Four Short Words

My son is dead.  Four short words.  By far the most difficult ones ever expressed in all these fifty-four years.  This phrase often jumping uninvited into my thoughts.  Regardless of what may be going on at the time. Heart tightening immediately.  Breathing more laboured.  Tears forming.  Understanding the truth of these words failing to prevent this visceral reaction.  An aspect of my being still frequently shocked by them.  Patience and compassion my allies in this.

Adeptness of Human Nature

Strong and fragile.  Alternating between both states many times a day.  Emotionally and physically.  Able to keep perspective much of the time.  Drawing on compassion and patience for self and others while adjusting to this situation.  Focusing on gratitude.  Staying active for overall mental and physical well being.  All this interspersed with bouts of low energy.  Periods of penetrating sadness.  Feeling lost.  How could it be otherwise?  Heartened by this ability to flow back and forth between these contrasting states.  Continuing to marvel at the adeptness of human nature.  

One Trip at a Time

This, our seventh visit to the cabin since that pivotal day.  Palpable unease present while preparing for the trip.  Finding it challenging to be here.  Our new reality much more difficult.  More so than at home.  Possibly due to less distraction.  Perhaps the result of just being here.  The place they spent their last weekend together on earth.  Intensely missing them.  Acutely feeling Diesel’s absence this time.  Making an effort to focus on patience.  Knowing that it will never be the same but hoping it will eventually get easier.  One trip at a time.

With Loving Support

There are moments when I forget that this is not forever.  Those times weigh heavy.  The reality is that I have a finite number of days here in this particular incarnation.  One day I too will return to existing in wholly spirit form.  Remembering this lightens my load.  Throughout the day I see my son smiling down with immense patience and compassion.  Pure love emanating from his being.  From his vantage point he understands how difficult this all is.  He also knows it must be so.  I know this too.  As his mother I had to stand by and watch him fall while he learned to walk.  I could not protect him from that pain.  He now takes his turn to lovingly support me while I stumble along.  And I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

Learning to Meditate

Years ago, I had promised Lord Maitreya, a Spiritual Teacher, that I would make an effort to meditate every day in order to become more aware of the messages I needed to hear.  It was a pact really -  if You let me live, I will undertake this incredibly difficult task of meditating.  At that time, I had very little patience for sitting still and just being.  I found it to be a frustrating endeavour, with five minutes  feeling like an eternity.  My body would fidget with restless energy, and my mind was filled with thoughts of things I should or would be doing. I started training myself to stay seated by visualizing a seat belt fastened around my hips. I also visualized a tiny broom gently sweeping away any thoughts that engaged me. I look back on this image with fondness, but that was how I began.  Like anything else that is worthwhile, it took much practice to improve, but I am so glad that I persevered because without meditation, my life would be much less rich and meaningful.