Taking Stock

Another calendar year drawing to a close.  Opportune time to take stock.  Reflecting on the great changes and challenges that occurred. All allowing for deeper learning and understanding.  About myself, as well as others.  A year rich in loving moments and experiences. Certainly one thoroughly filled with tremendous significance.

Forever

Gazing up at the large photo perched upon the shelf.  A carefree image of Michael hamming it up with his friends.  Finding myself once again ruminating on the concept of forever.  Initially viewing it from the purely physical perspective.  Contemplating the reality of him never sitting here on the sofa with me again.  It takes my breath away.  Then purposefully redirecting my thinking.  Flipping it over.  Turning it around.  Focusing on the understanding that his essence exists eternally.  Enabling me to resume breathing comfortably once again.

Energizing Experience

In conversation with an old acquaintance recently.  A teacher whose daughter passed a few years ago.  Describing the feeling he gets when connecting to her spirit.  Tingling that begins along the edges of his arms.  Then rapidly spreading from there.  Quite familiar with this sign myself.  Feeling charged.  Often experiencing the sensation when making a connection with my son.   During tarot readings over the years as well.  A physical indicator that contact has been made.  In my case, often accompanied by watery eyes.  Possibly due to the change in energetic frequency.  Raising ours while they lower theirs.  Enabling us to meet somewhere in-between.  Always an energizing and uplifting experience.

Candlelight Magic

The beauty of candlelight.  Simply magical.  Surrounding myself with it as often as possible.  Especially this time of year.  More than thirty candles placed in the living/dining area alone.  Creating an enchanting ambiance.  Not reserved for special occasions.  Enjoying their bewitching flames daily.  Down the hall, an entire pine cabinet dedicated to this endeavour.  Storing additional tapers, pillars and tea lights, along with numerous holders.  Affectionately known as The Candle Cupboard.  These candles providing such warmth and splendour.  Breathing life into the darkness.

We Did It

Outside of the funerals, personally finding these last two days the most difficult this year.  Feeling fragile all weekend.  Walking that thin line between holding it together and falling apart.  Phone calls, emails, and time spent with loving family bringing much appreciated support. Combined with deep breathing, some laughter, meditation, and numerous heartfelt hugs.  Taking time to send love to others experiencing a difficult time as well.  Collectively contributing to a Christmas that was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Myself, my husband, our daughters, and son-in-laws proudly embracing the expression, "We did it."

Table For Fifteen

Preparing for tomorrow night's dinner.  Setting the table for fifteen. Celebrating Christmas Eve here, German style.  As we have for the past nine years.  Carrying on the tradition my parents passed on.  My great-niece making her initial appearance at this particular event.  A few days shy of her first birthday.  Bringing her sweet energy to this family gathering.  Myself, unsure of what to expect this first Christmas without my son.  Obviously an emotional time.  Not lamenting over it.  Just going with it.  Knowing each person here will be missing him too. Directing my attention to what is present.  Simultaneously acknowledging what is missed.  Therein lies the balancing act.  Not tempted to wish this celebration away.  Never.  So much to be grateful for.  The individual aspects of this tradition continually changing as they must.  However, the integrity of the whole remaining supportive, reassuring, and intact.

Mother Nature's Gift

Grateful for the amazing winter weather so far.  Predominantly cool, dry days.  Bright skies.  Contrasting the more common scenario.  That of endless weeks of rain and gloom.  Makes a difference.  A big one. Thanking Mother Nature for her perfect timing.  Giving this gift, this particular year.  Very much appreciated. 

Luminous Occasion

Winter Solstice.  Our northern hemisphere experiencing the longest night of the year.  From here on in, less darkness, more light. Definitely worth celebrating.  Festivals, rituals, and gatherings marking this occasion around the world.  One such event taking place tonight in the Chinese Gardens downtown.  Complete with lanterns and live music. Planning on heading over to enjoy the luminous affair.  Adding fuel to the internal flame.  Helping to keep it burning bright.

Unique Journey

In discussion with other parents experiencing the loss of a child.  One mother mentioning something most can identify with.  Likely our biggest common denominator.  "The most important rule in life got broken."  Outliving ones child.  All of us branching out from there.  So many aspects influencing this journey of grieving.  Just as with any huge life altering experience.  The age of the child.  How she died.  The quality of life he was having.  The nature of the parent child relationship.  Family dynamics.  Personality traits.  Spiritual beliefs or the lack thereof.  Personal challenges the parent was facing in addition to this death.  Degree of available resources and support.  A unique journey for each one of us.  No two paths exactly alike.

Modifying Traditions

Filling Christmas stockings.  Truly the highlight of gift giving for me. Beginning in the fall.  Sourcing the ideal items for each family member. A collection of humorous, luxurious, and practical ones.  Wrapping up each little treasure.  All leisurely taking turns Christmas morning. Opening them one by one.  The girls spending the past couple of Christmas mornings with their husbands.  As they should. Establishing their own traditions.  So it had come down to the three of us.  Michael, my husband and I.  Diesel enthusiastically joining in.  Thoroughly enjoying ourselves.  This season, deciding against hanging the stockings for just us two.  Not keen on dealing with the emptiness that would so obviously be sitting there with us.  Simply because of how it came to be. Choosing to give it a pass this time around.  Open to reinstating that tradition in the future.  Understanding that eventually this is how it would have been.  However, this year planning to go snowshoeing instead.

Gathering at the Tree

This coming Sunday.  Our daughters, son-in-laws, my husband and I meeting up.  Decorating a mini Christmas tree together.  Starting this annual tradition at Oma's graveside ten Christmases ago.  Symbolically sharing the holidays with someone we loved.  Lighting candles clipped to the branches.  Singing German carols.  Recounting memories. Moving the occasion to Boal Memorial this year.  Using the same tree Michael helped decorate last December.  Adding some new ornaments for our brother and son.  Kelly and Diesel too.  Knowing my mother will happily meet us there.  All gathering together. 

Parallel Celebrations

Vivid imagination or a glimpse into the other?  Rather than focusing on loved ones not being here to celebrate with us, turning it around. Broadening the perspective.  Picturing their spirits having an amazing time of it where they are.  Seeing the possibility of parallel celebrations. Their experience filled with such depth and beauty.  They occasionally pausing to look over at us with loving hearts.  Wishing we could be there with them to feel that magnificence.  Reminding themselves that for now, this is how it must be.  That we all take turns moving back and forth between these versions.   Taking great care not to diminish the joyfulness of their festivities.  Understanding how disrespectful that would be. 

Recovering Equilibrium

Two steps forward, one step back.  After many days of feeling predominantly optimistic and upbeat, the spirit falters.  Yesterday afternoon.  Several situations converging in a short space of time. Looking through old photos in preparation for a commemorative event later this week.  Listening to unsolicited excuses from a relative about how long it has been since getting together.  Planning Christmas Eve dinner.  Exploring alternate plans for Christmas morning.  All contributing to wearing down emotional reserves.  Tonight a candlelight ceremony at The Compassionate Friends.  The support group for parents who have lost a child.  Following through on a suggestion Michael made last month, I will attend.  This activity likely to provide emotional support.  Assist with recalibration.  Recovering equilibrium. 

Comfortable and Comforting

Pulled out the winter boots.  White suede, grey rubber, red trim. Olympics 2010 edition Sorels.  Purchased to wear while volunteering for those winter events last year.  Guaranteed to keep me cozy and warm while trekking along the trail with my companion later this morning. The last time they were worn was nine months ago.  But not by me. During that first weekend in March.  Unbeknownst to me, Michael had packed them for Kelly to use up at the cabin.  For walking around the frozen lake and playing in the snow.  Wanting her to be comfortable. Personally anticipating a sense of comfort when wearing these boots again.  Looking forward to walking with them.

Seeing Love

Psychometry.  The art of discovering information about someone by holding an object associated with them.  Found myself practising this with a dozen people last week.  Each of us anonymously depositing something of ours into a basket.  Then taking turns pulling out an object.  Sitting with it for some time.  Writing down any impressions received.  Sights, sounds, smells, words, feelings.  Later sharing the information one by one before the group.  Lastly, confirming whose item it was and receiving feedback on accuracy of the reading.  Deciding to submit an heirloom ring worn daily.  One my maternal grandmother had purchased for herself many, many years ago.  Clean modern design consisting of three identical diamonds on a gold band.  Inherited by my mother, who in turn gifted it to me weeks before she died.  The resulting reading was impressive with the reader accurately commenting on my personality traits and recent events.   However, the highlight was the intense colour association.  This woman describing a most magnificent vision of bright pink, edged with gold.  Commenting that this was the most glorious shade of it she had ever seen.  Explaining that it represented love and that the owner of this ring was surrounded by so much of it.  That I know to be true.  Love.  Not only an energy we can feel, but one that can also be seen.

Birthday Presence

Dear Kelly,
As your father and brothers celebrate yours and your twin's birthday this weekend, I call upon you to draw in close.  That they may feel your presence and know you are there with them.  To remind them that you will always be part of the family.  As for me, I am so glad you were born and in my life.  Such strength, compassion, love, and optimism.  Thank you for being you.   
All my love,
Vera

Side By Side

Their remains now finally resting in peace, side by side.  Finding a significant measure of comfort in this.  Michael and Kelly so deeply connected in this lifetime.  Belonging together.  This a physical symbol of that.  In the aftermath of calamity, it can be the little things that matter. 

Nine Months

Doing the math.  Three quarters of the way through this first year. Anticipating the challenges that still lie ahead.  More birthdays without them, including hers and his.  Celebrating Christmas and New Years. Then Valentine's Day, followed by the one year anniversary.  Mulling over ways to best honour the occasions.  Striving to incorporate love and joy into each of these events.  Providing some balance to the obvious sadness of missing them. 

Providing Comfort

In conversation with one of Kelly's dear friends.  Discussing the reluctance of co-workers to mention Kelly's name.   Not speaking of their colleague who has passed.  Perhaps afraid of upsetting this friend. Fearing they may cause additional heartache.  If only they could be reassured that the tears and sadness come regardless.  That is our reality when we have lost someone we loved. The irony is that they would actually provide comfort by sharing a memory or remarking how much they miss her smile and cheerful disposition.  Hearing others speak of our loved one actually helps ease the pain.  Knowing they mattered to others.  That they are missed.  That they will not be forgotten.

Valuable Gifts

Wow!  What a fabulous gathering of youthful energy at our home this weekend.  Close to thirty of Mike and Kelly's good friends coming together to welcome the season.  Sharing friendship, conversation, and good cheer.  Crafting tree ornaments containing mini photos.  Old stories and new ones making the rounds.  All in an atmosphere infused with love and joy.  This, Michael's wish for them all.  To stay close. Support each other.  Further evidence that valuable gifts can be realized when acting on the power of a dream.  

Wondering Where You Are

Browsing through my niece's old photos on Facebook.  Coming upon one with the caption reading, "Christmas at the Grandparents". Showing the four young girl cousins posing in front of Oma's fireplace on Christmas Eve.  My daughters and my brother's two.  Taken in the mid 80's.  Posted in 2007.  Michael writing the very first comment.  Three simple words.  Asking, "where am I?" He being the fifth and last born of the grandchildren on this side. The fact is that photo was taken in December 1985, two weeks before he was born.  This coming Christmas Eve, it will once again be the four girls together.  Celebrating here at our home.  Now all married women building families of their own.  And Mikey, we will all indeed be wondering where you are. 

Celebrating the Light

Waking up to frost under clear skies.  Ahhh.  December now arriving in all its glory.  Perfect weather for slipping into the spirit of the season. Embracing the preparations and festivities.  With mindfulness and an open heart.  Celebrating the light.  In social gatherings or with just one other.  Choosing to continue finding the joy.