It Never Gets Old

On a day like today, I feel as though I am trudging through deep mud in lead boots.  Trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps with minimal success.  Despite the fantastic weather, plentiful granddaughter time, and phone call from a close friend.  Despite creating a mental gratitude list, planning an upcoming family dinner, and going for a brisk walk along the ocean with my husband. Filled with penetrating sadness, I feel fragile, missing my son acutely. On the verge of tears much of the day.  Full moon energy or just because?  Thankfully, days like today are not the norm, and tomorrow awaits.  "One day at a time" -  it never gets old. 

Taking a Chance in 2013

2013 - a year containing the numerals zero, one, two and three, in scrambled order.  While walking along the ocean on this sunny afternoon, an image appeared - that of taking those four digits, tossing them up into the air, then watching them fall where they may.  With each subsequent throw, the resulting pattern of the numerals would change.  This is one of those rare years in which there is a possibility of all digits landing in a perfect sequence, 0123 or 3210.  A great year for taking a chance and shaking things up a little, creating opportunities for amazing outcomes.  Let the fun begin!

Shifting Moments

How quickly it still shifts from moment to moment.  Awaking Friday morning to a magnificent sunrise.  Contrasting greatly with the storm of the previous day.  Strolling in the sunshine along the rocky seashore. Chatting and laughing with a friend and her dog.  Grateful for the change of scenery and distractions.  Upon returning to the cottage, checking my computer.  Noticing a posting made minutes earlier.  A photo of Michael.  Standing beside the ocean, arms stretched out wide. Taken days before he died.  One I have seen before.  Now catching me completely off guard.   This scene a perfect match to the one I had just been experiencing.  A second uploaded image showing a necklace his aunt had created  for herself in his memory.   Incorporating a heart and a star.  This, my first glimpse of it.  Both pictures instantly transporting me from a sense of peace and lightness to one of heart piercing sadness. Tears falling.  Breathing through it.  Then moving on with the day. Enjoying an afternoon with more laughter and conversation.  A short drive and ferry ride later, arriving home with a sense of contentment. Noticing the stack of unopened mail.  Tearing open a large envelope addressed to me.  Reading the enclosed letter from one of Michael's and Kelly's high school teachers.  One who is also living in this community. Sharing her condolences, as well as some memories.  Resulting in further emotions to process.  More tears.  In both cases, greatly appreciating that others continue to think about him.  Making the effort to share that.   As difficult as it is being in the feelings these pictures and words evoke, I am thankful for the communication.  Helping me feel connected and supported.  This ongoing roller-coaster ride.

Soothing Seashore

Exploring the vibrant seashore.  Breathing in that invigorating ocean air.  Smiling at the puffins as they fly overhead.   Enchanted by the colourful sea stars and recalling that connection to a previous meditation.  Absorbing the soothing energy of the rolling waves.  Hand in hand, we amble barefoot along the beach, laughing as we create the sounds of barking sands.  Later, resting in adirondack chairs side by side, watching the world go by.  Every cell in my body feeling deeply relaxed.  So fortunate to be able to pass the time this way.  Being in the moment, together.