Feathery Appearance

Late afternoon.  Feeling an unexpected urge to begin jotting down the rough draft for this post.  Going with it even though I would be heading out shortly.  Positioning myself in the centre of the sofa, out on the back deck.  That entire area covered by a glass roof.  With a wall to my back and another to the right, this space open to the elements on only two sides.  Mere minutes into the process, noticing something drifting down beside me, then landing on this couch.  Directly to my right. Gazing down at a small, delicate, light grey feather.  No recollection of ever seeing one like this here before.  Immediately looking skyward to determine its origin.  Trying to make sense of a seemingly impossible occurrence.  Seconds later, putting two and two together.  At least an aspect of it.  Recalling my discovery of tiny white feathers on the morning of Michael and Kelly's accident.  Those, the same size as this one, just fuller.  Two of them lying there on the mat, just steps from this sofa.  This time around, recognizing it to be a sign from another young man.  One I did not know.  Dear to a close friend of mine.  She emailing me earlier in the day after having been informed of his accidental death due to being hit by a car.  Occurring two days prior to this correspondence.  Leaving her feeling overwhelming sadness and shock, at the ostensibly senseless nature of this event.  Now, while staring at this feather, suddenly remembering this same friend of mine sitting here with me earlier in the week.  On this very couch, on the very day that young man died.  Me on the left, she on the right.  Exactly where this tiny grey feather now lay.  Definitely not an accident. 

Postcard From Hawaii

Very much appreciating these rejuvenating days in the sun.  Yet, there is no escaping the loss.  No place on earth exists where that would that be possible.  Not even here in paradise.  Marking eleven months today. Thinking about you innumerable times, each and every hour.  While swimming with the honus and asking to share their strength.  In conversation with the affable young man considering a job opportunity in Alberta.  When spotting the handcrafted transparent shell ornament consisting of two doves with a heart suspended between them.  And so many of the moments in-between.  Postcard from Hawaii.  Michael, wish you were here.

My Son's Birthday

January 8, 1986.  The day my baby boy was born.  So many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head and heart today.  Carrying that little life full of potential.  Expecting him to be a her.  Thrilled to be wrong.  Easiest baby ever.  Such a loving and playful child.  Growing into a confused, risk taking teen.  So many ups and downs.  Becoming a young man attempting to find his way.  Spending his last birthday in the hospital.  Having again walked to the middle of the bridge the evening before.  Contemplating suicide once more.  Then picking up the pieces and finding resolve.  Optimism and hope.  Twenty-five.  For years the magic number friends and acquaintances were repeating. Assuring me that often boys did not begin to mature until then.  For Michael, celebrating twenty-five birthdays would be all that he needed. There would be no more.  Cannot begin to describe what it feels like to be observing this day without him.