ones day-to-day engagement.  Calling for the courage to step into the unknown.  Initially, with the likely companions of discomfort and apprehension.  Leading to magnificent opportunities offering incredible potential. 

Brighter Days

Despite these grey and damp skies, the unmistakable presence of hope exists.  Noticing a multitude of spring's early signs.  Well ahead of the official date, still four weeks away.  Appreciating clusters of delicate snowdrops in a neighbour's garden.  Passing by bushes profusely adorned with pink hued buds.  Grateful for the masses of daffodils inching their way closer to flowering.  Surprisingly spotting an early blooming cherry tree yesterday afternoon.  All this new life, combined with increasing daylight, attempting to brighten the days with optimism and cheer. 

Ouija Concern

Running errands in a historic part of our city.  Spotting a quaint shop filled to the rafters with curios and antiques.  Stepping inside to discover a Ouija board resting on a shelf amid the clutter.  Feelings of concern instantly flooding in.  Vividly recalling a personal experience with this divining tool.  Ignorantly using it with adverse affects.  Leaving me with uncomfortable results.  Exactly twenty years ago, during a weekend away with a group of women friends.  Only learning of the recommendation to stay away from this low form of channelling after the fact.  Definitely not a game to be played with.  Hoping the board for sale in this store lingers there forever.

Heartfelt Visit

Spending an engaging evening over wine and appies with one of my daughters here last night.  Along with two acquaintances adjusting to a very recent loss.  This mother and daughter now a family of two.  The four of us taking turns filling each other in.  Sharing anecdotes about the ups and downs of life.  Some much appreciated laughter too. Touching upon the gifts available to us after experiencing a profound loss.  Greater compassion for others.  Increased confidence and freedom to make fitting choices for oneself.  Deeper appreciation for the right here, right now.  A heartfelt visit leaving me feeling connected, uplifted, and grateful.

Detach With Love

Detaching with love.  A difficult lesson frequently presented to me in this lifetime.  With close family members.  The arena in which so much opportunity for learning occurs.  First hearing it described this way at an Al-Anon meeting.  Concerning being in relationships with people who are dealing with addiction.  Working on separating an addict's behaviour from the essence of their soul.  Enabling me to love an individual while simultaneously choosing not to tolerate the objectionable, and often hurtful, conduct.  Vividly recalling an incident from long ago.  Receiving guidance with this after an hour of still time. While meditating on an important relationship.  Hearing the phrase, "Compassion yes, responsibility no."   Often falling short when trying to put into daily practise, but definitely worth striving for.  Providing a healthy alternative to engaging in anger, drama and pain.

Sense of Unease

It began a few days ago.  This underlying sense of unease.  Anticipating the first anniversary of my son's death.  Not dwelling on it but definitely feeling anxious.  Surprised to discover this heightened emotional state beginning already.  The actual date still three weeks away.  Reassuring myself that like the difficult days that have gone before, this too shall pass.  Contemplating meaningful ways for our family to mark the occasion.  A part of me wishing I could already be on the other side of that weighted day.   

Love Birds

Admiring the two miniature bronze lovebirds perched upon the cabinet. Ones I presented to my husband on Valentine's Day last year. Contemplating the third tiny bird nestled in-between.  Resting upon a leaf.  Slightly smaller than the others but similar in style and colouring. Placed there last March.  Receiving this sympathy gift days after the accident.  A shopkeeper in our neighbourhood impulsively picking it up off a shelf.  Then handing it to a family friend to pass on to us. Unaware that there were already two birds awaiting it at home.  Such an exquisite moment of synchronicity. 

Intriguing Obituaries

Browsing through the obituaries in the paper this morning.  Something I have done for years.  True to that Scorpio trait of being intrigued by death.  Noting the words chosen when condensing a life into a few sentences.  Reading between the lines.  Observing which aspects of a person's lifetime are included and considering those which might purposefully be omitted.  Paying attention to their ages.  A few living mere hours, some over one hundred years.  Most falling somewhere in-between.  Wondering about those indicating no service by request. Recognizing that the majority of obituaries are written by loved ones, a number by care facilities, and on occasion, by the individual themselves.  An exercise my son had undertaken less than a year before he died.  Unbeknownst to his family.  To facilitate gaining clarity for himself.  Sealing it in an envelope.  One of his sisters discovering it within days of his passing.  His father reading it aloud at his funeral. Imparting a clear sense of what was in Michael's heart and what he aspired to be remembered for.  Ending with, "You will be greatly missed!"  Indeed, he certainly is.

Extraordinary Farewell

Waking early yesterday to savour our final beach morning.  Meditating on the rolling waves.  Sending out a silent request.  Asking if it might be possible to witness a whale breaching nearby before journeying home. Then heading out for a short walk.  Keen to absorb a few last precious rays.  Spotting a humpback not too far in the distance.  Repeatedly tail slapping as if conveying a farewell.  Sending it gratitude from my heart for that.  Returning to the condo to pack our bags.  Locking the sliding door off the lanai.  Standing up to take one last look at the view with my husband.  In that exact moment, seeing a huge whale breaching directly before us!  This only the second one we observed doing this in close proximity during the entire twelve days here.  Beholding the first one while aboard a whale watching trip.  Walking out the front door and leaving with an enormous smile on my face.  Once again deeply impressed by how beautifully the universe listens.

Om Bath

Some love to shower, others prefer to bathe.  Myself, definitely one of the latter.  Enjoying the grounding effect of soaking in a tub of warm water.  Not long ago, discovering an entirely new bathing experience. Accomplishing it without getting wet.  A meditation teacher leading our group through an Om Bath.  In lieu of participants beginning and ending the Om chant simultaneously, having us stagger the start. Immersing ourselves in continual Oms over the course of fifteen minutes.  Akin to singing rounds in a choir.  Phenomenal sound experience.  Bathing fully clothed.

Inspired Writing

Writing these daily entries for exactly one year now.  Accepting the challenge my Oma's spirit lovingly presented.  Never imagining how meaningful this endeavour would become.  Certainly not creating this all on my own.  Continuing to receive inspiration from the unseen. Enabling me to receive support and encouragement from caring individuals in over seventy countries.  Grateful to each and every one. 

Postcard From Hawaii

Very much appreciating these rejuvenating days in the sun.  Yet, there is no escaping the loss.  No place on earth exists where that would that be possible.  Not even here in paradise.  Marking eleven months today. Thinking about you innumerable times, each and every hour.  While swimming with the honus and asking to share their strength.  In conversation with the affable young man considering a job opportunity in Alberta.  When spotting the handcrafted transparent shell ornament consisting of two doves with a heart suspended between them.  And so many of the moments in-between.  Postcard from Hawaii.  Michael, wish you were here.

Curious Observation

Over lunch at a busy restaurant with my husband Saturday afternoon.  Reminiscing about our son.  Wishing I could ask him something only he would know the answer to.  Half-jokingly suggesting aloud that he, "Knock once for yes, twice for no."  Knowing it was too noisy to actually hear a reply.  This morning, my husband offering a curious observation. Remarking that the numbered ticket he had received for our dinner pickup that same day was number 13.  Then Sunday, his rental agreement contract, number 13.  Within twenty-four hours, the only two activities we had engaged in concerning numbered paper receipts.  Both referencing Michael's favourite number.  

Definition of Beauty

Humpback whales.  Never given them much thought.  Stocky dark coloured body incorporating a hump.  Head and jaw covered with knobs.  Not particularly beautiful at all.  Dismissing them as ugly in fact.  Judging them solely on pictures I had seen.  Now spending a few days sharing these warm waters.  Swimming and snorkelling in their breeding grounds.  Marvelling at their spectacular breaching and tail slapping.  Entertained by the males singing their complex songs. Smiling at young ones playfully engaged.  Offering me an opportunity to rethink my definition of beauty.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

My husband so often reminds me of my son.  With his body language, comments he delivers, and some of the choices he makes.  Both smart, funny and capable guys.  Two tall, blue-eyed, handsome men. Yesterday, over a leisurely breakfast outdoors.  Commenting aloud to my husband about him balancing precariously on his chair.  With that grin on his face and gleam in his eyes, throwing out the cheeky comeback of, "What could possibly go wrong?".  Indeed.  Words that could easily have been spoken by my son.  Reflecting that happy-go-lucky attitude. Providing us with another opportunity for full blown laughter.  To the point of tears.  Words to hold on to for subsequent smiles. 

Healing Islands

Falling into a welcoming beach chair.  The two of us returning after strolling barefoot for miles along the shore.  Settling in with eyes closed.  Feet resting comfortably in the sand.  Breathing in the strength of the waves.  Basking in the warmth of the cloud filtered sun.  Enjoying the light breeze caressing my cheek.  Feeling grounded.  Meditating on it all.  Within moments the words, "Help me heal" materializing. Intuitively repeating them with each new wave rolling in.  Heal.  This one word succinctly revealing why Hawaii, and why now.  More than a vacation or holiday.  The powerful elements of these islands lovingly extending themselves to us.  Helping to heal the trauma our souls have sustained.