Salmon Inspiration

While swimming lengths at the pool recently, I was surprised to feel fatigue setting in around the 3/4 mile mark.  I contemplated slowing down or even cutting my swim short, but then I considered the salmon in my local river.  When they were young, they made their way down to the ocean.  Now, those fortunate enough to have survived to maturity have returned to their birth river.  Swimming upstream against the current, periodically challenged to leap over rock barriers, these salmon exert themselves fully for days on end.  Their goal is to return to their spawning grounds regardless of the hurdles that await them en route.  As I thought about the determination each one of them exhibits during that long and arduous journey, it was an easy decision to finish out my little swim without compromise.

Fish Out of Water

At times, verbalizing the loss leaves me struggling to breathe.  Straining to fill my lungs with oxygen.  Imagining a fish would feel this way, if plucked from the sea, then tossed ashore.  Undergoing this sense of insufficient intake of life sustaining fuel.  Experiencing it particularly when speaking to a very close friend or loved one about the impact of his death.  When acknowledging aloud that the space he held in our family has lost its density.  My reaction indicating there is still much left to release from within.  Even after spending hundreds upon hundreds of hours writing about it.  Thinking about it.  Talking about it. Connecting with spirit about it.  The journey continues.  There is no shortcut.    

Looking Forward

Standing on the threshold of a new adventure.  Ready to embrace the next chapter of my life.  Devoting attention and energy to publishing a book.  Based on the entries of this online diary.  The seed for this idea planting itself late last summer.  Growing stronger over the ensuing weeks and months.  After today, posting here less frequently.  In order to do justice to this project.  Looking forward to stepping into this journey of the unknown.  Wholly identifying with the first card in the Tarot.  The Fool positioned on the brink of a precipice.  With pure potential, beginning another cycle on The Fool's Journey. 

Unique Journey

In discussion with other parents experiencing the loss of a child.  One mother mentioning something most can identify with.  Likely our biggest common denominator.  "The most important rule in life got broken."  Outliving ones child.  All of us branching out from there.  So many aspects influencing this journey of grieving.  Just as with any huge life altering experience.  The age of the child.  How she died.  The quality of life he was having.  The nature of the parent child relationship.  Family dynamics.  Personality traits.  Spiritual beliefs or the lack thereof.  Personal challenges the parent was facing in addition to this death.  Degree of available resources and support.  A unique journey for each one of us.  No two paths exactly alike.

Beauty in Dying

Fall equinox.  A new season begins.  Fresh crisp apples.  Juice droplets spraying out with every bite.  The comfort of a favourite sweater. Providing warmth against the cooler air.  Leaves soon to be piled high. Perfect for jumping into.  Moments of pure pleasure.  The most poignant aspect of fall, however, lying in its colours.  Those brilliant hues of oranges, yellows and reds.  Leaves embarking on the last leg of their journey.  Glorious to behold.  Impressed by the magnificence of this transformation.  Reviving a long held awareness that beauty can be found in dying.