Riding it Out

Not surprisingly, I find this to be a difficult time of the year. The anxiety begins to build before Christmas, carries on through the New Year's festivities, then follows me into this week, as well. Today is the 7th of the month, the day I routinely visit Boal Memorial with fresh flowers. In addition, in honour of Michael's birthday tomorrow, I had also brought along a balloon. The January visit also always involves packing up the little Christmas tree we decorate there in December.

Creating a gratitude list (it's a long one), practicing yoga, engaging in exercise, having family time, and reminding myself that living with challenges is part and parcel of being alive - none of these strategies completely relieve the sensation of constantly feeling slightly sick to my stomach during this time. However, after tomorrow, there will be a reprieve of sorts, and for that I am thankful. Until then, I will continue to ride it out. Tomorrow evening, our family will celebrate Michael's birthday with stories and laughs at The Old Spaghetti Factory, as we do each year. This time, when I called to make the reservation, I mentioned that it would be a birthday dinner. No doubt Michael had a good laugh at that, picturing us explaining to the staff that the birthday boy is indeed with us, but happens to be invisible. Oh Mikey, what a ride.
Image: LBD Group

A Hummingbird's Gifts

December 6th.  This date eliciting happy childhood memories of annual Nikolaus celebrations, together with other German speaking families. Today, unpacking Christmas boxes, while holding my granddaughter in my arms.  Sorting through countless ornaments and decorations.  Coming across my son's stocking.  Wondering what I might do with it. Something or nothing?  Trying to keep the anxiety at bay.  Focusing on the beauty in my life.  Then, glancing out the kitchen window.  Noticing a precious hummingbird landing on the nearby feeder.  These exquisite birds symbolizing so much.  Incorporated into legends and myths throughout the Americas.  When in flight, wingtips tracing out the infinity sign.  Messengers between worlds, representing immortality. Bringing uplifting energies of hope, joy, healing, and love.  This tiny creature filling my heart, and nourishing my spirit.   Sharing treasured gifts by its mere presence.

We ♥ U

Driving up to the cabin again.  Only our second time this year.  That familiar underlying apprehension gaining momentum while nearing Princeton.  Then rounding that bend.  Approaching the cross.  Spotting huge bursts of colour around the base.  Curiosity quickly replacing the anxiety.  Drawing closer to see a multitude of brilliant silk flowers. What a magnificent surprise.  Stopping the car to take it all in.  Various shades of yellow, blue, pink, orange, red, and purple.  Artfully arranged blossoms around a purple and yellow hand painted sign.  We ♥ U Kelly + Mike.  Their friend creating a lasting expression of her feelings.  Not Rest in Peace or You are Missed.  Choosing to focus on love instead.  Uplifting energy to counter some of the sadness.  The ripple effect of this heartfelt gesture impacting others.  The two of us turning to smile at each other.  And carrying on with lighter hearts.

Time to Bloom

Later today, co-facilitating an evening session of well-being for a small group.  Two of us combining our interests, wanting to share our passions.  Leading participants through relaxing yoga poses and intuitive development activities.  A perfect combination.  The concept leaping into my awareness while swimming lengths a few weeks ago. Set in motion days later, and now finally here.  Not without some accompanying doubt and anxiety along the way.  This morning, shown a powerful image during mediation.  Seeing a simple flower with its long graceful stem lying horizontally along the ground.  Then slowly rising to a fully vertical position.  Clearly symbolizing growth and time to bloom.   All the preparation enabling it to now stand strong and sure. This magnificent experience giving me exactly the reassurance that was needed.

One Full, One Still Empty

With the installation of his ashes and plaque complete, it was time to visit.  Last week, my husband and I together.  Unsure of what to expect.  Another 'first' in a line of many.  Pleasantly surprised.  Emotional of course, but not undone.  Standing there with the knowledge that these were only the fragments of his earthly remains.  That his spirit would always be connected to mine.  Feeling the love behind the eight words we had chosen to capture what we hoped he would be remembered for.  Your smile, laughter and caring heart touched many.  Then yesterday, ventured over again, alone.  Gazed at the round space in the wall, directly beside his.  The one meant for Kelly.  Still empty, unmarked.  Disappointment and anxiety creeping in, wondering if the plan will still go ahead.  That their remains be laid to rest side by side.  Understanding that in the big picture, it will not be end of the world if it does not come to pass.  To help comfort my heart however, very much hoping it will.

( Update: I received confirmation later this afternoon that arrangements had already been made.  So very, very grateful for that.)

Future Surfing

I first heard the phrase "Future Surfing" at an Al-Anon meeting about a year ago, and since then I have often used it to guide my thinking back to the present moment.  When I am faced with a difficult life situation, I sometimes allow my thoughts to tumble forward and imagine painful future scenarios, resulting in anxiety and dread.  What if he leaves me? What if she doesn't like what I have to tell her?  What if he starts drinking again? The reality of course is that I cannot control any of these outcomes.  Instead of "Future Surfing" I can focus on the present, look within and choose behaviour that is based on being true to myself today.  As we hear so often, all we ever have is today.