Lasting Friendships

A walk along the seawall this morning with a friend of forty years.   Time to catch up on each other's lives.  A daily occurrence in junior high.  Less frequent during college and university life.  As young wives and working mothers, a couple of times a year.  More often now.  Our life philosophies may be different, daily routines unalike, and our neighbourhoods further apart.  It is the similarities however, that have kept us connected.  Married over thirty years.  Mothering three children.  Navigating family dynamics.  We both know what is involved.  The two of us valuing this relationship and making the effort to stay in touch a few times a year, every year.  Lasting friendships.  Priceless.

Gift of Sunlight

Sunlight shining down on my world today.  So scarce of late, this precious gift.   Very grateful for its presence.   Will be spending time outdoors soaking it up.  Tomorrow it may be gone.

No Better Word

Words.  When expressing emotions, I have hundreds of eloquent ones to choose from.  And yet, on occasion it is a very primitive utterance that fits best.  F**K.  An expletive used to voice the deep sense of overwhelming loss I often feel as I reflect upon all that has happened.  When it hits me hard that they will not be back.  That physical connection, gone.  No more hugs.  None of their laughter or smiles.  Spoken silently in my mind or forcefully expelled from deep within my chest.  Sometimes it is the only word to choose.

Incredible Communication Network

After a restorative week away, it was time to return home.  A short wait time posted for the Peace Arch border crossing, so that was our pick.  It had been years since we last took this route.  Upon re-entering Canada,  I powered up my iPhone.  While awaiting reactivation, I realized that my mother's grave site was only a short distance away.  Three months since my last visit so we decided to stop by.  Then, glancing down at my iPhone, I noticed there was notification of a lone voicemail message.  Pulling into Victory Memorial cemetery I pushed play and heard Boal Memorial informing me that the plaque had been mounted on Michael's space in the wall.  It was now complete.  What uncanny timing.  Date that message was left?  Friday.  Friday night was when the third dream involving Michael and Kelly occurred.  Concerning a family discussion about a possible gathering at the Capilano Wall after both the plaques were placed.  Are you kidding me?  This incredible communication network continues to amaze me.

The Dreams Begin

So, the dreams finally begin.  I had not dreamed of either of them since they died.  Then, a couple of nights ago, the first one.  About Michael, about me.  In it, the subject of his death came up and I was very angry at a stranger's passing comment indicating how little value she placed on my son's life.  I became upset to the point of yelling.  I left the scene shaken, formulating the blog I would write about this incident entitled, "I Lost It!".  When I awoke, I was reminded of so much.  That as a mother, I will still fiercely protect my son, even after he has passed.  That my anger can still flare up in a moment's notice.  And that clearly, blogging has become an integral part of my life.

The following night, it was Kelly's turn.  She was with one of her best friends and her twin brother.  Through the dream story, she expressed matter-of-factly that in the years following her mother's death, she was unable to depend on others "to do" for her in the way her mother did.  Despite the efforts of many caring people in her life, ultimately no one could fill those shoes.  When I awoke from this dream, I was left with such deep sadness.  However, upon reflection, I recognized a powerful testament to her mother's love.

Both dreams revolving around motherly love and death.  I was curious to see when the dreams would begin.  Grateful that they have.

Paradise in a Parking Lot

We pull up to an older motel complex alongside the highway. Tired looking room with basic decor and amenities.  Looks and smells like it has passed its prime.  Bend is close to fully booked so it will do.  After exploring the town and enjoying a tasty lunch, it is time for a break.  My husband suggests we check out the small pool, conveniently located in the middle of our motel parking lot.  Separated from the asphalt by a mesh fence, no more.  I envision cracked cement, peeling paint, and dozens of fellow vacationers splashing around in what amounts to an over sized bath tub.  Upon opening the gate, I am thoroughly surprised.  The entire area is completely renovated, everything looks brand new.  Pale blue pool with glistening white tile.  Shiny aluminum ladder and handrail.  Crystal clear water.  Comfortable lounge chairs on a clean stone patio. And no one there. With the pool to myself,  I spend three quarters of an hour swimming mini laps, mesmerized by the beauty of the sunlight dancing on the pool floor.  With the sun on my back, the rest of the world falls away. A form of meditation.  I am gliding in that magnificent space where the air meets the water.   Existing in both realms simultaneously.  Pure bliss.  I found paradise in a parking lot.

Struggle or Suffer?

Suffer or struggle?  Two words similar in length each containing four common letters and a double consonant.  They may appear to be interchangeable.  However, when facing challenges, the word we use speaks volumes.  One person describes suffering from a condition.  Another shares that he struggles with it.  Suffering is the victim's word of choice.  One who tolerates the situation.  Allows the power to reside elsewhere.  Struggle implies exerting great effort trying to achieve positive results.  A person of strength.  So much expressed in just one word.

Making Us Laugh

"Letters to Uncle Mike".  This was the title of the book my eyes first landed upon as I entered the shop.  Skimming the back cover, I instantly recognized that same sharp sense of humour my son had.  A book filled with quirky questions regarding relationships, sex, manners, and more.  The kind that leaves one wondering, "Are these people for real?" All answered with an incredibly sharp wit.  My son was a keen observer of human behaviour and often used humour to share those insights.  He never got the chance to be an uncle but he did have many opportunities to share those laser observations and make so many of us laugh.

Soothing Seashore

Exploring the vibrant seashore.  Breathing in that invigorating ocean air.  Smiling at the puffins as they fly overhead.   Enchanted by the colourful sea stars and recalling that connection to a previous meditation.  Absorbing the soothing energy of the rolling waves.  Hand in hand, we amble barefoot along the beach, laughing as we create the sounds of barking sands.  Later, resting in adirondack chairs side by side, watching the world go by.  Every cell in my body feeling deeply relaxed.  So fortunate to be able to pass the time this way.  Being in the moment, together.

Road Trip

Pointed the car due south and set out on a road trip over the line.  No long list of things to see or do.  Time to just be.  Long overdue R & R.  Our last excursion to the Oregon Coast took place exactly twenty six years ago.  Two very young daughters, four months pregnant with our son.  The space bookended by these two visits embodied his time here with us.  Four months either side.  Intriguing.

Direct Communication

Argentina, Australia, Bahrain, Brazil, Canada, China, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kenya, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Monaco,  Netherlands, Norway, Philippines, Poland, Puerto Rico, Russia, Singapore, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Sri Lanka, Switzerland, Ukraine, United Kingdom, United States of America, and Vietnam.

People around the world reading my thoughts the moment I type them into cyberspace.   Most individuals accept this mysterious method of correspondence without question.  The majority do not understand it but see the evidence of its existence. What keeps some of those same people from realizing that communication with spirit is just as real?  Pure energy to energy contact.  Direct connection.  With faith and practice, our own innate abilities offers us this other style of communication with each other.  Experience the proof.  No technology required.

Magnificent Life

How fortunate I am.  A magnificent life filled with opportunities that challenge me to learn.  Cherished family and friends.  Access to an abundance of resources.  Time for refection.  Connection to spirit.  Good health.  Would not trade places with anyone!

Last Known Photo

When I first saw the photo, I could hardly believe my eyes.  The last known picture taken of my son. February 20th.  Standing at the ocean's edge looking directly into the camera held by his best friend.  Arms stretched out wide.  The ever present sunglasses obscuring the expression in his eyes.  A barely perceptible grin on his face replacing that 1000 watt smile seen in most other shots.  What is his pose implying?  Behold.  Here I am.  Come take me, I am ready.  I am connected to all of this.  Look at all this magnificence.  I embrace the world.  Some of this or none of it?  I will never be sure of what he was thinking or feeling in that moment, but I will continue to wonder.

(Posted as my Facebook profile picture today)

Intuition Speaks, I Listen

As I prepare to meet with the tattoo artist later today to discuss the design honouring Michael and Kelly, I reflect on my first one. Seven years ago, while running near the cabin, I heard a message loud and clear - You need to get a tattoo.  What?  A tattoo?  This was not something I had been considering at all.  A phoenix located on your root chakra at the base of your spine.  Talk about specifics.  I contemplated what this mythical bird represented and what it might look like but I had very little knowledge.  Scouring the internet for images and further insight, I soon realized that this powerful bird resonated deeply. The suggested placement was no mystery since the root chakra was the grounding force and connection to life.  I then learned that the first annual Vancouver Tattoo Convention would be held the following weekend.  Of course it would. Shortly thereafter, I knew what my tattoo would look like and committed to having it done.  During this process, I also recalled that eight years prior, my aunt had called to pass on a message she had received for me  - You are the phoenix rising from the ashes.  Rebirth.  This magnificent bird is located where I can only see the reflected image of it.  However, just knowing it is there continues to serve me well.

Moment of Perfection

Such a divine experience.  Sitting cross legged in solitude on the sofa outdoors last night, wrapped in a cozy throw.  Observing the arrival of dusk under clear skies as the moon slid out from behind the majestic cedar before me.  Comforted by the babbling sounds emanating from the dimly lit fountain.  Sipping a glass of wine, surrounded by candlelight, I was infused with reverence and tranquility.  Toasting the magnificence and perfection of that moment.

Seeing the Similarities

I ran into a business acquaintance yesterday and she shared her condolences.  She then exclaimed, "I know exactly how you feel!"  My first thought was, "No you do not".  Middle aged, never been married and no children.  She knew exactly how I felt?   She proceeded to tell me that after her mum died, she had cried every day for eight months.  My mind quickly proceeded to judgement - grieving an eighty year old mother versus a twenty five year old son.  After a few minutes of small talk we said our goodbyes.  As I left, I reflected on her comment and my reaction to it.  I then remembered something that I had momentarily forgotten .  Grief is an emotional reaction to the loss of any relationship that had great meaning in ones life.  She obviously experienced very deep pain with that loss and imagined the same for me.  My desire to measure and compare our situations focused on our differences and created separation in my mind.  Seeing the similarities brought me back to a place of connection.  Much better.

Another Milestone

Today marks our 32nd wedding anniversary.  Also, four months precisely since that fateful day.  My husband and I will commemorate by delivering the cheque to Canuck Place Children's Hospice. Then, an intimate lunch somewhere.  Acknowledging the efforts and gifts of each other.  Celebrating what we have created together.

A Day Without Tears

No tears at all yesterday.  Observing that there have been a few of these monumental days now.  As the hours drift by, the pain still resides underneath most breaths that I take.  However, it has begun to feel less raw.  The sun and warmer temperatures certainly don't hurt.

Hang in There

I am not a cat person.  I appreciate their beauty and grace but they have never been a big part of my life.  However, while swimming lengths last week, a vision of one popped into my mind.  I immediately broke out into a huge underwater smile.  Over thirty years ago, a poster was created showing a kitten dangling from a tree branch. The caption read, "Hang In There".  It became extremely popular and for good reason.  Every one of us can identify with that remark.  A soothing pep talk for my soul.

Finished Painting

A couple of summers ago, Michael asked if he could borrow my paints and a blank canvas.  That afternoon, he and Kelly set up the easel in the backyard adding colour to that empty canvas together.  As I contemplate this 18x14 artwork, my eyes travel along the perimeter from the green tree to a pink rose and around to the various geometric shapes done in primary colours.  Over to a blue flower, and a blueberry perhaps? Located in the centre of the painting is a fiery red, yellow and orange form.  Possibly flower petals or flames.  Half of the canvas still remains white.  I kept waiting for them to complete this unfinished work.  Today I finally understand that it is finished.  A creative and visual representation of their time here.  Not lives cut short, unfinished.  Rather, lives experienced as they needed to be.  Then moving on.

Heavy Energy

Sensing such uncomfortable energy.  Full moon energy two weeks early.  As if a very heavy blanket has been draped over the earth.  Weighed down.  Eclipse energy perhaps?  Witnessing it in the weather pressure, road congestion, accidents, general unease.   Good opportunity to recommit to daily meditation as I wait for this to pass.