Riding it Out

Not surprisingly, I find this to be a difficult time of the year. The anxiety begins to build before Christmas, carries on through the New Year's festivities, then follows me into this week, as well. Today is the 7th of the month, the day I routinely visit Boal Memorial with fresh flowers. In addition, in honour of Michael's birthday tomorrow, I had also brought along a balloon. The January visit also always involves packing up the little Christmas tree we decorate there in December.

Creating a gratitude list (it's a long one), practicing yoga, engaging in exercise, having family time, and reminding myself that living with challenges is part and parcel of being alive - none of these strategies completely relieve the sensation of constantly feeling slightly sick to my stomach during this time. However, after tomorrow, there will be a reprieve of sorts, and for that I am thankful. Until then, I will continue to ride it out. Tomorrow evening, our family will celebrate Michael's birthday with stories and laughs at The Old Spaghetti Factory, as we do each year. This time, when I called to make the reservation, I mentioned that it would be a birthday dinner. No doubt Michael had a good laugh at that, picturing us explaining to the staff that the birthday boy is indeed with us, but happens to be invisible. Oh Mikey, what a ride.
Image: LBD Group

Thanksgiving Trailer Style

Spending the final week of our trailer trip here in sunny Palm Springs.  My husband choosing this deluxe RV resort for us to stay in, before heading home.  Manicured gardens, hundreds of palm trees, numerous birds, and gracious staff.  Enjoying a run this morning, followed by a long swim in one of the two outdoor pools after lunch.  Looking forward to a complimentary turkey meal with all the trimmings, at the clubhouse later on.  Celebrating American Thanksgiving.  How easy it is to be thankful in such opulence.  And yet, while relaxing in a lounge chair on the patio, overhearing complaints from some fellow guests nonetheless.  Most of them travelling in large, luxurious units.  Usually pulling an additional vehicle.  One commenting on how dreadful the next four years will be, referring to the political situation.  Another holding court in the hot tub, with his hard luck story of a having a flat tire.  A third seriously annoyed by the flies.   Leaving me tempted to work in that classic line of,  "My diamond slippers are getting too small,"  during dinner conversation, between the stuffing and the pie.              

The Power of Intention

Thankful for this week's occurrence of receiving nocturnal wisdom. Gaining understanding by way of clear, concise information.  Not dreaming.  No interpretation required.  Rather, having a sense of tapping into the universe's vault of knowledge.  Regarding my relationship with a loved one.  Where frustration had been building. Feeling confused on how to deal with it.  Deciding to take time for meditation.  Specifically, asking for clarity on achieving resolution. While sleeping later that night, fully experiencing the information, not just seeing it.  Finding myself placed in a frustrating situation.  Actually walking the path to unhappiness and dismay.  Then, being repositioned to the beginning of exactly the same scene.  However, this time taking steps along an alternate route.  Resulting in contentment and acceptance.  Immediately aware that the variable responsible for determining the outcome was the intention I was holding within.  In the first scenario, acting on the assumption that the outcome would be unsatisfactory and disappointing.  In the second, feeling optimistic that it was unfolding in a hopeful and loving way.  A powerful and timely reminder that how I experience something is simply up to me. 
  

Comforting Communication

Enjoying a glass of wine in these waning moments of this summer solstice evening.  Alone with lights dimmed.  Cherishing the warm glow of a beautifully decorated candle.  One covered in a delicate swirling pattern of sage and coral.  Sitting here reflecting on the moving events at the ISA tonight.  Receiving a message from my son.  Him describing a forest scene with sun shining through the trees.  Exactly where I had been running this morning.  Making reference to our communication there.  Something we always engage in.  Expressing his joy in being able to stay connected.  Passing on encouragement.   Knowing I need it.  My mother coming through as well.  Later, taking my turn up on the platform.  Practising mediumship.  Bringing a message through for someone else in the audience.  Thankful to be learning to serve in this way.  Then upon leaving, speaking to a woman whom I had never met.  Learning she is also living with the experience of losing a child.  Finding great comfort in our conversation.  Both of us wondering aloud what this journey would look like without the spiritual awareness.  Agreeing it would likely be very grim indeed.  Instead, so grateful to know what we know.

Spirited and Beautiful

Twenty-eight years ago today.  Welcoming my second daughter into this world.  This spirited little Aquarian born cross-eyed with crooked feet.  Beautiful just the same.  Bestowing upon her a name that never quite fit.  Then legally changing it just before her first birthday.  So thankful this wise soul chose me to be her mother.  That she picked this family to be born into.  Teaching me to be a better person.  Challenging me to consider other perspectives.  Continuing to enrich my life with her love.  Every day. 

Five Days in a Row

Five days in a row.  Without shedding tears of sadness thinking about my son.  A record thus far.  Worth noting and certainly thankful for. Not making assumptions today about what tomorrow, next week, or next month may look like.  Trusting it is all unfolding as it should. Fully appreciating this, right now.

Emotional Support

Strolling along the seawall.  Reflecting on all those who have given me much needed emotional support over these past few months.  Then moving on to wondering about those who have been noticeably absent. Ones I imagined would be there but are not.  Feeling perplexed and saddened.  Contemplating this.  Subsequently turning it around. Realizing that of course the same could be said of me.  At times disappointing those looking for emotional support from me.  Expecting something I was or am still unable or unwilling to give.  Each one of us making daily choices based on who and where we are in life.  Deciding where to direct our energies.  Thankful for those who continue sharing theirs with me.

Michael Makes an Appearance

Showing himself last night.  For the first time, appearing to me in a dream.  Wherein a dozen of his friends were gathering on the grass in front of our home.  Male and female.  Soon following me inside. Making their way into the living room.  Joining hands to form a circle. Supporting each other.  Me, proceeding into the kitchen alone.  Seeing my son standing there.  Wearing jeans and a long sleeved pale pink shirt.  Looking just as he had before he passed.  My mind instantly processing that his friends were unable to see him.  Then picking up on his thoughts.  Sensing the pride he was feeling for all of them helping each other through this ordeal.  Such a powerful dream leaving me deeply moved.  This morning, speaking to one of his sisters.  She describing her evening at the townhouse last night.  Baking banana bread while listening to songs that reminded her of Mike.  Later, together with her husband in the living room, watching the slide show that had played at his service.  Suddenly distracted by an intense white ball of light hovering in the kitchen.  The size of a grapefruit.  Seconds later, seeing it explode, filling the entire room with a brilliant flash of light. Then disappearing.  Same evening.  Same rooms involved.  Two completely different events.  Very likely related.  Both of us feeling connected and thankful today.  

Giving Thanks

Seven months now.  Some milestones passed.  Others yet to come.  The flow of each day still very much up and down, in and out.  Going along for the ride to the best of my ability.  So looking forward to this weekend away.  A tradition started three years ago.  Celebrating Thanksgiving Gambier Island style.  Games to play, dogs to walk, and a bountiful turkey dinner to share.  Above all, time simply spent in each other's company.  So much to be thankful for.

Shakti Energy

Shakti.  Sanskrit word meaning feminine divine force.  Creative power. Invoking this energy as needed.  Walking in the forest or seated cross legged with palms up.  Experiencing it recently in a guided meditation. My mother and both grandmothers showing up.  All three positioned directly behind me.  Fortifying me with the maternal energy they embodied.  Supporting me in this journey.  Feeling deeply reassured by their presence.  As mothers, they experienced numerous challenges.  Choosing this incarnation myself.  Fulfilling my deepest desire.  To be a mother.  Thankful for all it encompasses.

Illuminating Visit

Invited to their townhouse to share an evening meal.  A visit with extended family.  Enjoying tasty appetizers in the living room.  Then taking our seats around their dining room table.  Beneath the glistening chandelier.  Chatting, eating, and laughing together.   Halfway through, mentioning Michael's name.  Prompted by the topic of conversation.  The light bulbs above instantly beginning a flickering dance. This chandelier once again showing us that his energy was there.  My daughter and I making eye contact.  The five of us in awe.  Big smiles all around.  Gratefully witnessing it first hand.  The oscillating bulbs indicating his obvious presence for close to half an hour.  Then settling back down into a steady glow.  Lingering over desert.  Once again reassured of his continued existence.  So thankful for his illuminating visit!  

Walking Prayer Pose

Wandering along the mountain trail.  My companion, a young autistic man.  Slow and steady pace.  Perfect for paying heed to our lush surroundings.  Absorbing the breathtaking view.  Sampling the blackberries.  The expression on his face indicating they were still a little on the sour side.  Requiring a few more of these sunny days in order to fully ripen.  Observing two paragliders descending overhead.  A blue heron settling on a cedar bough nearby.  My hands coming together in prayer before me as we continue on our way.  Thankful for the gift of such a magnificent morning.

Kelly's and Michael's Spirits Give Thanks

Attending an evening of mediumship always leaves me feeling deeply connected to spirit, but last night was extraordinary as one of my daughters and I experienced very powerful connections.  Words are woefully inadequate when trying to describe such encounters as it is something one must personally experience in order to fully comprehend, but I will share some of the highlights.  Not long into the session, Kelly came through to speak to me.  Information the medium shared so that we would know it was her included: a young person who wore her heart on her sleeve, endured some challenging relationships, was full of love,  a caregiver for the group, didn't like discord, and put much effort into trying to ensure everyone around her was happy but that it didn't always work out that way.  The medium saw many stuffed animals around her and let us know that she had been a very compassionate person who loved animals. Kelly then shared that she was continuing on with her growth on a different level now, was very happy (reiterating what she had communicated last time she came through), and pleased that she was able to come through again.  Her message to me was to thank me for being a mother figure in her life.  A short time later, Michael came through to communicate with his sister there.  The medium described the exact challenges Michael had struggled with for so long, and shared that even though he always had the best intentions in life and really wanted to do better, he could not stay the course, but that he had been okay with the consequences for his actions along the way. He also described feeling so alone much of the time. The message from Michael was that he recognized how much effort his sister had always put into trying to help him and that he wanted to thank her for that.  We were shown that my mother, his Oma, had been praying for him during those difficult years as she tried to help him from the other side, with the expression, "Mercy on your soul" coming through . The words Brother and January were also communicated ( the month of Michael and this sister's birthdays).   Kelly and Michael shared many other details with us, and we were both so very thankful that they made the effort to come through with more evidence of their continued existence.