Conflicted

Collecting ideas about how to best mark the one year anniversary next week.  The obvious visit to Boal Memorial.  Then gathering here at home with his sisters and brothers-in-law for mutual emotional support.  Relighting the gold candles used at his service.  Watching family videos.  Perhaps working on that unfinished puzzle Michael and Kelly had started, still lingering under the chair.  For dinner, ordering Chinese or preparing chicken fajitas.  The latter option reflecting the meal they created for us the day before leaving for their last cabin weekend.  Later, possibly playing a game together.   All simple but meaningful activities.  Connecting us to memories and the energy of our son and brother.  However, behind all this planning, certainly feeling conflicted.  On the one hand, focusing on honouring how much he meant to us and how deeply he is missed.  On the other, desperately wishing he were physically here instead. 

Intriguing Obituaries

Browsing through the obituaries in the paper this morning.  Something I have done for years.  True to that Scorpio trait of being intrigued by death.  Noting the words chosen when condensing a life into a few sentences.  Reading between the lines.  Observing which aspects of a person's lifetime are included and considering those which might purposefully be omitted.  Paying attention to their ages.  A few living mere hours, some over one hundred years.  Most falling somewhere in-between.  Wondering about those indicating no service by request. Recognizing that the majority of obituaries are written by loved ones, a number by care facilities, and on occasion, by the individual themselves.  An exercise my son had undertaken less than a year before he died.  Unbeknownst to his family.  To facilitate gaining clarity for himself.  Sealing it in an envelope.  One of his sisters discovering it within days of his passing.  His father reading it aloud at his funeral. Imparting a clear sense of what was in Michael's heart and what he aspired to be remembered for.  Ending with, "You will be greatly missed!"  Indeed, he certainly is.

Providing Comfort

In conversation with one of Kelly's dear friends.  Discussing the reluctance of co-workers to mention Kelly's name.   Not speaking of their colleague who has passed.  Perhaps afraid of upsetting this friend. Fearing they may cause additional heartache.  If only they could be reassured that the tears and sadness come regardless.  That is our reality when we have lost someone we loved. The irony is that they would actually provide comfort by sharing a memory or remarking how much they miss her smile and cheerful disposition.  Hearing others speak of our loved one actually helps ease the pain.  Knowing they mattered to others.  That they are missed.  That they will not be forgotten.