The Dog Star and its Pup

As I reflect upon Michael's life and replay memories of him on this 13th anniversary of his death, I'm feeling especially close to his soul due to some intriguing information I learned just this week. 

Six years ago, I had discovered his soul name when he appeared during my profound Life between Lives experience. During hypnosis, the name Sirius was communicated to me by his soul being. I knew that to be the name of a star, but when I saw it spelled out in white letters in my mind's eye, it read Cirius. I immediately started laughing because I recognized his great sense of humour coming through. Of course it would be spelled with a C instead of an S. He was playing with me, and with the homonym 'serious', which was pretty well the opposite of who he was, most of the time. Funny guy!

A few days ago, after a short meditation, I became curious about the star. As it turns out, Sirius is a binary star located in the constellation Canis Major.  Sirius A, also known as the Dog Star, is the brightest in the night sky! Sirius B, affectionately called the Pup Star, is its white dwarf companion. What a scene that conjures up in my mind. Michael and Diesel, best buds here on earth, now possibly the Dog and its Pup hanging out in the universe together, their star energy shining brightly! 

Signs of Support

     Tomorrow marks the 8th anniversary of Michael's death. Rather than taking flowers to Boal Memorial on the actual date, as I have in the past, this year I decided ahead of time that I would go this morning - a mental health choice that I felt would make tomorrow a little easier and more uplifting.
     A few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to participate in a community fundraiser - an afternoon Scrabble Tournament taking place on March 7th to raise money for grandmothers in Africa. My husband and I play Scrabble most evenings so I knew it could be an enjoyable event and said "yes", grateful for the distraction, the opportunity to support a good cause, and knowing I would have the support of this friend on a trigger day, another mother who lives with the loss of a child. Later this month will mark seven years since her adult daughter's accidental death.
     This morning, my plan was to walk my younger daughter's chocolate lab Barrett (related to Diesel and born four days before the fatal accident involving Mike, Kelly and Diesel), along the river for about an hour, then take him with me to Boal, which would be his first time there.  After getting into my car (which was parked in the carport), I reached over to close my door when I noticed one small feather lying on the ground nearby. Smiling to myself, I reached down and picked it up, then placed it on the seat beside me - thankful for this little sign.
     After fetching Barrett, I drove to Bridgeman Park, located beside Lynn Creek. Due to the ongoing construction in the area, I had not been there since last spring but today, it felt like the right place to go. I parked the car, leashed up the dog and let him out. He instantly beelined it to a fence post about 30 metres away, to take a pee. As I stood there waiting for him, I looked up at the post and could hardly believe my eyes -  a small, pink heart resting near the top! Obviously, the perfect spot for our walk together today.
     After our river walk, we visited Boal, then after dropping him off, I headed home. Later, I picked up my granddaughter after school and brought her back to my house. She immediately noticed the feather I had now placed on my kitchen counter and told me she had found one that looked exactly the same. Reaching into her backpack, she pulled out a twin feather. When I asked her about it, she told me she had found it while walking along Mosquito Creek during her class field trip this morning, put it into her pocket until she got back to school, then into her knapsack for safekeeping! The signs and loving energy of the day filled my well, placing me in good stead for tomorrow.
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In and Out of the Woods

While jogging in the woods, the phrase out of the woods came to mind.  I smiled when I recognized the significance of this thought with regards to where I was.  Not only in the woods, but specifically on the same trail where I had seen that pink heart-shaped balloon containing Michael and Diesel a couple of days after they died.  Now, I played with these two words - in and out.  In the woods is where I experience deep connection to all that is, here and beyond.  I regain clarity about life. While I was certain about being in the woods, I was less certain about being out of them.  I further considered this idiom's meaning; no longer in danger or difficulty, the most difficult part of the journey has passed. Was I in danger?  No, I never was.  Am I having difficulty?  At times, of course.  Has the most difficult part of this journey passed?  That I cannot answer since my journey is not over.  And if it never gets any easier, so be it.  Being in the woods will remain my salve. 

Invaluable Pennies

Delightfully witnessing Michael, Kelly and Diesel's spirits coming through again last Wednesday evening.  With encouraging and uplifting messages as always.  The mention of feathers, new endeavours, and loving support very much appreciated.  One detail not initially resonating was the medium's mention of Mike showing her pennies. Then going on to say it seemed that I had been recently finding pennies in the oddest places, and picking them up.  After the session, mentioning to her that it was not something I had been experiencing, but that there was a connection.  Sharing with her what had transpired within a short time of the accident last year.  Early that fateful Monday morning, a close family member getting out of bed.  Stepping into the hall and hearing the unexpected sound of coins falling in the den. Walking over to investigate and discovering pennies spinning on the floor.  Quite unsure of what to make of it.  Particularly since his wife, the only other person in the house, was not yet awake.  Making a connection after hearing the news.  This past Thursday morning, this same relative unexpectedly stopping by my home.  Something he had never done before.  Conversation eventually turning to the happenings of the previous evening.  Describing the session to him, along with the confusing message regarding pennies.  Seeing the look of surprise on his face.  Listening to his words tumbling out.  Sharing that for the past few weeks he had suddenly started finding pennies in unexpected locations.  Thinking of them as his lucky pennies, and therefore taking the time to pick them up.  Good luck in his life being a little scarce of late.  A few hours after saying our goodbyes, finding himself out at the driving range with one of Mike's best friends.  Practising their golf swings for the upcoming tournament.  Calling me to say that it had just happened again.  While walking over to consult the swing guide, spotting a penny lying there on the windowsill.  All of this leaving me filled with such gratitude.  For receiving the message in the first place, and then being able to pass it on.  Resulting in reassurance to someone he loved.  Reminding me that messages from spirit may not always be fully understood in the moment.  Trusting that they reveal themselves in time.  All unfolding as it should. 

Footnote:  That same Thursday afternoon, the 2012 Federal Budget announcing the elimination of our penny beginning later this year. Front page headline in Friday's local paper reading "Pinching Pennies."  

Under the Same Sun

A year ago today, I last heard your voice.  Calling home from the cabin. Describing the long leisurely walk you had just completed.  Along with Kelly and Diesel.  Under sunny skies, around the frozen snow-covered lake.  Hearing the pure happiness in your voice.  Prompting my heart to smile. Knowing the three of you were enjoying an amazing weekend together.  Holding onto this beautiful image.  Under the same sun, my son, that is thankfully shining down on me today.

Modifying Traditions

Filling Christmas stockings.  Truly the highlight of gift giving for me. Beginning in the fall.  Sourcing the ideal items for each family member. A collection of humorous, luxurious, and practical ones.  Wrapping up each little treasure.  All leisurely taking turns Christmas morning. Opening them one by one.  The girls spending the past couple of Christmas mornings with their husbands.  As they should. Establishing their own traditions.  So it had come down to the three of us.  Michael, my husband and I.  Diesel enthusiastically joining in.  Thoroughly enjoying ourselves.  This season, deciding against hanging the stockings for just us two.  Not keen on dealing with the emptiness that would so obviously be sitting there with us.  Simply because of how it came to be. Choosing to give it a pass this time around.  Open to reinstating that tradition in the future.  Understanding that eventually this is how it would have been.  However, this year planning to go snowshoeing instead.

Gathering at the Tree

This coming Sunday.  Our daughters, son-in-laws, my husband and I meeting up.  Decorating a mini Christmas tree together.  Starting this annual tradition at Oma's graveside ten Christmases ago.  Symbolically sharing the holidays with someone we loved.  Lighting candles clipped to the branches.  Singing German carols.  Recounting memories. Moving the occasion to Boal Memorial this year.  Using the same tree Michael helped decorate last December.  Adding some new ornaments for our brother and son.  Kelly and Diesel too.  Knowing my mother will happily meet us there.  All gathering together. 

All Three Coming Through

Another magnificent evening.  Attending a mediumship demonstration at ISA.  All three coming through together.  Silently asking for this scenario before the session began.  Michael doing all the talking.  Kelly standing quietly by his side.  Diesel there with them too.  Appearing in order to share messages.  The medium transmitting the information. Suggesting getting out more.  Checking out the support group again. Spending less time home alone.  Wanting to see me happy.  Michael radiating powerful energy affirming the loving connection we share. Smiling that million dollar smile.  Reminding me of the deep bond we have.  Pointing out he knows it is something I still very much feel. Mentioning that missing them is understandable.  Particularly considering how recently it all occurred.  All of this information creating a slight shift.  Carrying me forward again.  Smiling.  Feeling positive and uplifted.  Much lighter in my heart.

Costumes and Fireworks

Hallowe'en.  One of his favourite celebrations.  Even into adulthood. Various costumes over the years.  Clown, pirate, and Mexican in the early years.  Progressing to ghoul, vampire, and devil.  Followed by hockey player, gangster, and assorted others.  Later in his teens, filling his knapsack with fireworks and firecrackers.  Heading up to the park with a friend despite parental warnings.  Not surprisingly, getting everything confiscated by police a short time later.  Then as an adult, creating unique costumes for parties.  Telling me that actually wearing them was usually quite uncomfortable.  Despite the ideas appearing to be such good ones at the time.  Pure Mike.  Diesel always keen to participate as well. Greeting trick-or-treaters while wearing a Hawaiian shirt or sports jersey.  Those two.  They loved having fun.  Hopefully enjoying their existence immensely wherever they are.  Perhaps even making themselves known during the festivities tonight.    

Heart Tattoo

Looking forward to this day with keen anticipation.  An appointment with the tattoo artist to honour Michael and Kelly.  A pink heart.  An obvious choice.  Positioned so that it is embraced by the wings of my phoenix.  Their initials inscribed in script within.  So many references to hearts and love when thinking of them.  That palpable uplifting energy present the last time we spoke.  The heart-shaped balloon shown to me days after the accident.  With Michael and Diesel inside.  Again showing up on the day of my son's service.   The three of them together in this same balloon.  The ice drawing on the lake, I ♡ KP.  Their love for family, friends and each other.  The love so many felt for them.  All this lives on.  This heart tattoo a creative expression encompassing of all that.

Six Months Today

Grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult.  Two simultaneously, doubly hard.  Six months today.  Both of them in or around my thoughts most of the day.  Some of the night.  Grief still residing deeply in so much of my being.  Eased at times by the knowing they are together.  That was Michael and Kelly's destiny.  Finding a measure of comfort in this.  Also buoyed by their smiling faces when asking them for help with all of this.  Diesel on occasion showing up with his grin.   Envisioning them watching over all those who loved them, with pride.  Observing us carrying on to best of our ability.  One hundred percent behind us.  And always in our hearts.

One Trip at a Time

This, our seventh visit to the cabin since that pivotal day.  Palpable unease present while preparing for the trip.  Finding it challenging to be here.  Our new reality much more difficult.  More so than at home.  Possibly due to less distraction.  Perhaps the result of just being here.  The place they spent their last weekend together on earth.  Intensely missing them.  Acutely feeling Diesel’s absence this time.  Making an effort to focus on patience.  Knowing that it will never be the same but hoping it will eventually get easier.  One trip at a time.

Gift of Time

The calendar pages continue to turn.  Five months yesterday.  Initially missing him with my every breath.  The tears flowing freely.  Today, twenty minutes may pass without thoughts of Michael, Kelly or Diesel.   Teary less often.   A few times a day.  Adapting.  This is the gift of time.

Brown Clowns

Chocolate Labrador Retrievers.  Among other things, they are intelligent, silly, active, fun and easy to just hang out with. They are game for whatever is going on. Diesel was the dog version of our son, with his infectious smile, caring eyes, love of water, and cabin life.  Both living in the moment.  Those two had such a deep bond and understanding of each other, with Michael teaching Diesel new tricks right to the end. Hogan, our friend's dog, Diesel's half brother and hiking buddy, had flowers sent to our home yesterday along with a card to let us know how much he misses him.  Our daughter's dog Gulliver, Diesel's nephew, has been spending more time here with us as we all share stories and comfort each other.  The three of them, AKA the "Brown Clowns", enjoyed such great times together at the cabin.  We will miss Diesel so much but it was destined that he would leave with his best friend Michael so that they could continue sharing their good times together!