Peeling Back the Layers

Last week's yoga class left me feeling quite undone.  Rather than returning home in the usual state of gratitude and contentment, I encountered a crushingly difficult, grief-filled evening instead.  That overwhelming sense of loss dominated much of the following day as well.  This was a first - yoga had never had that affect on me.  Upon reflection, I realized that my grief had been triggered by the teacher's suggestion that we each set an intention for class.  After some deliberation, I had silently asked for a hug from Michael.  Of course, my rational mind knew that was physically impossible.  However, another part of me entertained the notion that the hug may come in the form of spirit connection.  Alas, in Savasana pose at the end of the class, I recognized that neither had occurred, and the tears flowed.  I was again reminded that a physical hug from my son would never occur. Obviously this was not new information, so what was going on?  Why such an intense response?  Perhaps it was the perfect time for me to access yet another layer of grief.  My mind, body, and soul were in that deeply connected state of existence, allowing for further penetration of reality. Peeling back the layers.  Like in the onion analogy often referred to with regards to personal growth.  I wonder how many layers this onion has. 

All Will be Revealed

I am grateful for the gift of consecutive sunny days, warmer temperatures, and the new growth bursting forth around me.  It is magical to be experiencing spring within a garden entirely new to me, one that has been lovingly tended to over the years.  As the fresh green shoots from various bulbs emerge here and there, I consider what kinds of flowers might appear.  When I walk by the tightly closed rhododendron buds, I speculate on the colour that will eventually be revealed.  As I lean in to take a closer look at the dark pink blossoms showing up on some of the bushes, I wonder what they are called.  And then, within minutes of sitting down to write this post, a hummingbird arrived to nourish itself at the feeder we brought with us - the first one I have seen here since we moved in, adding an exclamation mark to all of this magnificence.  Exquisite timing.

Having Resolve

Having resolve means deciding firmly on a course of action, making the best of a challenging situation.  It requires digging deep to draw on one's inner strength, which leads to becoming even stronger.
Having resolve is what my newly separated, fifty-something friend is choosing as she creates a new life for herself after being informed by her husband of almost thirty years that he no longer wants to be married.   
Having resolve is what my recently married, twenty-eight-year-old acquaintance is demonstrating as she courageously undergoes surgery, chemo, and radiation for her recent breast cancer diagnosis.
Having resolve is what I choose every morning, then repeatedly employ over the course of the day in order to not go under from the grief.  The reward is personal growth, and opportunity for personal growth is what our life challenges are all about.

Spirited Balloon

On this gorgeous sunny morning, picturing a fully inflated, brightly coloured, helium balloon.  Imagining myself tying a message to its string before releasing it into the sky.  Limiting it to just one sentence. Taking a few moments to consider what that might be.  The perfect words showing up soon after.  "I am grateful for the set of attributes that I have come into this life with, and for all the experiences I have had to date, which together enable me to continue gaining wisdom and achieving growth in this lifetime."  Feeling confident in this spirited balloon's ability to carry my weighted words despite its seemingly delicate appearance. 

Time to Bloom

Later today, co-facilitating an evening session of well-being for a small group.  Two of us combining our interests, wanting to share our passions.  Leading participants through relaxing yoga poses and intuitive development activities.  A perfect combination.  The concept leaping into my awareness while swimming lengths a few weeks ago. Set in motion days later, and now finally here.  Not without some accompanying doubt and anxiety along the way.  This morning, shown a powerful image during mediation.  Seeing a simple flower with its long graceful stem lying horizontally along the ground.  Then slowly rising to a fully vertical position.  Clearly symbolizing growth and time to bloom.   All the preparation enabling it to now stand strong and sure. This magnificent experience giving me exactly the reassurance that was needed.

Asking For Help

Our assignment was to have Michael's eulogy ready by Sunday afternoon when we would meet with the officiant for the upcoming memorial service.  We had spent all day Thursday, as well as Friday morning, creating the obituary and felt absolutely drained.  How could we possibly tackle the even larger task before us?  On Saturday morning I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window when it hit me.  I could ask for help. I immediately knew who that perfect person would be. I called my best friend/"sister" to see if she would be able to take on this incredibly difficult job. She's an amazing writer, has known Michael his whole life, and due to a previous commitment that is taking her out of the country, she will be unable to attend the service in person.  Through her tears, she agreed and told me she would be honoured to do that for us. Yesterday she arrived here with her gift of a beautiful tribute to Michael.  I have come a long way over the years in terms of even being able to accept help from others, to now arriving in a place of being able to take it even one step further and ask for it. This is part of my growth in all of this crazy.