Signs of Support

     Tomorrow marks the 8th anniversary of Michael's death. Rather than taking flowers to Boal Memorial on the actual date, as I have in the past, this year I decided ahead of time that I would go this morning - a mental health choice that I felt would make tomorrow a little easier and more uplifting.
     A few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to participate in a community fundraiser - an afternoon Scrabble Tournament taking place on March 7th to raise money for grandmothers in Africa. My husband and I play Scrabble most evenings so I knew it could be an enjoyable event and said "yes", grateful for the distraction, the opportunity to support a good cause, and knowing I would have the support of this friend on a trigger day, another mother who lives with the loss of a child. Later this month will mark seven years since her adult daughter's accidental death.
     This morning, my plan was to walk my younger daughter's chocolate lab Barrett (related to Diesel and born four days before the fatal accident involving Mike, Kelly and Diesel), along the river for about an hour, then take him with me to Boal, which would be his first time there.  After getting into my car (which was parked in the carport), I reached over to close my door when I noticed one small feather lying on the ground nearby. Smiling to myself, I reached down and picked it up, then placed it on the seat beside me - thankful for this little sign.
     After fetching Barrett, I drove to Bridgeman Park, located beside Lynn Creek. Due to the ongoing construction in the area, I had not been there since last spring but today, it felt like the right place to go. I parked the car, leashed up the dog and let him out. He instantly beelined it to a fence post about 30 metres away, to take a pee. As I stood there waiting for him, I looked up at the post and could hardly believe my eyes -  a small, pink heart resting near the top! Obviously, the perfect spot for our walk together today.
     After our river walk, we visited Boal, then after dropping him off, I headed home. Later, I picked up my granddaughter after school and brought her back to my house. She immediately noticed the feather I had now placed on my kitchen counter and told me she had found one that looked exactly the same. Reaching into her backpack, she pulled out a twin feather. When I asked her about it, she told me she had found it while walking along Mosquito Creek during her class field trip this morning, put it into her pocket until she got back to school, then into her knapsack for safekeeping! The signs and loving energy of the day filled my well, placing me in good stead for tomorrow.
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Generosity Abounds

               

    










      The incredible support in response to donation requests for the MGMG tourney continues to impress. Most of the businesses and organizations I approach are ones my family and I frequent in our community. I am grateful for their positive responses and thoughtful contributions. Sprinkled on top of these heartwarming experiences, is the occasional spontaneous act of generosity ... the cherry on top. 
     Speaking with the local baker about the possibility of him donating buns again this year for the BBQ portion of the event, hearing he is keen to do so, and then, after rereading the info sheet, adds that he wants to do more, and offers gift certificates for our raffle. 
     Stopping in at a shop across town, one I have not been to before, to find out what a custom MGMG flag might cost. While chatting with a staff member about various options, the president of the company walks over and introduces herself to me. Turns out that she has overheard some of our conversation and offers to absorb the entire cost! The MGMG tourney feather flag will be a fabulous addition to this annual event.
     So many wonderful connections made when speaking from the heart, and so many generous people recognizing a perfect opportunity to pitch in. Thank you all so much!
Image: Bluebell 33
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Sweet Dreams

     
     Dreams are precious gifts. The messages contained therein can prompt me to take action, provide more information about a situation regarding myself or others, and offer comfort and support.  Occasionally, I am asked if I still have dreams about Michael, and although I would love to have more than the two or three per year that I do, I am grateful for the ones I do have. A few nights ago, it was a short and sweet one, but the dream before that was quite long and involved. In both cases, they were very realistic and easy to understand.
     The lengthier dream of a few months ago involved my husband and I returning to our car after an invigorating walk around Stanley Park. After both getting in, he slowly drove in the car reverse, against the one way traffic pattern of the road. We encountered many vehicles but no one honked - they all accommodated us by moving out of the way. In the next scene, it is just my three-year-old son and me near an outdoor shower at the playground. He is only wearing shorts, ones that an acquaintance had actually made, and on his sweet face is the sweaty glow from running around. I soon realize that in all his excitement he has accidentally pooped his pants, and that he is feeling both embarrassed and upset. I calmly try to figure out the best way to handle the situation but the overwhelming thought is that I am thoroughly unprepared, and how disappointed I am with myself about that. (When my children were young, I was never without extra clothes, bags, snacks, you name it - however, in the dream I had absolutely nothing with me). After some consideration, I decided to take off his pants and have him stand under the shower. What a mess. There was poop everywhere - on him, on me. I looked around and finally found a stray plastic bag for his soiled shorts and was now literally carrying a bag of shit. As I stood there, I could feel how upset he was. He felt responsible for causing this mess. As a mom, I knew that shit happened, accidents happened. I just wanted to pick up my naked son and carry him back to the car but before I could do that, the dream was over and I awoke with the clear understanding of his sympathy. Through this dream, Michael was expressing compassion for having left me holding this bag of shit, even though we both know it was unavoidable.
     The shorter dream I had on Friday night was set in a dimly lit restaurant where our family was gathered for brunch to commemorate the fourth anniversary of Michael's death. I was seated alone at one end of the table, lost in my thoughts. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Michael, aged twenty-five, walking towards me, handsome as ever in his grey suit, green shirt and tie. He sat down to my right, handed me a Caesar cocktail, and simply said, "Here Mom."  (The only time I might order this drink for myself is if one of my kids orders one, but even then, rarely). And then, he was gone. I instantly understood that this was his way of showing support and I sure was glad to feel his presence. 

     Sweet dreams .... until next time. 
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Celebrations for Generations

Family and friends, young and old, came out to celebrate my grandson's first birthday yesterday. Such a lucky little boy! Within his extended family, ages ranged from his newest second cousin, born just last month, to the great-grandfather celebrating ninety-one next month. On this day, a snapshot of my grandson's family included his parents, sister, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. This gathering reminded me that often, when we hear the word family, we think of a fixed group - usually, but not always, consisting of our living relatives. Of course, when we take a moment to consider, we know that family more accurately refers to a fluid group. We understand that family continually shifts with each gain and each loss. 

Leaping far ahead, if it is his destiny, in ninety years my grandson will be the age his great-grandfather is now, and it is quite possible that not one of my grandson's relatives in attendance yesterday will be around. Morbid thought? Not really. The love and support he received from all those attending the party will remain with him, always. And hopefully, all his future celebrations will be just as magnificent as this one was.

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Reaching for the Stars

Exactly one year ago today, my paper child was launched into the world.  At that time, I made a commitment to myself that I would do what I could to get this book out to as great an audience as possible. With the ongoing support from family, friends and community, slowly but surely, it is happening. During the first year of its life, Diary of an Intuitive acquired a distributor, was placed into retail locations, listed on Amazon, mentioned in articles, entered in prominent competitions, sent to acclaimed authors, sold at markets, purchased by public libraries, and donated to various organizations. Like the figure on The Star tarot card, I will continue to reach for the stars.  After all, I also have some great support from up there.

Angels Weaving Magic

Last Monday morning, I stopped in at a local shop with my granddaughter.  A beautiful space, filled to the brim with seasonal decor, I pop in a few times a year to say hello and see what's new.  However, this time it ended up being much more than a casual visit, and one that almost didn't happen.
I had thought I was scheduled to babysit for a few hours that day, but had my dates mixed up so wasn't really needed. When my daughter asked if I wanted to take my granddaughter out regardless, I decided to do just that. Since it was the 7th of the month, I would be going to Boal Memorial, and I knew that taking her with me would make the stop much lighter and sweeter.
So now here we were, in this quaint shop, looking for an Easter ornament for her to adorn the space dedicated to Uncle Mike and Kelly. The two of us were admiring all the tiny figurines and making our way to the back room, when the shopkeeper appeared from around the corner.  She stopped, placed her hand on my arm and whispered, "What an amazing coincidence, I can't believe you're here. Of all people."  She went on to tell me that the young woman at the till (the only other customer in the store) had recently lost a son and was here purchasing items for the child's memorial service.  When I asked if I could speak to her, we were introduced, and this young mother, her five-year-old son at her side, explained that her three-year-old with leukemia had died at Canuck Place Children's Hospice.  After a big hug, we spoke a little about her situation, touched on the glass hearts she was buying and our family's affiliation with that hospice. Then, as I turned to leave, she mentioned that she doesn't even live in this area and had no idea why she had chosen this place.  The shopkeeper and I exchanged meaningful glances - we both knew this is was no accident.
There have been countless occasions of just such "coincidences" in this shop, including the circumstances around the tiny bird figurine that was gifted to our family a few days after Michael's death. Clearly, angels work here, weaving their magic, offering love and support in the most magnificent ways.

Spontaneous Support

While running errands in the Village yesterday, I stopped in at the local wine merchant.  The staff were offering wine tastings, which is always a treat.  After enjoying samples and purchasing a bottle, I was making my way to the door when a woman suddenly left the tasting area to come over and speak with me.  She told me how much she had enjoyed reading my book and the insights shared therein.  She mentioned that her daughter and my son had been high school friends, then went on to ask how I was doing.  After chatting for a few more minutes, I thanked this stranger for taking the time to have this conversation, and how deeply I appreciated hearing that she valued the book.  It was a brief, yet meaningful, encounter.  Spontaneous moments of support such as this mean so much.  Receiving evidence that Diary of an Intuitive is making an impact, is divine.

The Sum of Its Parts

It has been eleven days since I last posted here, by far the longest spell between entries since I began this blog thirty-three months ago. During this past week, each time I sat down to write, I kept thinking that I could address one or two of the numerous instances of positive feedback the book was receiving.  I would get stuck - there were, and continue to be, so many examples to choose from.  Friends, family, acquaintances, the community at large, as well as complete strangers are responding to the book as I hoped they would - with open hearts.  When I sat down this afternoon to again ponder a possible blog entry, I reflected on the overarching themes of love, support, and gratitude.  It then became clear.  Rather than trying to focus on just a couple of specific examples, it was easier to address the sum of its parts.  Each of the individual acts are expanding our collective energies of love and gratitude.  Love and gratitude, the two words found inside the open heart on the book's front cover.

Soul Family

Another little one is making its way into our family.  One more soul who has decided that this particular family would be a good fit - devoted parents, loving aunts and uncles, two sets of doting grandparents, and a big sister paving the way.  Sweet child, whatever you have included on your to-do list for this lifetime, we will all do our utmost to support you fully, helping you achieve those dreams.  And of course, we will learn much from you, enabling us to fulfill our destinies too. 

Letting the Light Shine In

Experiencing another week on the roller-coaster of intense highs and lows.  Continuing to work with the graphic designer, readying my book for print -  necessitating combing through each page repeatedly, resulting in understandably heightened emotions.  Marking another Mother's Day - visiting with my daughters and extended family, four generations of mothers and their children gathered together. Organizing the upcoming memorial golf tournament, resulting in daily opportunities to reconnect with community and friends.  At times, I feel weighed down by the more difficult aspects of these endeavours.  Then, as I began writing this post, out in the sunshine this afternoon, I recognized that woven under, over and around all the challenges are the nourishing elements of support, love, and gratitude.  All those involved are mutually giving and receiving these life-sustaining energies.  Support. Love.  Gratitude.  All opening the door to let the light shine in.

Smiling Faces

We could not have asked for more perfect weather for the year's first visit to the cabin -  just shy of midway through spring, we enjoyed a taste of summer.  My husband and I appreciated the three glorious days of bathing suit weather and meals on the beach.  A lovely mix of outdoor work and play - attending opening day at the farmer's market, cycling along the channel, rowing around the lake, and yoga on the dock, interspersed with tending to maintenance chores and general cleanup of the property.  Within this perfection, grief continued to be my constant companion throughout each day - it does not take a vacation. The daily challenge of ensuring that sadness does not gain a strong foothold is always present but being up at the cabin continues to be more difficult than being at home - I hope this will not always be the case because it is so beautiful there.  Out for a run on the back roads this morning, through acres of wild flowers, amid a symphony of bird songs, I was having trouble shaking off the sadness which was threatening to prevail.  Then, halfway along the route, Michael and Kelly's larger than life smiling faces appeared, side by side.  Their sparkling eyes met mine, sending me encouragement and cheering me on.  I could feel the love and support emanating from them.  My sadness lifted and joy filtered in as I happily returned their smiles.     

Another Precious Penny

On Monday February 11th, my husband and I began preparing for our upcoming move.  It was no surprise that the area I found the most difficult to pack up was Michael's room.  Thankfully, only a few of his personal items remained (most of them had been dealt within weeks of his passing), but pulling his books off the shelf and removing his suit from the predominantly empty armoire was not easy.  Tackling this room on our province's first ever "Family Day" holiday did not help. That emotionally loaded label served to intensify my melancholy state. Once the packing of the room was done, my husband began disassembling the armoire, which was situated in a corner, directly against the wall.  With only a couple of inches of clearance between the ceiling and the top of that cabinet, dismantling was required in order to fit through the door.  When he was almost finished, he called me over to help.  As I picked up the base of the armoire, I could not believe my eyes. Lying on the floor was a lone penny.  There was nothing else to be found under, behind, or beside the armoire - no old socks, garbage, or even other coins.  Just one penny.  The back of the armoire was solid wood, as were the top, bottom and side panels - nothing could have accidentally fallen through from the drawers or shelves inside.  So, how did that penny get there?  I have no idea, but based on previous penny encounters, I know who was involved.  Sensing how difficult the day was for me, Michael's spirit made sure to send a sign of support.  After I relayed the incident to my younger daughter, I chuckled as she half-jokingly wondered aloud if the occurrence of future episodes such as this might be affected -  as of Monday February 4th, Canadian pennies are no longer officially in circulation.  We'll see.

Friend to Friend

Other than going out for an invigorating run through the canyon this morning, I spent most of the day working on my book, a rewarding, yet emotionally challenging project.  Again today, I thought about how grateful I am that my best friend is dedicating hours upon hours of her free time to edit this book.  Even though there is still much to do before it gets published, thanks to her, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  Then late this afternoon, I received a surprise message from a young woman I have never met.  This friend of Kelly's, now living in the Okanagan, had communicated with me only once before, via Facebook last year.  She was now contacting me to share her delight in recently finding out that one of her new co-workers happened to be a good friend of Mike's.  These two discovered their astonishing connection after the young man explained where he lived - across the street from our family's cabin.  My heart soared as I read about this crazy, wonderful association, and I can well imagine the comfort and stories they will share.  Support can come from those we have known for years, as well as from those we hardly know, and all of it is greatly appreciated.   

Exquisite Encounter

Sitting cross-legged on the outdoor sofa, composing a passage for my book.  Inching closer towards publication; the twin energies of passion and heartbreak my constant companions.  While running in the canyon earlier in the day, reiterating to Michael my desire that he stay close.  To bolster my spirit, and continue assisting me with this work.  Now, fleshing out a piece regarding the shared floral arrangement on display at both his and Kelly's services.  Taking me back to those two very difficult days.  Ten minutes into this process, noticing a hummingbird approaching the nearby feeder.  Then, watching in amazement as it continued flying straight past the feeder, making its way under the glass roof, towards the French doors.  Following a direct path, there and back, in a stop-and-start fashion.  Parallel to the couch, within arm's reach, the entire time.  Before leaving the enclosed space, turning towards me, and hovering close to my face.  Pausing there for quite some time, indulging me in a tête-à-tête.  Then, returning to the trees.  Leaving me filled with awe and gratitude.  Over the course of the afternoon, repeatedly returning to check on me.  Each time, stopping in close proximity for several moments, before flying away.  Another unique experience reassuring me of the universe's support.  This exquisite one-to-one encounter a magical response to my original request.

Heartfelt Request

Preparing for morning meditation.  Focusing on the breath.  Taking longer than usual to get settled.  Once there, asking Michael's spirit to please continue staying close.  Visualizing our energies interweaving while sitting in this stillness.  Breathing the essence of him into my heart.  Very much needing his daily help while navigating this journey. Strongly believing in the existence of a spiritual law providing the availability of long term support in circumstances such as this.  Part of the contract when engaging in the experience of a parent losing a child. The bond between these spirits remaining especially strong and deeply attached.  Continuing to put out this heartfelt request nevertheless. Knowing the onus is on us to invite this help in.  They not wanting to overstep their parameters.  Waiting for our expression of free will instead. 

I ♡ U

Immersing myself in the creative process of producing the book.  Based on that first year.  With such great support.  Currently collecting images to consider including therein.  Flipping through photos taken from Michael's camera.  All printed off a few weeks after he died.  Coming across one I had completely forgotten about.  Having first seen it long before the ongoing penny theme became evident.  This picture capturing a loving message.  Spelled out with these copper coloured coins upon a tabletop.  I ♡ U.  Feeling the love behind it.  Adding a layer of understanding.  Shedding light on this theme.  Now recognizing that it began long before the end.  

Invaluable Pennies

Delightfully witnessing Michael, Kelly and Diesel's spirits coming through again last Wednesday evening.  With encouraging and uplifting messages as always.  The mention of feathers, new endeavours, and loving support very much appreciated.  One detail not initially resonating was the medium's mention of Mike showing her pennies. Then going on to say it seemed that I had been recently finding pennies in the oddest places, and picking them up.  After the session, mentioning to her that it was not something I had been experiencing, but that there was a connection.  Sharing with her what had transpired within a short time of the accident last year.  Early that fateful Monday morning, a close family member getting out of bed.  Stepping into the hall and hearing the unexpected sound of coins falling in the den. Walking over to investigate and discovering pennies spinning on the floor.  Quite unsure of what to make of it.  Particularly since his wife, the only other person in the house, was not yet awake.  Making a connection after hearing the news.  This past Thursday morning, this same relative unexpectedly stopping by my home.  Something he had never done before.  Conversation eventually turning to the happenings of the previous evening.  Describing the session to him, along with the confusing message regarding pennies.  Seeing the look of surprise on his face.  Listening to his words tumbling out.  Sharing that for the past few weeks he had suddenly started finding pennies in unexpected locations.  Thinking of them as his lucky pennies, and therefore taking the time to pick them up.  Good luck in his life being a little scarce of late.  A few hours after saying our goodbyes, finding himself out at the driving range with one of Mike's best friends.  Practising their golf swings for the upcoming tournament.  Calling me to say that it had just happened again.  While walking over to consult the swing guide, spotting a penny lying there on the windowsill.  All of this leaving me filled with such gratitude.  For receiving the message in the first place, and then being able to pass it on.  Resulting in reassurance to someone he loved.  Reminding me that messages from spirit may not always be fully understood in the moment.  Trusting that they reveal themselves in time.  All unfolding as it should. 

Footnote:  That same Thursday afternoon, the 2012 Federal Budget announcing the elimination of our penny beginning later this year. Front page headline in Friday's local paper reading "Pinching Pennies."  

Self-Help Strategies

Recognizing the need for additional self-help strategies earlier this week, while navigating a predominantly grief filled day.  Prompting me to make an appointment for an early evening massage.  Contacting one of Mike and Kelly's friends to plan an upcoming coffee date.  Bundling up against the cold and stepping out to absorb some late afternoon sun on the patio.  While there, breathing deeply with eyes closed, asking for a sign of reassurance from my son.  Within moments, hearing the distinct sound of a hummingbird flying by.  The first one I have noticed this season.  Then moving inside to settle in on the sofa.  Rereading an old copy of The Little Prince.  Allowing this exquisite story to wash over me.  At the end of the day, none of these activities "fixing" the situation. Just doing what they were intended to which was to support my spirit. And that, they did beautifully.

Inspired Writing

Writing these daily entries for exactly one year now.  Accepting the challenge my Oma's spirit lovingly presented.  Never imagining how meaningful this endeavour would become.  Certainly not creating this all on my own.  Continuing to receive inspiration from the unseen. Enabling me to receive support and encouragement from caring individuals in over seventy countries.  Grateful to each and every one. 

We Did It

Outside of the funerals, personally finding these last two days the most difficult this year.  Feeling fragile all weekend.  Walking that thin line between holding it together and falling apart.  Phone calls, emails, and time spent with loving family bringing much appreciated support. Combined with deep breathing, some laughter, meditation, and numerous heartfelt hugs.  Taking time to send love to others experiencing a difficult time as well.  Collectively contributing to a Christmas that was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Myself, my husband, our daughters, and son-in-laws proudly embracing the expression, "We did it."