Star and Starfish

A few days ago,  I experienced another magnificent guided mediation. As I followed his voice, the facilitator led me to a tranquil ocean beach, whereupon he suggested I put down a blanket, explore the surroundings, then return to the blanket where I would find a gift that had been left just for me.  In the silence that followed, I waded into the ocean and began swimming with the sea turtles that were close by.  I was so pleased to notice that no snorkel or mask was needed since I was underwater in spirit form and could therefore swim unencumbered.  I was in awe as the turtles allowed me to come close enough to stroke their large shells and feel their quiet strength.  Leaving the water to stroll back, I was reminded of how much Michael had loved these reptiles - in addition to having them as pets, he had collected glass, ceramic and plastic turtles as well.  When I arrived back at my rose coloured cotton blanket, lying there was a small silver star shaped pendant on a delicate chain.  A short distance away I saw another little pendant, the same shape as the first one with the addition of tiny raised bumps on it.  It was a starfish.  As I looked from one to the other,  the phrase, "As above, so below" came to me.  Then a long elastic band configured into a vertical infinity symbol appeared and as I stepped into it's path, I was able to travel up and down it with great ease.  It was with great reluctance that I left that serene place as the facilitator's voice gently prompted me to fully return to the room.  I was left with a very peaceful feeling and powerful reminder.  The stars may appear to be up in the heavens and the starfish down under the water but they are very closely connected, and to move between one and the other is not difficult at all.  

Comfort and Support

It has now been twelve weeks.  Thankfully, support from many still comes this way.  A high school friend of Michael's emailing her thoughts.  Another one calling to say he wants to come by for a visit. A flower arrangement from one of my husband's friends.  A text from my brother. A phone call from a girlfriend.  A letter from a distant aunt.  A dinner invitation from a friend. They all help to comfort and sustain me.

"How Are You?"

"How are you?"  An innocent enough question that often gets asked as I make my way through the day.  The supermarket cashier, the restaurant server, and the bank teller all greet me with this expression.  What I want to answer is "Very well, thank you" or "Great, thanks" but I cannot because I am not.  Right now, the reply "I'm alright" or "I'm hanging in there" is the best I can do.  I feel as if I should elaborate but I do not because at any given moment I am a hair width away from tears.  I know that the time will come when I can truthfully answer as I did before.  Today is just not that day.    

Autopsy and Ashes

Four more emotionally charged conversations related to my son's death, all within a few hours.  First, yet another call to the BC Coroner's office trying to track down the one form I still need to obtain from them.  I was informed once again that the Autopsy Report has not yet been completed which means their office cannot fill in the Physician's Statement I require.  This was followed by a phone call to the insurance company explaining my delay in not being able to supply them with all the information they have requested.  Then, I received a call from Boal Chapel reminding me that they are still waiting for my husband's signature before they can proceed with placing Michael's ashes in the space we have chosen.  That was followed by another call from them a short time later wondering when my younger daughter would pick up the small portion of the remains she had asked for.  An autopsy on my son's body.  Discussing his ashes again.  These conversations leave me struggling to fully breathe.  Thankfully all the people I had to talk to were extremely compassionate and kind, which makes it all a little easier to endure.

Update: Just after I posted this earlier today, I received yet another call enquiring about the proofing of his marker, which I had already signed off on four weeks ago!  Maybe I should have hired a personal assistant to take care of all these details because it sometimes feels like it is all too much for me to bear.

Relationship Contracts

Under sunny skies, I took to the Nature's Trust Reserve trails up near the cabin.  The sweet smell of sagebrush, magnificent views of rolling hills, and the sounds of various bird songs, all contributed to feeling peaceful and serene.  As the dog and I wandered, so did my mind.  I thought about four key relationships I have been engaged in during this lifetime.  It is here where I have been challenged at the deepest level and encouraged to grow.  The first one that came to mind was my relationship with Self.  Being diagnosed with cancer all those years ago, tackling that, and then choosing what to take from it was life changing.  In my Daughter/Father relationship, I was presented with various opportunities for growth, with perhaps still more to come.  Within my Spousal relationship of thirty one years I have been granted numerous occasions for learning.  Finally, there was my Mother/Son relationship which currently consumes most of my thoughts.  It was filled with great joy but also many trying times and intense experiences.  Before I reincarnated, I had made a contract with myself and with each of these souls, to challenge ourselves and each other.  I am thankful that we are honouring these very demanding contracts in order to gain the greatest learning, and I am certain that there is still work to do, otherwise I would not still be here.  

Sharing Our Stories

We all have stories. The narratives born from those meaningful experiences that shape us.  In terms of quantity or intensity, my collection may not be exactly the same as yours.  Different events, characters, or details might at first glance give the impression that we are living and telling vastly disparate life tales.  However, as I continue to listen, I often hear more similarities than differences, and regardless of the specifics, there is always something I can learn from yours.  Sharing our stories helps me keep my life in perspective. 

The Orchard Experience

I was curious.  Had I known my son as well as I thought I did? As I lay on his bed reading through the notes from his time at The Orchard treatment centre, I found myself feeling relieved that there were no huge surprises.  The new information that I did learn left me feeling sad, but not shocked.  After he died ten weeks ago, one of my first thoughts was gratitude that he had found the courage and strength to commit to that program last year.  By doing so, he gave himself and our family the gift of rebuilding relationships.  We were able to have the difficult conversations.  Without that shared experience, this new reality would feel vastly different.  As it is, he left knowing how much I loved him, and I am left knowing he loved me.  That goes a long way.

Lighter Energy

Much lighter energy today, inside and out.  Over sushi and sake, heartfelt conversation with an understanding friend helped lighten my spirits.  Meanwhile, the sun is beginning to work it's magic infusing my body with warmth and optimism.  Fully appreciating moments like this helps me better navigate the difficult ones.  

Family Challenge

A few days ago, a young relative of mine was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. He had attempted to end his life, leaving a suicide note for his family to find.  That family is where ours was ten years ago. If they are feeling anything like I did, there will be the initial shock, fear and confusion of the situation, followed by the anguish of knowing that this child is in such pain.  Then the ongoing search for help and wanting to 'fix' it.  At times, feeling helpless.  I desperately hope that there are services in their community that will be able to support this young person and his family find their way to hope and understanding. They will need all the help they can get as they face this challenge together. I will be there to listen and lend my heart.

A Cup of Tea

Sharing a cup of tea.  Being a life long coffee drinker, I am curious about this notion that has been repeatedly presenting itself to me these past couple of days, that of sharing a cup of tea with a friend.  I have many acquaintances but I do not have a large group of close friends. Which friend is it that I need to share time with now?  Obviously, a tea drinker.  Specifically, one who can understand the deep sadness that comes with being the mother of a child who for many years often struggled with such pain and despair resulting in many harmful behaviours.  One who will listen as I share that the grief I am experiencing now is not for my son, but rather for myself as I begin to fully acknowledge how wearing that was.  I will call my tea drinking friend of thirty three years this morning.

Silent Spa

I experienced a restorative afternoon at a Scandinavian style outdoor spa in Whistler this weekend, where all the hydrotherapy is enjoyed in silence.  No speaking allowed as my friend and I rotated between invigorating, cleansing, and relaxing moments, moving from warm pool to cold plunge, eucalyptus steam to cold shower, sauna to solarium.  In this mindful state, surrounded by forests and mountain peaks,  I experienced warmth, sadness, grounding, contentment, connection and gratitude. A sublime self guided journey that left me feeling deeply relaxed in both body and mind, further enabling me to continue embracing life and all that it holds.

Thank Heaven for Community

The sun is finally shining today, and apparently for one day only, so I will not spend much time writing here this morning.   I have just returned from a stroll to the village where I spent time chatting with neighbours and shopkeepers while doing my errands.  So much support and uplifting energy for each other as we shared stories, hugs and smiles.  Thank heaven for community!

Seeing the Light

It is another cold, grey morning here in Vancouver and I know that I am not alone in feeling extremely light deprived.  Living in this part of the world with limited sunshine, many of us suffer from light deprivation, resulting in low energy levels and depression.  Life events can certainly contribute to feeling this way but the lack of light definitely aggravates these symptoms.  I have just dusted off my Sadelite and placed it in front of me here on my desk where it will shine into my eyes for the next half hour.  This light therapy box produces 10,000 Lux and is used to combat SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), also known as 'Winter Blues'. It has been a few years since I have had to use this lamp and the fact that it is now the middle of May is unbelievable and unprecedented!  The light that shines inside me can only do so much to compensate for the lack of light outside, so today I am grateful for my Sadelite.

Mike Gibson Memorial Golf Tournament

One month from today our family will be hosting the first annual Mike Gibson Memorial Golf Tournament at Twin Lakes.  As the registrations and prize donations begin to roll in, it makes my heart feel good to know that many of his friends and family will be out enjoying a day of laughter and good times together.  A round of golf and a lakeside cabin BBQ - a perfect tribute to the memory of Michael, with proceeds going to Canuck Place, such a worthwhile cause.  I can well imagine him watching from above as we share a day of fun, feasting, and friendship. I can hardly wait!

Exploring Spiritual and Metaphysical Realms

I have been passionate about exploring spiritual and metaphysical realms for many years, and each time I practice my skills or take part in a related event, I feel more deeply connected to all.  Tonight I will be attending an evening of mediumship conducted by a British medium visiting from Cornwall, England.  As always, those spirits who are eager to communicate something of importance will come through her with messages for those of us in attendance.  By the end of the evening, most if not all of the audience members will feel more spiritually connected, regardless of whether or not they received personal communication from spirit.  Just being in that loving and peaceful environment is so enriching.  If anyone reading this is interested in experiencing this personally, let me know.  No preparation is required  - just come as you are! 

My Grandpuppy Arrives

Life goes on. I now have a chocolate lab grandpuppy to enjoy spending time with, a distant relative of Diesel's, as of yet unnamed.  He is a chubby bundle of joy, keenly exploring the world around him with such confidence. His new pack will ensure that he has healthy food, opportunity to play and exercise, fresh air, clean water, a comfortable place to sleep, access to medical care, and caregivers he can trust.  The love and resources that are bestowed upon this and so many family pets in my community far surpasses what so many children only dream of.  This is a good reminder for me to take action today and help a less fortunate child enjoy a better quality of life. 

Mother's Day

Everywhere I turn, I notice the promotions for this upcoming Mother's Day.  They arrive as flyers in my home, ads in the newspaper, commercials on television and radio, and on signage in retail locations.  I have always enjoyed celebrating this special day, without much fanfare but always with sincerity.  To commemorate my first Mother's Day in 1982, a beautiful card arrived in the mail from my best friend, who is also my oldest daughter's godmother.  What a simple but thoughtful gesture.  Over the years, there have been homemade brunches, flowers, drawings, cards, and occasional small gifts.  Being a mother continually challenges me to dig deep and as a result, I become a stronger, more compassionate, and courageous human being. Throughout this past week, I have once again been given the opportunity to practice staying focused on now.  When my mind begins to drift ahead and think about this coming Mother's Day without my son,  I become anxious, overwhelmingly sad, and feel a hole in my heart.  On Sunday I will be sharing dinner with my family, lovingly prepared by my daughters and their husbands, and for that I am so very grateful.  I am still my son's mother, I will always be his mother, and all the experiences of these past twenty nine years of being a mother will help me celebrate this first Mother's Day without him the best I can.   

Paperwork Pile-Up

Just get 'er done!  Today, on what seems like the millionth rainy day of the year, I will be working at my desk tackling the ever growing pile of paperwork related to my son's life and death.  There are still some outstanding bills to pay, a life insurance claim to process, accounts to close, and official reports to track down.  It will feel good to get some of this taken care of because the longer this collection of documents continues to sit there staring at me, the harder it is to deal with.  However, before I begin this daunting task, I will go out for a run to feel that life and breath connection which will help sustain me for the work I need to do.

Pearl Necklace

One early morning last week, while I was lying in bed drifting in and out of sleep state, I glimpsed yet another aspect of spirit existence.  I was shown a long and narrow, vertical clean edged crack located just beyond my reach, through which a female energy being was slowly slipping in towards me.  It was as if a huge wall was gently being pulled back from each end to create a sliver thin opening in the centre.  I was immediately struck with the understanding that I was being shown information about the subtle passage between the dimensions, and how spirit comes through to connect with us. Related to that experience, during recent weeks I am noticing those mysterious movements of energy in my peripheral vision much more frequently now.  That sense of someone or something passing by, and yet when I turn to look, there is seemingly nothing there.  As I continue staying open to new information, that profound early morning experience has added one more pearl to this ever lengthening priceless necklace I am so honoured to have the privilege to wear.

A Young Girl's Gift

Today I opened an envelope which contained artwork from a six year girl I have only met once or twice.  As I contemplated her drawing and read the accompanying card, I was so moved that my eyes began to water as love filled my heart.  Her grandparents are cabin neighbours, and this child had occasionally seen Michael and his friends at the lake.  I was told that when she overheard the adults discussing the sad events that had transpired, she had asked her mother for a piece of paper.  She then created a joyful, sunny scene in which Mike, Kelly and Diesel all have angel wings, and everyone, including my husband and I, are smiling with hearts floating above our heads.  In the card, her mother shared the daughter's explanation that she drew the three of them as the most beautiful angels ever seen, watching over everyone they love.  This child also wanted her mother to let me know that, " He loves his family very much and that he's watching over you all the time with a big smile."  That everlasting smile.  What a precious gift of creative expression this young girl shared.

Responsibility to Vote

I will be at my local polling station at 6am today fulfilling the role of poll clerk for our federal election.  It was instilled in me from an early age that the right to vote can never be taken for granted, and that it is a responsibility I have living in a democracy.  As I am often reminded, "There are so many people in the world dying to vote."  I hope that all who are eligible to vote will get out and do so today, and perhaps I'll see you there!