Birthday Letters

Do you have young children in your life?  Sons, daughters, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or godchildren?  For each one of my children I had a special notebook in which I wrote annual Birthday Letters to them from age one to eighteen.  I would note their interests, experiences, family life, and highlights of the year.  When they became adults, they had the opportunity to revisit their younger years, tap into some memories, and see their childhood through my eyes.  Such a priceless gift from one heart to another.

Kelly's and Michael's Spirits Give Thanks

Attending an evening of mediumship always leaves me feeling deeply connected to spirit, but last night was extraordinary as one of my daughters and I experienced very powerful connections.  Words are woefully inadequate when trying to describe such encounters as it is something one must personally experience in order to fully comprehend, but I will share some of the highlights.  Not long into the session, Kelly came through to speak to me.  Information the medium shared so that we would know it was her included: a young person who wore her heart on her sleeve, endured some challenging relationships, was full of love,  a caregiver for the group, didn't like discord, and put much effort into trying to ensure everyone around her was happy but that it didn't always work out that way.  The medium saw many stuffed animals around her and let us know that she had been a very compassionate person who loved animals. Kelly then shared that she was continuing on with her growth on a different level now, was very happy (reiterating what she had communicated last time she came through), and pleased that she was able to come through again.  Her message to me was to thank me for being a mother figure in her life.  A short time later, Michael came through to communicate with his sister there.  The medium described the exact challenges Michael had struggled with for so long, and shared that even though he always had the best intentions in life and really wanted to do better, he could not stay the course, but that he had been okay with the consequences for his actions along the way. He also described feeling so alone much of the time. The message from Michael was that he recognized how much effort his sister had always put into trying to help him and that he wanted to thank her for that.  We were shown that my mother, his Oma, had been praying for him during those difficult years as she tried to help him from the other side, with the expression, "Mercy on your soul" coming through . The words Brother and January were also communicated ( the month of Michael and this sister's birthdays).   Kelly and Michael shared many other details with us, and we were both so very thankful that they made the effort to come through with more evidence of their continued existence.  

Evening of Mediumship

Tonight I will be attending an evening of mediumship at the International Spiritual Alliance.  While practicing yoga last night, I set the intention to connect with those who have passed including Michael, Kelly, my mother, grandparents, friends, and family pets including Diesel.  I am looking forward to being in that loving environment experiencing connection to spirit.  I always appreciate the powerful messages I receive as they help guide me in this journey of life.

Time to Rest

A few days ago, I experienced a guided meditation wherein the facilitator described a scene with sun shining through the trees, as I meandered along the path beside a creek in the forest. His words left me sitting on a small rock by the water's edge where I continued with the rest of my experience.  My first thought was that I desired a much larger rock, so it instantly transformed into a boulder.  When I realized that it wasn't very comfortable to sit on, a very thick layer of moss appeared on top.  Feeling the urge now to lie down, I curled up in a fetal position on that inviting moss bed.  As I lay there, I noticed a deer quietly observing me and heard children's laughter coming from downstream.  While I was resting in the warmth of the filtered sunshine, a thin blue blanket appeared, covering my body from the neck down.  A motherly energy began stroking me gently along the back of my head and down my back.  All I could think of was how comforting this felt, and how deeply tired I was.  I was told that I could sleep there for as long as I needed to, and that there would be no nightfall nor temperature change for the equivalent of three to four days.  It was interesting to observe that time was being described in the way we measure it in human form, since it doesn't exist that way in spirit. We were then called back from our meditation and I was so thankful for this nourishing reminder to take as long as I need in order to restore my energy.

Easter Sunday

What was I thinking?   It was Easter Sunday, the first holiday occasion without Michael.  It was also the anniversary of my mother's passing, so out to the cemetery I went.  Bad idea.  I only visit four times a year and had not been there since January.  Standing alone at her grave and thinking about my son being with her now, the realization that he would never again sit down with us to share a celebration hit me very hard.  He would always be with us in spirit but obviously it wouldn't be the same.  Thankfully, my husband and I were meeting our oldest daughter and son-in-law at a lovely restaurant for brunch later that afternoon.  What a lifesaver that was, transporting me to a place of gratitude.   Without that,  it would have been a very grey day, not just in terms of the dreary weather.  Once again, appreciating what is in my life, not what is gone, is what got me through the day.

The Anniversary of My Mother's Passing

Sunday will mark the ninth anniversary of my mother's passing.  She lived with leukemia for twenty five years, staying so positive and strong until those last few weeks when the cancer had progressed to her brain.  About ten days before she passed, I was talking to her about dying, letting her know that it was alright to now have her God take charge, and that it was not a sign of weakness for her to let go. As a lifelong Catholic, her belief system included Heaven and Hell, and she was now crying with fear, convinced that she was destined for the latter.  Of all the people in my life, she would be the last one to get sent there. To comfort her, I shared a story that to this day, don't really know where it came from.  There was a feeling that the words coming through me were not of my own creation.  I explained that as a fetus she had been safe and warm in her mother's womb, content with every need being met.  I told her that if someone had asked if she was looking forward to being born and leaving that secure place for an unknown environment, that she would likely have answered in the negative.  I went on to remind her that if she had not left that womb, she would have missed out on all this life had to offer. The experience of dying is the same as that of being born, moving from one reality to another. Who knew what rich experiences awaited her on the other side. Once I had finished the story, she calmed down and became very peaceful.  I know that she is in her Heaven and continues to guide me here on Earth.

Future Surfing

I first heard the phrase "Future Surfing" at an Al-Anon meeting about a year ago, and since then I have often used it to guide my thinking back to the present moment.  When I am faced with a difficult life situation, I sometimes allow my thoughts to tumble forward and imagine painful future scenarios, resulting in anxiety and dread.  What if he leaves me? What if she doesn't like what I have to tell her?  What if he starts drinking again? The reality of course is that I cannot control any of these outcomes.  Instead of "Future Surfing" I can focus on the present, look within and choose behaviour that is based on being true to myself today.  As we hear so often, all we ever have is today.

One Ball to Share

The sun was shining, the buds on the branches were in various stages of development, and Gulliver with his tail wagging, was carrying a huge stick in his mouth.  Such a deep feeling of contentment settled over me as I strolled along the trail this morning.  My thoughts drifted to one of the many lessons I had learned from my dog Diesel.  While walking, he would often find a tennis ball in the forest that had been left behind by another dog.  After repeatedly fetching and carrying this treasure, he would eventually drop it and continue on our outing without the ball, leaving it for the next clever dog to discover.  This one ball would bring much joy to so many.  No need for each one to have his own.   Trusting that there would be another ball to share in the future.  How beautiful! 

Learning to Meditate

Years ago, I had promised Lord Maitreya, a Spiritual Teacher, that I would make an effort to meditate every day in order to become more aware of the messages I needed to hear.  It was a pact really -  if You let me live, I will undertake this incredibly difficult task of meditating.  At that time, I had very little patience for sitting still and just being.  I found it to be a frustrating endeavour, with five minutes  feeling like an eternity.  My body would fidget with restless energy, and my mind was filled with thoughts of things I should or would be doing. I started training myself to stay seated by visualizing a seat belt fastened around my hips. I also visualized a tiny broom gently sweeping away any thoughts that engaged me. I look back on this image with fondness, but that was how I began.  Like anything else that is worthwhile, it took much practice to improve, but I am so glad that I persevered because without meditation, my life would be much less rich and meaningful. 

Kelly's Loving Spirit Coming Through

Saturday marked the first time that my daughters attended an intuitive workshop, and I was filled with pure joy and gratitude as they shared their experiences with me later that day. Thank you Kelly for coming through with your loving energy to give my daughters the direct experience and confirmation of your existence as spirit.  Hearing that you are very happy where you are and that you will stay close for a while because you know that so many here need you to, was very comforting. Your sharing that you now understand spirituality was perfect.  These are the kinds of experiences our souls comprehend, which helps us move forward with some lightness in our hearts.

Sun Dance

It was dusk as I sat in my leather chair last night, wrapped in a throw, absorbing the warmth of the fire, with a glass of wine in hand, crying while listening to the songs his good friends had put together for the service and reception.  When it feels as if it's all too much to bear, I remind myself that Michael and Kelly are together forever and that keeps me from losing my mind, barely.   When it is this dreary and cold out, it's so much more difficult to stay up and strong.  Can we please collaborate and do a "Sun Dance" to call in that light and uplifting warm energy?

Michael's Reccurring Dream

When my son was nine years old, he shared this very powerful reccurring dream with me.  In it, our family is standing on the grassy banks of a river running through a valley, with Michael and I on one side and Bob, Kate and Stephanie on the other.  We all jump in and start swimming downstream, where the river becomes increasingly stronger with rapids up ahead.  "Hold on to that rock over there Michael", I call out.  At this point he and I are still swimming on our side of the river with the others across from us.  He misses the rock that I'm now holding onto, while Bob and the girls head to shore.  Michael continues down the river alone, ending up in a whirlpool, getting spun around and pushed down to the bottom of the river, dying.  At this point he wakes up from the dream.  The river symbolized his spiritual path. My interpretation of this dream at the time was that even though he was part of a close and loving family, ultimately he was alone on this journey of life with difficult times ahead. That dream proved to be very prophetic.

Canuck Place Children's Hospice

Yesterday afternoon, Kelly's oldest brother and I toured Canuck Place Children's Hospice which allowed us to get a real sense of the value your generous donations in Kelly's and Michael's names means for so many  families.  This innovative facility was established in Vancouver fifteen years ago, the first of it's kind in North America, and it is now a model for the rest of the world.  How fortunate we are to have such an amazing group of dedicated staff, volunteers, private and corporate donors, all working together so that children living with life threatening illnesses receive the support they deserve in such a positive environment.  All families have their challenges, but by caring for others the way we do, our burdens are lessened which enables us to carry on.

A Grass Blade's Resolve

I love walking along the back roads near our cabin where I can observe the wildlife, while surrounded by beautiful scenery.  On one of the asphalt covered roads, I notice what I consider to be amazing feats of resolve. Every once in  a while, about one or two feet in from the edge of the road, I see a few tufts of grass growing.  It is not because they are taking advantage of a crack in the surface but rather, one cell at a time, these particular blades of grass have opted to push their way out from the darkness underneath this seemingly solid piece of asphalt, and have now arrived in the light.  It doesn't seem at all possible but yet there they are, flourishing, while their counterparts stay stuck deep down in the dark.  If a blade of grass can accomplish such greatness, what might you and I be capable of?

I Heart K P

It was definitely the right weekend for my husband and I to take our first trip back up to the cabin since that fateful day.  With the sun shining and all the signs of spring along the way, the energy was lighter and brighter than it otherwise might have been. When we arrived early Friday afternoon, there was still a thin layer of ice on the lake, but by Saturday, there were some patches of open water, and on Sunday morning, about half of the lake was ice free.  When we returned from our run yesterday, my husband stood out on the deck, and gazing down onto a frozen section of the lake close to our beach, he noticed that there were huge symbols and letters out there. At first, he only recognized a large heart but then realized that there were also three letters carved into the ice, I K P, with the heart symbol positioned between the I and the K.   I Heart K P, I love Kelly Pockett.  He called me over to share what he had discovered.  As I read the image, I felt a smile break out on my face and in my heart.  By today, that picture will be gone, as the lake readies itself for summer. The message however, will remain forever.  How fortunate we were to be able to witness that declaration of love.

Favourite Place

Today we will be driving up to the lake for the weekend.  It's time, but it won't be easy.  Laying flowers at the accident site and picking up belongings at the police station en route.  Arriving at the cabin, looking for signs of Michael's, Kelly's and Diesel's last stay there. Placing Diesel's fancy leather collar on Oma's willow tree to commemorate his full life. To balance out the sadness, there will be the knowing that this was Michael's favourite place to be, and that he was able to enjoy it so much over the years with his family, friends, and dog.  His energy will be felt there, always.

One Month Today

It's been one month now.  Much of the time every cell in my body feels exhausted and depleted.  It's difficult to think clearly for long periods of time. The physical toll mourning takes on the body is deep.  Today I fleetingly thought about the days ahead without him here to hug or laugh with, and I felt as if my heart would stop beating, so I quickly shifted away from that.  Going down that road is not something I want to do right now, if ever.   I remind myself that it has to be "One Day at a Time", as it is with everything in life.  I cry when I need to and smile when I can.  I miss him something fierce.

No Separation

One of my first experiences of Oneness occurred when I was sitting beside a creek in my neighbourhood gazing out into the trees.  I soon noticed that the edges of a small branch in front of me had become fuzzy and that the branch had seamlessly integrated itself into the space around it.  There was no longer a beginning nor an end to it.  I knew then that all the energy around me was connected. The physical objects we perceive as separate such as water, trees, stones, and each other is just an illusion, there is no separation.  It is only our perception that makes them all appear distinct from one another. 

Perfect is Not Always Nice

Ten years ago, I experienced a particularly frustrating day getting angry with my family about having to clean up after them again.  Later, after everyone else had gone to bed, I lay on the sofa, looked out into the darkness and asked for help in understanding what was actually going on, what was I really frustrated about?  It didn't take long for the phrase to come to me, "Perfect is not always nice".  This was repeated many times and I recognized just how profound it was. The word 'perfect' often conjures up positive associations - the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect mate, the perfect self. What's not to like about 'perfect'?  However, I was expending so much energy trying to achieve a state of perfection with perfect children, a perfect home, a perfect life, that I wasn't taking much time to appreciate what was actually there in the moment, and of course, that state of perfection never arrived.  It doesn't exist.  What did exist for me were my constant companions of anxiety, frustration and anger. Once I started letting go of the notion of 'perfect', I found that I was able to enjoy life much more.  I didn't give up wanting to do well or work on improving a situation, but I did start focusing more of my attention on what I already had, and this allowed me to be at peace more often and deeply appreciate my life.

Daily Gratitude

Focusing on gratitude daily helps me stay optimistic in difficult times. Today I am grateful for having had twenty five years of being Michael's mother, for all the joy as well as the difficult times that brought.  I am grateful for having a life partner who loves me, values our relationship, and makes me laugh often.  I am grateful for my two smart, beautiful, loving daughters who know the value of having a strong family and good friends. I am grateful for my two intelligent, dependable, and caring son-in-laws who would go to the ends of the earth for almost anyone.  I am grateful for my brother who is there for me in so many ways, always.  I am grateful for my friends and my extended family for sharing themselves with me. I am grateful for the people in my community for caring so much about each other and valuing connection.  What are you grateful for today?

Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask First

I was a young mother in my early thirties, with three children aged 4,6, and 8, when I found myself sitting in a counsellor's office weeping from pure exhaustion.  I was completely overwhelmed by all the internally and externally dictated demands on me.  I felt done. The gift I received that day are words I will never forget. "If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be in any condition to care for those you love."  It's as if I needed someone else to give me permission to take care of myself and that was when I began to understand that it wasn't selfish to take time for me, but rather, it would greatly benefit those I cared for.  I didn't change my thoughts and behaviours overnight but little by little, day by day, I started living those words.  It's like the announcement we hear on a plane when preparing for takeoff - secure your own oxygen mask first before assisting others around you.